The Bloated One
Well-Known Member
This is an excerpt from my second book about the time travelling adventures of my hero, Tarquin Jenkins. In this piece, Tarquin and his colleagues have found Leonardo Da Vinci and Nostradamus in sixteenth century England at a 21 day party held by Lord Dudley at Kenilworth Castle in honour of QE1.
During the festivities, seven clurichaun, supposedly helping Tarquin see an opportunity for a bit of fun...
Any thoughts and suggestions welcome!
After much discussion, it was decided that the water pageant happening the next day, July 11th, was the best opportunity to get a picture of who and what was at the castle. Harry Goldingham, a local singer was hired to sing for the Queen, and a company of entertainers from Coventry were to put on a number of plays. Jules’s plan was to kidnapp Goldingham and the entertainers and replace him with Oleg and the Leprechauns. In addition, the musicians inside the dolphin would be replaced by the clurichauns. Georgia Blade would play the lady of the lake, and Alice and Tarquin, her nymphs.
On the evening of the Jules dressed as Triton would ride on an 18ft long mechanical mermaid and then Georgia, Alice and Tarquin dressed as the lady of the lake and her nymphs would ride on a moving island.
The Queen would then be invited to walk across the bridge over the castle lake. Triton would come to her and declare that his father, Neptune had sent him on behalf of the Lady of the Lake. He would explain in verse that she had been imprisoned in the lake and only the presence of the Queen could release her. Triton sounds his trumpet, and speaks in verse to the wind and the fishes. Once released, the Lady of the Lake floats by on an island with her two nymphs.
As a token of thanks to the Queen, Triton then presents her with a gift of a vocal performance by a Oleg as Arion, riding on a 24 foot long dolphin, accompanied by clurichauns on musical instruments hidden in the body of the dolphin. That was the plan…
——————————————————
As the gun battery fired its last cannonball into the night sky, the salute came to an end. Queen Elizabeth I and her entourage arrived in the centre of the bridge spanning the lake. Smoke from the salute hugged the waterline and a sulphurous, rotten egg smell filed the air. Without warning, the thumping sound of an electric guitar riff, an inversion of the opening bars of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony filled the air. Jules, holding a three pronged spear and looking resplendent as the god Triton, looked up from the floating mermaid.
“What the…No, no, you’re only supposed to create a distraction!” Shouted Jules as he, Georgia, Tarquin and Alice watched dumbfounded from the mechanical mermaid and floating island.
Slowly, the smoke on the water cleared and a boat with a dolphin’s head on the bow appeared. On the top deck of the boat swaggered Screwball the clurichaun, dressed in the black robes of a Japanese ninja, a full length cape and mirrored sunglasses. Next to him, strutting along the deck like a 1980s axe-man was Dave Moriarty also dressed as a ninja, wearing a leather top hat and dwarfed by a Gibson Les Paul electric guitar. Despite the guitar’s size he managed to play the rhythmic riff with aplomb. Behind him, standing on a box playing a Fender bass was Big Joe Damanski.
Unbeknown to Jules, the clurichauns had liberated the wooden dolphin boat from the quayside the night before and, after taking it aboard their space ship Prometheus, had modified it. Now, powered by Alerion drives and harbouring a sound system of immense power, it was moving at pace towards the Queen of England. The enormous crowd lining the banks of the lake and bridge roared their approval, thinking it was all part of Kenilworth’s incredible festivities. The Queen and her household on horseback watched on, mesmerized.
The clurichauns modifications to the dolphin boat included building a drum riser. As the music intensified, and they cruised back and forth across the lake, Hugh Willard rose up within a column of red and blue smoke from the boat’s gunnels to the deck sitting behind a ten piece Ludwig drum kit. Reaching the deck, rockets from behind the drum kit screamed into the air and exploded into a hundred bright stars.
