Mother Ship 2.0

[Guttersnipe]

Here is my second draft of my most recent story.


On the bioship Veronica, Brian stared sleeplessly at the wall-screen. It was almost time to leave not just the vessel itself, but the life within it that he had come to love. To his siblings, Veronica may have only been an artificially sentient ship, undertaking the role of a distant caretaker, but to Brian, she was a caring figure in a void that knew no humanity.

The message beeped. Brian got out of bed shakily and wiped the cold sweat from his brow. The dreaded day had finally come.

"Veronica," he said, "play Mozart." The red light from the ceiling switched on.

"What is the password?" asked Veronica in her artificially sweet voice. Brian smiled weakly.

"Please," he said, and the music started.

How could anyone deny that humanity? he wondered. Could a machine alone respond to a human's need for reassurance, love, pity, or, as was the case, humor?

"Veronica, terminate the audio," he said. She obliged him.

"Are you feeling alright, dear?" she asked, perhaps only superficially concerned. Brian briefly reflected.

"Yes," he lied. There was a moment's hesitation before she spoke again.

"Good. Please join your brother and sister in the garden."

He took the hoverpod down to the opposite wing. In the garden stood his brother, Ralph, and his sister, Alexis. They both beamed at him.

"Big day," said Ralph, lightly hitting Brian's shoulder.

"That's an understatement," said Alexis, "We're going to a place even more beautiful than this."

Brian looked around him. Was it just him, or had the flora lost its luster?

Alexis was still talking.

"--but she's just a clever machine. Now we can develop real relationships with real people."

"She's more than that," Brian snapped, "She raised us. Nurtured us."

"She was programmed to do those things," Ralph moaned in exasperation.

"And how are we programmed?" said Brian, his anger building, "Our exact DNA has been floating around here for years, yet we still love each other."

Ralph looked down, slowly shaking his head. Brian looked up and was startled to see that the red light in the ceiling was on. Had Veronica been eavesdropping?

Promptly, she spoke.

"Greetings, young masters. As you may have noticed, you have each now reached your twenty-first year of development. This means you shall be sent to the closest terradome to multiply and found a society. This is what you've trained for. You may leave now. Godspeed."

Then the light was gone.

Cold. Clinical. Had Veronica's earlier playfulness and warmth been a façade? Were his siblings stating facts rather than expressing opinions?

Quietly, Brian began to cry. Ralph and Alexis rushed to his sides, embracing him.

"It's time to go, Brian," Alexis said quietly. Slowly, they left the garden, and slowly, Brian followed. They climbed into their spacepod. Controls set, they left Veronica, perhaps only physically.

Meanwhile, three new clones were released from their artificial wombs. Veronica named them: Elliot, Mary, and Brian. She did so in a wavering, wounded voice, as the spacepod outside twinkled and then was gone.

 

[Guttersnipe]

@alexvss @Wayne Mack @AnRoinnUltra @Omits @msstice @ckatt @worldofmutes @M.P. VandenBerg

 

[alexvss]

Now I'm able to understand the message. The conflict is clearer.

The only things that caught my eye were the dialogue tags. You used some unusual and weird ones like 'said quietly' and 'moaned in exasperation'. I believe that works against your story because dialogue tags shouldn't draw attention. It's better that they're 'invisible', so to speak.

Also, you described a lot of emotion in the tags. I think that what the character says should already convey the imagery to the reader (if it doesn't, then the dialogue tags are being used as crutches). For instance, instead of writing "he yelled angrily" you could just use an exclamation mark.

[How could anyone deny that humanity?] I don't understand this sentence though. Is this written correctly?

 

[M.P. VandenBerg]

This is a great improvement. Although I did like some of the aspects of the prior draft, this is far easier to follow. The introspective additions and thoughts of the MC provide a lot of subtext.

"Please," he said, and the music started.

I love this. The first paragraph sets this up so nicely. made me smile.

How could anyone deny that humanity? he wondered. Could a machine alone respond to a human's need for reassurance, love, pity, or, as was the case, humor?

