Bramandin
Science fiction fantasy
- Joined
- May 5, 2022
- Messages
- 576
I'm not going to do this for every chapter; if I have my feet under me now I should be able to go along a bit without help. Are there any glaring stylistic errors? Anything that's really clunky? Anything that's a potential problem that I should watch out for?
As they walked, Radley started to feel like he would slide off the edge of the world. He kept his eyes down and tried not to think about the lack of walls. Unfortunately, he had plenty more that he didn’t want to think about, like how he was following a jigan to Lady-knows-where.
The Lady. Thoughts rattled into his head like bits of lose stone. What if she was real? What if because the beatings weren’t enough to stop him from stealing offerings, she sent Leti to punish him? Why else would a jigan be in Blackrock? Part of him wanted to ask those questions and get it over with, but what if he was wrong? What would she do if he offended her?
He almost ran into Leti when she stopped. He hadn’t noticed that they came to the lights; they were standing under one that shone over a door. The door was set into what looked like a giant clay pot with a lid. He looked around and there were more of them a little bit away.
“I should have considered that it is the middle of the night,” Leti murmured. “Wait here and don’t make any noise.” She bent close to the door’s handle and spoke in a breathy whisper. Then she opened the door and slipped inside.
Radley frowned. Why did the time matter? He had no idea how jigan normally acted, but he had a feeling that she was thieving.
A minute later a light came on inside and a man’s voice asked, “Aunt Leti? What are you doing?”
“I can explain.” She poked her head out the door and said, “Come inside.”
Radley took a deep breath as he thought about running. He should have run the moment she went inside. The other had called Leti his aunt. He still didn’t have anywhere else to go, but this jigan might hurt him.
Someone was looking at Radley from behind Leti. This one was little taller than him. He had two curving horns coming out of the light-brown hair on his head, his skin was pale, and his eyes were blue. Other than that, he seemed more human than what Radley expected a jigan to look like.
Leti turned to speak to him over her shoulder. “Surely you would not begrudge him a squasher or two after I’ve shared so many of my kills with you. He’s starving.”
“There’s nothing to be afraid of.” The horned jigan smiled at him, revealing that his teeth weren’t sharp. “Do you eat meat?”
“I don’t get much meat, but I’m up for eating anything but human.” Radley was especially not proud of what he would do for a bit of rat.
“I swear on my honor that it is smoked pig.” He looked at Leti. “Do you even eat people anymore?”
Even though she spoke clearly, Radley couldn’t understand her answer. They went inside where two more horned people were standing. One was the same height as the one he’d been talking to; her skin was as dark as a trader’s, and she had red hair. The other was as tall as an adult and he looked much like Leti’s nephew, though he had marks on his cheeks like Leti. He crossed his arms and gave her a stern look.
“He’s an orphan and no one’s taking care of him. He stole food from Nocorasa’s shrine even though they would have beat him for it.” Leti turned towards Radley. “Are you ready to tell us your name? His name is Jacobi, Cobi for short,” she pointed to the first one he had seen, then to the tall one, “he’s Valmos,” she pointed to the last one, “and she’s Zigami.”
“My name’s Radley. You also said the Lady’s name; it’s bad luck.”
Leti didn’t respond to Valmos’ deliberate cough. “She’s a superstition. I had hoped that your kind would continue to blame jealous kobolds.”
“Everyone knows that elfi don’t exist.” They all laughed at Radley. “What’s so funny?”
Leti was the first to recover. “They are elfi, though the nomes call them zana. Well, Zigami is zananome. Elf is their word for person.”
“What? But…” Radley’s world spun and darkened. He dully felt himself hit something hard.
Cool hands felt at his forehead and throat. A male voice spoke but he didn’t understand. A moment later, he was lifted to a sitting position and the voice said, “Drink this.” He felt something smooth against his lips. Sweet liquid trickled into his mouth, and he swallowed some before sputtering. Radley opened his eyes to see Valmos staring at him.
“I think that you should eat before anything else.” Valmos’ words had a lilting pattern. “We can explain when you aren’t so weak from hunger.”
Valmos helped Radley to the table. The food sitting on a plate looked like slices of meat between some sort of brown ration-cake. He didn’t see anything to eat it with, so he assumed he was meant to eat with his hands. The brown stuff was tart but good, and the meat was delicious. He rinsed it down with the sweet drink.
