Back Cover Blurbing My Book

[ckatt]

So I have a completed draft of my WIP (almost hit my deadline of year's end) and seeing the book blurbs here inspired me to write one of my own for this 120 thousand word monstrosity. I'm sure the novel will change as I revise it, but I thought this would be a good exercise.

This is just a starting point. I know nothing about such blurbs. But I read a few tutorials online and here's my best effort.

Perhaps the last sentence is too long?

Eager to hear if this makes the book sound interesting or tired.

​

In a future where food and clean water are scarce and plastics are plentiful, one young woman, Penn, is sold by her father to appease a new trading partner of their starving village. But Penn is not like other girls, and her husband-to-be sees her copper-red hair as a divine icon that can cement his rule over one of the continent's largest cities. But when her boat sinks, Penn does not arrive as planned. Now to honour her father's pact, she must make her way across a wasteland to the wedding she never wanted, fighting for her life against the forces that seek to control her, all the while plagued by sparking pain in her nerves that is a link to the forgotten Blue Epoch.​

​

Thanks for taking a look

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Penn is not like other girls

I know even less than you but for what it's worth I'd start with the above and go from there -pretty sure the big guns'll roll in to give ya a hand shortly ...and congratulations

 

[JunkMonkey]

Sorry but this makes your protagonist sound like a pathetic victim. She's SOLD by her father? then is 'fighting' her way to get to a forced marriage? This is our heroine? Your book may well have a strong active central character with whom I could identify but the blurb doesn't sell me on the idea of wanting to find out why she is acting like a doormat.

 

[BT Jones]

I agree with @AnRoinnUltra - start with 'Penn is not like other girls'. I would also echo @JunkMonkey's reservations. I, personally, wouldn't want to read a story about what is tantamount to human slavery. It is horrific enough that it exists in real life in parts of Asia in the form of arranged marriages, so I certainly wouldn't seek it as a form of entertainment.

I wouldn't want to imply that there is anything wrong with your premise, nor that you should be changing the characters to reflect the perceived desires on an audience that cannot stomach such a world unless they are watching it being torn down. You have to write the story you want. But based on the blurb alone, the implication that, as @JunkMonkey says, Penn is treated like Human cattle definitely doesn't draw me in.

If this is not the case, and Penn actively fights to other throw this archaic regime, then I would definitely be underlining that far more in the blurb.

 

[Dan Jones]

Well, I have to respectfully but firmly disagree with the earlier posts; clearly Penn's being sold into slavery is a critical facet in the formulation of her character and personality and I think you're right to have it front and centre.

Yes it's horrific and it's a real phenomenon but that is a poor reason not include something in a book. IMO it's fine to bring attention to it. It's apparent, or rather, implicit, that Penn isn't going to just go through life as a victim, so I'd expect some dramatic character growth on her part. I seem to recall a certain Mother of Dragons starting her journey being sold as a slave wife, and she didn't turn out too badly, did she?

As for the last line, it's rather weak. The word "sparking" seems off, and the Blue Epoch is too vague to mean anything. So I'd either add another few words to explain what it is, or omit it.

Overall I thought it sounded good; the worldbuilding is interesting: high dependency upon plastics, yet a tribal, maybe rural social order. Very cool! Keep it up.

 

[msstice]

I disagree with the above characterizations of the protagonist. I think the act of still heading for an arranged marriage and potentially loveless life even though you have been given a massive "out", is a supreme sign of agency and loyalty to your tribe.

As an exercise, flip the gender: This is a boy who is being married off to a woman he's never seen for political gain of his tribe. Something happens and he has a chance to run off and live is own life to the detriment of his tribe. He choses not to and falls on the metaphorical sword. Do you still feel this is a character without agency?

human slavery. It is horrific enough that it exists in real life in parts of Asia in the form of arranged marriages

I would not paint arranged marriages with such a broad brush. Every one of my Indian relatives in my parent's generation had an arranged marriage. The marriages may not have been uniformly happy, but slavery they weren't.

Arranged marriages have existed throughout history especially for political purposes, which seems to be part of the inciting incident for this story.

Now, to the blurb: I have no experience with these, but I did research the difference between blurb, one liner and query. As a blurb (short text to get people to open the book) this seems fine if a bit slow and long.

As others have suggested, start closer to the action and only fill in the minimum backstory for the words to make sense.