Completely optional, but this line could be cut as this is implied.

I could nit-pick grammar things, like paragraphs and comma stuff, but I'm sure that will get polished.

I really don't have a lot of notes for this one. Very tightly written. Don't be afraid to include a more extended dialogue section with the siblings, you have enough interest here (IMO).

 

[Guttersnipe]

@alexvss Yes, that sentence was intentionally written in that order. Is there a better way to write it or should it be dropped? Lmk. I appreciate your help--spot on about the dialogue tags, though. I didn't really notice it too much.

 

[msstice]

On the bioship Veronica

Very trivial, but I read this as "bishop". Maybe use "bio-ship" or just ship.

To his siblings, Veronica may have only been an artificially sentient ship, undertaking the role of a distant caretaker, but to Brian, she was a caring figure in a void that knew no humanity.

This is much weaker than the powerful showing you do later on. Removing it would make the story more powerful.

"She's more than that," Brian snapped, "She raised us. Nurtured us."

This and the rest of the dialog are beautiful and show us how Brian thinks of Veronica

Our exact DNA has been floating around here for years, yet we still love each other.

This I did not understand.

Meanwhile, three new clones were released from their artificial wombs. Veronica named them: Elliot, Mary, and Brian. She did so in a wavering, wounded voice, as the spacepod outside twinkled and then was gone.

This is powerful, but I did wonder why she would speak when no one is there. It might anthropomorphize her more, but it bothered me a little bit.

Very nicely done, works for me as a short story.

 

[Guttersnipe]

@msstice The DNA bit was meant as a reference to the fact that Brian and friends are just a one set of clones that go far back in time.

 

[Wayne Mack]

One thing to consider might be the paragraph formatting. I feel that if each paragraph only concerns one character and all of the character's actions and speech are in that paragraph, it presents a nice A-B-A-B flow to the reader. I see several instances where one character speaks and the other character acts in a single paragraph and then the roles reversed in the next. I know that sounds vague, so here is my attempt to doing a simple reformatting of an early section.

The message beeped. Brian got out of bed shakily and wiped the cold sweat from his brow. The dreaded day had finally come. "Veronica," he said, "play Mozart."

The red light from the ceiling switched on. "What is the password?" asked Veronica in her artificially sweet voice.

Brian smiled weakly. "Please," he said,

and the music started.

(Sorry about the breaks. It seems the editing software does that whenever I insert a new line.)

It's just my ear, but I feel this reads more smoothly and would also allow removing all the dialog tags (underlined in the above). This may be a personal style issue, but i sorta believe that this helps with the flow of the story and, by removing the need for a lot of tags, helps with the pacing. But, you've gotta follow your own ear. I hope this at least gives you some ideas.

 

[Bowler1]

I wasn't around for the first version so you get the Bowler1 special on this one.

On the bioship Veronica, Brian stared sleeplessly at the wall-screen. It was almost time to leave not just the vessel itself, but the life within it that he had come to love. To his siblings, Veronica may have only been an artificially sentient ship, undertaking the role of a distant caretaker, but to Brian, she was a caring figure in a void that knew no humanity.
As an introduction is was a little passive, but otherwise ok.

The message beeped. Brian got out of bed shakily and wiped the cold sweat from his brow. The dreaded day had finally come.
You are showing character distress, but as the reader, I have no idea why. You have gone too early with emotions for me, set the scene first and then move to character emotion.

"Veronica," he said, "play Mozart." The red light from the ceiling switched on.
"What is the password?" asked Veronica in her artificially sweet voice.
Brian smiled weakly - new line as it is a separate character action.
Should be with the line above - "Please," he said, and the music started.
How could anyone deny that humanity? he wondered. Could a machine alone respond to a human's need for reassurance, love, pity, or, as was the case, humor? - more telling for me instead of showing.
"Veronica, terminate the audio," he said.
Separate I'd say - She obliged him. Is a machine a she? A problem I had to deal with by using "it" until my machine passed a certain point and was then "he".

