Western Novel set in 1898

[Timben]

It was now sunset, and Bear Claws and Casey are riding in the open country. Suddenly, they felt something on their skins, it began to sting a little. It started to rain. John was watching the heavens and noticed that the skies were turning from bright to dark in a matter of minutes. There was a storm coming! And they were going to be a part of it.

"I do not like the looks of those clouds," said John.

Heavy-looking gray clouds bunch up. Heavy rain, even hail started coming down. The wind began to grow in speed and strength. The team of horses that John was driving was making an effort to stay on the trail but it was no use. They swung from one way to another to the other. It was getting dangerous holding in the road.

"We gotta find shelter," said John.

Bear Claws nodded. John combated by all his might to control the stirring of the wagon. They were near the rocky area where the rifles were stored. John drove up to the rifle site. He withdrew on the reins depressed the brake and locked it in. He immediately jumped down and ran to dig up the rifles. Bear Claws pulled back on his reins and dismounted and went to assist dig up the rifles. Then suddenly, it all began to quiet down. The wind stops. And the rain stops. John stopped digging long enough to look toward the southwest. A screaming sound begins. They both witnessed a long, dark funnel headed their way!

"Twister! We gotta get the hell outta here," said John.​

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Good stuff, only spotted two things:

Suddenly, they felt something on their skins, it began to sting a little.

This confused me -I take it as a reference to the rain, and I know heavy cold rain can sting a bit but in the context it threw me off the story and got me wondering were you describing something other than rain.

ohn combated by all his might to control the stirring of the wagon.

I like the arrangement of words in the sentence and think it's deadly, as it gives a little wobble to the pace of the action. But it might not be what you want in that spot. It might be better to leave it out.

Best of luck

 

[Timben]

Good stuff, only spotted two things:

This confused me -I take it as a reference to the rain, and I know heavy cold rain can sting a bit but in the context it threw me off the story and got me wondering were you describing something other than rain.

I like the arrangement of words in the sentence and think it's deadly, as it gives a little wobble to the pace of the action. But it might not be what you want in that spot. It might be better to leave it out.

Best of luck

I'm sorry. Your right it was supposed to be just the heavy cold rain pouring down. But thank you for pointing it out to me.

 

[THX1138]

He immediately jumped down and ran to dig up the rifles. Bear Claws pulled back on his reins and dismounted and went to assist dig up the rifles.

The wording is a little off here I feel. Maybe something more like:

He immediately jumped down and ran to dig up the rifles. Bear Claws pulled back on his reins, dismounted and went to assist Casey.

Then suddenly, it all began to quiet down. The wind stops. And the rain stops. John stopped digging long enough to look toward the southwest. A screaming sound begins.

Same here too. Maybe:

Then suddenly, the wind and rain stopped, and all became quiet. John stopped digging when a screaming sound caught his attention then the two looked toward the southwest, the direction of the sound. They both witnessed a long, dark funnel headed their way!


Overall, I enjoyed it very much. Good Luck!

 

[msstice]

General comments: I realize English may not be your first language but there is enough oddness in the text that I wonder if you shouldn't first write it all down in your native language, go through the whole publishing process and then have it professionally translated at the end.

There was a storm coming!

I have been told that exclamation marks are no longer fashionable. Children's books in the '50s and '60s had exclamation marks, but adult literature in general never did. I'm not one to heed fashions too much, but in the case of exclamation marks I agree - it is much better if the words naturally create the exclamation in the reader.

John combated by all his might to control the stirring of the wagon.

He withdrew on the reins depressed the brake and locked it in.

Two examples of sentences that read oddly to me.

They both witnessed a long, dark funnel headed their way!

Non idiomatic use of "witnessed". Exclamation mark can be removed.

A screaming sound begins.

The change of tense here bothered me. Another sign to me that perhaps things that work well in your native language may not work so well in English.

By the way, I know you like action stories. I read a book recently: The Lucky Starman, that had some well done action scenes, and I thought to mention this to you.

Best wishes!

 

[Mike Donoghue]

I suggest changing to third person passive ("were" riding instead of "are" riding). In the opening paragraph, I like that you're making them surprised by the oncoming rain and storm. You can strengthen it pretty easily. I would suggest adding some detail about the air being dry and their clothes dry when something wet and stinging starts to hit them. You can mention their bare skin being covered in a fine layer of dry dust in order to seel the fact that wetness is falling from the sky. The description of the dusk/twilight sky can be stronger and more vivid. You could mention the sky being clear and dotted with stars just a few minutes ago, now covered by a blanket of dark clouds. I do like the idea of this first paragraph. With some tweaks it can be really good.

