Start of the story at River Bend

[PadreTX]

This is the first part of the novel I have worked on since joining Chronicles. It is a fantasy novel. In the novel there are the Greek gods, but the setting is not Earth. It is a different planet. The best term I can think of to describe the writing is Olympian fantasy. Please let me know what you think.


* * *


“By the light of the two moons, you are a beauty.” Kassillius admired the blond curls and blue eyes of Aphroti, brightened by the moonlight from Chariot and Equi. This night they showed brightly in the clear night sky.

“So nice of you. Do you say that to all you try to suitor?” Sitting on the bench, her face turned up a little to the soldier beside her. The young man she knew most of her life presented himself that night looking his best, with his dark hair combed in place. Clean shaven with the scent of cinnamon oil, she could tell he hoped to impress her, or more likely arouse her. Add to that he wore his dress uniform of the city army. With the hoplite insignia sewn on his chest, and that of a scout on the upper right arm, she did appreciate the gesture. She also enjoyed the nice dinner they just finished.

A little laugh came from the eighteen-year-old man. “The only one I am interested in suiting is you. Gives the personal touch. Not to mention realistic. Nevertheless, you are a beauty.” Her full-length blue dress fit her nicely, covering her shoulders and arms. How nice it felt they didn’t wear the clothes of their ancestors, that had to be pinned at the shoulders to prevent the garment from falling off. Her wool cloak allowed her to be warm on the late Autumn evening, just as his kept the cold out.

“Well, the dinner was nice.” She gazed at their city River Bend, looking upstream and downstream at the river that flowed from the volcanic mountain to the Trident Sea. “However, I should be going back home instead of paying homage to Dionysius with another glass of wine. One was quite satisfying. Besides, don’t you have to get ready for that trip tomorrow?”

“My task? I don’t have to wake up early for that journey. But if you wish, I shall take you home.” He stood up, offering his right hand to help her up. Smiling, she gently grabbed the edge of it with her right hand as she stood up, then immediately released it.

As they began their journey towards her home, he briefly looked at his classmate of several years. They both finished their academic work at Potomon School a couple years ago. She will soon finish her apprenticeship in tailoring, specializing in wool attire. “You need my cloak for extra warmth?” The air was getting cooler as night set in.

“No, but thank you for offering Kass. I’m fine. Besides, you don’t need to get sick if you have work tomorrow.”

Kassillius left it at that. His wool cloak did keep him warm, however he could tolerate the cooling temperature for a little while. Through the winding streets he escorted her home, noticing the fronts of different homes. All the window shutters on the second floors were closed to keep the cool air out. The walls surrounding the courtyards displayed the decorations of the upcoming Long Night festival.

“Thank you for the dinner Kassillius.” Aphroti turned to look at him as she came to the front of the gate of her home. “I would think you need to go home to prepare for tomorrow.”

The young lady presented a polite way of not showing affection at the end of their time together, he concluded quickly. “There is no rush leaving tomorrow, but nothing wrong with an extended rest tonight. Thank you for the evening Aphroti. May the gods bless you.”

“Safe travels tomorrow Kassillius.” She turned to her gate and allowed herself in.

Walking with a slight brisk pace towards home, he couldn’t resist whispering to himself. “No kiss.” A stranger would have been lost trying to navigate the twisting of the streets of the neighborhood, but he lived there his whole life so he could find his way home even with his eyes closed. It did not take long until he came to the front gate of his home. After opening the lock, he entered the courtyard then came to the front door. Turning the door handle, he pulled on it to open the door. He couldn’t. Barred. His family should have remembered he would be home after his dinner out.

Three knocks on the door came with a response. “Whose here at this time?” Hestira. His mother.

“Me.” He answered calmly. There was no point being upset at being locked out when his family should have expected him home after dinner. It wasn’t the first time this happened. It would most likely not be the last.

“Don’t know why you couldn’t be at your barracks” Hestira stated with irritation as she removed the wooden beam, allowing her oldest son to open the door.

“I live here.” He responded as calmly as he could while closing the door. “I’m not a mercenary from another city. It saves coin for River Bend.”

“Not laying with that Aphroti tonight. Thought so. Told you she was too good for you.”

“I was simply taking her to a meal near the river.”

