Critique my query letter?

[ColGray]

FWIW, i loved Gideon the Ninth and thought it was an exceptional debut. It also has a bizarre structure and mash up -- Interstellar necromancers are summoned to a broken earth by an absentee god-emperor to attempt ascension into the living undead only to find themselves hunted. It's Warhammer40k meets Agatha Christie with a heavy dose of, The Stars are Legion.

 

[sinister42]

Ok, here's take 2 of my query letter.

Dear:



For your consideration, I present THE WEREWOLF ASTRONAUT, an urban fantasy novel of approximately 81,000 words. It would appeal to readers who enjoy Larry Correia’s Monster Hunter International series and the humor of a book like Tamsyn Muir’s Gideon the Ninth.

Two full moons after being bitten by a werewolf, aspiring astronaut Robert Vincent meets and falls for a cyborg rock star named Clyve Nox, who saves him from an attack by a huntress named Angela Martin. Clyve, who acts as a liaison for werewolves and ‘otherlings’ like himself, brings Robert to a werewolf bar to meet the local pack before being inconveniently abducted by aliens.

More inconveniently, the aliens live on a planet with a permanent full moon. To have any chance of mounting a rescue, our werewolf heroes must find a legendary medallion that will give them the power to control their transformations. And then, of course, find and steal an alien spaceship and fly it 150 light years to the alien planet where Clyve is being held, rescue him, and fly the ship home.

Meanwhile, Robert and the pack must also defend themselves against the persistent attacks of the huntress Angela Martin and her allies. In the heat of battle, Robert discovers that he has been gifted with two rare werewolf abilities: arcane sight and arcane power.

With these powerful abilities, aided by the scientific knowledge of his astronaut training, Robert must help the pack find the medallion, rescue Clyve, and defeat Angela Martin and her allies once and for all.

I’m a weird fiction author based in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I have a few publications under my belt. Most recently, I had two science fiction stories published in an anthology titled Written With Pride, a collection of queer fiction published by Not a Pipe Publishing.

Thank you for considering my novel.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

It's better, but still too long and detailed for a query. Also, though you mention humor in the first paragraph there is no lightness or humor that I could see in your description. There is a certain irony in the idea of a pack of werewolves trying to effect a rescue on a planet with a permanent full moon (not sure how that would even exist, but I'm no expert on such matters so I'll let the astronomers among us comment on that) but you immediately divert attention to the medallion and the difficulty in stealing a spaceship, before that can really sink in.

 

[sinister42]

The planet is in a trinary star system, so the moon is always illuminated by one of the three suns. It's also a big moon orbiting closer to the planet than our moon orbits the Earth.

The research I've done says that the summary portion of the query letter should be around 225 words, which is about what I have here. I can make it shorter.

The humor in the book is pretty dry, I think, so it's not like a madcap misadventure. Think Neil Gaiman with a little Christopher Moore, and a soupcon of Douglas Adams, but less "funny all the time" than that. It actually gets into some pretty dark horror stuff at times.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

The humor in the book is pretty dry,

But I don't see that in the style of your summary, and that should be easy enough for you to do in a brief description if you are able to keep it up for an entire book.

Also, you seem to focus more on Angela Martin than on Clyve. I do understand that she is the antagonist and important, but if readers are going to sympathize with Robert's desire to rescue Clyve, then I think they need to have some sense of the depth of his appeal, and how Robert feels about him (without getting gushy romantic). As it is, there is no sense of urgency involved in the rescue as you describe it in your letter—though, of course, there may be plenty in the actual book where you have plenty of room to go into that sort of thing. But that's the challenge of a query: to accomplish much in so few words. For instance, is Clyve in actual danger, apart from being a prisoner? If there is any continuing threat to him, something that introduces a time limit on finding and rescuing him, you should mention that, as it ups the stakes and increases Robert's anxiety. If that is not the case, then what else can you mention that makes rescuing Clyve seem vitally important?

 

[Cthulhu.Science]

I'm chiming in with a couple questions, because I have no useful information.
1. Should sinister42 attach a bibliography of published works? Would that normally be a separate page?
2. Is self-publishing (perhaps through Amazon) exclusively for non-serious writers? Or are there viable platforms on which to do that?

Thanks for letting me elbow in on this. Good Luck sinister42!!!

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

1. No. Mentioning one or two published works is enough. While agents and editors like to know you have had some success placing your works before, when it comes to gaining their interest the book at hand has to sell itself.