“What were you thinking, Letitia?” Valmos asked. “You know I can’t let you keep him. Or did you forget what happened last time?”
Leti snarled. “Never accuse me of that. I couldn’t just leave him.”
Valmos did not change his expression. “You’re too soft, and have forgotten what humans are like. If his own village didn’t take care of him, what makes you think that another would? Only relatives and friends of the family take in orphans. It would be better to take him back to where you found him.”
Leti glared at him. “What about Kerwin?”
Valmos let off a string of shocked-sounding syllables and then stared at her. “You’re serious. You really think that even if Kerwin was willing to foster him that it would be a good idea?”
“Do you have a better one?” Leti asked.
“It is a good idea, Uncle,” Jacobi said. “Kerwin is looking for an apprentice. Radley looks a little younger than what he said he wanted, but maybe a child will make his wife happy.”
Valmos sighed and rubbed his face. “Alright, I will speak with him tomorrow. But Leti, if he refuses to take Radley in, you must take him home.”
Radley was stone-faced as they talked about him like he couldn’t hear them. He didn’t like decisions made for him and had even maimed a man over it once. “Don’t I get a say?”
“Of course,” Valmos said. “Leti can return you to where you came from as soon as your meal is settled, if that is your wish.”
Radley figured that going back meant that thing with the spiders again. He wasn’t eager to lose his meal, but there was another thing to consider. Just because it was the choice they made didn’t mean he should do the opposite. “Why d’ya think that Kerwin is a bad idea?”
Leti said something that Radley couldn’t understand, and Valmos responded the same way. There were a lot of elf-stories where they could speak without people being able to understand them. He’d thought it was some sort of magic when he was younger, but then he realized that it was probably like the commands that the hunters used with their dogs. Each dog had a unique set of words they understood so that the hunters could yell without fear that the dogs would get confused. He wouldn’t have known that they were arguing about him if they had done that from the start. He felt that he should at least learn more about them; being taken to an elfi-land would be a great story to tell if he did go back to Blackrock.
Jacobi said, “Let me handle this. If nothing else, it’s the middle of the night and important decisions shouldn’t be made before breakfast.” He turned towards Radley. “You can sleep in my bed if you take a bath first.”
As they walked, Radley started to feel like he would slide off the edge of the world. He kept his eyes down and tried not to think about the lack of walls. Unfortunately, he had plenty more that he didn’t want to think about, like how he was following a jigan to Lady-knows-where.
The Lady. Thoughts rattled into his head like bits of lose stone. What if she was real? What if because the beatings weren’t enough to stop him from stealing offerings, she sent Leti to punish him? Why else would a jigan be in Blackrock? Part of him wanted to ask those questions and get it over with, but what if he was wrong? What would she do if he offended her?
He almost ran into Leti when she stopped. He hadn’t noticed that they came to the lights; they were standing under one that shone over a door. The door was set into what looked like a giant clay pot with a lid. He looked around and there were more of them a little bit away.
“I should have considered that it is the middle of the night,” Leti murmured. “Wait here and don’t make any noise.” She bent close to the door’s handle and spoke in a breathy whisper. Then she opened the door and slipped inside.
Radley frowned. Why did the time matter? He had no idea how jigan normally acted, but he had a feeling that she was thieving.
A minute later a light came on inside and a man’s voice asked, “Aunt Leti? What are you doing?”
“I can explain.” She poked her head out the door and said, “Come inside.”
Radley took a deep breath as he thought about running. He should have run the moment she went inside. The other had called Leti his aunt. He still didn’t have anywhere else to go, but this jigan might hurt him.
Someone was looking at Radley from behind Leti. This one was little taller than him. He had two curving horns coming out of the light-brown hair on his head, his skin was pale, and his eyes were blue. Other than that, he seemed more human than what Radley expected a jigan to look like.
Leti turned to speak to him over her shoulder. “Surely you would not begrudge him a squasher or two after I’ve shared so many of my kills with you. He’s starving.”
“There’s nothing to be afraid of.” The horned jigan smiled at him, revealing that his teeth weren’t sharp. “Do you eat meat?”
“I don’t get much meat, but I’m up for eating anything but human.” Radley was especially not proud of what he would do for a bit of rat.
