Detective Epimetheus, part II (713 words)

WSDuffy

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Section 1 is a few posts below. Thank you for the feedback so far:

After her classes were over, Dorothy walked uptown to the Royal Tea House, where she began the six hour shift that would take her to the end of the day. As she had suspected, as the day grew later the wind picked up and clouds rolled in. The Tea House was quiet, the crowd of remote workers and nervous Tinder dates turning to an older clientele unwinding after a show at the Met. The calm broke when an older black man barreled into the door, carrying an old banker’s box seemingly about to explode. He stumbled around the shop until he found a seat, balancing the box on his knees as he looked through its materials due to a lack of available tables. At first, Dorothy felt sorry for the man’s poor luck. If he had arrived forty minutes earlier, the night’s music would still be playing and at least one table would be open. Then she noticed that the man didn’t have any rain gear and reassessed the situation. Elder or no, this man wasn’t unlucky, he was unprepared. And then the thunder cracked, and the rain poured.

Dorothy rang up another customer, but then heard a yelp, turning to see the man lift the heavy box clear over his head to protect from liquid flying from the cup of a woman who had tripped nearby. The steaming hot liquid hit the man square in the face, but he managed, somehow, to refrain from either yelling or dropping his materials. Dorothy grabbed a cup of ice and walked over to the man.

“Are you okay, sir?” She asked.

“Yes ma’am. Thank you so much for checking in.” The man smiled at Dorothy, the only evidence of the incident being a stain on his shirt which somehow seemed appropriate for the faded tweed jacket he was wearing, like something that an actor would wear while playing a college professor, albeit significantly more lived in. The smile struck Dorothy as somehow akin to that of the man whose umbrella she now kept in her locker, the kind of knowing smile that suggested that its wearer really did know something you didn’t, although Dorothy doubted that the man could really know that much given his lack of umbrella.

“Can I get you anything else, sir?” Dorothy asked.

“Unless you can send the rain away, probably not. Admittedly, if you could do that, we’d probably have all sorts of other problems. Thank you anyway, miss.”

Dorothy went to turn away, but as she did so she saw what was in the man’s boxes. Papers and documents in careful, scrolling script on linen paper. Dorothy had only seen something like it once, when she was researching the William Wallace papers at the main branch of the Library for her Sophomore Legal history class. Then, she needed gloves to handle the documents, and she could only view them in a climate and light controlled area. This man had centuries old, irreplaceable documents in a busted cardboard box.

“What are those papers?” She asked.

The man stopped, seemingly lost in thought, and then replied. “Well, I guess it can’t hurt to tell you. These are correspondences and contracts providing proof of a sale of a land parcel and home in Southampton, about 15 years after your Revolutionary War. They were lost, or stolen, or somesuch, but my client is in a dispute over ownership of said land and needed them to prove his claim. I’m not one to brag, but finding them was no small thing. Not that it matters much now. Even walking three blocks, This rain will damage them far too much to be of use.”

Dorothy started doing numbers in her head. She was just a student at John Jay College, but her law and history classes were more than enough for her to see that any case requiring centuries old contracts to settle could be worth millions, particularly if they were Hamptons contracts. Moreover, the papers were a part of history, and they were beautiful. She couldn’t let them be damaged if she could do something about it.

“Sir, if you’re willing to wait until I get off shift, I might be able to help. I actually brought two umbrellas with me to work today.”
 
  1. The story is moving along well in the large
  2. In details I feel the wording could be made tighter (story could move a tad faster, and less words could be used)
  3. There are syntactic and grammatical errors
Is this a first draft? I would suggest going over the writing several times before posting. You write well and I suspect most of the issues will be caught by one or more sweeps of your writing.
 
Section 1 is a few posts below. Thank you for the feedback so far:
I READ THE FIRST PART EARLIER. I LIKE THIS, BUT YOU ARE TRYING TO PUT TOO MUCH TO SOON, AND WITH WAY TOO MANY 'HINTS' ALONG THE WAY, WHICH WEAKENS THE STORY. THERE IS ENOUGH INTRIGUE FROM EARLIER TO REQUIRE THAT APPROACH. ALSO, THE TRAIN MAN WAS 'DARK' - I ASSUME BLACK. AND SO IS THIS GENTLEMAN - WHO COMES ACROSS AS THE SAME TYPE OF PERSONALITY. NOT SURE THAT HELPS THE STORY, WHEN YOU'RE SUGGESTING THE TWO ARE NOT THE SAME. ANYWAY, THE FOLLOWING ARE MY OBSERVATIONS. FWIW.
After her classes were over, Dorothy walked uptown to the Royal Tea House, where she began the six hour shift that would take her to the end of the day. As she had suspected, [we can leave her hidden sixth sense til later, if that's a foreshadowing attempt, plus it's clunky ] She looked out of the window, as the clouds rolled in. The Tea House was quiet, the crowd of remote workers and nervous Tinder dates turning to an older clientele [ no part of me understands this part of the sentence, it's distracting, at best, suggest removal - STOP PRESS - oh, you mean the clientele type was changing from one type(s) of demographic to another? Still, either re word, or remove] unwinding after a show at the Met. The calm broke when an older black man barreled into the door, carrying an old [old too soon after 'older', use another word) banker’s box seemingly about to explode. [who or what - the man or the box?] He stumbled around the shop until he found a seat, balancing the box on his knees as he looked through its materials due to a lack of available tables. At first, Dorothy felt sorry for the man’s poor luck. If he had arrived forty minutes earlier [forty minutes ago, Aliens could have announced the end of mankind. Make it fifteen minutes ago], the night’s music would still be playing and at least one table would be open. Then she noticed that the man didn’t have any rain gear and reassessed the situation. Elder or no, this man wasn’t unlucky, he was unprepared. [ Anyone, even the wisest of us, can be without a brolly during a rainstorm. This is foreshadowing the now obvious outcome (brolly giving}, and the cost is a judgement by one character, who we don't really know, on another character, way too soon, risking reader alienation]. And then the Outside, thunder cracked, and the rain poured down.