2. Self-publishing can be for serious writers, but is most likely to be successful if a) the writer has already had success through trad publishing (name recognition, a devoted following eager for their next book) or is otherwise well-known, for instance by writing a popular blog, b) the writer is prolific (while also being good, of course) and either already has a backlist or feels confident that they can and will produce new books on a regular basis, and c) they have the will and the necessary skills to do a great deal of effective self-promotion.

Many established writers have successfully turned from traditional publishing to self-publishing, or to a combination of the two, but their situation is very different from that of a brand-new unknown author. Don't make the mistake of looking at what they are accomplishing now for what is likely to happen to you unless you can fulfill both b and c, especially c. The already popular writer has a backlist and needs far less in the way of self promotion than a new author. They may say "Look at me, I'm doing better than ever before. If I can do it, anyone can." But that is, plainly speaking, balderdash. They've already achieved more than most aspiring writers ever will, and in doing so laid the groundwork for their current success. But if you have reason to be confident that you can do b and c, some self-published writers have made successful debuts, and maybe you can, too. Just be sure of what you want, what you are willing to do (some people write wonderful books, self-publish them, and then freeze up at the prospect of promoting themselves), and how hard you are willing to work.

 

[ColGray]

This is definitely better--tighter, more direct.

The order is off -- start with the story (that's what you're selling), then go to comps, then history and personal.

Overall, i agree with @Teresa Edgerton: If you're saying, this has humor, the query needs to bring that humor (bone-dry or ocean-wet). It's hinted at, but you can pull it out more and feature it. The opening pitch is pretty left-field (werewolf astronaut, cyborg rockstar, hunted, abducted by aliens). If i put on my, How does this sell, agent hat, my question is, Does he have a premise, or can he land the plane? The task is showing you can handle the premise with a deft, humorous payoff.

The humor in the book is pretty dry, I think, so it's not like a madcap misadventure.

vs

Two full moons after being bitten by a werewolf, aspiring astronaut Robert Vincent meets and falls for a cyborg rock star named Clyve Nox

That's sopping wet (but also, i really like that line: every few words i'm like, wait, what? Wait. WHAT?) It also makes me wonder what technology era this is set in, but mostly because a) aspiring astronaut makes me think 1950's, and, b) Aspiring Astronaut is up there with, Noted Futurist, as a top-tier meaningless title for a business card.

Meanwhile, Robert and the pack must also defend themselves against the persistent attacks of the huntress Angela Martin and her allies. In the heat of battle, Robert discovers that he has been gifted with two rare werewolf abilities: arcane sight and arcane power.

With these powerful abilities, aided by the scientific knowledge of his astronaut training, Robert must help the pack find the medallion, rescue Clyve, and defeat Angela Martin and her allies once and for all.

You might consider condensing this and removing the synopsis component-- leave it a cliffhanger. The query is there to sell the book--your intention is to hook them and make them ask for more pages--so give them a taste and leave them wanting more.

When Robert undertook astronaut survival training, he missed the day they covered protecting a pack of werewolves from a persistent hunter while on a planet where it's always a full moon. Can Robert uses his scientific training and powerful werewolf abilities to remove, Aspiring, from his astronaut dreams and reunite with Clyve?​

There are also a LOT of agents on MSWL that call out that they're actively seeking queer voices, so including that can definitely work for you.

It's a good revision.

 

[ColGray]

1. No. Mentioning one or two published works is enough. While agents and editors like to know you have had some success placing your works before, when it comes to gaining their interest the book at hand has to sell itself.

2. Self-publishing can be for serious writers, but is most likely to be successful if a) the writer has already had success through trad publishing (name recognition, a devoted following eager for their next book) or is otherwise well-known, for instance by writing a popular blog, b) the writer is prolific (while also being good, of course) and either already has a backlist or feels confident that they can and will produce new books on a regular basis, and c) they have the will and the necessary skills to do a great deal of effective self-promotion.

