The Earthers Must Die - Part 2 of 6.

CultureCitizen

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"There's a rain programmed in half an hour," warned Renan.

"Yes, it's okay, I like the rain," Alena said.

Renan agreed to move to one of the tables on the terrace.

“Why do you always prefer the interior, Renan?”

“Security. Interiors are secure. Doors can be closed and made airtight. There's an emergency tunnel connecting all the buildings. The exteriors are dangerous.”

“For all the gods, Renan. It's a triple-layered dome. The outer layer could collapse and you would never know.'

“It's a habit, I guess,” he said with a sigh. “there weren't many open spaces when I was a child. The first dome was built just twelve years ago and I was already used to underground bases by then.”

They used the table's touch screen to order drinks. Renan ordered iced tea with lemon and Alena ordered orange juice. Five minutes later, an old wheeled robot arrived with their drinks and skewers of roasted pumpkin, peppers, and onions. Alena took seven pieces and put them on her plate.
“How was your day, Renan?”

“Pretty good. Turing explained to us the principles governing the columnar structures of neural networks. The question and answer session went on and that's why we left late.”

“That's strange,' said Alena, frowning. “That an AI gives lectures on its own functioning.”

“That's only because I'm still in training. My role will change once I've passed the intermediate level. The next step is to find theories to explain the response patterns of different neural networks...or so I hope.”

A light breeze began to fall from a thousand nozzles located in the dome. The umbrella in the center of the table opened automatically. Renan approached the table to avoid getting his back wet.

"How's your research on cancer going?"

"Today I finished a series of experiments to define the treatment protocol. According to Gene, in the best case scenario it could extend the lives of patients by five years."

"That sounds good."

"No, it's not good enough," Alena replied, shaking her head. "I've been working with the molecular editor for two years to find a treatment that will achieve total remission. I even modified several nanobots created by another lab section to scan specific sequences and repair them if possible, or trigger apoptosis if the damage is irreversible."

"Like a cycle redundancy check?"

"Yes, something like that."

"What went wrong?" Renan asked.

Alena looked at the sky in a desperate gesture.

"I don't know, Renan. It's not as simple as finding an error in a piece of code: I'll have to review all the tests, make hypotheses and do more experiments. That, and repeat the test with tissue where I didn't introduce the oncovirus."

Renan remained silent while he chewed on the skewered vegetables with a distant look. The robot brought them several more: gluten meat, some beef and lab-grown chicken meat. Alena served herself half of each.

Finally, Renan came out of his trance and asked:

"Do you insert the nanobots before or after the oncovirus?"
"After, why?"

"Maybe you should insert them before."

"But then it wouldn't be a treatment for curing cancer."

"No." But it probably is an effective treatment to prevent it.

"Yes," she replied after a while, "maybe you're right."

Renan served himself the rest of the three skewers. After finishing, he paid the bill: eight Pergs.

"Will you accompany me to my apartment?" Maybe I could help you with that back pain.

"Renan! Don't you even start!"

It wasn't the first time Renan proposed spending the night in his apartment. Renan seemed attractive to her despite his extreme thinness and being half a meter taller than her, and she enjoyed being with him. The only problem was that Renan was a hardened womanizer and she wasn't willing to become part of his collection.

"Anyway, I'll accompany you to your dormitory, Alena."

They walked a kilometer to the east, to the base area closest to Mount Olympus. It was a new area, with a very different architecture from the rest of the base. Renan was continuously surprised by the shape of the building that housed the simulated gravity dormitories: it looked like a hill covered in vegetation from which several streams descended, forming waterfalls and pools. Inside the building, each floor rotated once every twenty-two seconds to simulate Earth's gravity. Alena said goodbye to Renan with a kiss on the corner of her lips and descended a staircase that led to the building's access tunnel. She walked eighty meters through the wide hallway to the center of the building. There, she boarded the elevator and went up to the third floor, where her room was located. She emerged into a narrow circular hallway with four horizontal elevators, she walked to the nearest elevator, which silently advanced to the rim of the building. Upon exiting, she felt slightly dizzy. She waited a few seconds to get used to the Coriolis effect, the incline of the floor, and her new weight. She walked several meters down the narrow circular hallway until she found her room. She placed her palm on the reader and entered.

