Ending of Volume 1 (265 words)

[Flaviosky]

Hi community,

I wanted to share this short piece that would be the first attempt to write the ending of the first book of my 3-tome medieval fantasy story.

Diane is the protagonist and princess wanting to return to Clysse, her kingdom, and set it free from Daniel, the main antagonist, who forced her to exile and killed the King. Natalie is her personal guard and childhood friend. Ark is the antagonist of the book, defeated in battle. Liorde is a captain loyal to the princess, who executed the plan of blowing a ship to make Daniel think the princess is dead. Philippe and Gareth are secondary characters, not important in the scene.

The objective was to reach Grandall, a smaller port connecting to Clysse and make their return in secrecy, but plans had to change after discovering that Daniel was waiting for them, so a new journey is set to the north to make the passage through Weignard, a secluded continent. This journey is portraited in the second book.

I'd be glad to recieve some advice about how to make a good ending that would wrap the book in a good way and set the story for the next.

Thanks a lot!

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A trail of dust appears on the horizon, and soon it’s evident that are the two horses pulling the wagon at full speed to their position, with Philippe and Gareth guiding the cart forward until stopping right next to them.

“Diane, it worked! Everyone is talking about how you died in the explosion." Philippe says.

“Likely there are still spies in Grandall, and Daniel will not just fall for it that easily. Let’s get going, your majesty." Gareth says.

Natalie stares at Diane, who seems distracted, looking at the ocean, to the dark smoke still coming from the wreckage far away. The waves on the shore start bringing what was left of the ship, small pieces of wood, clothes and other tiny objects, while the coastal breeze make her orange hair dance with the wind.

“...Diane?” Natalie says.

“This new plan, it was to work.” Diane says.

“It will work if we do it right. We’ll make our way through Weignard while Liorde sets the decoy. Blowing the ship will give us more time.”

Diane sighs and looks down “How long will I have to wait until I set my kingdom free?”

Natalie walks to her and lays her hand on Diane’s shoulder “Just as long as necessary. We might get something out from this. We defeated Ark, with all his evil. Nothing can be worse than that.”

Diane looks up, her eyes now shine with determination “You’re right. Nothing is worse than that, not even Weignard, that mysterious land at the north. Daniel will never guess we came through there.”

She clenches her fist, looking down at it.

Nothing will stop me. I will avenge my family and set my kingdom free. You will fall, Daniel, you shall meet my furious blade, but not just yet. From those northern cold lands I shall emerge, like a winter fox in the snow, to steal your life away as you did with mine.

Natalie goes up the wagon, as well as Diane, as the horses slowly turn, heading north. They gallop, and they gallop fast through plains that become less humid and colder. The grass turns paler as they go to the northern shore of Algalord, with Diane’s blue eyes fixed on that horizon she leaves behind, into a new journey: The arctic lands of Weignard.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Hi community,

I wanted to share this short piece that would be the first attempt to write the ending of the first book of my 3-tome medieval fantasy story.

Diane is the protagonist and princess wanting to return to Clysse, her kingdom, and set it free from Daniel, the main antagonist, who forced her to exile and killed the King. Natalie is her personal guard and childhood friend. Ark is the antagonist of the book, defeated in battle. Liorde is a captain loyal to the princess, who executed the plan of blowing a ship to make Daniel think the princess is dead. Philippe and Gareth are secondary characters, not important in the scene.

The objective was to reach Grandall, a smaller port connecting to Clysse and make their return in secrecy, but plans had to change after discovering that Daniel was waiting for them, so a new journey is set to the north to make the passage through Weignard, a secluded continent. This journey is portraited in the second book.

I'd be glad to recieve some advice about how to make a good ending that would wrap the book in a good way and set the story for the next.

Thanks a lot!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------​

A trail of dust appears on the horizon, and soon it’s evident that are the two horses pulling the wagon at full speed to their position, with Philippe and Gareth guiding the cart forward until stopping right next to them.

