Epic Fantasy Revised opening chapter 740 words

[Stuart Suffel]

So, I'm thinking of going with this as a short first chapter. Then chap 2 will be the Baddie's plans to attack the castle revealed, while commenting on the Elven messenger's warning of said attack. The chap 3 will be in the king's chambers with Melissa (Elven), during which the Attack itself will occur. Chap 4 will then be the original chap 1, but different. Howzatt?
Questions. 1/ Is my mention of the Keep correct physically / location wise, and is it capitalised correctly? 2/ Is everything that's happening clear (especially the roof scene at the beginning). 3/ Do you stop reading at any point before the end, and if so, why? 4/ Is there enough info in this for a reader to be interested enough in the characters, to wait for chap 3?
(Original chapter 1 is in a different thread)



Chapter 1

The giant swung his wooden sword in a circular motion with his right hand, then tossed it into the air. It cartwheeled backwards for a bit, then plummeted down towards him. He caught the hurtling sword with a deft movement of his left hand. He grinned and gave a brief bow.

“Groddan! This is serious!” Celia’s shout carried across the flat rooftop. Groddan’s smile vanished. He put on a more sombre face.

“Stand right back to the edge again,” Celia instructed. “And be more careful this time!”.

The giant retreated to the small wall which ran along the perimeter of the palace dining-hall roof, mindful not to stumble backwards over it, as he had done earlier.

“You ready?” asked Celia.

The giant nodded.

Celia rushed towards him with her spear. Halfway across the roof she threw the spear but kept running. The giant flicked the spear away and readied himself for Celia’s onslaught. The half-Elfin dived to the ground, scrunching her lithe frame into a ball, and rolled forward seven or eight feet, then leapt up onto the giant’s shoulder, landing feet first. She drew her dagger from her waistband and held it to Groddan’s neck.

“You’re dead, monster!”

Groddan offered a faint smile in response. Celia put her dagger away and flopped down on the giant’s shoulder. “What is wrong with you today?”

The giant shrugged, nearly throwing Celia off balance. He reached up a hand to steady her, but his body stiffened. He stared out across the landscape. Celia followed his sightline. In the distance a ball of dust arrowed towards the Palace of Rosserral.

“A messenger!” Celia exclaimed. “Groddan, help me down, please.” The giant did as requested. “Come,” Celia said, “no doubt another proposal of marriage from Lord Haffen for my dear sister. Ha! I wonder how she will justify rejecting this one!”

But the giant did not move. He continued to stare into the distance. Celia looked at Groddan, then out to where he was staring. Another ball of dust followed the first. The second was bigger and moved almost as fast.

Celia focused her attention on the first dust ball. It was just one horse and rider, but there was something unusual about the horseman. His colours. They were not Lord Haffen’s colours. She frowned in concentration. Neither were they the colours of her sister’s other suitors, Lord Horrag nor Lord Esserald. It took another moment. “Elven.”

Celia ran towards the rooftop stairs, descending them three at a time. The giant followed after her. Reaching the end, she dashed across the front courtyard to the nearest Watch. The post was empty. She whirled around to see Captain Tzeffan exiting the main Keep.

“Captain! A rider approaches. From the Elven!”

Captain Tzeffan gave a brief bow. “I am aware of that, Princess Celia. I have informed your father thus.”

“The Watch is empty?”

“We are not at war, princess.”

“That is not what I meant. How do you know of the Elven messenger's arrival?” Celia snapped.

Tzeffan's lips flattened into a tight line. “With all due respect, princess, it is my business to know these things.”

“Sister!” Celia looked up to see Princess Jasmine standing on the Keep’s balcony. “Leave such matters to our good captain, and his men. They have our full confidence.” Celia’s body tensed, but before she could respond Jasmine spoke again. “Father wishes to see us in his ante-room. Straight away.” She turned on her heels and disappeared back into the Keep.

Celia took in a short breath. She glanced at Captain Tzeffan, who nodded curtly, then moved off. She looked back up at the empty balcony. A noise caused her to turn her head. Near the castle gates, the giant was tearing off wooden stakes in two and threes, from a disused storehouse, as a child might gather daisies stalks. He then walked over to the Saldan’s stable, and with clenched fist, began to punch the stakes into the ground, blocking the stable’s open entrance.

The Saldan – a griffin who could not fly, poked its head outside the stable window and nodded, as if giving approval to the giant’s strange actions.