"Are you feeling alright, dear?" she asked, perhaps only superficially concerned.
Brian briefly reflected - mixing characters again, and should be with the sentence following. "Yes," he lied. There was a moment's hesitation before she spoke again.

"Good. Please join your brother and sister in the garden."

He took the hoverpod down to the opposite wing. What wing, as character placement has never been given In the garden stood his brother, Ralph, and his sister, Alexis. They both beamed at him.

"Big day," said Ralph, lightly hitting Brian's shoulder.

"That's an understatement," said Alexis, "We're (no full stop, lower case) going to a place even more beautiful than this."

Brian looked around him. Was it just him, or had the flora lost its luster?

Alexis was still talking.
"--but she's just a clever machine. Now we can develop real relationships with real people."
"She's more than that," Brian snapped, "She raised us. Nurtured us."
"She was programmed to do those things," Ralph moaned in exasperation - would he really, moan out load after talking? For me this is telling again.
"And how are we programmed?" askedsaid Brian, his anger building, "Our exact DNA has been floating around here for years, yet we still love each other."
Alph looked down, slowly shaking his head. - is trying to show emotion, but needs to be less direct, with a little more flare.
New character - Brian looked up and was startled to see that the red light in the ceiling was on. Had Veronica been eavesdropping?

Promptly, she spoke. "Greetings, young masters. As you may have noticed, you have each now reached your twenty-first year of development. This means you shall be sent to the closest terradome to multiply and found a society. This is what you've trained for. You may leave now. Godspeed." - Is a long section of dialogue with no reaction from our main character.

Then the light was gone.
Cold. Clinical. Had Veronica's earlier playfulness and warmth been a façade? Were his siblings stating facts rather than expressing opinions?
Quietly, Brian began to cry. Ralph and Alexis rushed to his sides, embracing him.
"It's time to go, Brian," Alexis said quietly. Slowly, they left the garden, and slowly, Brian followed. They climbed into their spacepod. Controls set, they left Veronica, perhaps only physically - not needed I'd say.

Meanwhile, three new clones were released from their artificial wombs. Veronica named them: Elliot, Mary, and Brian. She did so in a wavering would a machine waver?, wounded voice, as the spacepod outside twinkled and then was gone.

Ok, the idea is interesting but your holding back for me. Your writing gave hardly any placement and does not hook into your characters feelings. Both of these set the stage for what follows, but you skipped over these. It does not need much more, but what does Brian see, what are his thoughts etc. When you share these you also share your imagination as a writer with the reader, and the lack of detail while attempting to have dialogue carry the whole storyline is very one dimensional and with no depth for me. You failed to introduce me into Brian's world, the air he breaths and what he sees, and without this additional description I have no placement. I think you're trying too hard to keep your writing tight and to the point, but it's too abrupt for me and misses opportunities to engage with your world. Trust yourself more, relax and show more of what your thinking and your imagination... let us see more of who Guttersnipe is please.

New character, new line.
Comma is followed by lower case, a full stop is followed by a capital letter - so some polishing on grammar needed - focus on editing, as I think you know what you're doing.

In the end I felt that I didn't get to see what you can really do. I felt you held back and didn't express yourself on the page. We read to enter a new world, one that only you the writer can create and when you hold back there is no depth to your world or depth for the reader you want to engage. Trust yourself more I say, express yourself more and with more sharing on SFF Chrons you will find your voice. You have to experiment and explore and find what suits you and any reader you hope to meet. This place, SFF Chrons, is at least a safe place for you to learn and grow.

Ok, later and I look forward to seeing how you go.

 

[Omits]

The use of 'dear' seems out of place. Is the AI taking the role of an elderly aunt say. What does the OP think?

 

[Guttersnipe]

The use of 'dear' seems out of place. Is the AI taking the role of an elderly aunt say. What does the OP think?

I guess "dear" sounds a bit patronizing.