Draven Vertigo
Aspiring writer.
Hello all this is the story i have been working on for some time now. Its the one I told Baylor about awhile ago, Ive taken writing classes before and was told the easiest way I can convey its theme is "Conan the Barbarian in Space."
Since this is the 1st time I'm sharing this with you all here is some background on the overall story:
Different universe, Earth-like world orbiting a binary star. Its the post-apocalypse, A bitter civil war is happening on a continent called Giisan between the "Old Landers" and the "Loyalists." Imagine greek/roman culture/aesthetics merged with the Spanish conquistadors + they have Magic/Superpowers. The excerpt is about a Character named Gavitra who is on a harrowing journey aboard a Trireme traversing the Shattered Sea to reach Pan-Kohn, the home continent of the Untadar a type one civilization whose fall is responsible for the Apocalypse. The 2 forces are engaged in an arms race to acquire the technologically advanced weapons of their ancestors and win the war.
Does the story hook the reader?
Thoughts on Gavitra as a character?
What genre is it?
Thoughts on it in general?
Thank you.
*****************************************
"Tagmatar, you called for me?" Asks Gavitra.
"Have a seat Gavitra"
He calmly takes a seat on the chair in front of the Tagmatar's desk.
"Are you a pious man, Gavitra?"
"Absolutely my Tagmatar."
"That is good. Because we will soon be approaching the last ice fields before the portal and all of us who are in command should ask our goddess for her blessing in what lay ahead."
"Yes, Tagmatar."
"Let us forgo the titles, you may call me Brutos, for now we are all but men about to enter the jaws of the almighty."
Gavitra notices his superior's fingers holding the scroll on the desk gently trembling. A man that has seen over two dozen of the fiercest battles of the war and now commands the allegiances and respect of a fleet that once carried five hundred men; still shaken by the instant losses of men he was responsible for.
"Did you ever think you’d be out somewhere like this in your life? To have ****ing monsters to contend with on top of however in the hell many more of our former brothers are left. How many more of them do you think are waiting for us over there, Gavitra?"
"Not too many more than us, I was told that our victory in the Ayreach evened our numbers."
"Did any of your family abandon you to uphold the old ways?"
"Yes, I have cousins in the Loyalist ranks... Do you, Brutos?"
"I killed my uncle on the fields of Parsos... it was during their southern advance, me and my men caught a small group of them trying to reunite with the rest of their legion, I put a bolt right through his chest... I didn't know it was him."
"My condolences, Tagmatar."
"f*ck em' I felt nothing, after the reformation he joined in on the cleansing. No piece of sh*t like that can be of my blood. He was still alive when I approached and I watched the life leave his eyes... I watched him realize his folly and I knew at that moment that we were going to win this war."
Gavitra stays silent. The thought of encountering his own family among the enemy crossed his mind often as it did for many others.
“Forgive my lack of hatred of our former kin, the reformation only revealed who among my family were weak minded and refused to grow, they never inflicted violence on one another.”
“Then consider yourself lucky, Gavitra… because any mention of the Kai Orma within my family was met with instant violence and persecution, we were to remain Loyalists to tradition or removed entirely from practicing anything else including our lives.”
“May the Old Lands reveal the truth.” Says Gavitra
“Ever always her will guides.” Says Brutos.
Suddenly they hear a horn blowing from outside.
“It is time, Gavitra let us guide the infidels into the abyss!”
The two leave the cabin and look around. The sounds of loud knocking comes from the water as small chunks of floating ice bump into the ship. Gavitra rushes over to his seat and grabs his silver armor and weapons which consist of a spear and a long curved saber. Below decks a large movement of people is taking place as the previous rowers are replaced by those men and women who are now well rested in preparation for the coming ordeal.
A massive front of Mammatus clouds flows over head in the dawn, the clouds morphing and twisting erratically. In the path ahead Brutos sees the The sky darken into a sickened green color more by the minute as streaks of lightning backlight the frantic swirling clouds. Suddenly a bolt of lightning strikes the top of the mast. Brutos doesn't even flinch as he stares deadpan into the wall of chaos in the distance. He counts at least forty water spouts on the horizon. Each hurling icebergs in all directions. Brutos can tell that some of the bergs are nearly the size of the ship. There are the flashes of explosions among the bedlam followed by the curling prominence's of fire out from the water and ice.
"Brutos?!" Shouts Gavitra over the roar of the wind as it gets louder.
"Surely we are not driving the fleet into that!"
Brutos stays silent and drives his hand forward to signal his helmsman to continue on course at full speed.
