Trying to write 2 characters in one body (339 words)

[Flaviosky]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share the beginning of what would be the eight chapter of my story, which sets just after the 'crisis', a disastrous battle that ended with one of the MC (Raffale) getting possessed by one of the villains (Arck) using a last resort spell, also teleporting them to an unknown location. There are hints of an unknown past between these characters that is revealed later on. Also, the villain was chasing Raffale to take his sword from him, believing it is some sort of legendary weapon. Lore note: Arcane magic is evil.

I wonder if the way I'm tackling this is appopiate, if it gets clear that there's a mental struggle between the characters and if tension is correctly transmitted in the scene.

Thanks a lot for your support!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------​

The tall and pale grass dances with the wind, despite the frost still on it. The gust whispers on the landscape. Raffale trembles, feeling the cold grass tickling his fingers as it moves and the droplets of water as the ice melts against his skin.

Brrr...So...So cold…

Raffale starts waking up, looking everywhere around as he kneels, feeling very dizzy.

What happened?

He stares at his hands and his body, feeling slightly numb.

What is this place? How did I get here?

He finds his sword and stares at it, still dazzled, and holds it while standing up.

This sword belongs to me, perhaps?

His head suddenly flashes, he shudders in pain and falls back to his knees. His sword shines strongly.

“Arrrgh! What is this…?!”

He opens his eyes, now shining, his heart races, his breathing is rampant.

Valerie, Anton, Natalie, Diane…Arck, the battle, the spell, the darkness!

He trembles, his silver aura triggers.

Arrrgh, it hurts...The sword, it healed me before. The sword can help me…

He focuses and the sword shines more strongly, but a black spark comes out of it. He panics, but the sword doesn’t leave his hand, he keeps holding it firmly against his will.

“What is this?! My...My hand!”

Hehe...Welcome back to your fate, scum.

“No, ARCK! Get out of my head!”

Raffale is desperate, trembling, seeing a dark mist coming out of him. He pushes his hand on his chest.

“My...soul, burns!”

The power is mine…

“Noooooooo!”

His arcane aura bursts. His voice becomes ragged, his skin turns paler, his eyes get dark and his smile, evil.

“Hahahahaha, finally! The mighty weapon I found thanks to these damned priests, and killing lots of people in the process! I must try it, I must taste this power I chased for so long, I must get a glimpse of what I’ll be able to do when I return to Clysse”

No! Give my body back!

“Shut up, you worm! Too bad you can’t remember our time together, but there’s not time for that”

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Thanks for that @Flaviosky , it seems like a tough one to pull off. I think you have it for the most part, it's just the difference between Raffale and Arck is hard to make out. I'd have maybe liked it more if Arck was somehow briefly separated from the MC and described as a spirit or something to show the posession (though this being a snippet it might be clearer in a longer context).

Fair play

 

[Wayne Mack]

Having two characters inhabit a single body is difficult to write, but the pay off for the reader is immense.

My issue was that I never felt engaged with the POV character. I think that is due to switching between internal thoughts and an external POV. You may want to consider writing the entire scene only using internal thoughts.

I did like the part of fighting for control of the character's hand before revealing the antagonist was the correct sequence. Some of the antagonist's dialog seems to be overly melodramatic. For example,

Hehe...Welcome back to your fate, scum.

I am not sure how much the wizard expects prior to waking in a new body, but this opening indicates that he is quite sure of himself.

Two characters fighting for control of a single body can provide a lot of psychological drama. Try to keep the reader's focus on that area.

 

[Flaviosky]

My issue was that I never felt engaged with the POV character

Maybe I could make the "memories strike back" part a little bit longer in terms of how the POV character felt in that battle that went wrong.

this opening indicates that he is quite sure of himself.

Actually, he treats everyone as if they were inferior, using always the adjectives of "insect", "scum", "scoundrel", "trash", "pig", etc. It also makes it easier to dispense with dialogue tags, as his derogatory way of speaking make it obvious he's talking.

Two characters fighting for control of a single body can provide a lot of psychological drama. Try to keep the reader's focus on that area.

I will revise my writing to make sure this drama is properly adressed, as psychological features are kind of the scope of the story.

Thanks!

 

[BcRedneck]

I missed all the switches I do write thoughts and voices of others in the head of my character's using italics and bold italics, but there is probably many better ways to do this. This is a short piece of it. If its not ok send me a message and I will remove right away. My personal opinion is this removes doubt as to who is talking Alora is the main and in bold is the woman she hears.

Alora finished her glass and lit a smoke.
“It’s not you. ****ing asshole left me with the voice he heard. Some woman he slept with before he lost his sh*t. Before you say I’m crazy that voice told me things to prove she was real”.
“I believe you, many people come to this world looking for the people in their minds, your just the first one who wants to put a end to it”.
“Well falling in love with a asshole more interested in a ****ing hallucination of some woman he f***ed will do that”.
f*ck you Alora. He hears all of this, how do you think he feels when you say sh*t like that. He wanted you to start a new life and leave all this behind you. Now he’s watching you make the same mistakes he did. It’s killing him inside.
If he was so concerned about it he could tell me himself. Why does he hide behind you?
Because being in love with a person in your head isn’t healthy. It destroys the real relationships you need to have in life. He wants more than anything to talk to you again, but wont for your own good. And you talk about him as if he found something better and tossed you to the curb.
No he tossed me into a jungle of people who wanted to kill me, so he could be with you forever. Why the f*ck don’t you shut up or I’ll tell everyone who you were.
The woman gave no response.
“Time to get shitfaced?”
Naomi smiled.
"Ya"