“Hello Kenilworth!” Shouted Screwball, his amplified voice boomed and echoed across the water as their first number came to a crashing conclusion. He punched the air and saluted the crowd who roared their approval. A fast 4/4 rhythm rent the air and Screwball yelled, “God save the Queen!” Thankfully, the full lyrics of the punk rock song were drowned out by Dave Moriarty’s relentless guitar riff. Nonetheless, the crowd went wild, and even Queen Elizabeth was seen smiling, nodding her head and tapping her horse. Several more songs followed before Screwball laid down a four to the floor rhythm and the music segued seamlessly into disco music. As more smoke poured out from inside the boat, and with the crowd’s excitement at fever pitch, Oleg dressed in a white three piece suit, black shirt, and wig strode onto the deck. Mr Saturday Night had arrived.
Jules looked over to Georgia and spoke into his communicator. “Incredibly, we have the distraction we needed! Tell Alice and Tarquin to get themselves to the back of the castle, Calbhach and the leprechauns will meet them there.” Georgia relayed the message and Alice and Tarquin, still dressed as nymphs, jumped from the floating island, dropped their nymph outfits and ran toward the castle.
With the ‘concert’ in full swing, Archie, Calbhach and the leprechauns arrived at the back of the castle and met up with Alice and Tarquin to set about locating Nostra and Leo in the dungeons. But, they hadn’t planned on others having the same idea…
———————————————————
Admiral Kreien Vythrax III watched the screen, confused as the clurichaun musical performance swung from rock to punk to disco. Music on Putrios was austere, structured, painfully slow and only celebrated Griddleback victories and the wanton destruction of others. He’d never heard such a raucous cacophony of abhorent noise.
“What battles do they sing of?” he yelled, exasperated as he scanned the puzzled faces of his officers on the bridge of the battlecruiser.
“We’re analyzing the words they are, they are…Shouting. They talk of bombs, dying, some God or other saved a Queen, a Funky Claude pulling children from the earth and brothers and mothers staying alive.” said an Officer looking fearfully at the Admiral. “Their songs are not that different from ours?” he said, hopefully. The slits in the Admiral’s green eyes widened, and steam rose from his nostrils,“No!” he shouted, “their songs are the incoherent warblings of slaughter animals, there is no honour, no pride here! Turn it off!” Terrified, the officer flicked a switch and the audio feed disappeared. Silence reigned on deck. “I want proper music!” A switch was flicked and a funereal dirge accompanied only by the Admiral’s rasping breathe, made worse by scar tissue from a sabre slash to his snout, broke the silence. Finally, the Admiral growled and sat back in his chair.
During the festivities, seven clurichaun, supposedly helping Tarquin see an opportunity for a bit of fun...
Any thoughts and suggestions welcome!
After much discussion, it was decided that the water pageant happening the next day, July 11th, was the best opportunity to get a picture of who and what was at the castle. Harry Goldingham, a local singer was hired to sing for the Queen, and a company of entertainers from Coventry were to put on a number of plays. Jules’s plan was to kidnapp Goldingham and the entertainers and replace him with Oleg and the Leprechauns. In addition, the musicians inside the dolphin would be replaced by the clurichauns. Georgia Blade would play the lady of the lake, and Alice and Tarquin, her nymphs.
On the evening of the Jules dressed as Triton would ride on an 18ft long mechanical mermaid and then Georgia, Alice and Tarquin dressed as the lady of the lake and her nymphs would ride on a moving island.
The Queen would then be invited to walk across the bridge over the castle lake. Triton would come to her and declare that his father, Neptune had sent him on behalf of the Lady of the Lake. He would explain in verse that she had been imprisoned in the lake and only the presence of the Queen could release her. Triton sounds his trumpet, and speaks in verse to the wind and the fishes. Once released, the Lady of the Lake floats by on an island with her two nymphs.
As a token of thanks to the Queen, Triton then presents her with a gift of a vocal performance by a Oleg as Arion, riding on a 24 foot long dolphin, accompanied by clurichauns on musical instruments hidden in the body of the dolphin. That was the plan…
——————————————————
As the gun battery fired its last cannonball into the night sky, the salute came to an end. Queen Elizabeth I and her entourage arrived in the centre of the bridge spanning the lake. Smoke from the salute hugged the waterline and a sulphurous, rotten egg smell filed the air. Without warning, the thumping sound of an electric guitar riff, an inversion of the opening bars of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony filled the air. Jules, holding a three pronged spear and looking resplendent as the god Triton, looked up from the floating mermaid.
