Spacey Xmas Short

JS Wiig

“Hello, muse?” “Please hold…” *elevator music*
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I appreciate any and all feedback on this short spacey xmas tale. Thanks!

———————

Regulus

“You lied to me,” crackled over the spacesuit headset.

Well, technically it wasn’t a lie. Withholding the truth was not lying. But still, she sounded angry, and rightly so. He had to be cautious then, or risk losing her support.

“I did it for your own good.” Dang, probably not the right thing to have said.

Her face reddened behind the glare of her visor. If he could’ve heard through the dead silence of space, it’d have probably been the sound of her breathing air system operating at max capacity.

They worked the rest of their shift in silence, which was a good thing: it precluded him from saying anything more stupid. And he would have, given the chance. After all, he always did. Routine maintenance of the orbiting space station’s solar arrays was a task they had completed hundreds of times over the last three years, and it turned out they didn’t need to speak anymore to do it.

They finished, entered the airlock and began removing their suits.

“Look, Simone—“

“Don’t ‘look Simone’ me,” she said, her auburn hair tousling over her shoulders after spilling from her helmet. “As your mission commander I should have been informed the moment you even suspected. You’ve got some explaining to do, and it better start in 3, 2, 1…”

“Ok, yes, you’re right,” John said, avoiding the sharp gaze of her piercing green eyes. “But first, I didn’t lie. I just—“ He rubbed his hand through his sweat matted helmet hair. “—I just didn’t tell you the whole truth.”

The airlock opened with a hiss and they re-entered the relative calm of the station’s inner hull. While they may have been temporarily protected from the intensive solar radiation of the four suns there, John feared an even more dangerous flare brewing in Simone. The airlock closed behind and Simone spun on him, her finger jabbed menacingly in his face.

“Three years we have spent together on this station,” she blazed. “Three years! I thought I could trust you. What the hell am I saying. I have trusted you. With my life. And now this. How am I supposed to continue trusting you?” She looked at him, apparently waiting for an answer.

John hoped what he said next didn’t sound too stupid. “I didn’t know.”

Her finger fell to his chest. “What?”

His gaze moved to the floor, and his feet shuffled about. “I didn’t think it was possible,” he said after a long pause, more to the decking than Simone.

“Not possible? Don’t you match the genetic profile? Didn’t you volunteer for this mission? Don’t you spend over four hours a day bathing in the solar radiation concentrating chamber as prescribed? Are you not still a virgin? Not possible? YOU CAME HERE SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS REASON!”

“Ok, calm down.” The nearly imperceptible motion of the station’s continuous plummet around the fourth unnamed planet of the double-binary Regulus star system was making him queasy. In the past three years it had never done that. Not until recently.

Simone must have noticed because she quickly came to his side and supported his arm. “Are you ok? You look like you might be sick?”

“No it’s fine. It’s just—“ Bile rose quickly in his throat. He clenched his lips tight as to not make a mess there. Simone rushed him to the lavatory where he emptied his stomach.

Later, as they rested together with his head in her lap and Simone tenderly caressing his forehead, a communication from the Imperial Church arrived. It read:

Hark! We have received and analyzed your latest quarterly physical report. A miracle has occurred! For over 10 millennia the Imperial Church has awaited fulfillment of the Prophecy of the Bearer, the Second Coming of our Blessed Ruler, and the ushering in of a new era of Peace and Blessing. Thousands of devout male virgins have perished in the holy fires of the sacred suns of Regulus in this bravest of crusades; it is in the enriched aura of these past sacrifices that you have now blossomed. Your service to the Church shall not be without reward. The remaining days of your natural lives, as well as your eternal afterlives, will be spent among the hallowed halls and gardens of the Imperial Palace. Also per custom, you will be granted the privilege of naming the coming Savior, our new Empress. A ship has been dispatched to return you to the Central System and should arrive within the week. Congratulations!

With gratitude, Popess Grace the XXIV


John and Simone set the tablet displaying the communique down on the bed and clasped hands. John placed his free hand on his slightly swollen abdomen, and suddenly craved pickles and ice cream. He smiled nervously up at Simone. “Well, what should we name her?”
 
I think you've written an intriguing story with a fun twist at the end, and it's definitely a good start.