The interior was austere: a bed, a desk with drawers, a wardrobe, a small bathroom, and a screen that simulated a window with a view to the outside. She undressed, lay down on the bed, and fell asleep almost immediately.

The next day she got up early to repeat the experiment. As always, she prepared the tissue samples without Gene's help and continued to examine the shell that she had left in the refrigerator the day before. She was still intrigued by the state of the organelles.

"Gene, how many times have the cells of this sample replicated?"

The artificial intelligence took several seconds to give her the answer. Renan had told her that the delay was artificial and that in reality, the computer could respond instantly.

"Eighteen thousand seven hundred times."

"Good, I want to repeat the experiment, but this time we will continuously introduce the nanobots after the first thousand divisions and the oncovirus when we reach the two thousandth division. I want to apply the same variations in the doses of nanobots and oncovirus as in the previous experiment."

"Will the same proportions of Eg5 and monastrol be applied?"

"Yes. Meanwhile, I want to continue studying this sample, although this experiment is likely to give us a much clearer idea of what happened."

While Gene introduced the samples into the cultivation chamber, Alena performed several analyses of the tissue cells she had stored in the refrigerator the day before. The telomeres of the cells were extremely short.

"How is this possible?" he wondered. "The senescence process should have started several days ago."

She separated some cells and prepared several culture shells. Then he prepared several nanobots and injected them into the cells. Afterward, she programmed the culture equipment to introduce kinases and phosphatases in fifteen-minute cycles. She spent the rest of the day investigating the controversial role of telomeres in cellular aging: they seemed to be the key to stopping the senescence process in human cells; however, there were strains of mice with hyper long telomeres and that did not make them particularly long-lived. She left the laboratory after midnight still without a clear idea of what was happening with his cellular cultures. She went to bed without eating.

Alena spent the next few weeks alternating between the library, the laboratory, and several molecular biology conferences. Every day she checked the two groups of cultures that she had in the laboratory. The first group had not developed cancer, while the second group showed only slight deterioration. She toyed with the idea of combining her treatment with an adenovirus that inserted an extra-long telomere sequence. She searched several articles on the Tharsis intranet to see if she could find any nanobot or virus that was already made, but she could not find any.

"There's something eerie going on here," she thought.
 
This is great. It read fluidly for me. The story is moving along and the world is being built and some character is being developed, so its good.
I'm impatient (probably ADHD) so I found myself skimming parts where it got too "talkie" and I will be in the minority (I always am) in this. I think its too wordy but I suspect it is an early draft and the revision process always tightens things up.

Details like this:
They used the table's touch screen to order drinks. Renan ordered iced tea with lemon and Alena ordered orange juice. Five minutes later, an old wheeled robot arrived with their drinks and skewers of roasted pumpkin, peppers, and onions. Alena took seven pieces and put them on her plate.
“How was your day, Renan?”
should work to build atmosphere, but do not anymore, for me, for some reason. This was the style of Asimov and Clarke where the descriptions of the future environs were prominent and people like me read the books a lot for that description, but I think over the last sixty years technology has advanced to the point where it seems common place. Again, a very personal opinion.


She separated some cells and prepared several culture shells. Then he prepared several nanobots and injected them into the cells. Afterward, she programmed the culture equipment to introduce kinases and phosphatases in fifteen-minute cycles. She spent the rest of the day investigating the controversial role of telomeres in cellular aging: they seemed to be the key to stopping the senescence process in human cells; however, there were strains of mice with hyper long telomeres and that did not make them particularly long-lived. She left the laboratory after midnight still without a clear idea of what was happening with his cellular cultures. She went to bed without eating.
Wasn't clear if the he/she/he transitions refers to them working together or if the translation software glitched on you.

