Bramandin
Science fiction fantasy
- Joined
- May 5, 2022
- Messages
- 576
@redzwritez and @Lafayette I did a bit of massaging: is it any better?
This is the opening to my new story. It's a rough draft and I don't like what the grammar is doing, but I'll iron that out later. Am I doing connection to the character right, or do I need to make adjustments before I keep going?
Radley scowled from the shadows at the small shrine set into an alcove. There was a three-foot tall statue of a lady sitting on a small table. He didn’t know her name, people thought that saying it caused the goddess to grant them bad luck, but he would have spat it if he did. There were offerings surrounding her feet. Mostly the offerings were fossils and shiny pebbles, but people sometimes left mushrooms or other bits of food. His stomach clenched painfully at the sight of a ration-cake. Whatever idiot that decided to waste it on her deserved to be unlucky.
He checked to make sure the street was deserted, then he focused on his target. He darted towards the shrine, snatched the ration-cake, and turned to dart back to the shadows when he heard a man yell “Stop! Thief!”
As if he would. Not sparing a thought for ill-timing, Radley ran into an alley instead. He knew there was a shaft at the back of it. It was a tight fit, but that meant that the man wouldn’t be able to follow him.
Radley didn't get more than a glimpse of what he suddenly ran into, but the sour musk of hunter-leather filled his nose. Before he could react, it grabbed him and clamped a rough paw over his mouth. The stench was overpowering, and he realized that it was the skin of a living monster. Jigan! The fear of getting beaten fled in the face of getting eaten. He tried to scream but it was no use. It growled as if trying to speak, but he couldn’t make any sense of it.
The man, dressed in the uniform of an enforcer, entered the mouth of the alley, peered into the shadows, and swore before stomping away. Radley tried to struggle again. Why didn’t the man see them? Why couldn’t he see it before he was right on top of it?
“Shh, I won’t hurt you.” This time the jigan’s voice sounded human, like a woman’s though deep. It turned him towards herself and crouched down, keeping her paws firmly on his shoulders. “Why did you steal from the shrine? What would have happened if he caught you?”
He stared at her a moment, not quite believing that this was really happening. An intelligent jigan? He’d heard tales that they existed, but the hunters only told stories about ones that acted like animals. This one wore a dark sleeveless tunic, no doubt the rest of her was as well-muscled as her gray-skinned arms. Her dark hair had bits of metal braided into it, and there was a design drawn on her cheeks. Her mouth projected forward like the muzzle of an animal and her large ears swiveled somewhat like a cat’s. He couldn’t tell her eye-color in this light, but she stared unnervingly at him.
Finally he got enough wits to answer. He had an idea that he should run and yell for help, but it seemed that the jigan would have killed him already if she wanted to and he would likely just get himself caught while she went invisible again. “I would’ve been beaten to ‘placate the goddess against my transgression’ but if she was real that would happen all the time. I don’t got parents and no one else will just give me food.”
She snarled, he flinched at her sharp teeth, and began muttering again as she tightened her grip on his shoulders. He tried to struggle away, but his body suddenly felt like he was covered in a blanket of spiders. Everything went dark. Then Radley could see again, but everything was swirling. He would have fallen over if the jigan wasn’t still holding him. His empty stomach heaved as if he had eaten something bad instead of being empty. He breathed in unfamiliar scents as he rode it out.
“I apologize for not warning you. My name is Leti, what’s yours?”
He laughed. A jigan with a little girl’s name! He must have finally fallen asleep and this had to be some sort of weird dream. He knocked the monster’s paw off his shoulder and turned away from her. He still had the ration-cake in his hand, a bit worse for wear, and he shoved it into his mouth. He couldn’t waste food, even if it wasn’t real.
As he chewed the last of it, he looked around. It was dark, but not the dark of the tunnels leading to his nest. It reminded him of the outside, something he rarely took the trouble of going to look at, but the sky looked like it was covered in millions of tiny lights. Stars? He remembered his father telling him about the stars when he was little, but they couldn’t be seen from anywhere inside of the wall because the lights drowned them out.
“This must be overwhelming for you.” He’d almost expected Leti to disappear the moment he stopped looking at her. “I doubt anyone would have believed you if you had told them about me, but it isn’t right for a child to have to live like that.”
“What d’ya expect when I don’t got no one to look after me?”
“That there would be someone,” she spat. “Follow me.”
Radley began to think that this wasn’t a dream. The monster started walking smoothly on all fours as if he would do what she said. Did she think he was crazy? He didn’t know where he was, but he could make out light ahead of them, a sign of people. Would they help a stranger? Travelers weren’t trusted at home because the chances of surviving outside were slim unless they were davols, people who served the jigani. He wondered if the light belonged to them. A monster wouldn’t go to a human place as if she had the right to be there… except this one had.
She turned back over her shoulder. “There might be food.”
He was already considering that he should stick with her a bit longer, at least until he knew that he wasn’t running into the fire to get away from the smoke. The word ‘food’ yanked at him like a leash, and it was all he could do not to go trotting after her like a hunter’s dog. He’d done a lot of things he wasn’t proud of just to get fed, but he still didn’t know what she wanted him for. He tended not to ask questions because straining someone’s patience usually meant a slap instead of being able to earn food, and in this case he might be the food if he annoyed her.