Many established writers have successfully turned from traditional publishing to self-publishing, or to a combination of the two, but their situation is very different from that of a brand-new unknown author. Don't make the mistake of looking at what they are accomplishing now for what is likely to happen to you unless you can fulfill both b and c, especially c. The already popular writer has a backlist and needs far less in the way of self promotion than a new author. They may say "Look at me, I'm doing better than ever before. If I can do it, anyone can." But that is, plainly speaking, balderdash. They've already achieved more than most aspiring writers ever will, and in doing so laid the groundwork for their current success. But if you have reason to be confident that you can do b and c, some self-published writers have made successful debuts, and maybe you can, too. Just be sure of what you want, what you are willing to do (some people write wonderful books, self-publish them, and then freeze up at the prospect of promoting themselves), and how hard you are willing to work.

Totally agree. We're also now in the third era of self-pub and the big names nearly universally came from Era 1--and those are the people only too happy to tell you why trad publishing should die/is unnecessary (we get it, Hugh: Wool is great and you sold a crapton of books and pocketed all of it. That was 2010! That model doesn't exist anymore!)

Hugh Howey and Michael J Sullivan were Era 1: low competition, low price point, eager consumer base with low barrier to try and buy something new, Quality: 20/60/20 utter shlok/good but needed editing/good. wild west, but the success stories show that self-pub can be "serious".

Era 2: competition surges and the market floods, KDP price point is good for discovery, not great for authors, Quality: 30/60/10 utter shlok/good but needed editing/good. Lots of, How To courses from "experts".

Era 3: AI Has Entered the Chat. KDP is awful all around, Quality: 70/35/5 utter shlok/good but needed editing/good. Lots of, I finished my first draft via ChatGPT and pressed publish, content that increases the barrier to new readers trying self-publishing bc it's "not serious", oddly driving readers to wattpad, RR and other sites with baseline content curation.

 

[sinister42]

This is definitely better--tighter, more direct.

The order is off -- start with the story (that's what you're selling), then go to comps, then history and personal.

Overall, i agree with @Teresa Edgerton: If you're saying, this has humor, the query needs to bring that humor (bone-dry or ocean-wet). It's hinted at, but you can pull it out more and feature it. The opening pitch is pretty left-field (werewolf astronaut, cyborg rockstar, hunted, abducted by aliens). If i put on my, How does this sell, agent hat, my question is, Does he have a premise, or can he land the plane? The task is showing you can handle the premise with a deft, humorous payoff.


vs

That's sopping wet (but also, i really like that line: every few words i'm like, wait, what? Wait. WHAT?) It also makes me wonder what technology era this is set in, but mostly because a) aspiring astronaut makes me think 1950's, and, b) Aspiring Astronaut is up there with, Noted Futurist, as a top-tier meaningless title for a business card.


You might consider condensing this and removing the synopsis component-- leave it a cliffhanger. The query is there to sell the book--your intention is to hook them and make them ask for more pages--so give them a taste and leave them wanting more.

When Robert undertook astronaut survival training, he missed the day they covered protecting a pack of werewolves from a persistent hunter while on a planet where it's always a full moon. Can Robert uses his scientific training and powerful werewolf abilities to remove, Aspiring, from his astronaut dreams and reunite with Clyve?​

There are also a LOT of agents on MSWL that call out that they're actively seeking queer voices, so including that can definitely work for you.

It's a good revision.

Thanks. It's set in the near future, only really hinted at by the prevalence of electric cars and rarity of gas cars. Robert drives a 2019 BRZ, which I refer to as a "classic," and Clyve asks him how he gets gas for the thing and is impressed Robert can drive a stick. Of course, that's not the only stick Robert drives that night...

I've also posted this to reddit.com/r/pubtips. Between here and there, I should be able to get this nailed down.

 

[hvoad]

So here's my problem. And I think I know the solution, but I don't know quite where to start. I haven't read much (if any) "new" fiction released in the last 5 years, other than a lot of short story collections. I actually (you may laugh at this) asked Chat GPT to find me comps for "a book involving werewolves and aliens," and I bought and am reading three of the books it recommended. But none of them were released in the last 5 years (the newest, "The Rook" which I realized after I started reading it that I've watched a lot of that TV show, was released in 2012). I guess I can ask Chat GPT to recommend me comps for "books involving werewolves and aliens released in the last 5 years." Any other ideas on how to dip my face into more recent fiction? I feel sort of at sea about that aspect of all this.

Bah, and yes, I have been using Christopher Moore, Douglas Adams, and Terry Pratchett as my "comps" thus far. I guess I'll stop doing that.

Edit: Ok, thinking about it, I have read a few more recent books: Adrian Tchaikovsky's Children of Time and T. Kingfisher's The Hollow Places being two examples. But neither of them is a comp for this book.