I'm a little hypersensitive to obvious world-building, so I will flag the following as such:
They walked a kilometer to the east, to the base area closest to Mount Olympus. It was a new area, with a very different architecture from the rest of the base. Renan was continuously surprised by the shape of the building that housed the simulated gravity dormitories: it looked like a hill covered in vegetation from which several streams descended, forming waterfalls and pools. Inside the building, each floor rotated once every twenty-two seconds to simulate Earth's gravity. Alena said goodbye to Renan with a kiss on the corner of her lips and descended a staircase that led to the building's access tunnel. She walked eighty meters through the wide hallway to the center of the building. There, she boarded the elevator and went up to the third floor, where her room was located. She emerged into a narrow circular hallway with four horizontal elevators, she walked to the nearest elevator, which silently advanced to the rim of the building. Upon exiting, she felt slightly dizzy. She waited a few seconds to get used to the Coriolis effect, the incline of the floor, and her new weight. She walked several meters down the narrow circular hallway until she found her room. She placed her palm on the reader and entered.
This passage is a tad longer than it needs to be because of the need for world-building. The world-building is less effective because we don't seem to have a need to know these details right now.

Also, in this paragraph: you did mention that this was third person omniscient, but I think you should be aware that you spend most of the time following Alena, but then have a flash from Renan's perspective which may not be the best thing to do, especially since it doesn't add that much.

Keep writing!
 
Also, in this paragraph: you did mention that this was third person omniscient, but I think you should be aware that you spend most of the time following Alena, but then have a flash from Renan's perspective which may not be the best thing to do, especially since it doesn't add that much.
Thanks,
Yes, the dormitories with artificial gravity were"probably" unnecessary for the story. I probably went too far in trying to explain how Alena kept herself in shape: plenty of exercise plus living in a dormitory with artificial gravity.... Hmm I could actually have Alena tease Renan inviting him back to her dorm that has 3 times Mars' gravity...
Renan appears briefly in the story , but I don't think I have switched viewpoints , it is still the omniscient narrator telling the story.
Can you point out which paragraph made you think it was Renan's perspective?

Thankyou
 
Renan appears briefly in the story , but I don't think I have switched viewpoints , it is still the omniscient narrator telling the story.
Can you point out which paragraph made you think it was Renan's perspective?
Renan was continuously surprised by the shape of the building that housed the simulated gravity dormitories:
This one sentence is in close third person for Renan, while the rest is close third person for Alena.

Omniscient third-person is very versatile, but sometimes switching viewpoints abruptly can be jarring. That said, many readers won't care.
 
This one sentence is in close third person for Renan, while the rest is close third person for Alena.

Omniscient third-person is very versatile, but sometimes switching viewpoints abruptly can be jarring. That said, many readers won't care.
Mmm .. well, that's why it's omniscient... it can read the minds of every character, but I could switch to third-person limited so that only Alena's thoughts are available.
 
Just a warning that while omniscient was popular in SF/F novels a few decades ago, close third or first person are more the norm these days. Writing in omniscient might make it hard to get your story picked up.

Also, there's little point posting more excerpts until you've taken on board feedback from the first and taken time to make changes to your work to accommodate at least some of it. Then report a rewritten opener so we can see the difference.

Just so you know how Critiques work. :)
 
"There's something eerie going on here," she thought.
I don't mean to come across as coming down too hard on you - you can clearly write smooth sentences and there's clearly a good imagination and technical knowledge at play behind it - but this highlighted sentence underlines a big problem with the lack of tension. Namely, we should *feel* her struggling with her problem, and the different ways she struggles to come up with solutions - and that means not simply looking at her actions. A big lesson most everyone has to learn is that watching characters isn't telling a story unless it's a screenplay - which a novel isn't. A novel has one advantage over any other medium, and that's the ability to get inside a character's thoughts - and that's the strength where a novel really needs to focus these days.
 