 

[JunkMonkey]

I disagree with the above characterizations of the protagonist. I think the act of still heading for an arranged marriage and potentially loveless life even though you have been given a massive "out", is a supreme sign of agency and loyalty to your tribe.

As an exercise, flip the gender: This is a boy who is being married off to a woman he's never seen for political gain of his tribe. Something happens and he has a chance to run off and live is own life to the detriment of his tribe. He choses not to and falls on the metaphorical sword. Do you still feel this is a character without agency?


I would not paint arranged marriages with such a broad brush. Every one of my Indian relatives in my parent's generation had an arranged marriage. The marriages may not have been uniformly happy, but slavery they weren't.

Arranged marriages have existed throughout history especially for political purposes, which seems to be part of the inciting incident for this story.

I think you missed the word 'sold' in the blurb: "one young woman, Penn, is sold by her father to appease a new trading partner of their starving village." Sold. Under duress maybe but sold all the same. If that isn't slavery what is? and sold to someone who only values her for the colour of her hair? That's slavery and fetish sex trafficking. Sorry. Not interested.

And just flipping the gender doesn't work. You would have to flip the power structure and sexual politics of the whole society from the dawn of time rather than just one individual to get any kind of equivalence. And by the time you've done that you're back to where you started from - but with the roles reversed (apart from childbirth) - and that gets you nowhere.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

So I have a completed draft of my WIP (almost hit my deadline of year's end) and seeing the book blurbs here inspired me to write one of my own for this 120 thousand word monstrosity. I'm sure the novel will change as I revise it, but I thought this would be a good exercise.

This is just a starting point. I know nothing about such blurbs. But I read a few tutorials online and here's my best effort.

Perhaps the last sentence is too long?

Eager to hear if this makes the book sound interesting or tired.

​

In a future where food and clean water are scarce and plastics are plentiful, one young woman, Penn, is sold by her father to appease a new trading partner of their starving village. But Penn is not like other girls, and her husband-to-be sees her copper-red hair as a divine icon that can cement his rule over one of the continent's largest cities. But when her boat sinks, Penn does not arrive as planned. Now to honour her father's pact, she must make her way across a wasteland to the wedding she never wanted, fighting for her life against the forces that seek to control her, all the while plagued by sparking pain in her nerves that is a link to the forgotten Blue Epoch.​

​

Thanks for taking a look

Em, I'm not going to chime in as to the suitability or otherwise of the subject matter, as the objective here is to determine if the blurb is workable / engaging etc.
My thoughts are this. It's probably a bit early for this 'exercise'. On the one hand, it's definitely not too much exposition - in fact, it's two ideas a/ girl sold into marriage and b/ girl is special. The first part, I assume is a device exploring the idea of honoring traditions/ one's parents/ one's duty, no matter how unpleasant, which facilitates possible MC growth/ maturation. The second is...redheads are super cool?
Neither idea is enough to bring a Reader on board, imo, so you'll to bring a lot more of interest to the table, if you want someone to bite ( yup, pun intended).

 

[ckatt]

Thanks to you all for trying to help me out. I know I need to work on this and figured I'd get my feet wet and see what happens even if I slip.

an audience that cannot stomach such a world unless they are watching it being torn down

She doesn't tear the world down. She spends most of the book fighting for control over her own life which ultimately she does win. Though a big chunk of the world does tear itself apart because of her actions.

@JunkMonkey Obviously, the word sold created an issue for you so I should probably ditch it. I'm not sure about the sexual fetish part. I wrote that he wants her because it will cement his rule over the city. If I've inadvertently implied something else then I see the need for a rewrite. I don’t really know how much detail I'm meant to include in these things or how long they can be, so many details are omitted. Within the cultures in the book is a religion that worships the goddess of electricity. Idols to this goddess are always made from copper and so Penn is seen as divine.

I think the act of still heading for an arranged marriage and potentially loveless life even though you have been given a massive "out", is a supreme sign of agency and loyalty to your tribe.

Yes, this is what I was going for. She constantly wants to turn back but knows that it will doom her people. Although once she learns what he really wants she does try to flee but ultimately kills him to defend the people she cares about.

 

[JunkMonkey]

Then make her dilemma the selling point.