So here's what I thought could be tidied up in future drafts:
1. The first few paragraphs of the argument don't seem to make sense. I don't understand why they're going out to do routine maintenance after learning that the whole reason they've been sent on the mission has occurred.
2. We don't really get a sense of how John feels about what is happening to his body. When we get into his head, he's mostly concerned with how Simone is reacting. I would have liked to get more of what John is feeling, his conflicts, his hopes, the reason he volunteered to go on the mission. Both characters felt fairly undiscovered, most likely due to:
3. The "twist" ending. I'm guessing you want the ending to feel like a twist, but for my taste it was too much of a twist. There was so much information tossed out in those last few paragraphs (especially compared to what felt like a lack of information in the preceding paragraphs) that I had trouble taking any of it in, especially in the letter from the Church. Because you were keeping so much hidden I felt that we lost out on learning about the characters: their motivations, misgivings, etc., and that could have made for a more interesting story prior to the ending.

A couple, too-specific problems:
For over 10 millennia the Imperial Church has awaited fulfillment of the Prophecy of the Bearer, the Second Coming of our Blessed Ruler
Also per custom, you will be granted the privilege of naming the coming Savior
How is there a "custom" for something they've been waiting 10 millennia for?

“I did it for your own good.” Dang, probably not the right thing to have said.
This line is pretty bland, and isn't followed up on later. John gives no later reasoning for why he thought not telling Simone was "for her own good." (The argument also gets dropped without ceremony as soon as John starts feeling queasy, so it felt a little unresolved to me)

TL;DR: I think you've got a good start on a promising story idea. I personally would have liked less of a "twist" ending in exchange for more understanding of the characters, their relationship, and their feelings. An argument is a good place for a lot of that, so long as you aren't afraid to give up a few of the secrets you're holding back for the twist (not all, just a few). Keep writing.
 
Just an odd little detail .... She has auburn hair that tousles over her shoulders after spilling from her helmet - he has sweat matted helmet hair.

Why haven't they both got sweaty hair?
 
Hi JS Wiig, I really enjoyed your short story. I think that the dialogue and descriptions were good and I liked the twist. There are a few sentences that you might consider tidying up and adding the odd semi-colon, but those are minor points and personal preference

“You lied to me,” suggests that he has said something to her, when it appears that he's said nothing; perhaps "You deceived me" may work better?


Also the “I did it for your own good.” doesn't make any sense, because this isn't explained - why does it benefit her not to know? An alternative could be "I wasn't sure how you'd react"? She sounds like quite a fiery character, so this would make sense - and likely annoy her!


Him saying “I didn’t know.” doesn't seem appropriate here, as he must have known (as you mention later) - he just doesn't believe it's true. I would suggest amending what he says here, or you could easily drop these two lines entirely:

John hoped what he said next didn’t sound too stupid. “I didn’t know.”

Her finger fell to his chest. “What?”


and it would read just as well.



As sule mentions, the message from the Popess is probably the part that I would consider making the most adjustments to. You don't needs as much information as you provide here, because most of it isn't relevant to the story and could be guessed at or deducted by the reader.

Overall though I think that this is a great piece of imaginative writing; you make your characters really come alive and (with a little tweaking) I think this would have done well in one of the 300 word Challenges.
 
Thank you all for the feedback!

In this revision I attempted to add a bit of depth to John and Simone’s relationship, uncover some of John’s motives, sprinkle in a few clues leading up to the info-dump church letter, and gave Simone sweaty helmet hair.

REVISED
———————

Regulus

“You lied to me,” crackled over the spacesuit headset.

Well, technically it wasn’t a lie. Withholding the truth was not lying. But still, she sounded angry, and rightly so. He had to be cautious then, or risk losing her.

“I did it for your own good.” Dang, probably not the right thing to have said.

And he didn’t really even know why he said it. It’s not like he was protecting her by hiding the truth. If anything he was protecting himself from the rejection he knew was coming. And it wasn’t like she wouldn’t have found out anyway. It was probably his sub-conscience looking to mess things up just like always. Or maybe it was just the hormones. He’d read somewhere that hormones caused these kinds of things to happen when a woman was with child. But a man? He had felt a bit moody lately. Who would know? He sure didn’t. No male in his known universe would have experienced anything like that.

And then there was the confusion. How was this even possible? Not as much his condition, per se, but it being him. He’d never really been that devoted to the Church. In fact, he’d come to the station because he wanted an easy checkout from his depressed existence. He definitely didn’t come here to fall in love or bear a child. What led the universe to believe he deserved to have something so grandiose happen?

Her face reddened behind the glare of her visor. If he could’ve heard through the dead silence of space, it’d have probably been the sound of her breathing air system operating at max capacity.

Yeah, he’d definitely done it this time.

