Critique my query letter?

[Toby Frost]

Generally speaking (I don't know how you write), lots of people that think they write funny are not. They are writing goofy, or idiosyncratic - but those things are not funny on their own.

This is broadly true: sooner or later, if you're claiming to write comedy, you have to tell actual jokes. Those don't have to be obvious gag/punchline/pun jokes, but they do need to be individual funny things (the French guard in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, say). A light story that proceeds from an absurd concept ("Father Christmas has a hangover") isn't enough.

However, I wouldn't try to put gags in a query letter. To my mind, this is business, and needs to be treated as such. They can find the comedy in the sample chapters. I would also shorten the description of the story to one paragraph. Something like this, except better:

Things are going badly for Robert Vincent. Two months ago, he was turned into a werewolf by the man of his dreams [assuming Clyve is]. Now Clyve has been abducted by aliens [possibly insert brief explanation for why]. Even worse, the alien planet has a permanent full moon. Now Robert must find an ancient medallion to protect him from the moon, steal a spaceship and rescue Clyve. And if that wasn't hard enough, a professional werewolf-hunter has him in her sights.

Something like that?

 

[ColGray]

this is business, and needs to be treated as such

I wholeheartedly agree with this. Jokes are funny. Comedy is serious--and there are many different ways to be funny.

But it's a fine line between serious business and showing your voice--it's hard to say, this is a (give a werewolf a bone) dry funny book, and have there be 0 intimations to humor.

I actually really like that description as a start: it is direct and establishes stakes, goal and motivation and doesn't get lost in over-complexity or introducing too many names or details.

Robert's life has gone from luxurious shine to full mange. After being bitten by a werewolf he met the man of his dreams, only, the man of his dreams is, apparently, a cyborg rock star. Who's now been abducted by aliens. And taken to a planet with a permanent full moon. To save his favorite boy-slash-chew toy, Robert must enlist the help of AWOOO (Association of Werewolves and Other Ostracized Oddlings), find an ancient medallion to protect him from the moon, steal a spaceship and fly it across the universe. And if that wasn't hard enough, a professional werewolf-hunter has him in her sights. It's enough to make a man howl.

(I couldn't recall the full name for AWOOO, sorry)

As always, puns

 

[sinister42]

Much to think about, thanks all!

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

But it's a fine line between serious business and showing your voice--it's hard to say, this is a (give a werewolf a bone) dry funny book, and have there be 0 intimations to humor.

This is exactly right.

Voice is one of the things that agents are impressed by, especially when a book is supposed to be humorous. You have so few words in a query letter, there are some things it is nearly impossible to communicate with the necessary economy: the depth of your characterization, your worldbuilding, etc. etc. But voice—especially a dry, humorous one—can come through in a few sentences.

The rest of the letter should be straight-forward, serious, and business-like, but the summary of the book can showcase a dry, witty voice.