Short Story: Have You Heard The Good News (700 words)

[Aknot]

30 post count done and posting a short story. My goal with writing for now is to improve my English, get more mileage in creative writing and do it on a regular basis. Any feedback appreciated.


Have You Heard The Good News

“Have you heard the good news?”
The two men on the woman's stoop were similar in many ways. They had well groomed hair, plain button down shirts and almost perfect white smiles. One of them had glasses and held a book to his chest with both hands. It looked like he was hugging it. The other man held a worn briefcase.
“I’m sorry, the woman replied. You boys certainly look decent enough but I don’t have any interest in that message these days.”
The tone was kind but dismissive.
“But have you heard the good news,” glasses persisted, smiling at her.
“Listen. I would rather you leave, she responded,” with a tone of annoyance.
She started to close the door but found a foot in the way. It was briefcase doing it.
“You should really hear the goods news,” he insisted.
“Let me guess,” she said, clearly upset now. “He will rise and save me. Now piss off.”
Glasses smile faltered a bit before he regained his composure.
“Yes, but I don’t think he will save you,” he said.
“Will you remove that foot or do I need to call the police,” she responded. Then she seamed to realize what he had said. “And f*ck you for that comment, she finished, truly angry by now.”
It was briefcase that answered this time.
“I can see your confusion and that’s alright. There is still salvation to be found.”
He tried another smile. It did not work.
“You boys gonna f*ck off or do I need the sheriff here to get you off my stoop?” She was almost yelling.
“You really should thank us,” glasses said.
“Better to be the one hearing it first,” briefcase giggled.
“Yes, you don’t want to hear the good news last,” glasses chimed in. He seemed about to burst out giggling as well.
They both looked expectantly at her, while she tried to figure out what her next move was. She really did not want to bother the sheriff, but as usual her anger had gotten the best of her and backing down was not her way.
The silence stretched on.
“I think our time here has ended,” glasses finally said.
“But she hasn’t heard the good news,” briefcase argued, looking at glasses.
“Some folk just don’t want to listen. It’s the way of the world.”
They started to walk away, arguing in friendly tones with each other about the sad state of things. A dozen or so paces down the road they stopped, then briefcase ran back and smiling at her handed over a dog eared pamphlet.
“You should take it anyway,” he said. “Even if you haven’t heard it, there it is,” he finished, then left yet again.
She stood there for a long while, looking after them. Making sure they left. Pamphlet in hand she made for the kitchen, grabbing the mug of now cold coffee that she had been drinking.
God damn ****ing missionaries she said to herself.
She went to the end of the counter near the back door and with her foot pushed the opener to the lid of the bin.
What the hell kind of trash did they give me anyway, she thought, and held up the papers before throwing them away. Coffee mug in hand she pulled down her glasses to see the text.
She had to read the title twice just to be sure she had it right. What was that supposed to mean, she asked herself. The woman moved to throw it away again but something stopped her. Curiosity had her open it at random. She tried to understand the text but could not. It still made no sense. So she opened the first page and started reading.
Two hours later she had finished it and strode forth from her house. Under one arm was copies she had made on her tiny home printer.
I must let others know, she told herself happily. They must hear the goods news. He has risen.
She smiled. All would be well. The King in Yellow would see to it.

 

[The Judge]

I have to confess, Aknot, that I got to the end of the story and was rather flummoxed. "The King in Yellow" meant nothing to me, and so the whole piece seemed rather pointless. I've now googled the expression, and I see that you're alluding to an anthology of short horror stories, in order, presumably, to suggest this is actually a horror story in itself, as it isn't divine revelation which has changed the woman's stance, but rather her mind has been warped by some otherworldly/demonic piece of writing. Clearly, if this were part of an horror anthology itself, you could depend on the readership understanding what you were getting at. Where that advantage isn't available, and you're using an allusion which might not be recognised by your readers, I think it is important to make the story comprehensible on its own terms, so here more is needed to make it clear something horrific has happened.

I'm not a reader of horror so I'm a floundering a little as to how horror stories are usually written and delivered, but if I were to take this as a fantasy, then even had I understood the allusion I would still have found the story somewhat lacking. To my mind, there's no atmosphere, no tension, no hints or foreshadowing of what is to come, and the extensive repetition adds only word count without truly progressing the story. There is some useful characterisation of the woman with her growing anger and hints of her past, though I'd have preferred more, but in my view the two evangelists seem a bundle of inconsistences. I don't care for the kind of omniscient POV you've used, so that didn't help my engagement with the story, I'm afraid, and to my mind the ending needs to be more dramatic and/or more intriguing to justify the whole.