In a world where [Name], the godess of electricity, is venerated above all others, Penn, a copper-haired peasant girl is forced into a loveless marriage with an ambitious prince. When fate intervenes before her wedding day she has the chance to decide her destiny. Bow to the will of her tyrant spouse or turn away from him and doom her people...

 

[HareBrain]

In a future where food and clean water are scarce and plastics are plentiful, one young woman, Penn, is sold by her father to appease a new trading partner of their starving village. But Penn is not like other girls, and her husband-to-be sees her copper-red hair as a divine icon that can cement his rule over one of the continent's largest cities. But when her boat sinks, Penn does not arrive as planned. Now to honour her father's pact, she must make her way across a wasteland to the wedding she never wanted, fighting for her life against the forces that seek to control her, all the while plagued by sparking pain in her nerves that is a link to the forgotten Blue Epoch.

This sounds like it has potential, but yes, I think you have to make the dilemma the crux of the blurb; as it stands you've only implied it, as the threat isn't even mentioned. I would also lose the mention of the pain and the Blue Epoch at the end, which feel an afterthought and less important than the human story already indicated. I think a blurb ought to end on the element that suggests the greatest drama.

A minor point: beware of having two sentences beginning "but", especially consecutive ones.

And a major one: whatever you end up with, make sure it doesn't misrepresent the story. It's quite easy when writing a blurb to let it get away from the story itself in an effort to make it more grabbing. But giving readers false expectations isn't a good long-term strategy.

 

[ckatt]

@HareBrain. Thanks for the constructive input. Good point about the dilemma.
At this point, I don't think it represents the whole of the novel as well as I'd like. It's focused more on the first half. Figuring out how to cram it all in is one of my goals with this.

 

[msstice]

Figuring out how to cram it all in is one of my goals with this.

(Unpublished writer here). What I have gleaned from "teh internet" is that for a blurb or one liner we should portray one compelling aspect of the story. I would say you already have too much. Focusing on the key conflict and inciting incident should be enough, if it correctly portrays the tone and genre of the book.

 

[sule]

I'm going to try to best represent what I was thinking as I read this blurb. My thoughts in brackets and red:

"In a future where food and clean water are scarce and plastics are plentiful, one young woman, Penn, is sold by her father to appease a new trading partner of their starving village [For me the two clauses of this sentence don't go together. Specifically, the fact that plastics are plentiful appears to have nothing to do with Penn being sold into marriage]. But Penn is not like other girls [I personally don't like the cliche of "she's not like other girls;" you can just say what's special about her and cut that clause without losing anything], and her husband-to-be sees her copper-red hair as a divine icon that can cement his rule over one of the continent's largest cities [Can we get a little more detail on this?]. But when her boat sinks, Penn does not arrive as planned. Now to honour her father's pact, she must make her way across a wasteland to the wedding she never wanted [Without having actually seen the story, I can't really comment on character motivation, but personally, I think "to honor her father's pact" should instead be "to preserve the pact that will save the lives of everyone in her village" since earlier you said the wedding is to help her starving village and "honor her father's pact" doesn't read--to me--as that strong of a motivation], fighting for her life against the forces that seek to control her, all the while plagued by sparking pain in her nerves that is a link to the forgotten Blue Epoch [So I like that the Blue Epoch is a mysterious name drop, but it feels like a weird place to end mainly because it wasn't really alluded to and so I don't really get what its implications are. Personally, I think "fighting for her life against the forces that seek to control her" is a much stronger sounding end. If it were up to me I would switch them around]."

I hope I've given feedback that can help you. Good work, keep writing.

 

[ckatt]

Don’t think I've hit the mark yet, but here's another try coming at it from a different angle.

In a future where food and clean water are scarce and plastics are plentiful, Penn dreams of a simple life studying tronic-lore and building batteries as her clansfolk have for generations. But when her village's long-time trading partner disappears, her father is forced to broker a new deal, one where she is a prime bargaining chip. Will she survive a harrowing journey across the caustic sea and over a wasteland fraught with faithless scavengers and mysterious tribes? Why does the man she is forced to marry covet her copper-red hair and what ancient secret connects it to the goddess Trisity and the technology of the last epoch?​

One aspect I'm struggling with is that the first half of the blurb is about her village. That's where the story starts but does not stay there and it is the people she meets along her journey that matter more to her and the story. But the events that happen at home are imported and cause her to question her beliefs as her worldview is constantly tested by the things she encounters in the larger world, unsheltered by her clan's traditions.