Dorothy rang up another customer, but then heard a yelp, turning to see the man lift the heavy box clear over his head to protect from liquid flying from the cup of a woman who had tripped nearby. The steaming hot liquid hit the man square in the face, but he managed, somehow, to refrain from either yelling or dropping his materials. Dorothy grabbed a cup of ice and walked over to the man. You are using a pretty dramatic moment to justify Dorothy's engagement with Old Man. No need, especially as it's so dramatic (hot tea towards the face? Good Lord) She's a waitress / worker. Approaching him and saying 'I'll find a seat for you as soon as I can Sir," is enough.

“Are you okay, sir?” She asked.

“Yes ma’am. Thank you so much for checking in.” [Checking in? Is this another hint at something else? Best not to do that, as it's unnatural, and at this stage, yuo don't want the reader to jump out of the story]The man smiled at Dorothy, the only evidence of the incident being a stain on his shirt which somehow seemed appropriate for the faded tweed jacket he was wearing, like something that an actor would wear while playing a college professor, albeit significantly more lived in. The smile struck Dorothy as somehow akin to that of the man whose umbrella she now kept in her locker, the kind of knowing smile that suggested that its wearer really did know something you didn’t, [From subtle to obvious. Not a good move to link the two so clearly, so soon. We're already intrigued by a potentially exploding em, something.] although Dorothy doubted that the man could really know that much given his lack of umbrella. [Wow, you REALLY don't like unbrella-less folks! Please don't, we're human too, more or less]

“Can I get you anything else, sir?” Dorothy asked.

“Unless you can send the rain away, probably not. Admittedly, if you could do that, we’d probably have all sorts of other problems. [ I'm will to accept this allusion to altering events and the terrible/ risky consequences therein reference (via Brolly-travel), but only just] Thank you anyway, miss.”

Dorothy went to turn away, but as she did so she saw what was in the man’s boxes. Papers and documents in careful, scrolling script on linen paper. Dorothy had only seen something like it once, when she was researching the William Wallace papers at the main branch of the Library for her Sophomore Legal history class. Then, she needed gloves to handle the documents, and she could only view them in a climate and light controlled area. This man had centuries old, irreplaceable documents in a busted cardboard box.

“What are those papers?” She asked. [This isn't credible. Her asking, and especially him answering. Much better she see the documents and realises what they are]

The man stopped, seemingly lost in thought, and then replied. “Well, I guess it can’t hurt to tell you. These are correspondences and contracts providing proof of a sale of a land parcel and home in Southampton, about 15 years after your Revolutionary War. They were lost, or stolen, or somesuch, but my client is in a dispute over ownership of said land and needed them to prove his claim. I’m not one to brag, but finding them was no small thing. Not that it matters much now. Even walking three blocks, This rain will damage them far too much to be of use.” [If only there was some way, or even some thing, to counter the rain...]

Dorothy started doing numbers in her head. She was just a student at John Jay College, but her law and history classes were more than enough for her to see that any case requiring centuries old contracts to settle could be worth millions, particularly if they were Hamptons contracts. Moreover, the papers were a part of history, and they were beautiful. She couldn’t let them be damaged if she could do something about it.

“Sir, if you’re willing to wait until I get off shift, I might be able to help. I actually brought two umbrellas with me to work today.” [Ah, the humble brolly, connector of all weirdness. Might be better if another staff member offers it, accidentally, or he spots it, or anything that doesn't scream WE HAVE BROLLY LINK]
 
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Thank you for the notes. Apologies for the typos. I made a big set of cuts to try to shrink down this section to punch it up, and it made things messier it seems. And Stuart, you are right. Since I cannot post the whole ~10K story here, I can "spoil" the (now obvious) reveal that the two men are in fact the brothers Prometheus and Epimetheus. Since Prometheus isn't going to show up for a long time, I wanted to signpost their connection, and the way that they think and talk differently from humans, more clearly. I can try to pull back on the throttle somewhat.
 
I read both your submissions, back to back.

I liked them. Here's why:

1) Easy and pleasant to read (in part due to the nice mix between sentences of different lengths and complexities)
2) They piqued my interest about what was going on
3) Introduces suspense in very few words

I liked that these two submissions "hit the ground running," while not relying on a murder or some such hackneyed plot device.

If this is the start of a novel, it's excellent for the purpose. I would definitely keep reading it.
 
Thank you so much. Right now, it is the start of a longish short story (I'm not yet good enough at fiction to fill out a novel), but my goal is to be good enough at writing to write a novella-length work by end of year
 
Looks like you've plenty to advice to work with. Great story, but you know that already. I'm just gonna second the:
The calm broke when an older black man barreled into the door, carrying an old banker’s box seemingly about to explode.
description. Explode seems too dramatic and lifted me out of the story -my mind went to thinking about an explosive device, and how it would warn of activation. '...barrelled in clutching an old bankers box' might be enough to do it.

Keep it going (y)
 

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