“Now sister!”

Jasmine’s voice echoed across the courtyard. Celia whirled away from watching the giant and stormed up the balcony stairs. Princess Jasmine was nowhere to be seen. Celia bit her lip, took in another short breath, and proceeded towards their father’s chambers.

 

[The Judge]

I don't know anything about fantasy for children, so I wasn't going to comment, but then I noticed this: 1/ Is my mention of the Keep correct physically / location wise, and is it capitalised correctly? and my eyes lit up, since (a) I love castles and (b) I'm on a one-woman crusade for historical accuracy in fantasy. Hard luck...

To be honest, I was a bit confused by the keep (lower case, not capitalised) and all the other buildings, so it might help if I just witter on a bit -- apologies if I'm telling you things you already know. Anyhow, the keep is the innermost core of a castle, and there is only ever one, so to have it described as a "main keep" is, well, odd. In its origins the keep is the best protected part of the castle complex, designed to be the last refuge for the inhabitants, capable of holding out against assailants even if the curtain walls are taken together with their gatehouses and towers. Every castle is different, depending on its size, the terrain, the money spent on it and the number of men it has to house, but logic dictated the keep was where the castle's owner/castellan had his private quarters, and originally it would also have housed the great hall, as well as the chapel. Sometimes, it was only accessible through a door on what would be the first floor, to give further protection.

It's rare for a castle to be called a palace (even if it now is one eg Windsor Castle) since they are basically different beasts designed for different functions -- the Tower of London on the one hand as against Nonsuch on the other. Castles are built for defence or aggression (eg to dominate and control an area), whereas a palace is something more settled and luxurious, where the court would reside for longer periods, and was used for prestige purposes, showing off wealth and grandeur not military power. And a palace, designed from the ground up, wouldn't have a keep, because it wouldn't be seen as needing one. So with your story, I wasn't entirely sure what the situation is -- a castle now lacking enemies which has not only been given a makeover to make its private quarters larger and more comfortable, but has also been renamed since it's now more palatial, or a palace which no longer seems safe, so has had a keep built in the middle of it.

The fact you then refer to the castle gates added to my confusion, not least as the gates appear to be virtually next door to the keep and the other, unnamed, building, whereas in fact the curtain walls and gatehouse are usually set some distance away. Also, the internal courts are rarely described as courtyards, but are termed wards or baileys -- and tend to be called inner/outer or given names, not simply "front". I wasn't sure what the "outhouse" was, but the wards would have been filled with buildings of various degrees of permanence.

As for the great halls (never "dining-hall" in the originals) these were added as separate buildings within the inner castle wards if money and space allowed, eg Winchester Great Hall, but I have never heard of one with a flat roof, and I can't believe it's remotely practical for a building of any size, unless this is an area which has virtually no rainfall. I'm also rather bemused at it having a small wall at its edge -- as an aesthetic design feature it seems somewhat lacking, but if it's functional eg the hall is a place from which archers could shoot, the wall would be high enough to provide cover and prevent accidents. And access to roofs is invariably from inside a building to allow defenders to get up there without risking themselves outside and avoid the risk of assailants using external steps to get onto the roof.

When you were planning the palace lay out, did you considered the era in which it was built, and its original purpose, and how many years have since passed, and whether that purpose has now changed? If you look at somewhere like Windsor, it started life as a simple motte and bailey castle, which was later replaced by a stone keep, but then as the threat of warfare receded, it gained more stone buildings and private apartments for the royals, but it became less capable of defence and wouldn't have had a military presence.

Now, obviously you're writing fantasy, set in a world which isn't ours, so there's no reason why you have to follow the same names and historical progression as for palaces/castles in the UK or anywhere else, and since you're writing for middle grade, none of your expected readership is going to worry if you've got things wrong! However, as you've specifically asked whether the mention of the keep is correct, I'm guessing you'd like some historical accuracy, so I'd suggest you perhaps look at a few castles online to get a better idea of the usual layout and terms, and see if there's one you can adapt. (Hands off Fenis Castle in the Valle d'Aosta in Italy, though, as I've pinched that one!) English Heritage cares for a lot of medieval castles, and has excellent guidebooks giving details of them and how they originally appeared.

Hope that helps a little.

(PS while I'm in pedant mood, it's a pet peeve of mine when in novels people address the daughters of royalty as "princess". No. Just, no.)

