Book blurb (again!)

[Jo Zebedee]

following on from Toby's book blurb, this is one I'm working on for a book coming out - I hope! - this summer. Have at it. It's a YA climate-change dystopia.

Into a Blood-Red Sky

Harry's standing orders are clear: looters must be shot on sight.

Julia's needs are simple: a refugee from the Great European Drought, she must find food for her family and team, even if she has to risk looting Harry's homestead.

When Harry discovers Julia he lets her go, forcing them on the run. But when Julia realises the deadly fate in store for her family, they have to face what they fled from. Even if it kills them, too.

 

[Stephen Palmer]

First sentence: good.
Second sentence... I immediately wondered why she would loot Harry's specifically.
Third sentence I felt counteracted the point of the first.
I like the emphasis on the characters and their dilemmas!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

First sentence: good.
Second sentence... I immediately wondered why she would loot Harry's specifically.
Third sentence I felt counteracted the point of the first.
I like the emphasis on the characters and their dilemmas!

Thanks Stephen

Second sentence might need a small bit of world building
Third sentence I can make it clearer that by disobeying orders, Harry unleashes the chain of events.

For those who have beta read - should I mention Home specifically. It is very sinister. Might be a good hook.

 

[tinkerdan]

It sounds interesting.

When Harry discovers Julia he lets her go, forcing them on the run. But when Julia realises the deadly fate in store for her family, they have to face what they fled from. Even if it kills them, too.

I was a bit uncertain what the second sentence means to implicate.

But when Julia realises the deadly fate in store for her family, they have to face what they fled from.

Is this referencing the consequence of the two running off together or something completely new that grows out of it or the relationship of the two? Or is it something totally different discovered through Harry? Or is it just something unrelated? Since they have to face what they fled from I might assume it's a consequence...but I'm not sure.

I'm not sure if there is a reason to not make that clear of if possibly you could make it a bit clearer than it is.

Note: next time I should refresh the browser before making a comment.

 

[nixie]

Hmph, I only looked to see if this was for IC2.

I may have to resort to kidnap and torture to get my book, wonder if Kerry has any tips?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Hmph, I only looked to see if this was for IC2.

I may have to resort to kidnap and torture to get my book, wonder if Kerry has any tips?

I'm clearing my work decks these next two weeks, and hope to get back to some writing then.

 

[msstice]

I can guess the story is cool, but the fragmented nature of the sentences bothers me. One idea did not flow compellingly to the next. Here's an attempt with made up fillers.

Into a Blood-Red Sky

Fleeing the Great European Drought, Julia infiltrates Harry's camp to steal food for her starving tribe. Harry captures her, but when ordered to shoot her, flees with her instead. When Harry tells Julia of the terrible fate that awaits all those fleeing the Drought, Julia must decide whether to risk pressing on, or turn back to the devastation she was fleeing from.

This is rubbish of course, but what I am lacking in the original is a flow from one thing to another.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I didn't feel that the blurb gave me indication that this is YA nor about climate change ("the Great European Drought" was not explicit enough for me). I also did not follow the logic in the third paragraph. Why was Julia forced on the run because of being let go? What fate does she face and what is she fleeing from? For me, these need to be more explicitly stated to give me reason a select the book. Lastly, why mention Harry in the blurb, as it seems that his part of the story is finished, once he let Julia go free? If he is going to be a continued presence, then that should be mentioned in the blurb, If he is not, then omit his mention.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Thanks all - I was avoiding the more narrative approach to see if it was hookier; evidently not

the blurb used to read something like this:

Harry must follow Home‘s strict rules, set by his grandfather. When he discovers Julie, a refugee of the European Great Drought, looting for food, he disobeys his orders and lets her go. But Home does not allow infringements, and he has to flee with both her and his vulnerable brother, Scott.

When they discover the deadly fate that awaits the refugee caravans, including Julie‘s family, Harry must decide whether to hide or fight - even if fighting means betraying his own people.

 

[Toby Frost]

Maybe you could add a bit about who Harry is. Perhaps "Harry is a guard of the Great Northern Wall [etc]. His orders are...". I'd cut "standing", as if feels a bit extraneous.

"They have to face what they fled from" feels slightly awkward, but I find it hard to know what to replace it with. "They must face what they have fled" or "they must face what they are fleeing", perhaps. I think it's the "from" at the end that doesn't work for me. "Flee" seems to be both transitive and intransitive, so I don't think you have to have the "from". But perhaps it adds clarity.

 

[msstice]

Thanks all - I was avoiding the more narrative approach to see if it was hookier; evidently not

the blurb used to read something like this:

Harry must follow Home‘s strict rules, set by his grandfather. When he discovers Julie, a refugee of the European Great Drought, looting for food, he disobeys his orders and lets her go. But Home does not allow infringements, and he has to flee with both her and his vulnerable brother, Scott.

When they discover the deadly fate that awaits the refugee caravans, including Julie‘s family, Harry must decide whether to hide or fight - even if fighting means betraying his own people.

Like this much better! It does place Harry much more centrally than Julia, whereas the first one you posted puts Julia first (in my mind). Just something to be aware of.

 

[HareBrain]

the blurb used to read something like this:

Harry must follow Home‘s strict rules, set by his grandfather. When he discovers Julie, a refugee of the European Great Drought, looting for food, he disobeys his orders and lets her go. But Home does not allow infringements, and he has to flee with both her and his vulnerable brother, Scott.

When they discover the deadly fate that awaits the refugee caravans, including Julie‘s family, Harry must decide whether to hide or fight - even if fighting means betraying his own people.

This one's really good IMO.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Like this much better! It does place Harry much more centrally than Julia, whereas the first one you posted puts Julia first (in my mind). Just something to be aware of.

It’s a dual narrative so they’re shared main characters - although the brother is the beating heart of the book so I’m glad he got a mention.

Memo to self don’t do clever and change things all fancy like

 

[Wayne Mack]

I like the second (original?) blurb better. One tweak, I felt the final sentence was overly long and the inclusion of Julia's family reduced the drama of the statement. That inclusion could be simply dropped.

When they discover the deadly fate that awaits the refugee caravans, including Julie‘s family, Harry must decide whether to hide or fight - even if fighting means betraying his own people.

One consideration. The first blurb made me think that Julia was the POV character, while the second made me think it was Harry. I could see either as the lead in a dystopian YA story, but the blurb should properly reflect who is the lead.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I like the second (original?) blurb better. One tweak, I felt the final sentence was overly long and the inclusion of Julia's family reduced the drama of the statement. That inclusion could be simply dropped.



One consideration. The first blurb made me think that Julia was the POV character, while the second made me think it was Harry. I could see either as the lead in a dystopian YA story, but the blurb should properly reflect who is the lead.

Neither is in the lead - it’s a shared narrative. A bit like The Time Traveller’s Wife. At an absolute pinch I’d say Harry but Julie’s story forms the backbone of a lot of the narrative

 

[msstice]

It’s a dual narrative so they’re shared main characters - although the brother is the beating heart of the book so I’m glad he got a mention.

I have a similar story (2 main POV and one POV that offers a rare perspective) so it's great for me to see how you chose to handle the blurb.