“Diane, it worked! Everyone is talking about how you died in the explosion." Philippe says.

“Likely there are still spies in Grandall, and Daniel will not just fall for it that easily. Let’s get going, your majesty." Gareth says.

Natalie stares at Diane, who seems distracted, looking at the ocean, to the dark smoke still coming from the wreckage far away. The waves on the shore start bringing what was left of the ship, small pieces of wood, clothes and other tiny objects, while the coastal breeze make her orange hair dance with the wind.

“...Diane?” Natalie says.

“This new plan, it was to work.” Diane says.

“It will work if we do it right. We’ll make our way through Weignard while Liorde sets the decoy. Blowing the ship will give us more time.”

Diane sighs and looks down “How long will I have to wait until I set my kingdom free?”

Natalie walks to her and lays her hand on Diane’s shoulder “Just as long as necessary. We might get something out from this. We defeated Ark, with all his evil. Nothing can be worse than that.”

Diane looks up, her eyes now shine with determination “You’re right. Nothing is worse than that, not even Weignard, that mysterious land at the north. Daniel will never guess we came through there.”

She clenches her fist, looking down at it.

Nothing will stop me. I will avenge my family and set my kingdom free. You will fall, Daniel, you shall meet my furious blade, but not just yet. From those northern cold lands I shall emerge, like a winter fox in the snow, to steal your life away as you did with mine.

Natalie goes up the wagon, as well as Diane, as the horses slowly turn, heading north. They gallop, and they gallop fast through plains that become less humid and colder. The grass turns paler as they go to the northern shore of Algalord, with Diane’s blue eyes fixed on that horizon she leaves behind, into a new journey: The arctic lands of Weignard.

Hi Flaviosky,

It is a little strange being presented with the final pages of a story to critique. I think that is probably why there has not been much response. Normally, with the early pages, we can ask ourselves if we would be encouraged to read on, and if so why (or if not, why not). But the final pages are difficult to judge in the same way.

I'm interested in the use of present tense. Is the whole story written that way? I think it can be useful in special cases but might be quite tiring for the reader unless it is used sparingly. I would stick to past tense.

Watch out for exposition within dialogue. For example; "You’re right. Nothing is worse than that, not even Weignard, that mysterious land at the north...". The person being spoken to likely knows what Weignard is. You clearly want to tell your reader it is a mysterious land to the north, but you should find a better way of getting the information across.

Some of the descriptions also seem a little awkward. For example; "...while the coastal breeze make her orange hair dance with the wind...". Either the wind is redundant of the breeze is. Try '...while the coastal breeze makes her orange hair dance....' and leaving it at that.

As I said, it is difficult to judge the final pages. It sounds like we just missed a good story.

 

[Flaviosky]

It is a little strange being presented with the final pages of a story to critique

Yeah, I felt the same while posting this, even more considering the lenght of the piece. That's why I gave some context.

You clearly want to tell your reader it is a mysterious land to the north, but you should find a better way of getting the information across.

The challenge I'm facing in these pages is that a second book continues the journey, but at the same time I'm aware that the story can't feel cropped and the book by itself must have a satisfactory wrapping (In this case, the failed conclusion of the initial goal of going back to the MC's homeland)

I would stick to past tense.

Yeah, I recieved some advice and currently I'm making the change to past tense.

Thank you for your time!

 

[Rob Arnold]

Present tense is still something I m coming to grips with. In real life, the only time I hear a story told in the present tense is either verbally (picture someone talking and saying something like "So this guy says to me..." or " So then she flags down a taxi, and I wasn't sure what to do." Or "They storm in there like Wookies and, surprise surprise, they get chucked out" My second example even mixes tenses because I think sometimes that is how people verbalise when relating a true event.

The other time occasionally is in a current journalistic piece. Usually it's something like "A day with the Taliban" so the reporter is spending time with someone and it reads "The call to morning prayer is sounded. Everyone rises, and on his way past, my subject bids me good morning"

I don't know, I feel like both those legitimate examples have the same thing in common. They are current. They describe something that happened so recently, it perhaps could even be described as still going on.