 

[Stuart Suffel]

@The Judge
Wow! Excellent amount of information there! So, Fenis Castle, eh...? LOl. Kiddin.

The castle/ palace/ place is the starting point, but doesn't enter into the equation again, but I'd still like to get it fairly accurate, so many thanks for the research direction.

 

[The Judge]

Hope it helped a little!

By the way, as to whether to call it a palace or castle, as well as considering how it was first built and what the perceived threat then was, think also about where it's situated. England's inland castles are mostly medieval because of the need for the Normans to subdue the land and thereafter there remained a high degree of unrest within the country requiring fortified positions (and within Wales, of course, to maintain power there). Once the monarchy is better established, then Henrician castles and forts are on the coast, as defences against foreign powers, and we get Nonsuch and the enlargement of the Palace at Westminster, since there is no internal military threat. There would still be high walls around the palace complex, of course, but by way of statement and personal protection, and if there are towers, they're symbols of power not anything that can withstand a siege.

Also consider what you've got by way of nearby towns. Castles are usually built in commanding positions and a village or town might grow up around them, but palaces are normally built close to existing centres of population which then become larger -- they need more staff to keep things running, more luxury means more artisans nearby ready to provide the trinkets and valuables, more food and fuel needs to come in on a daily basis, and there has to be room for courtiers and ambassadors to be within the complex or close by, with all of their servants and needs and paraphernalia. Castles can exist more or less alone, true palaces can't.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

@The Judge Excellent stuff!
In this case peace has reigned for a thousand years, which is why the attack is so unexpected. Dwellings of the lords are more palatial than defensive. The five territories are all relatively prosperous. However, rumours abound that a small band of 'wildings' from the far north have been reaching into the south on raiding parties, hence the newly built Watch. But things gets worse. No one expects The Inquisition (well, more Dark Lord Rising than Inquisition, but well, Monty Python...)

 

[NickD]

I wonder why you decided not to write in first-person pov.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

I wonder why you decided not to write in first-person pov.

Interesting comment. Can you elaborate?

 

[NickD]

Yes of course. I've been writing what is turning into a sci-fi saga of gargantuan proportions for almost two years now and have become so used to writing about events from the pov of my main character, John, that I'm beginning to wonder if I've started dreaming like him.

What it feels like to me is that first-person pov is good for any adventure story because it gets you inside your main character's skin - you share their thoughts and feelings directly with your reader. Of course the downside is as the author you can't cheat and tell the reader things which your protagonist does not know - unless you break with chronology and do a flash forward - not my thing.

Some authors do multi-pov's, and it's a cracking trick if done well, but very tricky. Larry Niven's Footfall is a great, successful example off the top of my head.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

@NickD Did you find the piece easy to read, easy to follow/ understand, or did you stop at different points, confused and uncertain?

 

[Brian G Turner]

There's no real POV here - it's a series of objective visual descriptions. Which is great if you're looking to write a screenplay, but if you're looking to write a novel you need to get inside one or more character heads and give us their experience. That way we experience their emotions and drive and sense of conflict, none of which is present in the opening.

As ever, read Wonderbook and Save the Cat for help and tips on getting this.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

@Brian G Turner . Tis a conundrum, tis. Original has too much to allow a connection with Celia, this has too little! The action versus character balance is tough! One solution maybe to make this longer, see her in the room with her father and sister, but really we don't see her full persona until after the attack.
Might put a paragraph about Celia alone at the very beginning, so a reader can connect to her, or at least understand her personal worldview, but then I do need to get into the action.

Re screenplay, I am actually going for a cinematic feel, but the danger is the reader wont care about the character, and if the reader doesn't care about the character....

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

How about some small technical changes that would put the reader into the heads of your main characters? Something like....

Celia watched the giant swing his wooden sword in a circular motion......etc etc.....He grinned at her and gave a brief bow. 'Why does he always have to show off?' she said to herself, annoyed.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Tis a conundrum, tis. Original has too much to allow a connection with Celia, this has too little!

No, you were on the right track with the first one - the problem was you still needed to get closer to the character so that her experience was more personal and individual and less generic.

Re screenplay, I am actually going for a cinematic feel, but the danger is the reader wont care about the character, and if the reader doesn't care about the character....

Screenplays are great for cinematic writing - not so much novels.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

@Brian G Turner Yes, that's it. Celia needs an experience, all on her own (or with less other stuff going on) methinks. Nice insight Brian.

