Blurb comments please

Stephen Palmer

Stephen Palmer

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Comments welcome on this novel blurb. Ta!

............

Halfie

Being told to make the choice before sundown comes as a complete surprise for Alfreda Chandler.

Halfie, as she is known, has an elf mother and a human father, and one sunny Whit Saturday is told she must choose between the two worlds. When she chooses the elf world but spoils the welcoming ceremony, a chain of events is set off which turns her summer upside-down.

Is her school friend Billy just a chip off his curmudgeonly father's block? And who exactly is the Wise Woman living in the barn? Caught between two worlds and a misfit in both, Halfie must decide which one to turn to and trust before the summer ends.
 
How light a tone does it have? Are there comedic elements? I think that would alter some of the phrasing I'd use and how I'd present the story.
 
I have to say it seems a tad repetitive, but also confusing -- eg if she's chosen once, why has she the summer to decide? -- and overall it doesn't do much for me.

My very rough idea of structure, to give it perhaps a bit more oomph:

Alfreda Chandler -- Halfie -- has a choice to make, and only hours to decide.​
​
Half-human, half-elf, [*1] [on her 13th birthday *2] she's required to choose which realm will be her home. But her choice is blighted at the welcoming ceremony, [bit of explanation here?] and she doesn't know who to trust.​
​
Caught between two worlds, a misfit in both, she [has to do something interesting and important] or [consequences if she gets things wrong]​
​

*1 -- does she know this? If not, make more of it
*2 -- I'm guessing it isn't her birthday, but "sunny Whit Saturday" isn't terribly engaging, so that's a place-holder for something a little more dramatic

But as Toby says, if it's more light-hearted or comedic, rather than world-shattering, then the whole tenor needs to be different.
 
It thought this came across as a light hearted YA novel. I agree with Judge about the repition and confusion.
I really liked this line "Caught between two worlds and a misfit in both" and the idea of her having to choose between two worlds works as a nice hook and something that piques my interest.
But it sounds like you spoil the results of her choice "When she chooses the elf world..." And that removes all the energy from the hook.
 
Although I don't feel remotely qualified to comment, @Stephen Palmer, I would echo the above comments that it's tone is quite whimsical, and 'two worlds' does stick out as a clear repetition in such a small passage. I suppose if I was being really picky, the closing line doesn't particularly grab me. The opening line is superb, though.
 
Stephen Palmer said:
Being told to make the choice before sundown comes as a complete surprise for Alfreda Chandler.

Halfie, as she is known, has an elf mother and a human father, and one sunny Whit Saturday is told she must choose between the two worlds. When she chooses the elf world but spoils the welcoming ceremony, a chain of events is set off which turns her summer upside-down.

Is her school friend Billy just a chip off his curmudgeonly father's block? And who exactly is the Wise Woman living in the barn? Caught between two worlds and a misfit in both, Halfie must decide which one to turn to and trust before the summer ends.
Click to expand...
Is this a common scenario that makes it the choice, or is it odd because half-elves are so uncommon that she goes by Halfie? Is it then "a choice", being one off?

Is "Whit Sunday" a day of the week? A holiday like Palm Sunday? It reads like a character name.

"...chooses the elf world, but spoils..." I would characterize the events rather than the generic "chain of events". "...calamity turn summer upside-down." Also, "her summer" has already been thrown in the dust bin by suddenly having to move.

Is being possibly curmudgeonly interesting to perspective readers? Should we care about the who of the Wise Woman, or what she might be doing? The last line suggests that the first line is a lie - if she has all summer to choose, what is special about deciding by sundown?
 
Stephen Palmer said:
Like I said, this one is proving very resistant to blurbing!
Click to expand...
I think it just needs focus. If it is serious the focus would be her jeopardy, not the curious nature of other characters' personalities. Being a curmudgeon isn't a threat.
 
My standard (slightly cheesy) formula for blurbs is:

1) Say who the character is (ie why they're important)
2) Say what change of circumstances or threat has arisen
3) Say what the stakes are
4) Say what they must do (3 and 4 can often be swapped).

Sometimes, you might want to do this for two people, if you can do it briefly enough. So, for The Imposters, I had:

1) Helen is a robot reprogrammed for the Secret Service
2) She is expensive to run and now there is no war for her to fight
3) She fears being shut down for budget reasons
4) She must take a high-stakes mission to justify her existence

which I then turned into slightly better prose for the blurb.

This is a bit reductionist and best-suited to thriller-type plots, but the basic idea of person - threat - worst outcome - action can be varied quite a lot before it falls apart. I have a copy of A Game of Thrones, which has many viewpoints, but uses this formula for only one character on the back. I hope this helps!
 
The blurb sparks my interest. I'd take a closer look at the cover to see if I want to read this book.

However, one important change I'd recommend. The first sentence is written in passive voice -- "being told". You want an active verb in those first few words, not a passive lead-in.

So I'd change --
"Being told to make the choice before sundown comes as a complete surprise for Alfreda Chandler."

to something more like --

"They confronted Alfreda with a hard choice. And she had to make it by sundown."

I'm sure you can up with something better than I did, but you get the idea.

I hope this might be helpful.
 
OK... I'm still wrestling with this. I now have:-

.

Alfreda's parents confront her one day with a difficult decision. Half human, half elf, she must choose which of the two realms is to be her home - and all before sundown.

Yet even after she makes her choice there is worse to come, as forces from both realms fight to control her. Caught between two worlds and a misfit in both, she must balance the needs of her fragile mother and her cynical father just to survive.

And then her decision is challenged from an unexpected direction...
 
I like this and it conveys enough about the story to interest me.

One minor nit, the "Caught between two worlds" phrase feels repetitive. I feel the two worlds idea is conveyed both in the first paragraph and then again in the lead sentence of the second paragraph. Perhaps omit it and start the sentence with "A misfit in both worlds, ...."

Overall, it conveys to me what I expect out of a blurb. It gives me genre, identifies a protagonist, and tells me the broad plot line.
 
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