“I swear on my honor that it is smoked pig.” He looked at Leti. “Do you even eat people anymore?”
Even though she spoke clearly, Radley couldn’t understand her answer. They went inside where two more horned people were standing. One was the same height as the one he’d been talking to; her skin was as dark as a trader’s, and she had red hair. The other was as tall as an adult and he looked much like Leti’s nephew, though he had marks on his cheeks like Leti. He crossed his arms and gave her a stern look.
“He’s an orphan and no one’s taking care of him. He stole food from Nocorasa’s shrine even though they would have beat him for it.” Leti turned towards Radley. “Are you ready to tell us your name? His name is Jacobi, Cobi for short,” she pointed to the first one he had seen, then to the tall one, “he’s Valmos,” she pointed to the last one, “and she’s Zigami.”
“My name’s Radley. You also said the Lady’s name; it’s bad luck.”
Leti didn’t respond to Valmos’ deliberate cough. “She’s a superstition. I had hoped that your kind would continue to blame jealous kobolds.”
“Everyone knows that elfi don’t exist.” They all laughed at Radley. “What’s so funny?”
Leti was the first to recover. “They are elfi, though the nomes call them zana. Well, Zigami is zananome. Elf is their word for person.”
“What? But…” Radley’s world spun and darkened. He dully felt himself hit something hard.
Cool hands felt at his forehead and throat. A male voice spoke but he didn’t understand. A moment later, he was lifted to a sitting position and the voice said, “Drink this.” He felt something smooth against his lips. Sweet liquid trickled into his mouth, and he swallowed some before sputtering. Radley opened his eyes to see Valmos staring at him.
“I think that you should eat before anything else.” Valmos’ words had a lilting pattern. “We can explain when you aren’t so weak from hunger.”
Valmos helped Radley to the table. The food sitting on a plate looked like slices of meat between some sort of brown ration-cake. He didn’t see anything to eat it with, so he assumed he was meant to eat with his hands. The brown stuff was tart but good, and the meat was delicious. He rinsed it down with the sweet drink.
“What were you thinking, Letitia?” Valmos asked. “You know I can’t let you keep him. Or did you forget what happened last time?”
Leti snarled. “Never accuse me of that. I couldn’t just leave him.”
Valmos did not change his expression. “You’re too soft, and have forgotten what humans are like. If his own village didn’t take care of him, what makes you think that another would? Only relatives and friends of the family take in orphans. It would be better to take him back to where you found him.”
Leti glared at him. “What about Kerwin?”
Valmos let off a string of shocked-sounding syllables and then stared at her. “You’re serious. You really think that even if Kerwin was willing to foster him that it would be a good idea?”
“Do you have a better one?” Leti asked.
“It is a good idea, Uncle,” Jacobi said. “Kerwin is looking for an apprentice. Radley looks a little younger than what he said he wanted, but maybe a child will make his wife happy.”
Valmos sighed and rubbed his face. “Alright, I will speak with him tomorrow. But Leti, if he refuses to take Radley in, you must take him home.”
Radley was stone-faced as they talked about him like he couldn’t hear them. He didn’t like decisions made for him and had even maimed a man over it once. “Don’t I get a say?”
“Of course,” Valmos said. “Leti can return you to where you came from as soon as your meal is settled, if that is your wish.”
Radley figured that going back meant that thing with the spiders again. He wasn’t eager to lose his meal, but there was another thing to consider. Just because it was the choice they made didn’t mean he should do the opposite. “Why d’ya think that Kerwin is a bad idea?”
Leti said something that Radley couldn’t understand, and Valmos responded the same way. There were a lot of elf-stories where they could speak without people being able to understand them. He’d thought it was some sort of magic when he was younger, but then he realized that it was probably like the commands that the hunters used with their dogs. Each dog had a unique set of words they understood so that the hunters could yell without fear that the dogs would get confused. He wouldn’t have known that they were arguing about him if they had done that from the start. He felt that he should at least learn more about them; being taken to an elfi-land would be a great story to tell if he did go back to Blackrock.
Jacobi said, “Let me handle this. If nothing else, it’s the middle of the night and important decisions shouldn’t be made before breakfast.” He turned towards Radley. “You can sleep in my bed if you take a bath first.”