“What the…No, no, you’re only supposed to create a distraction!” Shouted Jules as he, Georgia, Tarquin and Alice watched dumbfounded from the mechanical mermaid and floating island.
Slowly, the smoke on the water cleared and a boat with a dolphin’s head on the bow appeared. On the top deck of the boat swaggered Screwball the clurichaun, dressed in the black robes of a Japanese ninja, a full length cape and mirrored sunglasses. Next to him, strutting along the deck like a 1980s axe-man was Dave Moriarty also dressed as a ninja, wearing a leather top hat and dwarfed by a Gibson Les Paul electric guitar. Despite the guitar’s size he managed to play the rhythmic riff with aplomb. Behind him, standing on a box playing a Fender bass was Big Joe Damanski.
Unbeknown to Jules, the clurichauns had liberated the wooden dolphin boat from the quayside the night before and, after taking it aboard their space ship Prometheus, had modified it. Now, powered by Alerion drives and harbouring a sound system of immense power, it was moving at pace towards the Queen of England. The enormous crowd lining the banks of the lake and bridge roared their approval, thinking it was all part of Kenilworth’s incredible festivities. The Queen and her household on horseback watched on, mesmerized.
The clurichauns modifications to the dolphin boat included building a drum riser. As the music intensified, and they cruised back and forth across the lake, Hugh Willard rose up within a column of red and blue smoke from the boat’s gunnels to the deck sitting behind a ten piece Ludwig drum kit. Reaching the deck, rockets from behind the drum kit screamed into the air and exploded into a hundred bright stars.
“Hello Kenilworth!” Shouted Screwball, his amplified voice boomed and echoed across the water as their first number came to a crashing conclusion. He punched the air and saluted the crowd who roared their approval. A fast 4/4 rhythm rent the air and Screwball yelled, “God save the Queen!” Thankfully, the full lyrics of the punk rock song were drowned out by Dave Moriarty’s relentless guitar riff. Nonetheless, the crowd went wild, and even Queen Elizabeth was seen smiling, nodding her head and tapping her horse. Several more songs followed before Screwball laid down a four to the floor rhythm and the music segued seamlessly into disco music. As more smoke poured out from inside the boat, and with the crowd’s excitement at fever pitch, Oleg dressed in a white three piece suit, black shirt, and wig strode onto the deck. Mr Saturday Night had arrived.
Jules looked over to Georgia and spoke into his communicator. “Incredibly, we have the distraction we needed! Tell Alice and Tarquin to get themselves to the back of the castle, Calbhach and the leprechauns will meet them there.” Georgia relayed the message and Alice and Tarquin, still dressed as nymphs, jumped from the floating island, dropped their nymph outfits and ran toward the castle.
With the ‘concert’ in full swing, Archie, Calbhach and the leprechauns arrived at the back of the castle and met up with Alice and Tarquin to set about locating Nostra and Leo in the dungeons. But, they hadn’t planned on others having the same idea…
———————————————————
Admiral Kreien Vythrax III watched the screen, confused as the clurichaun musical performance swung from rock to punk to disco. Music on Putrios was austere, structured, painfully slow and only celebrated Griddleback victories and the wanton destruction of others. He’d never heard such a raucous cacophony of abhorent noise.
“What battles do they sing of?” he yelled, exasperated as he scanned the puzzled faces of his officers on the bridge of the battlecruiser.
“We’re analyzing the words they are, they are…Shouting. They talk of bombs, dying, some God or other saved a Queen, a Funky Claude pulling children from the earth and brothers and mothers staying alive.” said an Officer looking fearfully at the Admiral. “Their songs are not that different from ours?” he said, hopefully. The slits in the Admiral’s green eyes widened, and steam rose from his nostrils,“No!” he shouted, “their songs are the incoherent warblings of slaughter animals, there is no honour, no pride here! Turn it off!” Terrified, the officer flicked a switch and the audio feed disappeared. Silence reigned on deck. “I want proper music!” A switch was flicked and a funereal dirge accompanied only by the Admiral’s rasping breathe, made worse by scar tissue from a sabre slash to his snout, broke the silence. Finally, the Admiral growled and sat back in his chair.
