Blurb Critique

[Toby Frost]

This is the draft blurb for the fantasy novel I've been writing. It's the third in a trilogy, but it's a stand-alone novel in its own right. I'd be grateful for any thoughts anyone might have. It seems a little short to me, but maybe it isn't. I'm also slightly wary as to what a typical fantasy reader is going to know in terms of technical vocabulary: I suppose "undead" is reasonable, but is "revenant"?


For a thousand years, the undead sorcerer Constantin Leth has plagued the world with his evil magic. Now there’s a huge bounty on his head, and Giulia Degarno intends to collect it.

But when Leth springs a trap on his pursuers, Giulia’s mission becomes personal. To bring Leth to justice, she will need the help of Pietro Sepello, an ambitious hunter of the living dead, and Prince Mavlio DeFalci, the scheming ruler of the city-state of Astrago. Somehow, they will have to work together, or die.

But Leth has plans of his own, plans centuries in the making. Soon Giulia faces not just one man, but a nation [an army?] of the living dead.

 

[sule]

Quick thoughts:
The first paragraph did feel too short for me, I guess I would have liked a little more detail. Specifically, I was slightly thrown off by the jump from the first sentence to the second - my thought was, if he's been around for a thousand years, why is there a huge bounty on his head "now"?

Second paragraph is good. Maybe the first sentence felt a bit vague. I don't like the "somehow" in the final sentence, but that could just be an involuntary negative reaction to the word "somehow" conditioned into me by Rise of Skywalker.

I like "nation of the living dead" more than "army of the living dead." It feels bigger, and less over-used than "army." But if "army" is the more accurate descriptor, then army should probably be the way to go.

 

[HareBrain]

I think overall it works fine. It prompts a couple of questions I'd prefer a bit more info on.

Giulia’s mission becomes personal.

Why personal?

Somehow, they will have to work together, or die.

Why "somehow"? You haven't hinted at any conflict between them.

 

[Wayne Mack]

In general I like it, but the second paragraph feels out of order. I would strike the last sentence in that paragraph and move the first sentence to the end. After that change, I feel that the first sentence in the third paragraph isn'necessaryt . Does this still convey what you want from the blurb?

For a thousand years, the undead sorcerer Constantin Leth has plagued the world with his evil magic. Now there’s a huge bounty on his head, and Giulia Degarno intends to collect it.

To bring Leth to justice, she will need the help of Pietro Sepello, an ambitious hunter of the living dead, and Prince Mavlio DeFalci, the scheming ruler of the city-state of Astrago. But when Leth springs a trap on his pursuers, Giulia’s mission becomes personal.

Soon Giulia faces not just one man, but a nation [an army?] of the living dead.

 

[alexvss]

This is the draft blurb for the fantasy novel I've been writing. It's the third in a trilogy, but it's a stand-alone novel in its own right. I'd be grateful for any thoughts anyone might have. It seems a little short to me, but maybe it isn't. I'm also slightly wary as to what a typical fantasy reader is going to know in terms of technical vocabulary: I suppose "undead" is reasonable, but is "revenant"?


For a thousand years, the undead sorcerer Constantin Leth has plagued the world with his evil magic. Now there’s a huge bounty on his head, and Giulia Degarno intends to collect it.

But when Leth springs a trap on his pursuers, Giulia’s mission becomes personal. To bring Leth to justice, she will need the help of Pietro Sepello, an ambitious hunter of the living dead, and Prince Mavlio DeFalci, the scheming ruler of the city-state of Astrago. Somehow, they will have to work together, or die.

But Leth has plans of his own, plans centuries in the making. Soon Giulia faces not just one man, but a nation [an army?] of the living dead.

I kept wondering who this Giulia is. A bounty hunter? And what are her powers? How does she plan to beat this immortal guy? It seems that she’s the protagonist; yet, she was the less described element in your blurb.

Also, as blurbs go, it didn’t do much to try to convince someone to read the book. I thought that what separates blurbs from synopsis and loglines is that they praise the text in the most partial way possible. They should be argumentative and not just descriptive.

 

[HareBrain]

I thought that what separates blurbs from synopsis and loglines is that they praise the text in the most partial way possible.

There are two kinds of book blurb, the back-cover plot blurb and then one or more short blurbs of the kind you're talking about, either by the publisher or other authors, press etc.

 

[Toby Frost]

Sorry, I probably should have said "back-cover synopsis" to be clear.

Why personal?

