Blurb check

[Mon0Zer0]

Blurbs are difficult, right?! I don't know how you find them, but I always struggle with them.

MMF is a part prose and part graphic novel series that I've been writing with artist Simeon for 10 years now, based on characters and ideas he created. We finished a Kickstarter in October and one of the rewards is a box set of the first three books.

The series has been described as "Game of Thrones meets Bladerunner" - an epithet that's not truly deserved but which gives you an idea of the tone of the series.

I'm trying to keep the blurb to around 50-60 words for space considerations (and, eventually for Amazon). I'm hoping to pique a reader's interest and make them want to pick up the books. I don't want to give away too much plot, but give a flavour of what they're going to get.

How does it read to you?

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METAL MADE FLESH

WELCOME TO TUAONI: A city of murderers, thieves, hustlers, cyborgs and street gangs. Humanity’s last refuge.

Here, under the neon skies, Izobel Vice, Phaeon Nex and Kalibos will do anything to survive. But, shadowy forces have other plans as the trio find themselves embroiled in a battle for power that threatens humanity, itself.

SURVIVAL IS EVERYTHING

 

[HareBrain]

It's OK, but feels a bit generic. Is there any unusual USP detail you can bring in, something to tell it apart?

(BTW, I would lose the comma after "But" and definitely after "humanity".)

 

[Valtharius]

It's OK, but feels a bit generic. Is there any unusual USP detail you can bring in, something to tell it apart?

(BTW, I would lose the comma after "But" and definitely after "humanity".)

I second all this and would suggest deleting "WELCOME TO" and "hustlers" just to make the prose snappier.

 

[Mon0Zer0]

It's OK, but feels a bit generic. Is there any unusual USP detail you can bring in, something to tell it apart?

The short answer is yes, but difficult to boil down into the word count. The first book comprised three short stories that set up the main characters, with subsequent books slowly interweaving their narratives until a larger unifying story emerges.

The blurbs for book 2 and 3 are below, which (hopefully?) have a bit more flavour:

Metal Made Flesh: Blood & Oil

Izobel Vice, Queen B*tch of Tuaoni. More metal than meat, her cyborg body is the ultimate weapon.

Each kill brings coin enough to feed her upgrade habit. But, no matter how specced out she gets, the bleeding edge is always one step ahead. And, on Tuaoni, where survival is everything, obsolescence means death.

Metal Made Flesh: Vengeance

They robbed you of your body; your mind stranded in a replicant child. You long to unsheathe your katana and run the neon streets red with the blood of your betrayers. But first you need to find out who they are. Don’t stop reading until vengeance is yours!

 

[HareBrain]

The short answer is yes, but difficult to boil down into the word count.

I think it would be worth trying, as the blurbs for 2&3 are more enticing (though I have comments about them too, if you're interested).

 

[Mon0Zer0]

though I have comments about them too, if you're interested).

Please do - all comments welcomed!

How about this - any better? text in red is a possible spoiler. Really having trouble hitting the end sections!

METAL MADE FLESH

Chased to the brink of extinction, humanity’s last remnants are refugees in a vast, indifferent sprawl: Tuaoni. Here, under the neon skies, cyborg assassin Izobel Vice, psychopath Phaeon Nex and mutant war-machine Kalibos will do anything to survive.

But shadowy forces have them in their sights; unwitting players in a battle for the planet's unimaginable power. They must choose their allies wisely as betrayal could cost humanity its very existence.

SURVIVAL IS EVERYTHING

 

[Valtharius]

METAL MADE FLESH

Chased to the brink of extinction, humanity’s last remnants are refugees in a vast, indifferent sprawl: Tuaoni. Here, under the neon skies, cyborg assassin Izobel Vice, psychopath Phaeon Nex and mutant war-machine Kalibos will do anything to survive.

But shadowy forces have them in their sights; unwitting players in a battle for the planet's unimaginable power. They must choose their allies wisely as betrayal could cost humanity its very existence.

SURVIVAL IS EVERYTHING

I like this a lot better.

 

[HareBrain]

Please do - all comments welcomed!

Metal Made Flesh: Blood & Oil

Izobel Vice, Queen B*tch of Tuaoni. More metal than meat, her cyborg body is the ultimate weapon.

Each kill brings coin enough to feed her upgrade habit. But, no matter how specced out she gets, the bleeding edge is always one step ahead. And, on Tuaoni, where survival is everything, obsolescence means death.

No comment on this -- it's good -- except lose the comma after "And". A good general rule is to put commas only where you would insert a slight pause when reading it aloud. If in doubt, leave it out. (Exception: where they act in pairs like parentheses, you always need both, e.g. around "where survival is everything".)

Metal Made Flesh: Vengeance

They robbed you of your body; your mind stranded in a replicant child. You long to unsheathe your katana and run the neon streets red with the blood of your betrayers. But first you need to find out who they are. Don’t stop reading until vengeance is yours!