I don't know if you spent much time editing this before posting, but there are a number of errors of punctuation which you need to sort out, such as missing question marks, and on several occasions you've put the quotation marks in the wrong place. There's a "seamed" that should be "seemed" and the "was copies" should be "were copies". I'd also suggest you give capitals for Glasses and Briefcase when using the nicknames to make it clearer.

So in my view there's a bit more work needed here to make this story shine, both as to the storyline/plot and issues such as POV and atmosphere, and in the writing of it.

Sorry I can't be more enthusiastic at this stage, but good luck with it.

 

[msstice]

Great work in getting a draft together and thanks for letting us read it.

The two men on the woman's stoop were similar in many ways

This is going to me a very "me" thing, but I got disoriented at the opening. I assumed the men were actually boys, sitting on the steps of the woman's house. Only when the woman spoke did I realize what the orientation was. I stopped everything to analyze why I got things wrong. It could totally be me, but if you said "The two men in front of her, standing on her stoop, were similar in many ways." I think I wouldn't have made this mistake. It depends on how you will play this, but I realized that no strong indication of POV was what threw me. Instead of looking from the woman's eyes, I was looking from a bystander on the street's eyes. Small thing. Probably a me thing.

The tone was kind but dismissive.

with a tone of annoyance

Your dialog is pretty good. I don't think you need these additional tone cues. It may not bother a regular reader, though.

It was briefcase doing it.

I thought the person had slipped the briefcase to prop the door open.

It was briefcase that answered this time.

For a moment, because my brain is hardwired to read SF, I thought the brief case was speaking. I was ready for a Alien/supernatural tale at this point. After a few more sentences I figured it out.

Perhaps use "The man with the briefcase" and "The man with the glasses" to start off, and then shorten once we know for sure what's going on.

The writing in the middle makes good use of suspense, because we all want her to read the pamphlet, and then once she has, we all want to know what's it about.

The ending, where she's converted, is good, but I've come to expect this ending, paradoxically, because, well it's a class of twist I've read all my life. I don't know what kind of ending would engage me more, TBH, but there it is.

The King in Yellow would see to it.

This, I could not put together.

There were minor editing errors that are only relevant if you miss them in the final version.

Overall, I like the flow, the building of suspense and conflict. The ending did not quite stick, which is often a problem in short stories with twists.

I can't give concrete pointers for improving the story. You could add some information from the missionaries hinting at what they are "selling" to add some more tension. As to the ending, I don't know what I would do with that.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Good stuff @Aknot , I liked it -though, like mentioned above, I think if the 'king in yellow' was cut it'd create a sort of enigma for another section. I think it is the woman's story, so it might be good to name her. In the same way the glasses/ briefcase descriptions of the other two sort of indicate they are not really main players in the story; but they seem more than that -might be worth trying to give them names and see how it goes.
I'm new to writing so take all that with a pinch of salt, and just as some random observations.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I like the concept of a secret text that, once read, converts the reader. In most stories of this type, the book in question is described as evil, I like that it is more ambiguous in this story and the reader is left to wonder whether the woman's conversion is is for good or ill.

Some things to consider that might enhance the story. In the open three-quarters of the story, there are interleaved dialog and description. The switching back and forth made it difficult to follow either dialog or description. As the actions taken are really immaterial to the story, consider dropping them and just focus on the dialog.

Three person dialog is always difficult to convey, as it requires the tagging of each speaker. The use of 'glasses' and 'briefcase' to describe the speakers had the unfortunate effect of having me picture the actual glasses and briefcase as speaking. Needless to say, this removed all suspense in the story for me. Consider having only one person at the door. This would allow for a simple A-B exchange without the need for any dialog tags.

The woman's initial reaction seemed to be overly angry. The normal response that I would expect would be cold politeness. The initial anger also made it more difficult to accept her description to read the text. Consider reducing the level of initial anger and then extending the section where she considers reading the text. Show some of the conflict between just wanting to throw it away and a growing curiosity to read it.

The transformation of the woman from a non-believer to a zealous advocate is interesting. Having the book content unknown with the open question of whether the book is a force for good or for evil, leaves the reader with an interesting question to ponder.

 

[Mon0Zer0]

Lovecraftian horror is right in my wheelhouse. There's a kernel of a good idea here, but it needs developing.

“Have you heard the good news?”

is a good opening line. It draws you in and makes you want to read on.

Repetition: At present, the dialogue only really conveys two bits of information. "Have you heard the good news" and, effectively "f*ck off" - all you're really doing is repeating these two lines between the characters over and over. It gets too repetitive. Rather, you should think about the flow of the conversation, and the three characters as real people. Make them go on a journey. Try and think what could happen.