The oars swung heavy into the waters and five men stood a few meters away from the sails and sycronise their command of monad to force the random gusts of wind into a directional burst to the sails that push the trireme to over thirty knots through the icy waters. The other ships follow at the same speed. As the ship gets closer. Suddenly a thick front of fog covers the ships. A fog so thick it seems to devour the light.
"Tagmatar! We cannot see in this! What are your orders?"
"Stand at the ready up top! We have just entered the portal!" Shouts Brutos.
The other crews in the fleet maintain their course sounding their distant shouts in the distance. The fog gently lifts revealing a vast swath of calm waters
Gavitra looks up to see the light from the suns comes through a formation of clouds resembling a chasm in the sky. The sheer rock cliffs he had sailed between as a lad back on the Isles of Giisan Walls replaced by cloud walls. On the other side of the fog is the chaotic storm and pure unnatural violence. Many of the explosions behind the clouds are muffled but some manage to get through.
"Everyone! Drop!" Shouts Brutus as a cascade of explosions from within the cloud walls pepper the sides of the ship with icy shrapnel that sticks to the wood like thousands of daggers. Two men aren't fast enough and take some shards to the face killing one of them instantly.
"Dammit! Get them below, quickly!"
Brutos watches four men carry down the wounded when something dark catches his peripheral. Something massive pierces through the clouds and into the water followed by another, each the width of a skyscraper the length of a chain of mountains. Its sheer size was more intimidating by the titanic groaning and hollow metal stressing sounds that echo thunderously through the cloudy corridor of the portal.
Gavitra looks far into the distance on left and sees another megalith but it is not turning as fast as its twin and as a result more explosive debris showers that side of the portal. The sheer magnificence of the wonder created by their ancestors.
“Look Gavitra! If ol’ Untadar could craft ships that can trap such chaos, imagine what their weapons can do!” Shouts Brutos.
Suddenly out from the mist four ships appear, each flying the colors of the loyalist crimson spear battalion.
A horn sounds from the ship furthest back away from the lead.
Brutos looks back and sees the enemy closing the distance at speed.
"Battle formation!" He shouts and immediately each man knows his place and takes their positions all along the sides each looking outwards shields and spears in hand forming a tight wall around the center of the deck.
"Give those fuckers a volley!" Shouts Brutos signaling with his right arm towards the furthest ship in the rear of the fleet's V formation. Signal men communicate the order via flags and hand signals.
Since this is the 1st time I'm sharing this with you all here is some background on the overall story:
Different universe, Earth-like world orbiting a binary star. Its the post-apocalypse, A bitter civil war is happening on a continent called Giisan between the "Old Landers" and the "Loyalists." Imagine greek/roman culture/aesthetics merged with the Spanish conquistadors + they have Magic/Superpowers. The excerpt is about a Character named Gavitra who is on a harrowing journey aboard a Trireme traversing the Shattered Sea to reach Pan-Kohn, the home continent of the Untadar a type one civilization whose fall is responsible for the Apocalypse. The 2 forces are engaged in an arms race to acquire the technologically advanced weapons of their ancestors and win the war.
Does the story hook the reader?
Thoughts on Gavitra as a character?
What genre is it?
Thoughts on it in general?
Thank you.
*****************************************
"Tagmatar, you called for me?" Asks Gavitra.
"Have a seat Gavitra"
He calmly takes a seat on the chair in front of the Tagmatar's desk.
"Are you a pious man, Gavitra?"
"Absolutely my Tagmatar."
"That is good. Because we will soon be approaching the last ice fields before the portal and all of us who are in command should ask our goddess for her blessing in what lay ahead."
"Yes, Tagmatar."
"Let us forgo the titles, you may call me Brutos, for now we are all but men about to enter the jaws of the almighty."
Gavitra notices his superior's fingers holding the scroll on the desk gently trembling. A man that has seen over two dozen of the fiercest battles of the war and now commands the allegiances and respect of a fleet that once carried five hundred men; still shaken by the instant losses of men he was responsible for.
"Did you ever think you’d be out somewhere like this in your life? To have ****ing monsters to contend with on top of however in the hell many more of our former brothers are left. How many more of them do you think are waiting for us over there, Gavitra?"
"Not too many more than us, I was told that our victory in the Ayreach evened our numbers."
"Did any of your family abandon you to uphold the old ways?"
"Yes, I have cousins in the Loyalist ranks... Do you, Brutos?"
"I killed my uncle on the fields of Parsos... it was during their southern advance, me and my men caught a small group of them trying to reunite with the rest of their legion, I put a bolt right through his chest... I didn't know it was him."
