Opinion

[Timben]

Commandant and Colonel Gorky's forces link up to shoot at the convicts and push them back. The convicts' retreat, firing back.

"Press forward! I must possess the Cross of Seven Jewels!" said Colonel Gorky.

"I hope your precious jewel is worth it," spoke a Cossack.

Colonel Gorky points a threatening finger at the Cossack.

"That is not your concern! Do as you're told!" said sharply Colonel Gorky.

Sam, Chen, and Daina are pinned down by rifle fire from oncoming Cossacks riding horses closing in.

"Cover me!" said Sam.

Chen nods, then he and Daina suddenly stand up and fire back at the oncoming Cossacks. Sam flees from the cover behind them and starts across "No Man's Land". Sam zig-zags through the treacherous rifle fire. Colonel Gorky sees Sam and points at him, shouting a command.

"Cossacks! Cut him down!" barked Colonel Gorky.

The Cossacks turn and focus their firepower on Sam. Chen and Daina see what's happening. Chen points to Sam.

"Man with a problem, Daina!" said Chen.

Daina turns sharply, gunning down the Cossacks. Colonel Gorky is hissing in anger. He dives at Sam. Amid the confusion — Commandant on foot, shouting and shoving fleeing Cossacks. He fires his sidearm in warning, trying to get them to regroup against an onslaught of convicts which have them in disarray.

"Stand your ground," reported the Commandant.

Colonel Gorky hurtles at his feet first, striking him from behind and knocking Sam out on his ass. Colonel Gorky hurls his sabre at Sam. Sam sidesteps the sabre. Colonel Gorky dives on Sam and slams him to the ground. They roll over and over in a furious struggle, grunting in exertion. Sam is down. Colonel Gorky lunges at him. Sam lifts his legs high at the last moment and flips Colonel Gorky over his head and into a snowbank.

****​

Cossacks rush up in fury as horses run up behind them. A large and terrifying muzzle. A German shepherd on a leash comes charging through the snow. Tearing the clothes off of the convicts. Just as Sam and his convicts have been surrounded by a dozen fur-garbed Cossack guards with rifles. Their hammers were pulled back and aimed directly at them. The only thing missing is the command to open fire. There were several who had leashed German shepherds. And the Commandant, who walks forward.

 

[JS Wiig]

This could be an interesting action scene but I feel the POV is too distant and I don’t get any feelings of emotion from any of the characters.

 

[Bramandin]

This scene has potential, but I think it's running a bit flat. I think you need to try again, though first it would be good to read and watch some fight scenes, probably western. Other than Indiana Jones and Uncharted gameplay, I have no clue what specific resources might be good.

This sounds stupid, but do you have any dolls? The dollar store carries some okay action-figures, army men, or packs of block-tech minifigs. You can use them to choreograph the scene.

I'm not a fan of present-tense writing, but then you switch to past-tense.

As far as what is happening, it seems okay. Except for this part...

The Cossacks turn and focus their firepower on Sam. Chen and Daina see what's happening. Chen points to Sam.

"Man with a problem, Daina!" said Chen.

Daina turns sharply, gunning down the Cossacks.

I may be wrong, but this might be the wrong moment for a clever quip. He might say something like "Daina, look!" or something. It's okay for him to be unsure if he saw that Sam is in trouble even after he yelled "cover me."

 

[Timben]

Sorry, that you didn't like it, I'm having problems with it at the moment. I'm not that good at fight scenes. And I am trying not to make it like Indiana Jones, but I guess I failed. Again I'm sorry.

 

[Timben]

This could be an interesting action scene but I feel the POV is too distant and I don’t get any feelings of emotion from any of the characters.

Could you explain a little better so that I can understand? I suffer from Asperger's so you would have to explain it a little better. Also, I don't have a POV. I'm writing it as a narrate to the story. As I do not know how to write in POV.

 

[JS Wiig]

Could you explain a little better so that I can understand? I suffer from Asperger's so you would have to explain it a little better. Also, I don't have a POV. I'm writing it as a narrate to the story. As I do not know how to write in POV.

Sure. A good action scene makes my heart beat a little faster, my palms sweat a bit, and I tend to read a bit faster because I’m anxious to know what’s going to happen.

Things like whizzing bullets, acrid smoke in the air, confusion, wondering which of the characters is going to get shot and possibly killed all lend to this.

As for POV, maybe try picking one of the characters and focusing only on what they see hear and smell, and more importantly what they are thinking internally about what is happening. Are they confused? Scared? Overly confident because they’ve done this so many times? Worried about another character because they are secretly in love with them? Full of blinding rage?