Motivations: Try and review this scene from each character's perspective in turn. Ask yourself what they want, what's stopping them, what they're going to do to try to get it and how they feel about it.

Point of view: The scene doesn't have a strong point of view, yet. Try and really get into the heads of the character.

Put the good stuff in: The real kernel of the story is that the woman is converted to believing in the King in Yellow. The story is really about the conversion process, yet this is almost entirely absent from the story. Focus your story on the book and how it manages to convert her and you'll be onto a winner.

Characters: Although this is a short story, really get into the characters heads. Try and think what they're really like. At the moment they have no discernible qualities or personality.

Cursing: Swear words only really work when they're used sparingly. Save them for moments of extreme emotion or high drama, rather than as everyday intensifiers. They can be a crux to lean on when you want to show anger. Instead, try to think of another, more creative way of writing the line.

Atmosphere: In a horror piece like this, there is a real opportunity to build atmosphere. Maybe the cult members seem strange, like they're slightly off. Maybe they smile too much, or keep eye contact too long. Maybe they smell funny, or maybe something about them is hypnotising or frightening. Maybe it's night time and a gibbous moon is on the wane or something - Lovecraft was amazing at writing atmosphere, have a read of a few of his books and learn from him.

 

[Aknot]

Thank you all for some great feedback!

I had a scene and a twist in my head and wrote it. Clearly I did not consider the reader enough, but that’s a good lesson.

Many really good pointers on what I could do to improve the story as my writing in general. I will get another draft done and see if I can make it convey the scene and POV better, as well as gives a good enough ending. Especially for those that have never heard of the reference. I have to admit just expecting everyone on a Fantasy/SF forum to know their Cthulhu mythos ;P

A quick question if I may: I am considering using background TV or radio as a way to inform the reader, but not the woman. Movies do it quite often but I haven’t read it in a book. Can anyone recall reading such passages that work well?

 

[WSDuffy]

Thank you for sharing this. My comments are below. As a warning, some of it may be counterintuitive, but I think it makes sense.

What is good

The core idea is solid and disturbing. It is a logical, if fantistical, response to the purpose of flyering, and it connects to a lot of the current fear about being brainwashed by media.

The description of the missionaries was solid, particularly if you are going for an allusion to Mormons or Scientologists, although I would do something to make it more emphatically not Mormon. Maybe distinctly colored pants or shirts?

The line where the woman is using her homemade printer is really strong. It really hits at the immediacy of the compulsion.


What I would cut/change

The dialogue between the woman and the missionaries, as others said, felt a little repetitive. I am now thinking this may be because of the POV issue described by msstice and Wayne. If we were squarely in the POV of the woman, then we could feel her progressively growing irritation with the missionaries that leads to the emotional explosion (something which is quite plausible to any of us who have lived in large cities and walked by many of them in one short trip). I also think that the escalation bounces back and forth, with the result that "f*** off" and "I'll call the police" undercut each other rather than build tension.

The later scene where the two missionaries are talking doesn't add much, and takes away from the moment of terror. This might be done better with a quick comment or glance from them as she leaves. The conversation between them pushes the weirdness too far forward, which undercuts a bit of the slow burn of your story.

I would stretch out the section where she is taken over by the pamphlet. It is the heart of the novel, and I want that sense of dread as she gets unwittingly sucked deeper and deeper in.

The King in Yellow is not foreshadowed, so it feels like it comes out of nowhere, as a couple of the other readers said. If the flyer had some sort of symbol that hinted towards him, or even if the missionaries had some sort of symbols on them, the reveal might hit harder. That said, in the short space you have, I don't think a named being is even that important.

Somewhat odd advice

I know this is already a short piece, but I would see if you cut it even shorter, to around 500 words, so it would be eligible for publication in flash fiction spaces. This should be doable without changing much of your story structure. It might end up looking a bit like this.

I) Woman (story told exclusively from her perspective) hears missionaries question. The story can still start with your strong opening line, but we would then jump right into her head.
II) Woman sees and sizes up the missionaries (this will make to call them "glasses" and "briefcase" stronger, because it would reflect her lack of knowledge of them). She tries to ignore them and goes on their way.
III) The Missionaries persist, obstructing her path and forcing a pamphlet into her hand. She escalates from ignorance to frustration, ultimately leading to lashing out ("f*** you")
IV) Missionary lets her past, but with knowing look or statement
V) Woman tries to throw out pamphlet, but reads it instead
VI) Woman is affected by the pamphlet to point of going home and printing out lots of copies (V and VI should be where the real energy is)
VII) Woman is now "converted", spreading pamphlets in similar attire to missionaries (You might preface this in VI by having her change for some seemingly mundane reason)

Hope that helps

 

[Aknot]

I’ve reworked the story, putting less emphasis on dialogue and reducing it to one “missionary”. I tried with snippets from a radio in the background to give the reader more details to build up the twist at the end.