Fantasy is a weird one because obviously it is not factual history, but I have found most fantasy at least purports to be something that either did, or at the least, maybe could have happened, long ago (even a hundred years ago is long ago, to us short lived apes)

So I m not saying you can never use present tense in fantasy I m happy to be proved wrong. I just think present tense is something I don't completely get yet if I ever will? So it distracts

 

[Dan Jones]

I have to agree with Christine, it is rather odd to critique an epilogue / ending, where we have no idea what the mood is supposed to be. It's written fine, I guess, but as you wouldn't use this as a sub piece, I'm not sure what you're looking for from a crit.

A couple of general points: your used of dialogue tags needs work.

“This new plan, it was to work.” Diane says.

Generally, you should end a piece of direct speech using a comma, not a full stop (or a period, if you're American). So it should read:

"This new plan, it was to work," says Diane. (note I reversed "Diane says" to "says Diane" which is more conventional, but this is a stylistic point and you may wish to keep it as it is).

Diane sighs and looks down “How long will I have to wait until I set my kingdom free?”

Diane looks up, her eyes now shine with determination “You’re right.

Missing full stops / periods before the dialogue begins. So it should be:

Diane sighs and looks down. "How long will I...."

Secondly, on the point of your using the present tense: hooray! I'm writing part of my WIP in the present tense, and it's good to meet somebody else working with it. I understand that it's not everyone's cup of tea, but once you get used to it, it's just as fun and immersive as past. I'm using present tense for a specific purpose for my WIP, but I've read plenty of great books using present tense. So if you want to use present tense, I say go for it!

 

[Rob Arnold]

I have to agree with Christine, it is rather odd to critique an epilogue / ending, where we have no idea what the mood is supposed to be. It's written fine, I guess, but as you wouldn't use this as a sub piece, I'm not sure what you're looking for from a crit.

A couple of general points: your used of dialogue tags needs work.

Generally, you should end a piece of direct speech using a comma, not a full stop (or a period, if you're American). So it should read:

"This new plan, it was to work," says Diane. (note I reversed "Diane says" to "says Diane" which is more conventional, but this is a stylistic point and you may wish to keep it as it is).



Missing full stops / periods before the dialogue begins. So it should be:

Diane sighs and looks down. "How long will I...."

Secondly, on the point of your using the present tense: hooray! I'm writing part of my WIP in the present tense, and it's good to meet somebody else working with it. I understand that it's not everyone's cup of tea, but once you get used to it, it's just as fun and immersive as past. I'm using present tense for a specific purpose for my WIP, but I've read plenty of great books using present tense. So if you want to use present tense, I say go for it!

I too have read good books in present tense. Chuck Wendig and 11.22.63 by Stephen King I think is at least partly in it?

The above excerpt with the comma correctly replacing the full stop, it highlighted another issue I struggle with in present tense, particularly when writing. Going "such and such speech" Character says, or says Character, either just feels so weird. I can't explain how weird I find it.

I try and imagine how you'd handle it if telling a story and I think this is my problem. Down the pub you'd say, "So Harry comes up to me and he says...." Or "This group of lads look at this posh car, and they're all..." or "Jason looks like his world has come apart. He s just sitting there saying...."

I m not saying anything is wrong, I m trying to articulate my struggles over the years. All the above real world examples are perhaps too colloquial for a novel, so the novel is tidied up but just "he says" or "she says" still looks so weird whereas "she said/he said" is so ubiquitous you just glide over it mostly, reading dialogue like a movie script.

One random idea I ve often had is writing a novel to look like a movie script, but with much more detailed description etc. Imagine a movie script but the italic descriptors sometimes run to pages. Just like a novel. A movie novel. That's how present tense works for me. Probably comes from me reading Pulp Fiction the script and realising how literary it was

 

[Rob Arnold]

Ooh and Hilary Mantel, the Thomas Cromwell trilogy. That is present tense. Best example of it working actually. It wouldn't be the same in past tense.