The use of second person is intriguing, but it suggests the way of telling the story is different from the previous volumes. Is that right?

I wouldn't use semicolons in this kind of thing. I also think it would be clearer if you had "They robbed you of your body, leaving your mind stranded" etc. And I wouldn't italicise "they". We would in any case assume "they" refers to "your betrayers". By italicising it, you almost make it feel as if it refers to something else (some shadowy background entity). If it does refer to something else, that's too unclear.

Right, onto the new one:

How about this - any better? text in red is a possible spoiler. Really having trouble hitting the end sections!

METAL MADE FLESH

Chased to the brink of extinction, humanity’s last remnants are refugees in a vast, indifferent sprawl: Tuaoni. Here, under the neon skies, cyborg assassin Izobel Vice, psychopath Phaeon Nex and mutant war-machine Kalibos will do anything to survive.

But shadowy forces have them in their sights; unwitting players in a battle for the planet's unimaginable power. They must choose their allies wisely as betrayal could cost humanity its very existence.

SURVIVAL IS EVERYTHING

It's better. The red thing might be a spoiler, but for me it's the hook (shades of Final Fantasy 7 maybe). Apart from the names and character descriptions, the rest still feels a bit disposable. What might interest me more is some hint of what humanity's last remnants are being "chased" by, and why Tuaoni is "indifferent" (is it made by a race other than humans and they're just hiding there?)

Maybe a little on how they become unwitting players?

Another thing: characters who will do "anything to survive" feel as if they'll never have to make difficult decisions, just take whichever route gives the greatest chance of survival. In which case they're all psychopaths (which might be the case, I guess). I know it's not easy in so limited a space, but maybe hint at something more complex?

Having said all that, I wouldn't want you to tailor this blurb purely to my tastes, so just use what resonates with you.

 

[WSDuffy]

I also greatly prefer the second version, particularly the first paragraph. The character descriptions give me a clearer vision of who I'm supposed to be rooting for and more of the language seems connected to your specific place. I would like to see a bit more clarity in the second paragraph. Grammatically, it seems like the shadowy forces, as opposed to the characters, are the unwitting players, and the general presence of "shadowy forces" adds a generic note in an otherwise unique space. I think if you jumped write into the characters being unwitting players and the impact of their choices that might keep the energy of paragraph one. Still, tremendous updates from section one to section two.

 

[Rob Arnold]

Please do - all comments welcomed!

How about this - any better? text in red is a possible spoiler. Really having trouble hitting the end sections!

METAL MADE FLESH

Chased to the brink of extinction, humanity’s last remnants are refugees in a vast, indifferent sprawl: Tuaoni. Here, under the neon skies, cyborg assassin Izobel Vice, psychopath Phaeon Nex and mutant war-machine Kalibos will do anything to survive.

But shadowy forces have them in their sights; unwitting players in a battle for the planet's unimaginable power. They must choose their allies wisely as betrayal could cost humanity its very existence.

SURVIVAL IS EVERYTHING

This is much better than the first one. I don't think "planet's unimaginable power" is a spoiler at all. It's a hook. It makes me ask "what power?" How can a planet have a power?

I think the first blurb was too generic. Honestly that first one would have made me just put the book back on the shelf, unless the art was really something special

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Hi, - I'm picky - forgive.

Please do - all comments welcomed!

How about this - any better? text in red is a possible spoiler. Really having trouble hitting the end sections!

METAL MADE FLESH

As a Reader - so many questions - Murcury? was the first - Then what the...

Chased to the brink of extinction, humanity’s last remnants are refugees in a vast, indifferent sprawl: Tuaoni. Here, under the neon skies, cyborg assassin Izobel Vice, psychopath Phaeon Nex and mutant war-machine Kalibos will do anything to survive.

Now I liked that. However, "neon skies" maybe a bit weird. The picky in me wonders what would grow in a land robbed of ultraviolet and blue light. IF, it's a temporary phenomena, why mention it, but otherwise...
Unless you're talking a "sin city" type of neon, but then if you are, it needs a proper mention.

But shadowy forces have them in their sights; unwitting players

pawns or pieces maybe - since they are being played

in a battle for the planet's unimaginable power. They must choose their allies

Choose their allies - Apart from the obvious - Isn't that always the case, I thought we had established these three are the alllies. Now I get they are initially not allies (from subsequent posts) but at this stage we don't know that they will be allies so I don't think they should be grouped together in the first blurb. I.E. separate blurbs until they act together. Which means that Tuaoni needs it's own blurb too IMO

Tuaoni, a vast sprawl of filth ald ... kind of thing

wisely as betrayal could cost humanity its very existence.

The old "very existance" line

How about something like:-

or humans are finished

SURVIVAL IS EVERYTHING

Survival - again and in the old is everything line. Plus if they are the only hope of the human race then yes, survival would be nice, but sometimes death is a considered option. Also it robs the reader of the potential plot line where they don't survive - which may be the case.


Hope I helped

Tein