=========================================

“Have you heard the good news?”

Mrs. Tiller had opened the door expecting to see her daughter. Instead she found a well dressed young man standing there, smiling at her. Under one arm he had a thick stack of pamphlets that seemed to have a yellow crayon drawing on the front page.

“I’m sorry, I’m expecting company.”

“Perhaps they would care to hear the good news as well?”

“I don’t wish to be rude, but I have no interest in what you’re selling.”

“Of course you do. Everyone does!” He smiled even wider, straining to hold the glad grin.

“Perhaps another time.”

She made to close the door but found a foot in the way.

“There is no need for that. It’s time you leave.”

He withdrew his foot, still smiling.

“You don’t want to be the last one to hear it,” the man said, almost giggling.

A cold breeze blew across the front yard. Shivering, she simply said “Goodbye,” and shut the door. She usually did not mind chatting with salesmen or the like but she was in no mood. Sybil had promised - like many times before - that she would stop by. Perhaps she really meant it this time.

Mrs. Tiller went back to the kitchen and the mug of coffee she had left on the counter. Through the windows she noticed that gray clouds had moved in. What odd weather, she thought. It was sunny earlier. Moments later the first drops splattered on the window. She turned on the radio and found a news station she liked to listen to.

“…out of nowhere. The Department of Homeland Security is calling it an attack by an unknown assailant, urging people…”

She got lost in her thoughts for a while, not really listening to the newscaster. She was staring at the rain, hoping that it would not be another deterrent for Sybil. A noise made her lean forward, glancing at the front door. Through the window next to it she noticed that the young man was still standing there, straining to keep his wide smile. The hair was plastered to his skull and the white shirt and tie soaked through.

“...those affected claim to hail from Carcosa. There is no known state or city with…”

What in the world, she thought and stood up, holding onto the counter with one hand. She left her coffee, again, and went back to the door, opening it.

“You really should hear the good news.”

The man held out one of the pamphlets to her. He had taken a plastic bag from somewhere and wrapped around his stack of paper to protect them from the rain. Drops hit the yellow crayon drawing as he gestured for her to take it. He kept smiling. There was a twitch in his right cheek.
Stunned, she took the papers. It seemed easier than refusing him. He nodded happily and went on his way without another word. She closed the door and looked at him crossing the street through the window, heading for one of her neighbors.

“...the common denominator so far seems to be a play, referencing someone called…”

Holding the papers in one hand she wiped off some water and put on her reading glasses. Walking back towards the Kitchen she took a look at the crayon drawing. It looked like a stick figure done by a small child. The King in Yellow was stenciled at the top with black marker. It meant nothing to her.

“...inside sources are calling it a ‘thought virus’. The Pentagon has made no…”

She walked to the back door and put her foot on the pedal to open the trash can standing next to it. Glancing at the papers again, she leafed through them. It seemed like 40 or 50 pages of text. She made to throw it away and stopped, curiosity getting the better of her. Opening a page at random she started to read. It seemed like nonsense. Sentences without meaning. Someone talking gibberish to someone else.

“...if you receive any such documentation, make sure you do not…”

Again she made to throw it in the trash, but did not. It wasn’t like she had anything better to do. Sybil was probably not coming. All those promises. She only wanted to be a small part of her life. Mrs. Tiller sighed and went back to her now cold coffee. Sitting down she opened the
first page and started reading.

Two hours later she was humming happily to herself as she strode out the door. She had taken photos of the whole pamphlet and sent to Sybil. Wasn't technology wonderful! Under her arm were copies of the papers that she had made on her tiny home printer. I must let others know, she told herself happily. Everyone must hear the good news.

 

[The Judge]

Aknot, I've taken the liberty of putting a line's clear space between the paragraphs for you. I meant to mention this regarding the first version, as it makes things easier to read, and now you've introduced longer paragraphs the whole thing presented rather as a wall of text, which might have put some people off reading and commenting, which would be a shame.

I don't have time to give a detailed critique right now, but just to say I thought it worked better with just the one man at the door and cutting all the repetition, and having him getting soaked in the rain outside, still waiting, was a good idea. I'm still not getting any atmosphere of horror, though, and I'm not convinced by the radio reports, which I think give too much away, so makes it less spooky/spine-chilling. Your editing is much better, so well done there, too. Only one thing leapt out at me on a quick read: "He smiled even wider" -- while that's probably used a lot colloquially, it's actually not correct English with the use of the adjective, and it should be an adverb ie "He smiled even more widely".