The Preacher's Knife

Damiynn

Fantasy Author
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May 1, 2005
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I am a fantasy author, who has traveled the world.
Please just look over.

Seeing lawmen crouched in front of a friend’s house at night with their guns drawn, makes you wonder what the hell is going on.

Pushing back my long coat, I uncovered the worn leather of my cross-draw rig, slung cavalry style, on my left hip. My SW model 3’s wooden grip glinted under the streetlamp’s light. I was hoping I wouldn’t need it.

The house that the two locals were crouched in front of belonged to a man I had known since boyhood.

This side of Denver was not as nice as some, but people weren’t shot first and asked questions later here either. This side of town was supposed to be civilized. Hell, there were even streetlights.

If I drew my weapon and used it here, my boss would chew my ass out again about doing so around the good citizens when I didn’t need to. I could hear his gruff growling in my head.

“Discretion Marshal Mollon! Denver isn’t Dodge City or Deadwood. Denver is modern. Modern cities don’t require gunfights or magical duels on the streets at the slightest provocation. We are supposed to be civilized, and city folks like to hear or read about gunfights. They do not want to participate in them.”

Coughing slightly, I let the two hunkered down local lawmen know I was behind them. They whipped their heads about at the sound but visibly relaxed when they saw the silver star pinned to my coat.

With a friendly gesture, I thumbed back the brim of my hat. “Can I help, gentlemen? I know the man who lives there.”

The older and more seasoned of the pair motioned me over. Casting a glance at the house, he said, “Maybe, Marshal. The fella inside, I think he is a trader of some sort, well, he killed a man in a drunken brawl. He also cut four more associates of the dead man within a few inches of their lives with a rune-marked blade. Their wounds won’t heal properly. We need to bring him in for questioning and figure out what kind of runes are on his knife so that a healer can save the others, but he won’t come out.”

My eyes flicked from the older officer and onto the younger one, assessing him. Unlike his partner, his features were an angry shade of red, and he had a death-like grip on his pistol. Questioning looked like the last thing on his mind.

Keeping my voice neutral, I said, “How about you let me take a stab at him? As I said, I know the man. We go back several years. He might surrender to me. Maybe, even before your partner does something unlawful, like filling him full of holes.”

The older lawman snapped his gaze towards his partner. Seeing the gun in his clenched fist, he gave him a disapproving look. Then, shaking his head reproachfully, he said, “Whatever works, Marshall. We just want to get to the bottom of this and save those other men.”

Nodding, I called out over the fence in a friendly tone, “Minor, can you hear me?”

I paused, hoping he would recognize my voice, then said, “There are police out here saying you were in a fracas earlier. It isn’t worth the fight you’ll get into with these fellows if you keep up these shenanigans. These lawmen don't have all the details yet about what happened. I would rather not see you dead for something that might not be your fault. How bout you toss out your weapon and surrender yourself into my custody? You can tell me your side, and I will see that you are treated fairly.”

No sounds came from the house. Unlike the others on this block, which were well kept and neat, Minor's house looked like it had fallen into disrepair. It definitely had seen better days.

A heavy clanking filled the air just as I was about to call out again. It sounded like someone tripping over a potbellied stove.

“Iiis that youuu M..Marshal Mollon?” called a slurred voice near one of the broken window panes. “I ssshouldn’t have to go anywhere! I didn’t do anyt’ing wrong!”

Shaking my head, I let out an exasperated sigh. I had warned Minor that drowning himself in a bottle every night would eventually get him into trouble. Nadine, bless her departed soul, wouldn’t want him living his life this way. He needed to get a better handle on his grief.

“Them men’s in that saloon Kaiden, I mean Mashal,” Minor called out through the broken window, “theyyy had it coming. Someone needed to shut their mouths and stop their hands. They were speaking badly to the ladies, and the one I stopped who started to pull a gun on me, well, he was abusing a squaw in a way that no man should have been doing to any woman.”

Immediately I felt my temper flare up in a flash of heat. It spread like wildfire through my body at Minor’s statement. Quickly I squashed it. My personal feelings had no place here.

Taking a deep breath, I said as jovially as I could manage, turning back to the two local lawmen. “He claims he did nothing wrong, gentlemen, and from what I just heard, I am not sure if he did.”

I saw the angry glowing eyes of the second lawman as his fingers tightened even more around his pistol’s grip. I wondered if the man Minor had killed or if his injured companions were his acquaintances.