"My condolences, Tagmatar."
"f*ck em' I felt nothing, after the reformation he joined in on the cleansing. No piece of sh*t like that can be of my blood. He was still alive when I approached and I watched the life leave his eyes... I watched him realize his folly and I knew at that moment that we were going to win this war."
Gavitra stays silent. The thought of encountering his own family among the enemy crossed his mind often as it did for many others.
“Forgive my lack of hatred of our former kin, the reformation only revealed who among my family were weak minded and refused to grow, they never inflicted violence on one another.”
“Then consider yourself lucky, Gavitra… because any mention of the Kai Orma within my family was met with instant violence and persecution, we were to remain Loyalists to tradition or removed entirely from practicing anything else including our lives.”
“May the Old Lands reveal the truth.” Says Gavitra
“Ever always her will guides.” Says Brutos.
Suddenly they hear a horn blowing from outside.
“It is time, Gavitra let us guide the infidels into the abyss!”
The two leave the cabin and look around. The sounds of loud knocking comes from the water as small chunks of floating ice bump into the ship. Gavitra rushes over to his seat and grabs his silver armor and weapons which consist of a spear and a long curved saber. Below decks a large movement of people is taking place as the previous rowers are replaced by those men and women who are now well rested in preparation for the coming ordeal.
A massive front of Mammatus clouds flows over head in the dawn, the clouds morphing and twisting erratically. In the path ahead Brutos sees the The sky darken into a sickened green color more by the minute as streaks of lightning backlight the frantic swirling clouds. Suddenly a bolt of lightning strikes the top of the mast. Brutos doesn't even flinch as he stares deadpan into the wall of chaos in the distance. He counts at least forty water spouts on the horizon. Each hurling icebergs in all directions. Brutos can tell that some of the bergs are nearly the size of the ship. There are the flashes of explosions among the bedlam followed by the curling prominence's of fire out from the water and ice.
"Brutos?!" Shouts Gavitra over the roar of the wind as it gets louder.
"Surely we are not driving the fleet into that!"
Brutos stays silent and drives his hand forward to signal his helmsman to continue on course at full speed.
The oars swung heavy into the waters and five men stood a few meters away from the sails and sycronise their command of monad to force the random gusts of wind into a directional burst to the sails that push the trireme to over thirty knots through the icy waters. The other ships follow at the same speed. As the ship gets closer. Suddenly a thick front of fog covers the ships. A fog so thick it seems to devour the light.
"Tagmatar! We cannot see in this! What are your orders?"
"Stand at the ready up top! We have just entered the portal!" Shouts Brutos.
The other crews in the fleet maintain their course sounding their distant shouts in the distance. The fog gently lifts revealing a vast swath of calm waters
Gavitra looks up to see the light from the suns comes through a formation of clouds resembling a chasm in the sky. The sheer rock cliffs he had sailed between as a lad back on the Isles of Giisan Walls replaced by cloud walls. On the other side of the fog is the chaotic storm and pure unnatural violence. Many of the explosions behind the clouds are muffled but some manage to get through.
"Everyone! Drop!" Shouts Brutus as a cascade of explosions from within the cloud walls pepper the sides of the ship with icy shrapnel that sticks to the wood like thousands of daggers. Two men aren't fast enough and take some shards to the face killing one of them instantly.
"Dammit! Get them below, quickly!"
Brutos watches four men carry down the wounded when something dark catches his peripheral. Something massive pierces through the clouds and into the water followed by another, each the width of a skyscraper the length of a chain of mountains. Its sheer size was more intimidating by the titanic groaning and hollow metal stressing sounds that echo thunderously through the cloudy corridor of the portal.
Gavitra looks far into the distance on left and sees another megalith but it is not turning as fast as its twin and as a result more explosive debris showers that side of the portal. The sheer magnificence of the wonder created by their ancestors.
“Look Gavitra! If ol’ Untadar could craft ships that can trap such chaos, imagine what their weapons can do!” Shouts Brutos.
Suddenly out from the mist four ships appear, each flying the colors of the loyalist crimson spear battalion.
A horn sounds from the ship furthest back away from the lead.
Brutos looks back and sees the enemy closing the distance at speed.
"Battle formation!" He shouts and immediately each man knows his place and takes their positions all along the sides each looking outwards shields and spears in hand forming a tight wall around the center of the deck.
"Give those fuckers a volley!" Shouts Brutos signaling with his right arm towards the furthest ship in the rear of the fleet's V formation. Signal men communicate the order via flags and hand signals.
