Entering my bedroom.

[Bramandin]

This is just an exercise where I am the third-person character going into my bedroom. Typed in the browser over the course of an hour or so.

The room was shrouded in murky gray light filtering in through the covered windows. Due to recent cleaning and rearranging, what used to be a pocket of stagnant energy and vaguely knee-high tripping hazards now gaped like a freshly-broken tooth. The rest of the room barely registered due to being dominated by a large canopy bed with no canopy. An orange cat was curled in blessed silence on the rumpled lavender bedspread.

Ugh, let's try that again with the character.

Bram brushed aside the silky curtain as she walked through the doorway. The room was shrouded in murky gray light, but she could see well enough to leave the light off. She had recently cleaned and rearranged some of the furniture; she was already used to the transposition of her clothing-rack and the almost as skeletal television stand, but what had been a pocket of stagnant energy and vaguely knee-high tripping hazards gaped like a freshly-broken tooth. The rest of the room barely registered, she couldn't walk through her bed and wasn't intending to sleep, but she did notice the orange cat curled on her rumpled bedspread. Blessedly he seemed to be asleep. Cautiously she plugged in her dying phone; the tangle of cables surrounding the charger silently clamored for her to deal with them, but the mental resistance was so great that she could almost feel something pinning her arms. She took a breath, catching a whiff of cat-waste that she was usually blind to. A new thought fluttered into her head, pushing out the thoughts of reality as she went to chase it.

I still don't like it. Oh well. What do people think?

 

[Swank]

It is a tad verbose. But it feels like the perspective of a person. I think it's quite decent.

 

[Bramandin]

It is a tad verbose. But it feels like the perspective of a person. I think it's quite decent.

Thanks. You have just pointed out why I should do an original story instead of fanfiction... You know how new authors find the thesaurus and start throwing in $3 words? Twenty years of writing in a fandom that expects stuff like "You cannot comprehend the magnitude - the rapture and the tragedy - of this moment..." means I need to use a thesaurus to find the 25¢ version.

 

[tinkerdan]

There are a number of interesting images here; however they seem to lack context and I think that that along with lack of engagement of character is what is making this seem a bit dull.

The first one seems more omniscient than third because the character is not there. Omniscient can be tricky especially if it gets too distant by being objective and only acting like a camera which is what this is. Some subjectiveness could spice it up. One thing missing is possibly understanding of time of day and the mood or condition of the POV that eventually might be revealed. Some closeness in that respect might help--however if I were to do an example I'd have to make some of that up because with both examples those things are not anywhere near clear. However the first might go this way...:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------:
The murky gray light that filtered in through the slight transparency of window coverings was enough to define shapes after a short pause in the doorway to allow weary eyes to adjust. The memory of recent cleaning and rearranging enforced the need for caution especially to the tired fatigued mind trying to recall where everything was in the slowly defining landscape of dark shapes. Shadowy knee-high traps gaped like freshly-broken teeth of the jaw of a tripping and stubbing hazard along the path of what used to be a pocket of stagnant energy. Everything else blurred around the dominating canopy bed, without canopy, that revealed a dark curled form. Possibly, hopefully an orange cat snuggled in the center of a bedspread left ruffled while the rest of the room suffered overt OCD treatment.
:----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not sure I used this image correctly.
what used to be a pocket of stagnant energy

Since this is third person--even though the POV is not introduced yet you can still use cues that bring them closer to the reader such as weary eyes and memory and possible fatigue.
Also you might consider that the condition of the murky grayness might be influenced by conditions outside the window: is it day or night or dawn or dusk. And the character involvement is connected to how they feel at the moment. Are they amped from the day or fatigued as I mention here. All these things need considering because the only time there might be discernable color in a murky gray room might be if the sun were in full blaze outside or if there were intense lights just outside the room. When I'm awake in the night stumbling around the house it is mostly dark shadows accentuated by darker or lighter shadow.
Then try to make the transition to each descriptive sentence follow as close as you can to a possible logical progression of thought.