“Who the hell cares about a damn squaw! Or how she was treated, Marshal!” he spat out the words like a curse. “No one gives a damn about what happens to one of them. He killed a white man over a damned injun, and he did it using magic. He turned him into ash Marshall with an electrical glyph, and now, he’s refusing to lower his defenses so we can arrest him. It ain’t right him defying the law or killing anyone over an injun.”

The first lawman must have been more observant. The look he flashed my way showed that he had seen what his partner had not in the light from the overhead streetlamp. Dropping his hand to his partner’s shoulder, he shot him a pointed look. The second lawman had not looked carefully at me.

Coughing, the old lawman flicked his eyes nervously between us. Then, he said quickly, in what I assumed was a calming manner, “And every witness said he used that glyph in self-defense Officer Payton.” The second cop grunted, then saw the alarmed look on his partner’s face.

Glancing upwards for the first time, he looked directly into my face. Recognition filled his eyes. I watched as the blood drained rapidly out of his face.

Something dangerous must have flickered in my eyes. The local lawman immediately skittered backward a few steps, and his pistol dropped like magic back into its holster.

Most in these parts knew me by sight. I tried not to influence it. However, reputations carried weight in the territories. Most people knew mine. They knew I was a half-blood, half Irish, and half Sioux. My reputation and actions showed that I was deadly with a gun or magic. It was also said I protected Indians just as fast as whites, and I upheld the law for all races.

The blood continued draining from the second lawman’s face until he was pale as a linen bed sheet. Then, he realized I had not drawn my gun. Slowly, almost deliberately, he slid his shaking hand away from the holster. As he turned his face away, I saw him swallow noticeably.

Keeping a tight grip on my temper at the mention of a squaw being assaulted and it not meaning anything, I let out another long breath. Slowly I counted to four. Then, as my anger faded, I moved my hand off the butt of my pistol. When had I put it there? I didn’t remember moving it.

Focusing my attention on the beaten-down house, I called out again, “Minor, one lawman thinks you might be innocent. The other one, well, I think he disagrees. He believes people should be allowed to abuse women just because of their heritage. How bout I come inside, and we’ll talk like gentlemen? We can determine together who is right here and who is wrong.”

“Iii don’t know, Kaiden, I mean Marshal.”

I turned again to the more sensible of the lawmen. “You said you had witnesses?”

“Yes, Marshal,” he answered, “and they said he did nothing wrong, said he was protecting that squaw and some other women from those men. A few said he was provoked into defending himself as five of them ganged up on him for speaking out.”
 
Pushing back my long coat, I uncovered the worn leather of my cross-draw rig, slung cavalry style, on my left hip. My SW model 3’s wooden grip glinted under the streetlamp’s light.
There are a lot of adjectives here. It feels forced. Perhaps you can spread the descriptions out a bit.

Discretion Marshal Mollon! Denver isn’t Dodge City or Deadwood. Denver is modern. Modern cities don’t require gunfights or magical duels on the streets at the slightest provocation. We are supposed to be civilized, and city folks like to hear or read about gunfights. They do not want to participate in them
This long speech slows the pace. It added backstory, but detracted from my immersion. It is even more distracting for being someone else's speech, recollected.

take a stab at him
Intentional humor?

snapped his gaze
There is an overuse of gaze related verbs so far. It bothers my reading flow.

Iiis that youuu M..Marshal Mollon?
Later on he repeatedly lets "Kaiden" slip out before correcting himself. Why would he not do it this time? In any case, we already know he's a friend. Perhaps remove the initial intro saying he's a friend and reveal this later in things like this. Also the slips into "Kaiden" and subsequent correction happen to often.

There are police out here saying you were in a fracas earlier. It isn’t worth the fight you’ll get into with these fellows if you keep up these shenanigans. These lawmen don't have all the details yet about what happened. I would rather not see you dead for something that might not be your fault. How bout you toss out your weapon and surrender yourself into my custody? You can tell me your side, and I will see that you are treated fairly.
This repetition to Minor of a conversation we have already heard happen between Kaiden and the Lawmen slows the pace and is duplication. There should be a way to order this such that the conversation is not duplicated, even though in an actual recording this is what we would have heard.

It sounded like someone tripping over a potbellied stove
Unintentionally comic? Is potbellied stove an actual name for a type of stove?

he spat out
Who?

I think I understand the premise. I feel it needs more tightening up: information is repeated where it doesn't need to be, and slows the pace. I felt that this affected most parts of the narrative, especially the denouement which can be made more punchy.