They worked the rest of their shift in silence, which was a good thing: it precluded him from saying anything more stupid. And he would have, given the chance. After all, he always did, and never what he truly meant or felt. Routine maintenance of the orbiting space station’s solar arrays was a task they had completed hundreds of times over the last three years, and it turned out they didn’t need to speak anymore to do it.

They finished, entered the airlock and began removing their suits.

“Look, Simone—“

“Don’t ‘look Simone’ me,” she said, her auburn hair clinging to the soft curves of her neck. “As your mission commander, heck as your supposed friend, I should have been informed, by you, the moment you even suspected. Instead, I had to read it in a physical condition report weeks later. You’ve got some explaining to do, and it better start in 3, 2, 1…”

“Ok, yes, you’re right,” John said, avoiding the sharp gaze of her piercing green eyes. “But first, I didn’t lie. I just—“ He rubbed his hand through his own sweat matted helmet hair. “—I just haven’t told you the whole truth.”

The airlock opened with a hiss and they re-entered the relative calm of the station’s inner hull. While they may have been temporarily shielded from the intense solar radiation of the four suns there, John feared an even hotter flare rising in Simone. The airlock closed behind and Simone spun on him, her finger jabbed menacingly in his face.

“Three years we have spent together on this station,” she blazed. “Three years! I thought I could trust you. What the hell am I saying. I have trusted you. With my life. I care for you too, John, maybe more. I don’t know. And now this. How am I supposed to feel about this, about what’s happening to you, what’s happening between us?” She looked at him, apparently waiting for an answer.

“I didn’t know.”

Her finger fell to his chest. “What?”

His gaze moved to the floor, and his feet shuffled about. “I didn’t think it was possible,” he said after a long pause, more to the decking than Simone.

“Not possible? Don’t you match the genetic profile? Didn’t you volunteer for this mission? Don’t you spend over four hours a day bathing in the solar radiation concentrating chamber as prescribed? Are you not still a virgin? Not possible? YOU CAME HERE SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS REASON!”

“No, it’s not that. What I mean is—“

Well, this was it. He had to say it now, or he risked losing her for good.

“—the thing is, I didn’t come here for this. I wanted to die and was too much of a coward to do it myself. So i figured I’d let the Church do it for me, like they’ve been doing for thousands of years. But then I got to know you and…” He looked up at her, into those beautiful green eyes.

Simone’s hand fell to her side.

The nearly imperceptible motion of the station’s continuous plummet around the fourth unnamed planet of the double-binary Regulus star system suddenly made him queasy. In the past three years it had never done that. Not until recently.

Simone must have noticed because she came to his side and supported his arm. “Are you ok? You look like you might be sick? It’s the baby, isn’t it?”

“No it’s fine. It’s just—“ Bile rose quickly in his throat. He clenched his lips tight as to not make a mess there. Simone rushed him to the lavatory where he emptied his stomach.

Later, as they rested together with his head in her lap and Simone tenderly caressing his forehead, a communication from the Imperial Church arrived. It read:

Hark! We have received and analyzed your latest quarterly physical report. A miracle has occurred! For over 10 millennia the Imperial Church has awaited fulfillment of the Prophecy of the Bearer, the Second Coming of our Cherished Ruler, and the ushering in of a new era of Peace and Blessing. Thousands of devout male virgins have perished in the holy fires of the sacred suns of Regulus in this bravest of crusades; it is in the enriched aura of these past sacrifices that you have now blossomed. Your service to the Church shall not be without reward. The remaining days of your natural lives, as well as your eternal afterlives, will be spent among the hallowed halls and gardens of the Imperial Palace. Also, per the binding covenants, you will be granted the privilege of naming the coming Savior, our new Empress. A ship has been dispatched to return you to the Central System and should arrive within the week. Congratulations!

With gratitude, Popess Grace the XXIV


John and Simone set the tablet displaying the communique down on the bed and clasped hands. John placed his free hand on his slightly swollen abdomen, and suddenly craved pickles and ice cream. He smiled nervously up at Simone. “Well, what should we name her?”
 
Well, technically it wasn’t a lie. Withholding the truth was not lying. But still, she sounded angry, and rightly so. He had to be cautious then, or risk losing her.
This is great!
There are a few places where you could tighten this, edit it further, in this particular case perhaps: Well, technically, it wasn't a lie but withholding the truth. Still, he should be cautious; she sounded angry, and he didn't want to lose her.
Less is more. In this case, by four words and a little more concise. Edit fully, bring meaning and relative information to each piece of dialogue (short stories especially), and it's a Christmas cracker.
 

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