Hopefully this helps.

 

[The Big Peat]

This reads a lot more like a page from a screenplay than a scene in a novel. It doesn't have enough detail, enough action, enough suspense. Go to your favourite book with action scenes, pick a good 'un, and compare it with what you've done and I think you'll see the contrast.

As a screenplay I think it'd be pretty good. As a plan for a novel scene, I think it could be a good scene. But there's not enough detail for each action.

 

[Bramandin]

Sorry, that you didn't like it, I'm having problems with it at the moment. I'm not that good at fight scenes. And I am trying not to make it like Indiana Jones, but I guess I failed. Again I'm sorry.

This is swords and sorcery, but if I can remember a fight-scene from it for over 20 years, the author must know what they are doing. Read online “Swords Against the Shadowland (Fritz Leiber's Lankhmar)” |FREE BOOK| – Read Online Books The fight-scene I specifically remembered had someone call a guy's sword a toothpick.

I'm having trouble as well because it's hard to get inside a neurotypical's head, but we have the advantage of having millions of examples about how neurotypicals have fictional characters think. My work yesterday benefitted from trying to copy another writer's style onto my own and only being half-successful.

It's okay to have Indiana Jones in there. I'm sure that he takes inspiration from somewhere. One, you're not going to get too close because film and print work a bit different, two, once you start mixing in a lot of other sources, you're not going to have something exactly the same.

Here's some source ideas: Nathan Drake, Phantom, the first incarnation of Batman, older James Bond stuff, Rooster Cogburn, and Flash Gordon. Actually there's an episode of Ducktales from the 90's where they're searching for a city of gold and that might be useful.

I heard that Steven Brust does good swordfights, in addition to that book I linked from Robin Bailey. There's another book I had in mind, but I keep losing it. Try reading the opening to A Stainless Steel Rat is Born, maybe. Star Wars expanded universe books from the 90's might also be good. The Davinci Code was a bestseller, but I never tried to read it.

 

[Timben]

Sure. A good action scene makes my heart beat a little faster, my palms sweat a bit, and I tend to read a bit faster because I’m anxious to know what’s going to happen.

Things like whizzing bullets, acrid smoke in the air, confusion, wondering which of the characters is going to get shot and possibly killed all lend to this.

As for POV, maybe try picking one of the characters and focusing only on what they see hear and smell, and more importantly what they are thinking internally about what is happening. Are they confused? Scared? Overly confident because they’ve done this so many times? Worried about another character because they are secretly in love with them? Full of blinding rage?

Hopefully this helps.

Thank you.

 

[Timben]

This reads a lot more like a page from a screenplay than a scene in a novel. It doesn't have enough detail, enough action, enough suspense. Go to your favourite book with action scenes, pick a good 'un, and compare it with what you've done and I think you'll see the contrast.

As a screenplay I think it'd be pretty good. As a plan for a novel scene, I think it could be a good scene. But there's not enough detail for each action.

Thank you. I understand.

 

[Bramandin]

I think I've gotten the hang of this, if you don't mind me trying to write your scene...

"Press forward! I must possess the Cross of Seven Jewels!" said Colonel Gorky.

"I hope your precious jewel is worth it," spoke a Cossack. He hadn't meant to say it aloud, but he is sick of working for people with delusions of dictatorship acting like Princess Amethyst from Rainbow Brite and the Starstealer.

Colonel Gorky points a threatening finger at the Cossack.

"That is not your concern! Do as you're told!" said sharply Colonel Gorky.

He hopes that he made an appropriately mollified face as he turns to follow the tyrant's command. He would rather be watching that stupid movie for the eight-hundredth time than doing this, and would act on that impulse if he didn't figure he'd be shot for it.

Meanwhile, nearby, Sam, Chen, and Daina are pinned down by rifle fire from oncoming Cossacks riding horses closing in.

"Cover me!" said Sam.

Chen nods, but internally he's screaming. No you stupid idiot, you're going to get yourself killed. It can't end before I have a chance to confess my love for you. then he and Daina suddenly stand up and fire back at the oncoming Cossacks. Sam flees from the cover behind them and starts across "No Man's Land". Sam zig-zags through the treacherous rifle fire. Colonel Gorky sees Sam and points at him, shouting a command.

I'd do a bunch of rearranging if I were doing this scene for myself, but hopefully you get the basic idea.

 

[Timben]

I think I've gotten the hang of this, if you don't mind me trying to write your scene...

"Press forward! I must possess the Cross of Seven Jewels!" said Colonel Gorky.