How'd you get ChatGPT to spit out real books? I've tried that and it's all fake book names. Also, Jane Friedman's a really good blog post on this. The comps don't have to just match the subject matter, it can be about theme or overall tone as well. It gives publishers an idea of where your book would on on a bookshelf and the trajectory of your sales. FYI, lots of this is regurgitated from this blog post by Penguin.

 

[sinister42]

Alright, now that you've all got a sense of the plot of the thing, I need help with the title. The current title, "The Werewolf Astronaut" doesn't really pop, does it?

Some ideas I have:

1. Werewolves and Aliens
2. Howling At An Alien Moon
3. AWOO: The Association of Werewolves and Oppressed Otherlings
4. Not All Heroes Howl At The Moon
5. Lycanthropic Astronomy for Dummies

"AWOO" is the name of the "Werewolf Union" that Robert and the pack all belong to.

Anything jump out at you? Any other ideas? Is the existing title just fine as it is?

 

[THX1138]

AWOO: The Association of Werewolves and Oppressed Otherlings

Like you said, its in the story. I like it.

 

[ColGray]

In no particular order (and they're all horrid puns)

1. Cosmic Love Tail
2. Lunar Love Tail
3. Howliday Adventure
4. Lunar Howliday
5. Moonbite
6. Fur-bidden Moonbite
7. Howling Moonbite
8. Alien Moonbite
9. Tail and Back Again
10. Moonanza

 

[THX1138]

Lunar Howliday

Funny!

 

[sinister42]

Taking one more crack at this before I send out my next batch. I really appreciate everyone's help.

Dear []:

For your consideration, I present AWOO: THE ASSOCIATION OF WEREWOLVES AND OPPRESSED OTHERLINGS, a queer contemporary fantasy novel of approximately 81,000 words. It will appeal to readers who enjoy the queer paranormal romance of Wolf at the Door by Charlie Adhara, as well as the weird humor and heart of podcasts like Midnight Burger and Welcome to Night Vale.

Two full moons after being bitten by a werewolf, Robert Vincent meets and falls for Clyve Nox, a cyborg, rock star, and ally of the local werewolf pack, who saves him from an attack by a huntress named Angela Martin. Clyve brings Robert to a werewolf bar so that Robert can meet the local pack and be inducted into the Association of Werewolves and Oppressed Otherlings (“AWOO”), a union for creatures that the mundane world rejects. Clyve and Robert get to talking, then flirting, and then get down to business at Robert’s place.

The next morning, Clyve is rudely abducted by aliens.

Rather inconveniently, the aliens live on a planet with a permanent full moon. To have any chance of mounting a rescue, Robert and his new packmates in AWOO must find a legendary medallion that will give them the power to resist their lunar transformations. And then, of course, find and steal an alien spaceship and fly it 150 light years to the planet where Clyve is being held, rescue him, and fly the ship home. All while fending off the persistent attacks of the huntress Angela Martin and her allies. Easy enough, right?

I’m a weird fiction author based in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I have a few publications under my belt. Most recently, I had two science fiction stories published in an anthology titled Written With Pride, a collection of queer fiction published by Not a Pipe Publishing.

 

[Swank]

Do you think your summary sounds like that of a humorous book or that the letter was written by a funny writer?

 

[sinister42]

You tell me. It's only funny if other people think it's funny.

 

[Swank]

You tell me. It's only funny if other people think it's funny.

No hint of humor in your letter. If I was looking for the kind of niche offering you describe, I might want to read the novel. But if was just looking for talent, I would pass because I wouldn't get the sense that the letter reflects the kind of humorous style necessary to make a book funny.

Generally speaking (I don't know how you write), lots of people that think they write funny are not. They are writing goofy, or idiosyncratic - but those things are not funny on their own. Humor is when you lead the audience one direction and then surprise them with an unforeseen resolution. You should have at least one sentence in your letter about your humorous writing that shows your ability to do that. And it doesn't even need to be something from the text; any sort of humor - even about letter writing - will demonstrate what the reader has in store from your prose.

IMHO, etc.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Humor is when you lead the audience one direction and then surprise them with an unforeseen resolution

That is one kind of humor certainly, but clever character insights, combined with a witty style that makes readers smile or chuckle fairly often, that also qualifies as humor. But if you have any of that in the book—and you may well—it still doesn't show up in the query letter