 

[Flaviosky]

Secondly, on the point of your using the present tense: hooray! I'm writing part of my WIP in the present tense, and it's good to meet somebody else working with it. I understand that it's not everyone's cup of tea, but once you get used to it, it's just as fun and immersive as past. I'm using present tense for a specific purpose for my WIP, but I've read plenty of great books using present tense. So if you want to use present tense, I say go for it!

Honestly I believe present tense feels more natural and "closer", like living the story as it unfolds instead of telling something that "just happened", but I have received advice to get back to past tense for various reasons. I have been told that readers can get "exhausted" when reading in present tense.

The debate is still open, but I'm struggling with this good feeling I have with present tense and the fact that I'd avoid any issue considering I'm just a novice writer dreaming about getting published someday.

 

[Rob Arnold]

Honestly I believe present tense feels more natural and "closer", like living the story as it unfolds instead of telling something that "just happened", but I have received advice to get back to past tense for various reasons. I have been told that readers can get "exhausted" when reading in present tense.

The debate is still open, but I'm struggling with this good feeling I have with present tense and the fact that I'd avoid any issue considering I'm just a novice writer dreaming about getting published someday.

I relate to you here. Often we feel pulled between what we want to do and what people tell us we should be doing.

I do feel like present tense is great when it works. But then at the same time the greatest compliment you could probably get from a reader would be "present tense? I didn't realise it was, I just loved it!" It's that kind of effortless artifice that is the goal

 

[Stuart Suffel]

Honestly I believe present tense feels more natural and "closer", like living the story as it unfolds instead of telling something that "just happened", but I have received advice to get back to past tense for various reasons. I have been told that readers can get "exhausted" when reading in present tense.

The debate is still open, but I'm struggling with this good feeling I have with present tense and the fact that I'd avoid any issue considering I'm just a novice writer dreaming about getting published someday.

Feelings are great, but there is are good reasons why books written in the present tense are rarer than past tense. Even the greatest novelists in the history of writing, don't write in the present tense that much. There are however, some, well loved, mostly recent, novels.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I'm not sure whether this works as a conclusion. To me, it reads more like the opening of the next book in the series; it does not appear to wrap up what has happened, rather it starts telling what is next.

Some other things to consider. I found the setting to be confusing; new characters kept arriving out of nowhere and it came as a surprise that they were suddenly at a seashore. Consider describing the location and who is present in the initial paragraph.

I did not feel that the following seemed like something I would expect a character to say:

“Diane, it worked! Everyone is talking about how you died in the explosion." Philippe says.

The characters all know this. If this is the reveal to the user that Diane did not die, then it feels too abrupt. If the reader already knows that this was the plan (and that the plan succeeded), then there is no reason for stating this.

I would suggest showing people talking about Diane's death. This seems to be the major point concerning the tale preceding this piece. The rest is all about what is next and thus should probably be dropped from the end of this book.

 

[Dan Jones]

Feelings are great, but there is are good reasons why books written in the present tense are rarer than past tense.

That's an interesting article. I largely agree with the writer, but it's important to note that even this person, who seems to have be more allergic to present-tense narratives than most, leaves the door open at the end, stating we have to be selective about using it. I agree with that - it is difficult, but there could be certain reasons why such a technique may be used, and if it is being used then it might be worth paying attention to why it's being used. Or not, if it's too much effort.

However, his disdain for first-person narratives seems just daft. Good luck with that one.

 

[Swank]

It is a small thing, but the text uses the character's names too often - usually as dialogue tags. Instead of using the same labels over and over, why not use those tags as opportunities for to revisit description? Like:
The tall woman said, "...