A major secondary character is killed off early on, and the first half of the novel is about Giulia trying to get revenge. I'm reluctant to spell this out, in case it puts people off, especially since things turn out to be not as clear-cut as all that.

I think "nation" or "army" would work, although "army" is probably more accurate and I agree that "nation" sounds better. I don't want it to seem too George Romero. Maybe I should put in a bit more about Mavlio and Sepello being dangerous men with their own (hidden) agendas. That might clarify the blurb a bit.

Thanks - I'll put a revised version up soon.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

This is the draft blurb for the fantasy novel I've been writing. It's the third in a trilogy, but it's a stand-alone novel in its own right. I'd be grateful for any thoughts anyone might have. It seems a little short to me, but maybe it isn't. I'm also slightly wary as to what a typical fantasy reader is going to know in terms of technical vocabulary: I suppose "undead" is reasonable, but is "revenant"?


For a thousand years, the undead sorcerer Constantin Leth has plagued the world with his evil magic. Now there’s a huge bounty on his head, and Giulia Degarno intends to collect it.

But when Leth springs a trap on his pursuers, Giulia’s mission becomes personal. To bring Leth to justice, she will need the help of Pietro Sepello, an ambitious hunter of the living dead, and Prince Mavlio DeFalci, the scheming ruler of the city-state of Astrago. Somehow, they will have to work together, or die.

But Leth has plans of his own, plans centuries in the making. Soon Giulia faces not just one man, but a nation [an army?] of the living dead.

I'd consider tightening the sentences up a bit and not mentioning the trap in the second paragraph. It raises questions that I suspect you don't want to answer in the blurb. EG:


For a thousand years, the undead sorcerer Constantin Leth has plagued the world with his evil magic. There's a huge bounty on his head. Giulia Degarno intends to collect.

Giulia's mission is personal. To bring Leth to justice she will need the help of...

I think it says everything you need to. You could consider doing something similar to the Book Thief blurb to make it appear longer. Shorter sentences/one liners. Along these lines:


For a thousand years, the undead sorcerer Constantin Leth has plagued the world with his evil magic.

There's a huge bounty on his head.

Giulia Degarno's mission is personal. She intends to collect.

To bring Leth to justice, she will need the help of Pietro Sepello, an ambitious hunter of the living dead, and Prince Mavlio DeFalci, the scheming ruler of the city-state of Astrago. Somehow, they will have to work together, or die.

Leth has plans of his own that have been centuries in the making.

Giulia faces not just one man but an entire army of the living dead.

 

[msstice]

I think reordering the last paragraph into the middle makes more causal sense to me (Leth is more powerful than Giulia thinks, hence it becomes a do or die mission), but I don't really know the story.

When Giulia Degarno first set out to collect the lucrative bounty on the undead sorcerer Constantin Leth's head, it was just business. Then it became personal. To bring Leth to justice, Giulia seeks out the help of Pietro Sepello, an ambitious hunter of the living dead, and Prince Mavlio DeFalci, the scheming ruler of the city-state of Astrago. But Leth has plans of his own, plans centuries in the making and soon Giulia faces not a man, but a host of the living dead. She and her uneasy allies have to bury their differences or die.

 

[AllanR]

my thoughts...
after thousands of years why is there 'now' a bounty. did the undead sorcerer up the stakes? Maybe state the urgency?
bounty hunting seems optional, takes away from the urgency of 'they will have to work together, or die.' Couldn't they just elect to not hunt for the bounty?

undead I think is fine and well understood --revenant less so, though the target audience might know it (word is familiar to me from table top rpgs) on ngram undead is about ten times more common in use than revenant. (my spell checker underlines both words)

 

[autoretscriptor]

I like it. It's short, to the point, and (most importantly) intriguing. After reading your blurb, I wanted to take a closer look at the other cover information or inside flaps to see if I wanted to buy this book.

So you're setting the hook. Fantastic! That's exactly what a blurb has to accomplish.

But -- I would make one important change. You have 4 long, strange names in the blurb that slowed me down when I read it -- Constantin Leth, Guilia Degarno, Pietro Sepello, and Prince Mavlio Defalci, scheming ruler of the city-state of Astrago.

The names are irrelevant to setting the hook. And you don't want to make the reader WORK to read your blurb!

So simplify those names to make the blurb read easier and faster.

I would shorten the names to Leth, Degarno, Sepello, and Prince Defalci, a scheming city-state ruler. (Or use their first names if you like, it doesn't matter.)