 

[Bowler1]

I'm on a train so this is a drive by review, so brace yourself.

Far too much description for me that felt over worked by the end. You have a section on rain and a line of dialogue. Another section on rain and a line of dialogue. Another large section with odd halting descriptions and one more line of dialogue. That's a whole lot of weather, even for the wild west.

It was very distant from the characters, as in, was John cold, tired or much on how he felt.

This needs to be closer to the main character I think using a lot more of the writing tool box. With only description and snippets of dialogue I wouldn't read on - even assuming the characters are the strong silent types.

Not quite for me, but keep at it and keep going, and good luck with it all.

 

[KiraAnn]

First, who is Casey and who is John? I guess the same person? Just ue one form of the name, except the first reference which could be his full name.

Second, in typical American usage, "open country" has few trees and few changes in elevations. No storm is going to come up suddenly; spring storms can be seen for 30 minutes to an hour before they hit.

Third, typical western travellers would have had camp setup and supper cooking by sunset. Travelling in the dark, or even looking for firewood in the dark, is an open invitation for disaster.

Fourth, the man on the wagon vs man on horseback getting off first, sounds awkward. Usually, a man on horseback can hop off before a man can secure the wagon and get down.

Fifth, tornadoes do not scream - they rumble like a freight train. And what made John look to the southwest before the tornado sounds appear? When things go quiet before a tornado, it's too late to "get the hell outta" anywhere. You can only hole up and hope like hell you make it.

I'm not trying to crush you, just making suggestions to better it. Zane Grey never went west until his dotage, and his geography is all wrong, so....

Keep working on it!

 

[The Big Peat]

Brace yourself, I'm afraid. This is quite a way away from having good prose, although that can be improved. I'll bold and add comments in italics below

It was now sunset, and Bear Claws and Casey are (what tense is this story in? "was now sunset" looks like past, "are" is definitely present. Pick a tense and stick with it) riding in the open country. Suddenly, they felt something on their skins, it began to sting a little. It started to rain. (you've already told us it's started to rain in the sentence before, so no need to repeat. If you need to identify that the something was rain, then describe it - "big heavy drops were raining down", "it was a fine, icy rain"). John was watching the heavens and noticed that (again, this is redundant and less words will create a smoother impression - something like "John could see that" "John tilted his head up to see" or even just "Up above" - also, if this is the start of the novel, using John after telling us its Bear Claws and Casey is confusing) the skies were turning from bright to dark in a matter of minutes. There was a storm coming! And they were going to be a part of it.

"I do not like the looks of those clouds," said John.

Heavy-looking gray clouds bunch up (tense again). Heavy rain, even hail started coming down. The wind began to grow in speed and strength (try to use a more immediate sounding and descriptive phrase here because this phrase sounds like it came from an academic writing after the fact, not someone caught out in a sudden storm - "the wind was pushing at them hard" "the wind was as strong and swift as a wild stallion now, and getting worse". The team of horses that John was driving was making an effort to stay on the trail but it was no use. They swung from one way to another to the other. It was getting dangerous holding in the road.

"We gotta find shelter," said John.

Bear Claws nodded. John combated by all his might (awkward wording) to control the stirring (steering, not stirring) of the wagon. They were near the rocky area where the rifles were stored. John drove up to the rifle site. He withdrew on the reins depressed the brake and locked it in. He immediately jumped down and ran to dig up the rifles. Bear Claws pulled back on his reins and dismounted and went to assist (help would read more natural to me) dig up the rifles. Then suddenly, it all began to quiet down. The wind stops. And the rain stops. John stopped digging long enough to look toward the southwest. A screaming sound begins. They both witnessed a long, dark funnel headed their way!

"Twister! We gotta get the hell outta here," said John.​

There's other things I could point at too, and other things other people have pointed at. But I think first and foremost, you should focus on good prose. Are there any authors you think have good prose you can use as examples to compare your work to?

 

[THX1138]

Who are the authors of Western Novels that you read? Is there one that you really enjoy reading?
Follow their style and work it into your own.