To add to what @Brian G Turner just said, think about you act and feel when something good or bad happens to you.
What's your body language? What are your thoughts and action? What are all of the emotions you are experiencing?
Try acting out what your MC is experiencing and feeling in your mind, does it make sense? If so, write it out.
 
It wasn't the first time Renan proposed spending the night in his apartment. Renan seemed attractive to her despite his extreme thinness and being half a meter taller than her, and she enjoyed being with him. The only problem was that Renan was a hardened womanizer and she wasn't willing to become part of his collection.
In my response to your first chapter posting, I noted that as a reader I had no idea how Alexa felt towards Renan, so here it is! It would be better placed earlier, like when she is first considering whether or not to call him.

The artificial intelligence took several seconds to give her the answer. Renan had told her that the delay was artificial and that in reality, the computer could respond instantly.

You've said a few times that you intend to write this story from an omniscent POV. Several commenters have perceived it as "close third" from Alena's POV, however, despite your stated intentions. I'm highlighting the sentence above as an example of why readers perceive this as a story from Alena's POV.

By writing "Renan told her the delay was artificial..." you are (perhaps inadvertently) limiting the available information in the story to Alena's set of knowledge. She doesn't personally know how or how fast the AI works, she just knows what Renan told her about it which may or may not be correct, and that's all the information the reader is given.

An omniscent POV knows all, and could just come right out and say:

"The artificial intelligence took several seconds to giver her an answer. The delay, like the intelligence, was artificial. In reality the computer was capable of responding instantly."

No need to reference Alena or Renan or any other character's knowledge of that fact.
 
Renan agreed to move to one of the tables on the terrace.
A nice quick movement here.

They used the table's touch screen to order drinks. Renan ordered iced tea with lemon and Alena ordered orange juice. Five minutes later, an old wheeled robot arrived with their drinks and skewers of roasted pumpkin, peppers, and onions. Alena took seven pieces and put them on her plate.
I don't think the detail of the food order was needed and stood out for me as you had a quick movement above, and now we get into un-needed detail. However I did like the wheeled robot, it hinted at more tech to come.

They walked a kilometer to the east, to the base area closest to Mount Olympus. It was a new area, with a very different architecture from the rest of the base. Renan was continuously surprised by the shape of the building that housed the simulated gravity dormitories: it looked like a hill covered in vegetation from which several streams descended, forming waterfalls and pools. Inside the building, each floor rotated once every twenty-two seconds to simulate Earth's gravity. Alena said goodbye to Renan with a kiss on the corner of her lips and descended a staircase that led to the building's access tunnel. She walked eighty meters through the wide hallway to the center of the building. There, she boarded the elevator and went up to the third floor, where her room was located. She emerged into a narrow circular hallway with four horizontal elevators, she walked to the nearest elevator, which silently advanced to the rim of the building. Upon exiting, she felt slightly dizzy. She waited a few seconds to get used to the Coriolis effect, the incline of the floor, and her new weight. She walked several meters down the narrow circular hallway until she found her room. She placed her palm on the reader and entered.
Too much detail, even if well presented. It was in the end just her walk home, would she see this as exceptional? A touch of this yes, but the section here was quite long and did it really push your story along - I think not.

The interior was austere: a bed, a desk with drawers, a wardrobe, a small bathroom, and a screen that simulated a window with a view to the outside. She undressed, lay down on the bed, and fell asleep almost immediately.
I'm left wondering if we needed the meeting and meal, if the character doesn't seem too bothered.