He began walking after her. Wherever they were going, whatever she was planning to do to him, maybe it wouldn’t be too bad.
This is the opening to my new story. It's a rough draft and I don't like what the grammar is doing, but I'll iron that out later. Am I doing connection to the character right, or do I need to make adjustments before I keep going?
Radley scowled from the shadows at the small shrine set into an alcove. There was a three-foot tall statue of a lady sitting on a small table. He didn’t know her name, people thought that saying it caused the goddess to grant them bad luck, but he would have spat it if he did. There were offerings surrounding her feet. Mostly the offerings were fossils and shiny pebbles, but people sometimes left mushrooms or other bits of food. His stomach clenched painfully at the sight of a ration-cake. Whatever idiot that decided to waste it on her deserved to be unlucky.
He checked to make sure the street was deserted, then he focused on his target. He darted towards the shrine, snatched the ration-cake, and turned to dart back to the shadows when he heard a man yell “Stop! Thief!”
As if he would. Not sparing a thought for ill-timing, Radley ran into an alley instead. He knew there was a shaft at the back of it. It was a tight fit, but that meant that the man wouldn’t be able to follow him.
Radley didn't get more than a glimpse of what he suddenly ran into, but the sour musk of hunter-leather filled his nose. Before he could react, it grabbed him and clamped a rough paw over his mouth. The stench was overpowering, and he realized that it was the skin of a living monster. Jigan! The fear of getting beaten fled in the face of getting eaten. He tried to scream but it was no use. It growled as if trying to speak, but he couldn’t make any sense of it.
The man, dressed in the uniform of an enforcer, entered the mouth of the alley, peered into the shadows, and swore before stomping away. Radley tried to struggle again. Why didn’t the man see them? Why couldn’t he see it before he was right on top of it?
“Shh, I won’t hurt you.” This time the jigan’s voice sounded human, like a woman’s though deep. It turned him towards herself and crouched down, keeping her paws firmly on his shoulders. “Why did you steal from the shrine? What would have happened if he caught you?”
He stared at her a moment, not quite believing that this was really happening. An intelligent jigan? He’d heard tales that they existed, but the hunters only told stories about ones that acted like animals. This one wore a dark sleeveless tunic, no doubt the rest of her was as well-muscled as her gray-skinned arms. Her dark hair had bits of metal braided into it, and there was a design drawn on her cheeks. Her mouth projected forward like the muzzle of an animal and her large ears swiveled somewhat like a cat’s. He couldn’t tell her eye-color in this light, but she stared unnervingly at him.
Finally he got enough wits to answer. He had an idea that he should run and yell for help, but it seemed that the jigan would have killed him already if she wanted to and he would likely just get himself caught while she went invisible again. “I would’ve been beaten to ‘placate the goddess against my transgression’ but if she was real that would happen all the time. I don’t got parents and no one else will just give me food.”
She snarled, he flinched at her sharp teeth, and began muttering again as she tightened her grip on his shoulders. He tried to struggle away, but his body suddenly felt like he was covered in a blanket of spiders. Everything went dark. Then Radley could see again, but everything was swirling. He would have fallen over if the jigan wasn’t still holding him. His empty stomach heaved as if he had eaten something bad instead of being empty. He breathed in unfamiliar scents as he rode it out.
“I apologize for not warning you. My name is Leti, what’s yours?”
He laughed. A jigan with a little girl’s name! He must have finally fallen asleep and this had to be some sort of weird dream. He knocked the monster’s paw off his shoulder and turned away from her. He still had the ration-cake in his hand, a bit worse for wear, and he shoved it into his mouth. He couldn’t waste food, even if it wasn’t real.
As he chewed the last of it, he looked around. It was dark, but not the dark of the tunnels leading to his nest. It reminded him of the outside, something he rarely took the trouble of going to look at, but the sky looked like it was covered in millions of tiny lights. Stars? He remembered his father telling him about the stars when he was little, but they couldn’t be seen from anywhere inside of the wall because the lights drowned them out.
“This must be overwhelming for you.” He’d almost expected Leti to disappear the moment he stopped looking at her. “I doubt anyone would have believed you if you had told them about me, but it isn’t right for a child to have to live like that.”
“What d’ya expect when I don’t got no one to look after me?”
“That there would be someone,” she spat. “Follow me.”
Radley began to think that this wasn’t a dream. The monster started walking smoothly on all fours as if he would do what she said. Did she think he was crazy? He didn’t know where he was, but he could make out light ahead of them, a sign of people. Would they help a stranger? Travelers weren’t trusted at home because the chances of surviving outside were slim unless they were davols, people who served the jigani. He wondered if the light belonged to them. A monster wouldn’t go to a human place as if she had the right to be there… except this one had.
She turned back over her shoulder. “There might be food.”
He was already considering that he should stick with her a bit longer, at least until he knew that he wasn’t running into the fire to get away from the smoke. The word ‘food’ yanked at him like a leash, and it was all he could do not to go trotting after her like a hunter’s dog. He’d done a lot of things he wasn’t proud of just to get fed, but he still didn’t know what she wanted him for. He tended not to ask questions because straining someone’s patience usually meant a slap instead of being able to earn food, and in this case he might be the food if he annoyed her.
He began walking after her. Wherever they were going, whatever she was planning to do to him, maybe it wouldn’t be too bad.
