Formatting dialog interspersed with description

[msstice]

Is the following sentence correctly punctuated?

"Behold," said a heavy third voice, "each says what they wish to be true," setting off a quiet tittering through the group.

 

[The Judge]

I'm not quite sure what is intended here, but to my mind it doesn't work, not because of the punctuation per se, but that "setting" which is floating unfixed and which no amount of punctuation would ameliorate. I'd suggest as alternatives:

"Behold," said a heavy third voice, setting off a quiet tittering through the group, "each says what they wish to be true."​

Though if I were writing it, for this construction I'd probably go with

"Behold!" said a heavy third voice, which set off a quiet tittering through the group. "Each says what they wish to be true."​

​

Otherwise:

​

"Behold," said a heavy third voice, "each says what they wish to be true." This set off a quiet tittering through the group.​

Though again this wouldn't be my take on this construction, as I'd want something more active for the final sentence (though "A quiet tittering ran through the group at this." sounds vaguely Benny-Hill-esque and mildly salacious, so I'd opt for "Subdued laughter" or similar.)

 

[msstice]

Thanks @The Judge . The topic is a bit salacious, so if "tittering" brings that to your mind, it was a right choice of word. I'm having trouble not just with this sentence, but with the whole conversation, because the "heavy voice" is the wit of the group and the group realizes he's building up to something, and there is a gradual building up of mirth in the group which I'm still working on conveying.

In this particular piece of dialog, while they might start to guess at his intent, because of his "Behold!" which is sarcastically grand, they really only start to titter when he finishes this sentence.

How about:

"Behold," said a heavy third voice, "each says what they wish to be true." A quiet tittering spread through the group.

Thanks again for playing along, much appreciated.

 

[HareBrain]

Interesting one. I don't much like the construction of the original, though I wasn't sure if it was technically OK or not. The following is definitely OK:

A heavy third voice said, "blah blah," setting off a quiet tittering through the group.

So is this:

"Blah," a heavy third voice said, "blah blah."

So shouldn't this also be OK?

"Blah," a heavy third voice said, "blah blah," setting off a quiet tittering through the group.

Which is the same basic construction as the original. It still feels wrong, though.

BTW, "Behold" means "look at this", so I don't think it works with the rest of the dialogue, unless you mean the speaker to sound ignorant (rather than merely grandiloquent).

 

[msstice]

@HareBrain I like your first version.

A heavy third voice said, "Behold, each says what they wish to be true," sending a quiet titter through the group.

Re: your statement about the word "behold". Would it be wrong in this context?

"My mace is the heaviest, so it is the best," said a first voice.

"My shield is the best, as it is the heaviest," said a second.

A heavy third voice said, "Behold, each says what they wish to be true," sending a quiet titter through the group.

 

[msstice]

PS. Thank you all for your comments. In case you are interested, I've posted my first draft of the larger section this was taken from here: An eavesdropper listens (484 words)

 

[HareBrain]

Re: your statement about the word "behold". Would it be wrong in this context?

It does make sense now. The pedant part of me (which is about 99%) is still a bit niggled by the fact that "behold" references seeing and this is to do with hearing, but then again, a modern person might say "See there?" in the same context. I guess you could have "Hark to that!" as an alternative.