I like it -- and that's helpful --but i'm not sure how i establish stakes without establishing some kind of antagonist and interpersonal conflict. There's an external arc of: (trio v kidnappers) v aliens, and an internal arc of: (Eigyr v Ronna v Maeve). Having stakes, in my mind, means having something where they're opposed and in conflict with one another for motivated reasons. Any suggestions around that?
I may remove the aliens as antagonist/threat. It's a complication with no time to be developed
Disclaimer: I am not a published writer
I don't know if you're still working on this but I wanted to bump it because I think it is a fantastic example of why writers should develop their log line and pitch looong before their final draft.
Do you feel like if you had done so, you would have a better, more coherent, cohesive story today? Saved a ton of your time?
When one is reading a pitch that contains a lot of unnecessary and disproportionate detail, it is usually a sign that the story is short on the necessary details... the things publishers and readers want: a sympathetic protag with a drive toward a goal, who faces strong opposition that threatens their emotional and/or physical state. Those are the details a pitch has to give us.
Instead we get three paragraphs to describe chapter one. Almost none on the rest of the story. Non sequiturs like "devouring her sanity" that aren't followed up on. Superfluous detail like "origami." Big attention-grabbing words like "boondoggle" for a minor, largely irrelevant-to-the-core-story detail. Short on conflict, tension, stakes. Long on cutesy wordplay and ambiguity and hints.
Nothing exposes a story's problems like trying to distill it into a short pitch or a log line. I think it is obvious the problem isn't your execution of the pitch, but the story you are pitching. That's typically the case and all the arrows here are pointing in that direction.
Dear writers, publishers are going to want you to demonstrate that you know who your protag is, what they want, what stands in the way and what the potential costs are. It's the story's main protag, through-line and emotional stakes that are going to sell your book to both publisher and reader. You should be able to write that in one clear sentence early in your writing process. A log line.
Also... Four equal protags are something that a Stephen King can get away with. Not a first-time novelist. Prove first you can handle one. And to do multiple protags well takes
hundreds more pages than a typical novel. Every one of those protags needs roughly the same weight and screen time. Even ensembles typically have a leader of the ensemble. And remember, deeper is always better, more meaningful than broader.
ColGray, you should be commended for finishing a book, creating characters and a world, and now looking for a publisher. And I do commend you. Well done. If it's your first book, you have to be honest with yourself, though, it's likely sh*t. It sounds from the pitch like it is. That's okay, that's where we all start. And no one will become a real writer till they've crawled through that pipe. You did. Good for you for doing so. you learned. Likely got better. That's awesome.
But most of all thank you for being brave enough to post this query up for critique and revealing to the community how important it is to get this stuff down much earlier in the writing process. People get so focused on world-building, they forget about story-building.
So, I think you have two options:
First, self publish it.
Two, use it as a resource for future stories. You have multiple protags, so you have the kernels for multiple stories. The Bent, KILLING Bents, sanity, wormhole, Eigyr thing sounds like the foundation of a pretty unique story. Find a suitable plot template, protag goal, develop an antag, externalize/mirror the sanity conflict, etc and write away
.
Prodigy running and hiding from relentless government pursuit sounds far less unique,
prima facie, but could still provide the basis for another story. It's no less unique than the heist plot template Sanderson is always going on about for eg. Find it a unique hook and some interesting, believable context and dynamic characters.
Hope things have been going well since you first posted this now months ago. Best of luck.