“Sure.” A slight frown with some squinting of the eyes appeared on Irene’s face. “Your brother may like you to still be here, but you need to soon find a new home. I’ve raised you for eighteen circles of the seasons. You’re a man now, at least supposed to be. The army think you’re so good, they can give you a cot.”

“More chests needed for Sindy’s clothes, and need the extra space?” Kassillius’ tone of his voice showed no concern for his sister’s wardrobe.

Quick as she could for her age, Hestira immediately slapped her oldest son with her right palm. “Don’t talk like that about Synthia! Just go lay down for the night.”Hestira did not realize it, but watching the interaction was her youngest son Olympio, who has seen such interactions before. Kassillius realized it, like before.

“I’m going outside, then to bed.” The eighteen-year-old calmly walked away from his mother and proceeded to go behind the house. After using the outhouse, he went back inside and proceeded to the room he shared with his eight-year-old brother.

Taking off his clothes, he laid down with his head on the pile of hay covered by an old blanket and pulled over him the blanket on his cot. While his parents and sister laid on separate couches at night, Kassillius and Olympio slept on pieces of leather attached to a rectangular frame, raised on legs to keep it off the floor, and away from potential bugs crawling at night.

“Sorry Kass” came the voice of the eight-year-old in the room, soft enough that others won’t hear but his older brother would.

“Hey. Nothing for you to be sorry about. I’m sorry you saw that, Ollie.” The older brother responded in a whisper.

“You leaving tomorrow? For good?”

“No no Ollie. Army gave me a task. I leave in the morning, but I’ll be back in a few days. Don’t worry.”

“Wish I can go with you. Be more fun.” The younger brother’s voice sounded a little dejected.

 

[Brian G Turner]

POV: you're head-hopping, which leaves me confused as to who I'm following. Would definitely recommend you read up on how to use it to the greatest effect.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Fair play @PadreTX . Take the following advice with caution. I'm new to writing and would struggle to get a half decent intro going myself.

I think you're missing a hook. Just something to draw a reader in further. The story reads fine to me, and seems well put together but I was struggling to see where things were going. There's a war or something that needs trained military people going on in the background, but it felt like a romance was the plot. I wasn't sure of that either when the action moved to the protagonists house. I think you'd benefit from firing in some overarching mission (or hint towards one) at this point.

Well done, and good luck

 

[msstice]

1. Though we seem to be mostly following the soldier, the point of view jumps between the characters often. This did not confuse me, but it should be done deliberately. I could just be hyper sensitive to this.
2. The passage read easily enough and it is great that it advances character, world building and a tiny bit of plot, however more of this could be done.
3. There are numerous tense errors.
4. Some of the construction is confusing

Clean shaven with the scent of cinnamon oil, she could tell he hoped to impress her, or more likely arouse her

Confusing construction.

She will soon finish her apprenticeship in tailoring, specializing in wool attire

Tense error

Besides, you don’t need to get sick if you have work tomorrow

Word choice error.

“Don’t know why you couldn’t be at your barracks” Hestira stated with irritation as she removed the wooden beam, allowing her oldest son to open the door.

Example of rapid shift in POV

A slight frown with some squinting of the eyes appeared on Irene’s face

Who is this character?

Great work, keep writing!

 

[PadreTX]

A slight frown with some squinting of the eyes appeared on Irene’s face

Who is this character?


Editing error. Irene was earlier name for his mother, Hestira. Thank you for pointing this out.

 

[WSDuffy]

Thank you for sharing this with us. A few notes, but take the as light suggestions.

1) I agree with AnRoinn about this needing a hook. I didn't really know why I was reading the story, or what I was supposed to care about.

2) The biggest conflict, and therefore, point of interest I see right now is between Kassillius and his mother. There is an opportunity there, but I would work it more. Kassilius is 18, a perfectly normal age to be still living with parents in both the 21st century and (for males) Ancient Greece and Rome. He is also employed and, from what we can tell, both actively courting a desirable match and acting as a good brother. Why is Hestira so angry with him? There is a big gap between her depiction of Kassilius as a ne'er do well and what we see. Maybe some context to explain what expectations are in this world would make this more sensible, because right now she just seems needlessly mean and I don't understand why.

3) The names that are 1-2 letters off of Greek gods were really distracting to me, and I couldn't tell if I was supposed to be looking at analogues for our Christopher, Jessie, etc. or something more meaningful. I think it is meant to function as a shorthand for worldbuilding, but I think for this I would need the world first and the names later.