She separated some cells and prepared several culture shells. Then he prepared several nanobots and injected them into the cells. Afterward, she programmed the culture equipment to introduce kinases and phosphatases in fifteen-minute cycles. She spent the rest of the day investigating the controversial role of telomeres in cellular aging: they seemed to be the key to stopping the senescence process in human cells; however, there were strains of mice with hyper long telomeres and that did not make them particularly long-lived. She left the laboratory after midnight still without a clear idea of what was happening with his cellular cultures. She went to bed without eating.
I don't have any idea about what's happening either, so I know how she feels.

Well written that I can see and I never felt the urge to correct as much as a comma. That aside, not a lot happened as such. Too much detail on world building and future science, all of this without any hint of a storyline to come other than something to do with cancer and nano-bots. No tension, no excitement and flat - sorry, but that is what I think. We are sticking with a main character and I did get a good feel for the character so that was good.

Storyline and my reason to read on, that's what was missing here. Far too much world building and not much else, which would not be enough to hold me.

On the upside you can write and on description you can't be faulted. But there was no hook. There was no clear direction to this section. So technically very good, but with no a reason to read on that I could see. Less can be more, but you need to keep your reader in mind and not get carried away with small details. I suspect this is a great story in the making, I just have no idea what this might be because you got stuck in the micro details instead of pushing the storyline along.

I think you have skill ok, but ease up on world building and focus more on storyline.

This can be a hard section at times and tough when you no doubt feel you've worked very hard to have something that should go down well. You have taken bullet holes on this flyby but you're still flying, which is a good result even if you don't feel it today. Keep going, you'll get there.
 
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Renan agreed to move to one of the tables on the terrace.
A nice quick movement here.

They used the table's touch screen to order drinks. Renan ordered iced tea with lemon and Alena ordered orange juice. Five minutes later, an old wheeled robot arrived with their drinks and skewers of roasted pumpkin, peppers, and onions. Alena took seven pieces and put them on her plate.
I don't think the detail of the food order was needed and stood out for me as you had a quick movement above, and now we get into un-needed detail. However I did like the wheeled robot, it hinted at more tech to come.

They walked a kilometer to the east, to the base area closest to Mount Olympus. It was a new area, with a very different architecture from the rest of the base. Renan was continuously surprised by the shape of the building that housed the simulated gravity dormitories: it looked like a hill covered in vegetation from which several streams descended, forming waterfalls and pools. Inside the building, each floor rotated once every twenty-two seconds to simulate Earth's gravity. Alena said goodbye to Renan with a kiss on the corner of her lips and descended a staircase that led to the building's access tunnel. She walked eighty meters through the wide hallway to the center of the building. There, she boarded the elevator and went up to the third floor, where her room was located. She emerged into a narrow circular hallway with four horizontal elevators, she walked to the nearest elevator, which silently advanced to the rim of the building. Upon exiting, she felt slightly dizzy. She waited a few seconds to get used to the Coriolis effect, the incline of the floor, and her new weight. She walked several meters down the narrow circular hallway until she found her room. She placed her palm on the reader and entered.
Too much detail, even if well presented. It was in the end just her walk home, would she see this as exceptional? A touch of this yes, but the section here was quite long and did it really push your story along - I think not.

The interior was austere: a bed, a desk with drawers, a wardrobe, a small bathroom, and a screen that simulated a window with a view to the outside. She undressed, lay down on the bed, and fell asleep almost immediately.
I'm left wondering if we needed the meeting and meal, if the character doesn't seem too bothered.

She separated some cells and prepared several culture shells. Then he prepared several nanobots and injected them into the cells. Afterward, she programmed the culture equipment to introduce kinases and phosphatases in fifteen-minute cycles. She spent the rest of the day investigating the controversial role of telomeres in cellular aging: they seemed to be the key to stopping the senescence process in human cells; however, there were strains of mice with hyper long telomeres and that did not make them particularly long-lived. She left the laboratory after midnight still without a clear idea of what was happening with his cellular cultures. She went to bed without eating.
I don't have any idea about what's happening either, so I know how she feels.