Or simply place a character's dialogue within a description of her actions.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

That's an interesting article. I largely agree with the writer, but it's important to note that even this person, who seems to have be more allergic to present-tense narratives than most, leaves the door open at the end, stating we have to be selective about using it. I agree with that - it is difficult, but there could be certain reasons why such a technique may be used, and if it is being used then it might be worth paying attention to why it's being used. Or not, if it's too much effort.

However, his disdain for first-person narratives seems just daft. Good luck with that one.

Disdain? For a writing style? You on the bovril vodka Dan?

 

[Dan Jones]

Fair enough, you win.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

Fair enough, you win.

At last - a win!

Not sure what I've won exactly, buy hey - I'll take it!

 

[msstice]

Hi community,

I wanted to share this short piece that would be the first attempt to write the ending of the first book of my 3-tome medieval fantasy story.

Diane is the protagonist and princess wanting to return to Clysse, her kingdom, and set it free from Daniel, the main antagonist, who forced her to exile and killed the King. Natalie is her personal guard and childhood friend. Ark is the antagonist of the book, defeated in battle. Liorde is a captain loyal to the princess, who executed the plan of blowing a ship to make Daniel think the princess is dead. Philippe and Gareth are secondary characters, not important in the scene.

The objective was to reach Grandall, a smaller port connecting to Clysse and make their return in secrecy, but plans had to change after discovering that Daniel was waiting for them, so a new journey is set to the north to make the passage through Weignard, a secluded continent. This journey is portraited in the second book.

I'd be glad to recieve some advice about how to make a good ending that would wrap the book in a good way and set the story for the next.

Thanks a lot!

I read the piece without reading this passage and I got all of the backstory. This might mean there is too much backstory in the wrap up, but I didn't feel that way.

I don't know if I know how to write a good ending, but for every book I've read that I've though had a good ending it has been a feeling that I wanted the story to go on and I wanted to stay with the characters for longer. Basically, a feeling of sadness that the ride had ended, and the party was winding down.

IMO one trick to this is not to have an extended good bye. Since there is a sequel, perhaps very lightly allude to what the characters are thinking of doing next and then leave off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------​

A trail of dust appears on the horizon, and soon it’s evident that are the two horses pulling the wagon at full speed to their position, with Philippe and Gareth guiding the cart forward until stopping right next to them.

“Diane, it worked! Everyone is talking about how you died in the explosion." Philippe says.

“Likely there are still spies in Grandall, and Daniel will not just fall for it that easily. Let’s get going, your majesty." Gareth says.

Natalie stares at Diane, who seems distracted, looking at the ocean, to the dark smoke still coming from the wreckage far away. The waves on the shore start bringing what was left of the ship, small pieces of wood, clothes and other tiny objects, while the coastal breeze make her orange hair dance with the wind.

“...Diane?” Natalie says.

“This new plan, it was to work.” Diane says.

“It will work if we do it right. We’ll make our way through Weignard while Liorde sets the decoy. Blowing the ship will give us more time.”

Shouldn't the people involved know of this plan? How strong is Diane? These words suggest self-doubt, which is ok, if intentional.

Diane sighs and looks down “How long will I have to wait until I set my kingdom free?”

Natalie walks to her and lays her hand on Diane’s shoulder “Just as long as necessary. We might get something out from this. We defeated Ark, with all his evil. Nothing can be worse than that.”

Diane looks up, her eyes now shine with determination “You’re right. Nothing is worse than that, not even Weignard, that mysterious land at the north. Daniel will never guess we came through there.”

She clenches her fist, looking down at it.

Nothing will stop me. I will avenge my family and set my kingdom free. You will fall, Daniel, you shall meet my furious blade, but not just yet. From those northern cold lands I shall emerge, like a winter fox in the snow, to steal your life away as you did with mine.

Perhaps end here?

Natalie goes up the wagon, as well as Diane, as the horses slowly turn, heading north. They gallop, and they gallop fast through plains that become less humid and colder. The grass turns paler as they go to the northern shore of Algalord, with Diane’s blue eyes fixed on that horizon she leaves behind, into a new journey: The arctic lands of Weignard.