The second example has hope for more closeness though that closeness seems under utilized.
-------------------------------------------------------------------:
Bram brushed aside the curtain, her hand working its silky smoothness between thumb and forefinger, and she stood as if transfixed in the doorway while waiting for her weary eyes to adjust. The murky gray light filtering through partially transparent drapes allowed the still intense yet waning sunlight to slowly resolve shadows to muted faint familiar colors, and she resisted the insane urge to turn on the light and further waken her fatigued mind. The memory of recently cleaning and rearranging of furniture gave further pause as she worked out the transposition of clothing-rack and skeletal television stand into what had been a pocket of stagnant energy and was now the outline of broken teeth in the jaw of vaguely knee-high tripping hazards. The rest of the room barely registered, though the largest unpassable hazard, the bed that had long ago lost its canopy, was hard to ignore and was a temptation though she'd not intended on coming here to sleep. She almost rethought the decision to leave the lights off. However things were now clear enough that she could see the orange cat curled on her rumpled Lavendar bedspread, explaining the eerie silence that had greeted her, blessedly asleep. Cautiously she more felt than looked for the phone charger that seemed to fight back, because of the tangle of cables like twisted roots holding it in place challenging her to reclaim it, however she shook her head and, against it all her own mental resistance won by seeming to pin her arms in place. She plugged her phone into it. After a small sigh, she took a breath, catching a whiff of overused cat-litter, that somehow triggered a new thought that pushed away reality and sent her on a wild chase. Damn, she should have turned the light on.
:----------------------------------------------------------

Of course, what I imagine is happening might be way off and you will have to shape things in your own way to match your scene and character.
If any of this helps--run with it.
If not you can always ignore it.

 

[Bramandin]

There are a number of interesting images here; however they seem to lack context and I think that that along with lack of engagement of character is what is making this seem a bit dull.

The first one seems more omniscient than third because the character is not there. Omniscient can be tricky especially if it gets too distant by being objective and only acting like a camera which is what this is. Some subjectiveness could spice it up. One thing missing is possibly understanding of time of day and the mood or condition of the POV that eventually might be revealed. Some closeness in that respect might help--however if I were to do an example I'd have to make some of that up because with both examples those things are not anywhere near clear. However the first might go this way...:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------:
The murky gray light that filtered in through the slight transparency of window coverings was enough to define shapes after a short pause in the doorway to allow weary eyes to adjust. The memory of recent cleaning and rearranging enforced the need for caution especially to the tired fatigued mind trying to recall where everything was in the slowly defining landscape of dark shapes. Shadowy knee-high traps gaped like freshly-broken teeth of the jaw of a tripping and stubbing hazard along the path of what used to be a pocket of stagnant energy. Everything else blurred around the dominating canopy bed, without canopy, that revealed a dark curled form. Possibly, hopefully an orange cat snuggled in the center of a bedspread left ruffled while the rest of the room suffered overt OCD treatment.
:----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not sure I used this image correctly.
what used to be a pocket of stagnant energy

Since this is third person--even though the POV is not introduced yet you can still use cues that bring them closer to the reader such as weary eyes and memory and possible fatigue.
Also you might consider that the condition of the murky grayness might be influenced by conditions outside the window: is it day or night or dawn or dusk. And the character involvement is connected to how they feel at the moment. Are they amped from the day or fatigued as I mention here. All these things need considering because the only time there might be discernable color in a murky gray room might be if the sun were in full blaze outside or if there were intense lights just outside the room. When I'm awake in the night stumbling around the house it is mostly dark shadows accentuated by darker or lighter shadow.
Then try to make the transition to each descriptive sentence follow as close as you can to a possible logical progression of thought.

The second example has hope for more closeness though that closeness seems under utilized.
-------------------------------------------------------------------:
Bram brushed aside the curtain, her hand working its silky smoothness between thumb and forefinger, and she stood as if transfixed in the doorway while waiting for her weary eyes to adjust. The murky gray light filtering through partially transparent drapes allowed the still intense yet waning sunlight to slowly resolve shadows to muted faint familiar colors, and she resisted the insane urge to turn on the light and further waken her fatigued mind. The memory of recently cleaning and rearranging of furniture gave further pause as she worked out the transposition of clothing-rack and skeletal television stand into what had been a pocket of stagnant energy and was now the outline of broken teeth in the jaw of vaguely knee-high tripping hazards. The rest of the room barely registered, though the largest unpassable hazard, the bed that had long ago lost its canopy, was hard to ignore and was a temptation though she'd not intended on coming here to sleep. She almost rethought the decision to leave the lights off. However things were now clear enough that she could see the orange cat curled on her rumpled Lavendar bedspread, explaining the eerie silence that had greeted her, blessedly asleep. Cautiously she more felt than looked for the phone charger that seemed to fight back, because of the tangle of cables like twisted roots holding it in place challenging her to reclaim it, however she shook her head and, against it all her own mental resistance won by seeming to pin her arms in place. She plugged her phone into it. After a small sigh, she took a breath, catching a whiff of overused cat-litter, that somehow triggered a new thought that pushed away reality and sent her on a wild chase. Damn, she should have turned the light on.
:----------------------------------------------------------

Of course, what I imagine is happening might be way off and you will have to shape things in your own way to match your scene and character.
If any of this helps--run with it.
If not you can always ignore it.