Keep writing!
 
Seeing lawmen crouched in front of a friend’s house at night with their guns drawn, makes you wonder what the hell is going on.
This sentence doesn't work. The comma isn't correct, and you are trying for a folksy, Western feel to the language that is belied by the length and details in the sentence. The sentence is also a little passive and on the nose - of course you'd say "what the hell?", but the set up feels like it should be something charming and maybe funny.
"Lawmen, guns drawn, crouched in the scrub out front ol' Minor's house. They don't look like they're here to trade for alfalfa."
I'm picking apart that sentence, but the whole piece could use a more genuine voice for the character. Either write him straight, or put some twang in the way he tells his yarn.

cross-draw rig, slung cavalry style, on my left hip.
Tech point: Cross draw and cavalry style are mutually exclusive. Cavalry is worn strong side, but with the butt forward so you can also draw it with the other hand.

They knew I was a half-blood, half Irish, and half Sioux.
If it were me, I would avoid getting specific about Native Americans. You're doing a magic book with a character that comes from a culture with its own "magic" beliefs. Avoid the cultural landmine. I'd have the character describe himself as he's heard others talk about him. "In these parts they say I'm half Sioux, and that's the good half, considering the Irish." That way you aren't actually saying that your character's abilities and beliefs are specific to a particular indigenous culture.

Overall, the narrator needs an authentic and/or consistent voice. I recommend shorter sentences like a cowboy or hard boiled detective. Don't stretch things out too much - Minor's name and relationship is brought up and not resolved at least three times. And consider keeping the exposition about magic stuff to a minimum. The reader will be interested enough in the story and the mystery of a "rune knife" to keep reading until they are explained later.

I think you have an intriguing set up. Definitely worth refining.
 
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This was difficult to read through. I had to push myself to read through it.

I get it is in Denver, but I have no idea the time period. Nineteenth century, but has streetlights? Twentieth century, but someone says squaw? The few months I lived near there, or the many times I have gone through Denver, I never heard anyone say squaw. Twenty-first century? Nothing referenced to that, like cell phones or the legal marijuana or the Broncos with their two Super Bowl wins.

Sometimes I it read as present tense, and sometimes as past tense.

I think this might work. How to mix the fantasy with the setting needs to be worked out more. Also, even in fantasy, the interactions between the characters needs to seem realistic. This interaction didn't seem realistic between three individuals from two different law enforcement agencies.
 
Pushing back my long coat, I uncovered the worn leather of my cross-draw rig, slung cavalry style, on my left hip. My SW model 3’s wooden grip glinted under the streetlamp’s light. I was hoping I wouldn’t need it.
Info dumping like this is irksome.
Surely he'd just say "I got ready to draw"

If you were getting your phone out you'd just say "I took out my phone" and not "I took out my Motorola G 5g Plus in it's blue faux leather flip wallet"
 
This all feels quite passive for what should otherwise be a tense scene. The character wanders in, watches stuff, talks a lot, feels a bit angry. You've also fallen for the trap of describing everything as if watching a film, rather than as a character experience. The result is that there are lots of pointless physical details/actions to look at but not real feeling that you're inside the head of someone else with their own unique drives and motivations and experiences. If you want to learn about POV use, try reading Save the Cat by Snyder. :)
 
@PadreTX 1910-1916 I would think, being from there.

@Damiynn In addition to what everyone else said, I would use a Thesaurus and see if you can get a copy of The Emotion Thesaurus too, both are of great help.

I don't know if you are from or near Denver, but I would get a time frame and also do some more general cultural research on the tribs here too (Utes, Arapaho, Cheyenne.) Each one is going to have its own unique style of magic. Further east or south there will be other influences from those tribs due to trade and travel but due so appropriately. (Remember crafts, leather works-seems you have- and jewelry, regional and trade.) This would tell us what tribe your MC is a halfbreed of, thus his magic style.

It's unclear as to what the influence to your world is; D&D, Herry Potter, Magical Beasts, Onward? What are the Westerns that influenced you? Whatever they are, I would make your story a twist on them both so that the readers can 'get it' and enjoy the story.

Self-adjusting gunbelts for the perfect fast draw? Now what tribe would make that and why? Could be a plot twist.;)

Thanks for submitting and hope my two bits' worth help and keep going!
 
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Is this a fantasy Western? The characters seem unrealistically articulate. I would also suggest reading up on Western slang. Other than that and a few details pointed out already, I didn't think it was that bad.
 

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