"I hope your precious jewel is worth it," spoke a Cossack. He hadn't meant to say it aloud, but he is sick of working for people with delusions of dictatorship acting like Princess Amethyst from Rainbow Brite and the Starstealer.

Colonel Gorky points a threatening finger at the Cossack.

"That is not your concern! Do as you're told!" said sharply Colonel Gorky.

He hopes that he made an appropriately mollified face as he turns to follow the tyrant's command. He would rather be watching that stupid movie for the eight-hundredth time than doing this, and would act on that impulse if he didn't figure he'd be shot for it.

Meanwhile, nearby, Sam, Chen, and Daina are pinned down by rifle fire from oncoming Cossacks riding horses closing in.

"Cover me!" said Sam.

Chen nods, but internally he's screaming. No you stupid idiot, you're going to get yourself killed. It can't end before I have a chance to confess my love for you. then he and Daina suddenly stand up and fire back at the oncoming Cossacks. Sam flees from the cover behind them and starts across "No Man's Land". Sam zig-zags through the treacherous rifle fire. Colonel Gorky sees Sam and points at him, shouting a command.

I'd do a bunch of rearranging if I were doing this scene for myself, but hopefully you get the basic idea.

Much obliged.

 

[JS Wiig]

I think I've gotten the hang of this, if you don't mind me trying to write your scene...

"Press forward! I must possess the Cross of Seven Jewels!" said Colonel Gorky.

"I hope your precious jewel is worth it," spoke a Cossack. He hadn't meant to say it aloud, but he is sick of working for people with delusions of dictatorship acting like Princess Amethyst from Rainbow Brite and the Starstealer.

Colonel Gorky points a threatening finger at the Cossack.

"That is not your concern! Do as you're told!" said sharply Colonel Gorky.

He hopes that he made an appropriately mollified face as he turns to follow the tyrant's command. He would rather be watching that stupid movie for the eight-hundredth time than doing this, and would act on that impulse if he didn't figure he'd be shot for it.

Meanwhile, nearby, Sam, Chen, and Daina are pinned down by rifle fire from oncoming Cossacks riding horses closing in.

"Cover me!" said Sam.

Chen nods, but internally he's screaming. No you stupid idiot, you're going to get yourself killed. It can't end before I have a chance to confess my love for you. then he and Daina suddenly stand up and fire back at the oncoming Cossacks. Sam flees from the cover behind them and starts across "No Man's Land". Sam zig-zags through the treacherous rifle fire. Colonel Gorky sees Sam and points at him, shouting a command.

I'd do a bunch of rearranging if I were doing this scene for myself, but hopefully you get the basic idea.

Hmm, that feels like a lot of head hopping and seemingly random interjection of thoughts.

I was thinking more along these lines, generically:

Cleetus dove behind the closest rock and ate a face full of dirt. Percussive blasts rocked his eardrums as bullets screamed by from every direction. He couldn’t tell which angle they came from and hoped he was behind cover and not in front of it.

They say you never hear the shot that gets ya, and he now knew that to be true. That first bullet had whizzed inches from his ear a mere moment before the gunshot echoed in his brain. It sickened his stomach to think of that heavy lead slug exploding his skull. Which clearly Traitorous Friend With Notoriously Bad Aim had intended to do. But why?

Rock fragments exploded and sprayed the back of his head. The time had come and Cleetus was not ready to die. He drew his own weapon and gathered the courage to peer around the rock.

What he saw shocked him to the core.

#

Ok the last line was a bit over the top, but hopefully the example was at least a tiny bit illustrative.

 

[Bramandin]

Hmm, that feels like a lot of head hopping and seemingly random interjection of thoughts.

I was thinking more along these lines, generically:

Cleetus dove behind the closest rock and ate a face full of dirt. Percussive blasts rocked his eardrums and bullets screamed by from every direction. He couldn’t tell which direction they were coming from and hoped he was behind cover and not in front of it.

They say you never hear the shot that get’s ya, and he knew now that to be true. That first bullet had whizzed inches from his ear a mere moment before the gunshot echoed in his brain. It sickened his stomach to think of that heavy lead slug exploding his skull. Which obviously Traitorous Friend had intended to do. But why?

Rock fragments exploded and sprayed the back of his head. The time had come and Cleetus was not ready to die. He drew his own weapon and gathered the courage to peer around the rock.

What he saw shocked him to the core.

#

Ok the last line was a bit over the top, but hopefully the example was at least a tiny bit illustrative.