I was a bit confused because you took the opposite meaning, but I see that I should have written "what had been a pocket of stagnant energy and vaguely knee-high tripping hazards gaped like a freshly-broken tooth" as "what had been a pocket of stagnant energy and vaguely knee-high tripping hazards now gaped like a freshly-broken tooth" to make it a bit clearer.

You've also shown me how I missed conveying the mood. I took a photo, but I'm going to try writing the scene again before I post a picture.

 

[tinkerdan]

Chances are I'm one of a very few who will get so confused.
However I'm still uncertain about what a pocket of stagnant energy might even look like.
Also if the stagnant energy and the knee-high tripping hazards are gone then maybe it should be--now gaped like a missing tooth. Depending on how much it is broken a tooth that is still part or mostly there might not gape at all--just look a bit funny. Broken teeth give me images of something jagged, sharp, possibly even dangerous.

Found on pinterest

Intrusive, Stagnant and Dense Pockets of Energy | Aura, Energy healing, Energy

Mar 20, 2021 - The human Soul is a complex energy field consisting of currents of vital energy. This energy is the life force behind everything that keeps us alive and well.

www.pinterest.com

possibly related to personal auras.

 

[Bramandin]

Chances are I'm one of a very few who will get so confused.
However I'm still uncertain about what a pocket of stagnant energy might even look like.
Also if the stagnant energy and the knee-high tripping hazards are gone then maybe it should be--now gaped like a missing tooth. Depending on how much it is broken a tooth that is still part or mostly there might not gape at all--just look a bit funny. Broken teeth give me images of something jagged, sharp, possibly even dangerous.


View attachment 90326
Found on pinterest

Intrusive, Stagnant and Dense Pockets of Energy | Aura, Energy healing, Energy

Mar 20, 2021 - The human Soul is a complex energy field consisting of currents of vital energy. This energy is the life force behind everything that keeps us alive and well.

www.pinterest.com

possibly related to personal auras.

I think missing tooth probably describes it better. I probably also need to think about what people's common experiences are. Most people have not broken off a tooth, much less done it often enough to familiar with the experience. That hollow feeling when something is removed from a space might just be something that hoarders and their families have felt.

The stagnant energy thing is a mix of auras and feng shui. It's not that I quite believe in invisible currents of energy, but rather it's some sort of subconscious translation of the environment. Room flow is real, and if you're the type to leave stuff laying around, just moving a chair can affect where it tends to accumulate. There's also being able to sense an obstacle's proximity, but that might be air currents and real senses.

 

[redzwritez]

I thought that your images and descriptions were good. I think though it does tell a little more than show which some other critiques brought up like @Swank's.
A few thing I picked up on when I read it though:
I really liked the mention of grey light in the bedroom. I could picture what you meant immediately and it made it very real for me.
I also like the "what had been a pocket of stagnant energy and vaguely knee-high tripping hazards gaped like a freshly-broken tooth." I'm not as sure about the first half with the pocket of energy but I think it creates a really good image and I'm glad it was in both versions.
"...and the almost as skeletal television stand" confused me a little. I might have read it wrong but I found that sentence a little harder to follow.

 

[Stomalomalus]

It feels like you've got a similar issue I tend to have. I get an image in my mind and I desperately want to get it down on the page. And you've managed it...unfortunately, that means it's a great description of a room, but not necessarily a great story. Let the reader use their own imagination to fill in the blanks, and only include those features that are essential to the story or include important character developments that cannot be done while advancing the story.

 

[Bramandin]

*

*

Yeah, I admit that I've got to go back and figure out what other people would look at when going into my room. Another person might be forced to leave the light off if they have trouble with my light-switch, but I'm not the sort of character to pay that much attention to my surroundings. The story would have to be about me dusting and making sure that everything is tidy to get a description. Or view it through the eyes of a designer who's evaluating it.

Sorry for the horrible quality, I left the light off and didn't realize how much trouble my phone was having. The best filter preset for clarity also warmed it up.