@Christine Wheelwright Problem there is the distancing from action/ and telling, rather than showing. But I reckon, with enough chocolate and coffee, I can solve the issues...

 

[M.P. VandenBerg]

The giant swung his wooden sword in a circular motion with his right hand, then tossed it into the air. It cartwheeled backwards for a bit, then plummeted down towards him. He caught the hurtling sword with a deft movement of his left hand. He grinned and gave a brief bow.

Avoid verb descriptions like that, don't need it, more effective without it.

“Groddan! This is serious!” Celia’s shout carried across the flat rooftop. Groddan’s smile vanished. He put on a more sombre face.

“Stand right back to the edge again,” Celia instructed. “And be more careful this time!”.

If the same person is speaking, it should be a part of the same paragraph.

The giant retreated to the small wall which ran along the perimeter of the palace dining-hall roof, mindful not to stumble backwards over it, as he had done earlier.

“You ready?” asked Celia.

Celia asked; always start your tags with whos speaking or the pronoun first.

The giant nodded.

Celia rushed towards him with her spear. Halfway across the roof she threw the spear but kept running. The giant flicked the spear away and readied himself for Celia’s onslaught. The half-Elfin dived to the ground, scrunching her lithe frame into a ball, and rolled forward seven or eight feet, then leapt up onto the giant’s shoulder, landing feet first. She drew her dagger from her waistband and held it to Groddan’s neck.

Once you mention the spear, you don't have to label it again until another object is introduced. Also, you may want to rethink how standing on his shoulders and holding a dagger to the giant's throat would actually look. Don't be afraid to take some time to paint the picture, you are coming across a tad vague.

“You’re dead, monster!”

Groddan offered a faint smile in response. Celia put her dagger away and flopped down on the giant’s shoulder. “What is wrong with you today?”

should be a comma if the sentence describes the person who's speaking, it functions as a dialogue tag (Which I think you understand)

The giant shrugged, nearly throwing Celia off balance. He reached up a hand to steady her, but his body stiffened. He stared out across the landscape. Celia followed his sightline. In the distance a ball of dust arrowed towards the Palace of Rosserral.

“A messenger!” Celia exclaimed. “Groddan, help me down, please.” The giant did as requested. “Come,” Celia said, “no doubt another proposal of marriage from Lord Haffen for my dear sister. Ha! I wonder how she will justify rejecting this one!”

Drop that dialogue tag and this is perfect.

But the giant did not move. He continued to stare into the distance. Celia looked at Groddan, then out to where he was staring. Another ball of dust followed the first. The second was bigger and moved almost as fast.

Celia focused her attention on the first dust ball. It was just one horse and rider, but there was something unusual about the horseman. His colours. They were not Lord Haffen’s colours. She frowned in concentration. Neither were they the colours of her sister’s other suitors, Lord Horrag nor Lord Esserald. It took another moment. “Elven.”

I mean, I guess it's technically a sentence, and I do like short sentence use, but it would flow a lot better if it was part of the following sentence.

Celia ran towards the rooftop stairs, descending them three at a time. The giant followed after her. Reaching the end, she dashed across the front courtyard to the nearest Watch. The post was empty. She whirled around to see Captain Tzeffan exiting the main Keep.

Make sure you get your medieval structures right. It's a common mistake, and if it's intentional I would recommend against it. We, fantasy nerds, are very particular about this kind of stuff. I'm not saying you are getting it wrong, just make sure your palace isn't a castle, and your Keep is the defensive structure.

“Captain! A rider approaches. From the Elven!”

Captain Tzeffan gave a brief bow. “I am aware of that, Princess Celia. I have informed your father thus.”

“The Watch is empty?”

“We are not at war, princess.”

“That is not what I meant. How do you know of the Elven messenger's arrival?” Celia snapped.

Tzeffan's lips flattened into a tight line. “With all due respect, princess, it is my business to know these things.”

This is exactly how I write my dialogue. no unnecessary tags, and leaving the acting to the reader's interpretation, good stuff.

“Sister!” Celia looked up to see Princess Jasmine standing on the Keep’s balcony.

Keeps don't have a balcony, maybe a parapet. Remember the Keep is a defensive structure, the palace would have a balcony. Not a hard and fast rule, but people will have a problem with it.