Should I cut the long first phrase and just start with the character name?

Is jargon a problem? I hoped that "tronic-lore" would be self-explanatory but if it's not let me know.

 

[Wayne Mack]

One of the challenge in a blurb is to reduce a novel to a single, interesting hook for a reader. Consider dropping a lot of the miscellaneous details (the details may be important to the novel, but they are not important for a concise blurb). Unless a detail is going to be fully explored in the blurb, omit. Some areas that caused me confusion in the latest version of the blurb was the statement that this is a future (presumably Earth, since no other indication is given), which would lead me to expect a science fiction type tale, yet battery making is a major occupation and there seem to be no modern forms of transportation nor communication. Penn is being sold, so is this a dystopian 'Handmaiden's Tale' type story? But then at the end the it appears that this may be more of a fantasy involving some form of magic.

I suggest looking at the paragraph following the blurb for an inspiration of what to write. I felt a better understanding from it than from the blurb it self.

One aspect I'm struggling with is that the first half of the blurb is about her village. That's where the story starts but does not stay there and it is the people she meets along her journey that matter more to her and the story. But the events that happen at home are imported and cause her to question her beliefs as her worldview is constantly tested by the things she encounters in the larger world, unsheltered by her clan's traditions.

 

[Parson]

Last question first: "tronic-lore" was a bit of a head scratcher until "building batteries" was added. -- But is that too much detail? Isn't it better to say something like "Penn dreams of a simple life like the people of her village have known for ages."?

I like this sentence without the but: When her village's long-time trading partner disappears, her village is devastated and her father is forced to broker a new deal, one where she is a prime bargaining chip."

I am not fond of the questions at the end of your blurb. As a reader, I would like a blurb to say a few cogent facts about the book so that I can get a feel for the world. The cogent questions I can easily discern as the story works its magic. I'd prefer something along the line of: Soon Penn, finds herself shipwrecked and free to make her own choices for the first time. But now she must choose whether to do what she feels is best for her or what she feels is best for her people.

At least these are my thoughts. I'm sure you can write better sentences than I can. I hope these thoughts are helpful.

 

[ckatt]

I suggest looking at the paragraph following the blurb for an inspiration of what to write. I felt a better understanding from it than from the blurb it self.

Ha! I kind of had the same thought after I wrote that.

 

[WSDuffy]

I think you got a lot of good advice here. I will follow with my two cents, which may not be as helpful

1) I can tell from the blurb that you know where the story is going, which is a good thing

2) I'm not really sure what sort of story I am in for, although I am expecting a bit of darkness. It could be a travel adventure or political allegory, low magic or high magic, and written from the middle grade to college level. There are also details (like the sparking) that I know are meaningful from outside discussions, but can't tell here.
3) "Zenn isn't like other girls" is a bit cliched for my taste.

4) I think that the blurb would hit harder with some shorter sentences and foregrounding of the distinctive elements (magic, wasteland journey), and maybe a reframing of the wedding issue to emphasize the main character's agency.

 

[M.P. VandenBerg]

This is an intriguing premise, and putting your character through hell and showing the darker aspects of humankind is a stable of the genre. Penn is a great name, and there is an impression of good worldbuilding. I have some critiques of course.

1) Careful with lines like 'She's not like other girls. It's cliche even if it is true. I want to hear just a tiny phrase explaining why she's different, use it to create curiosity about the character.

2) Keep in mind a young female protag. might push you into the realm of 'Young Adult'. Not always, just something to keep in mind. Nothing wrong with YA at all, just letting you know in case you didn't already.

3) You need to sell your genre better in terms of setting. I can tell we are in for a major character arc, but people want to know the subgenres from the blurb. Are we going to space at all? are there magic systems? what kind of technology do were have? I can tell it's dystopian, and the religious aspect is cool, I just want to know what I'm in for.

4) This is a bit subjective; BUT, starting sentences with 'But' is almost entirely unnecessary. Remember your readers are nerds, and we are good at picking up on subtext. They aren't grammatically wrong but can feel tiring to your reader. (I am totally guilty of this as well)

5) Don't give away plot elements in your blurb; we don't need to know about the boat sinking, build up to it and make it unexpected.

I like this premise, don't change it too much. Haters of dark dystopia be damned.