Yeah, it was head-hopping. The books I'm reading, Circle of Magic, uses a handful of characters as the POV. A good approach might have been to stick to Sam or one of his sidekicks, who wouldn't be aware of that lovely little exchange. If this were a writing exercise, I might stick with Vlad the random Cossack, but it's the wrong POV for a serious story.

And it looks like I don't got the hang of this.

 

[Timben]

Anyway, the story is too short, I have no idea how to fix it. I screwed it up somehow. Very upset over this...
Plus I have a MacGuffin that I can't seem to figure out why the Russians want it.

 

[Bramandin]

Anyway, the story is too short, I have no idea how to fix it. I screwed it up somehow. Very upset over this...
Plus I have a MacGuffin that I can't seem to figure out why the Russians want it.

It's a learning experience. What do you think went wrong, and what can you try to make it better? In my own story, I asked questions about relevant elements because I get carried away with sub-plots and side-characters. In this story, it sounds like you need to work out the villain's motivation before going in again.

 

[JS Wiig]

Anyway, the story is too short, I have no idea how to fix it. I screwed it up somehow. Very upset over this...
Plus I have a MacGuffin that I can't seem to figure out why the Russians want it.

Sometimes if you’re having troubles with something it can be beneficial to put it aside for a while and work on something else. Maybe it’s just not the story you want to tell right now.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I am guessing that this is not intended to be an intro scene. In that case, it is helpful for critquers if background information that has already been explained is given before the section. I was confused by not knowing the setting nor who was who, commandant forces vs. Cossacks vs. convicts. This made it difficult to provide evaluation.

Some technical aspects that I feel would aid the story would be to include section breaks between PoV shifts and consistent use of tense. I would add section breaks at these two points.

"That is not your concern! Do as you're told!" said sharply Colonel Gorky.

***

Sam, Chen, and Daina are pinned down by rifle fire from oncoming Cossacks riding horses closing in.

and

Sam zig-zags through the treacherous rifle fire.

***

Colonel Gorky sees Sam and points at him, shouting a command.

For tenses, the story is written in present tense (which is okay) but the dialog tags are written in past tense, which I find jarring as a reader.

One reference that I found helpful about writing fight scenes (a half hour video). Fight Scenes are Complicated - Hello Future Me

 

[Timben]

A lady that has e-mailed me wants me to re-write the story even though it's not completed and This is what will improve my story. The only problem is, that I don't understand what she is talking about. Could someone explain this a little better? I suffer from Austim and do not understand a lot of things. This is the third story of the series of Sam Cassidy and Chen Tao.

1. You need to tell the story from a main character's perspective. You're using a universal perspective, meaning the author's perspective. But the author isn't a character in your story. It took me until page four to realize that Cassidy may be the main character. It would help if you shared with the reader what Cassidy is thinking, seeing, and feeling, what he wants, what irritates him, and so on. He may or may not know who is watching if their eyes are filled with fear. He's caught in his own world, not the authors.

You need to know your main character so well, he drives your plot. A story isn't just a collection of things that happen. It's about a person responding to the world around him, and how everything helps or hinders what the main character wants to happen. Your character's wants, desires, hopes, dreams, and enemies should be evident on page four. But so far we only have a collection of scenes, not a story. That will not draw your reader in.

2. You need to brush up on your English. You can't have both past and present tense in your story. Sometimes you tell it in the present tense, sometimes in the past. You're the author. You decide which tense works the best for your story.

3. Your story (your character) needs a goal. He's trying to accomplish something. Maybe it's just getting home. Perhaps it's something grand, but by page four, no main character is defined and no goal is evident.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Timben, when you describe events you talk about them in the present tense. But when you describe dialogue you swap to the past tense. Example:

Sam, Chen, and Daina are pinned down by rifle fire from oncoming Cossacks riding horses closing in.

"Cover me!" said Sam.

The above doesn't work well for the reader. I would try sticking to the past tense for everything [Sam, Chen and Daina were pinned down......"Cover me!" said Sam.]

Regarding the POV (or 'point of view'). In a book written in the first person (I/me) the POV is quite clearly the narrator/writer. The story is told from that individual's experience. Third person (he/she) might give you some extra freedom because you can describe events that happen to more than one person. However, it still pays to have some focused points of view to tell the story...and not too many of them. If you look at Jo Zebedee's piece (An Old World Revisited) you will see that there are two characters present and the story is told in the third person. But one character (Lichio) has the POV. We learn directly what he thinks and feels. We also discover something of what Kare is thinking and feeling, but we get this through Lichio's observations of him (expressions, gestures).

I hope this helps.