My personal take is that this is much more effective --

"For a thousand years, the undead sorcerer Leth has plagued the world with his evil magic. Now there’s a huge bounty on his head, and Degarno intends to collect it.

But when Leth springs a trap on his pursuers, Degarno’s mission becomes personal. To bring Leth to justice, she will need the help of Sepello, an ambitious hunter of the living dead, and Prince DeFalci, a scheming city-state ruler. Somehow, they will have to work together, or die.

But Leth has plans of his own, plans centuries in the making. Soon Degarno faces not just one man, but an army of the living dead!"

 

[Swank]

For a thousand years, the undead sorcerer Constantin Leth has plagued the world with his evil magic. Now there’s a huge bounty on his head, and Giulia Degarno intends to collect it.

But when Leth springs a trap on his pursuers, Giulia’s mission becomes personal. To bring Leth to justice, she will need the help of Pietro Sepello, an ambitious hunter of the living dead, and Prince Mavlio DeFalci, the scheming ruler of the city-state of Astrago. Somehow, they will have to work together, or die.

But Leth has plans of his own, plans centuries in the making. Soon Giulia faces not just one man, but a nation [an army?] of the living dead.

I think you've received some very good edits. So I'm going to point out a couple of things about how this is written that are general writing issues:

The word choices are sometimes unsophisticated. Phrases like "huge bounty", "evil magic" or the straight-to-video "intends to collect it"or "centuries in the making" come off as almost comical. Like a movie trailer in a Seinfeld episode. There are all sorts of more interesting things to say about someone's sorcery or bounty than "evil" or "huge". Avoid boilerplate stuff like "...not just one man, but an army..."

And your punctuation is not correct. You can't just put commas wherever it seems like there might be a pause.
Somehow, they will have to work together; or die.
But Leth has plans of his own - plans centuries in the making.
Most people cannot tell you what's wrong with punctuation, but they can sense that the sentence is divided up in a way that diffuses emphasis and lacks clarity.


The primary reason I wouldn't read this book is that blurb is not written with much care. The language is hoary and the grammar imprecise. If the blurb isn't lovingly crafted, what are the chances the whole chapters will be better? I think you're trying to duplicate some formula, and the result is a Madlibs of fantasy stuff. Pretend this is the 75 word contest and write like that. I'm sure you are a better writer in general, and you are just caught up in the formula you think is necessary to sell books.

 

[Appello]

I dig it, Toby! My edits in red which are pretty minor and could mostly be construed as personal choice, but just fwiw

For a thousand years, the undead sorcerer Constantin Leth has plagued the world with his evil magic. Now there’s a huge bounty on his head, and Giulia Degarno intends to collect it.

But when Leth springs a trap on his pursuers, Giulia’s mission becomes personal. To bring Leth to justice, she will need the help of Pietro Sepello, an ambitious hunter of the living dead, and Prince Mavlio DeFalci, the scheming ruler of the city-state of Astrago. Somehow, they will have to find a way to work together, or die.

But Leth has plans of his own, plans centuries in the making. Soon Giulia faces not just one man, but an army. A nation of the living dead, who will stop at nothing to - blah blah.

The last line is probably superfluous, but I kinda like both turns of phrases, the army and a nation of the living dead, so I thought this could be a nice way to get both in there, and end the line with some kind of dramatic bang XD

My 0.02 : )

 

[NurAL]

This is the draft blurb for the fantasy novel I've been writing. It's the third in a trilogy, but it's a stand-alone novel in its own right. I'd be grateful for any thoughts anyone might have. It seems a little short to me, but maybe it isn't. I'm also slightly wary as to what a typical fantasy reader is going to know in terms of technical vocabulary: I suppose "undead" is reasonable, but is "revenant"?


For a thousand years, the undead sorcerer Constantin Leth has plagued the world with his evil magic. Now there’s a huge bounty on his head, and Giulia Degarno intends to collect it.

But when Leth springs a trap on his pursuers, Giulia’s mission becomes personal. To bring Leth to justice, she will need the help of Pietro Sepello, an ambitious hunter of the living dead, and Prince Mavlio DeFalci, the scheming ruler of the city-state of Astrago. Somehow, they will have to work together, or die.

But Leth has plans of his own, plans centuries in the making. Soon Giulia faces not just one man, but a nation [an army?] of the living dead.

You can give more information on the consequences of the trap that Leth sprung. Overall, it's a pretty strong blurb.