Well written that I can see and I never felt the urge to correct as much as a comma. That aside, not a lot happened as such. Too much detail on world building and future science, all of this without any hint of a storyline to come other than something to do with cancer and nano-bots. No tension, no excitement and flat - sorry, but that is what I think. We are sticking with a main character and I did get a good feel for the character so that was good.

Storyline and my reason to read on, that's what was missing here. Far too much world building and not much else, which would not be enough to hold me.

On the upside you can write and on description you can't be faulted. But there was no hook. There was no clear direction to this section. So technically very good, but with no a reason to read on that I could see. Less can be more, but you need to keep your reader in mind and not get carried away with small details. I suspect this is a great story in the making, I just have no idea what this might be because you got stuck in the micro details instead of pushing the storyline along.

I think you have skill ok, but ease up on world building and focus more on storyline.

This can be a hard section at times and tough when you no doubt feel you've worked very hard to have something that should go down well. You have taken bullet holes on this flyby but you're still flying, which is a good result even if you don't feel it today. Keep going, you'll get there.

Spoilers ahead...

don't think the detail of the food order was needed and stood out for me as you had a quick movement above, and now we get into un-needed detail. However I did like the wheeled robot, it hinted at more tech to come.
Ok, since this remark has been made several times, I'll have to explain myself, fully .
At the end of the story Alena reflects on how the few natural beauties they have on mars ( some scanty trees,plants and bushes , plus a park) constitute their most valued treasures, while Earth, squanders and destroys them ( just like cancer destroys body tissues ), so it all ties up: Renan teasing Alena about being 'retro, Alena teasing him back asking for meat in a bonfire, but in the end, as a good Martian, ordering strictly vegetarian food (not even vat meat)... so there's the point for those remarks and scenes. Now you know how it all ties up: do you still think the scene has to be removed?

Too much detail, even if well presented. It was in the end just her walk home, would she see this as exceptional? A touch of this yes, but the section here was quite long and did it really push your story along - I think not.

Loss of muscular mass is a very real problem in space travel. I probably went over the board explaining, why Alena keeps being muscular: she jumps a lot , swims (naked as most Martians do ) and spends time in her dorm with artificial gravity. At some point, I felt tempted to have Alena tease Renan inviting him to her room where gravity is 3 times stronger... I might do that in the next re-write.
I'm left wondering if we needed the meeting and meal, if the character doesn't seem too bothered.

Alena just needed to have a fresh perspective on her research: Renan suggests inserting the nanobots before the oncovirus: the unforeseen effect is that the cells with this new treatment don't age: she has found the fountain of eternal youth.

Thanks for your remarks.
 
My overall take is that the language is so formal and on-the-nose that it sounds like a scene designed to illustrate some principle in a textbook. The conversations don't sound conversational and even the exposition in between is too straightforward, lacking any sort of vernacular familiarity in the way the narration addresses the reader. Especially when the characters tell each other things they are already completely familiar with.

As SF, the topics are so light that only the inclusion of well known scientific speculation - nanobots, low gravity physiques, domed cities - suggests that the story is not just a conversation between two academics. I hesitate to use the word 'wonder' - but how about a little weird, at least? Everything that happens or is discussed is in incredibly comfortable territory for most any worldly reader. What is the hook? What does this passage do aside from set the stage - and is that stage unique?


Small stuff - Renan shouldn't be the one 'agreeing' to go inside. He's the agoraphobe who wanted to move.
Thoughts get italics, not quotation marks.
No need to say "ordered" twice: Renan ordered eggs and Alena the fish.


Your writing is clear, the scene constructed nicely so it feels like they are someplace real and are talking. But neither the novelty nor style comes out to engross the reader.

I would suggest leaving more holes that the reader either has to deduce from, or will have to patiently wait upon. Informal language creates worlds by cultivating the yet-to-be-revealed and offering avenues to humor.
 

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