4) M favorite detail in the piece was the description of the city as being easy to navigate for locals, but impossible for Outsiders. It recalls a specific type and era of city geography.

5) I feel like I didn't actually get to know any of the characters better from our time with them. I know some of their ages, their jobs, and their relative education levels, but in some ways the amount of that relative generic information made the lack of specifics even stronger. The biggest opportunity I see for showing something distinctive is that Aphroti, the woolworking apprentice, doesn't wear wool clothing, which might show a lack of interest in her career.

 

[Bowler1]

PadreTX, how do.

The first good point is that your technical English and grammar is good and I wasn't in search of any missing comma or anything similar, so we're off to a good start.


“By the light of the two moons, you are a beauty.” Kassillius admired the blond curls and blue eyes of Aphroti, brightened by the moonlight from Chariot and Equi. This night they showed brightly in the clear night sky.
A good opening line.

“So nice of you. Do you say that to all you try to suitor?” Sitting on the bench, her face turned up a little to the soldier beside her. The young man she knew most of her life presented himself that night looking his best, with his dark hair combed in place. Clean shaven with the scent of cinnamon oil, she could tell he hoped to impress her, or more likely arouse her. Add to that he wore his dress uniform of the city army. With the hoplite insignia sewn on his chest, and that of a scout on the upper right arm, she did appreciate the gesture. She also enjoyed the nice dinner they just finished.
This is thoughts from the good lady, but we end with the soldier later, so this section of writing is not holding to a strict POV and is head hopping. This is not good for clarity and will confuse a reader, just who is the hero of the section, it's mixed and so is your story telling message.

A little laugh came from the eighteen-year-old man. “The only one I am interested in suiting is you. Gives the personal touch. Not to mention realistic. Nevertheless, you are a beauty.” Her full-length blue dress fit her nicely, covering her shoulders and arms. How nice it felt they didn’t wear the clothes of their ancestors, that had to be pinned at the shoulders to prevent the garment from falling off. Her wool cloak allowed her to be warm on the late Autumn evening, just as his kept the cold out.
A little too long here and drifted a bit for me.

“Well, the dinner was nice.” She gazed at their city River Bend, looking upstream and downstream at the river that flowed from the volcanic mountain to the Trident Sea. “However, I should be going back home instead of paying homage to Dionysius with another glass of wine. One was quite satisfying. Besides, don’t you have to get ready for that trip tomorrow?”
Nice, a little long, but ok.

As they began their journey towards her home, he briefly looked at his classmate of several years. They both finished their academic work at Potomon School a couple years ago. She will soon finish her apprenticeship in tailoring, specializing in wool attire. “You need my cloak for extra warmth?” The air was getting cooler as night set in.
This is the head hop, and is abrupt and confusing. While there are writing rules, there are no rules you need stick to. Shogun (a great book) has a section that head hops up a hill to show Japanese culture at the time and worked very well indeed while breaking every writing rule going. So you can head hop, but I personally don't recommend doing so.

Kassillius left it at that. His wool cloak did keep him warm, however he could tolerate the cooling temperature for a little while. Through the winding streets he escorted her home, noticing the fronts of different homes. All the window shutters on the second floors were closed to keep the cool air out. The walls surrounding the courtyards displayed the decorations of the upcoming Long Night festival.
A good attempt at placement, but broke the date and developing tension between the man and woman, also switched abruptly in the process to description and placement and away from the character dialogue.

The young lady presented a polite way of not showing affection at the end of their time together, he concluded quickly. “There is no rush leaving tomorrow, but nothing wrong with an extended rest tonight. Thank you for the evening Aphroti. May the gods bless you.”
The young lady is now very remote and lacks emotion, which doesn't sit well with the nice romance developing in the opening sections.
From here it is just the guy going home, and nothing much happens. With the date gone home I have no idea why I should read on, so no hook and no promise of a storyline to come. Your also prone to telling in places instead of carrying the reader with you. Your description felt forced in places, but that was mostly due to the sudden shift into description at times while then shifting back to the characters just as quickly. So a lot of what I was reading jarred with me instead of flowing.

The problem is easy that I can see, you have to find your voice and style that works for you and you're not there yet. The solution is just as easy, is to keep grinding it out and trust yourself more when writing. While the solution is easy, it might take a great deal of time to get there. However... I think you have the core writing skills to do so, so keep at it.