“Leave such matters to our good captain, and his men. They have our full confidence.” Celia’s body tensed, but before she could respond Jasmine spoke again. “Father wishes to see us in his ante-room. Straight away.” She turned on her heels and disappeared back into the Keep.

These should all be commas, this is one sentence.

Celia took in a short breath. She glanced at Captain Tzeffan, who nodded curtly, then moved off. She looked back up at the empty balcony. A noise caused her to turn her head. Near the castle gates, the giant was tearing off wooden stakes in two and threes, from a disused storehouse, as a child might gather daisies stalks. He then walked over to the Saldan’s stable, and with clenched fist, began to punch the stakes into the ground, blocking the stable’s open entrance.

That is great, I love that imagery. Some of these short sentences should be joined for flow reasons. I can't tell you which one's because that is part of the art form. Reading it out loud can be a big help in these situations.

The Saldan – a griffin who could not fly, poked its head outside the stable window and nodded, as if giving approval to the giant’s strange actions.

I'm not 100% sure when dashes are appropriate, but I would argue for a comma here. I know Tolkien did it, but we can't. You're actually saying more without it.

“Now sister!”

Jasmine’s voice echoed across the courtyard. Celia whirled away from watching the giant and stormed up the balcony stairs. Princess Jasmine was nowhere to be seen. Celia bit her lip, took in another short breath, and proceeded towards their father’s chambers.

A bit of grammar "spit-and-polish" but you are on the right track. There is much less of a "fan-fiction" aspect to this and some clever worldbuilding hidden between the lines. There is a much better sense of plot and interest here. Although I would have liked to see revisions to the other version.

My biggest note really is to do more research on Medieval castles and structures, it doesn't hurt, and may even give you ideas. (It's actually fascinating). Also, you need to put us inside the MC's head, we need to know what they're thinking and feeling.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

Avoid verb descriptions like that, don't need it, more effective without it.

If the same person is speaking, it should be a part of the same paragraph.

Celia asked; always start your tags with whos speaking or the pronoun first.

Once you mention the spear, you don't have to label it again until another object is introduced. Also, you may want to rethink how standing on his shoulders and holding a dagger to the giant's throat would actually look. Don't be afraid to take some time to paint the picture, you are coming across a tad vague.

should be a comma if the sentence describes the person who's speaking, it functions as a dialogue tag (Which I think you understand)

Drop that dialogue tag and this is perfect.

I mean, I guess it's technically a sentence, and I do like short sentence use, but it would flow a lot better if it was part of the following sentence.

Make sure you get your medieval structures right. It's a common mistake, and if it's intentional I would recommend against it. We, fantasy nerds, are very particular about this kind of stuff. I'm not saying you are getting it wrong, just make sure your palace isn't a castle, and your Keep is the defensive structure.

This is exactly how I write my dialogue. no unnecessary tags, and leaving the acting to the reader's interpretation, good stuff.

Keeps don't have a balcony, maybe a parapet. Remember the Keep is a defensive structure, the palace would have a balcony. Not a hard and fast rule, but people will have a problem with it.

These should all be commas, this is one sentence.

That is great, I love that imagery. Some of these short sentences should be joined for flow reasons. I can't tell you which one's because that is part of the art form. Reading it out loud can be a big help in these situations.

I'm not 100% sure when dashes are appropriate, but I would argue for a comma here. I know Tolkien did it, but we can't. You're actually saying more without it.

A bit of grammar "spit-and-polish" but you are on the right track. There is much less of a "fan-fiction" aspect to this and some clever worldbuilding hidden between the lines. There is a much better sense of plot and interest here. Although I would have liked to see revisions to the other version.

My biggest note really is to do more research on Medieval castles and structures, it doesn't hurt, and may even give you ideas. (It's actually fascinating). Also, you need to put us inside the MC's head, we need to know what they're thinking and feeling.

@M.P. VandenBerg Like your last critique, you offer very useful and insightful observations. Re revising the original, I'm going to reset it completely, as it would not survive logically as is due to preceding chapters, which may mean it 'dissolves' into a number of them (chapters.) But, I will, when completed, come back to it in some form. Thanks again, and much indebted!

 

[PadreTX]

I liked the first one better. It did need some fixing, like the action sequences and if the different species was really necessary (elf, troll), but the story gave me an interest in reading it. This one didn't.

This one I had to push myself to read it through. The first one I read through with interest in the story.