February/March 2024 100 Word Anonymous Challenge

[farntfar]

PC Flunderclomp and the clever Easter Egg


‘That's clever.’

‘What is?’

‘The DeLorean behind us.’

‘A clever DeLorean?’

‘Yes, it's an Easter egg.’

‘A clever DeLorean Easter egg! You have to be the weirdest cop buddy the Chief ever paired me up with.You sure you haven't been sampling the contraband?’

‘No, hear me out, you are actually Christopher Lloyd, an actor. And you starred in Back to the Future. Which featured a DeLorean -clever, eh.?’

‘Not really.’

‘Why do you say that?’

‘Because if what you say is true…’

‘…it is, look behind you.’

‘Because if what you say is true, then neither of us exist.’

 

[farntfar]

Seek and Hide

Many decades ago I discovered the most valuable of treasures and determined that, for my future benefit, I must seek the perfect hiding place.
And on my quest I discovered a hidden planet.
And on that planet, a hidden sea.
And in that sea, a hidden island.
And on that island, a hidden valley.
And in that valley, a hidden city.
And in that city, a hidden street.
And on that street, a hidden house.
And in that house, a hidden room.
And in that room I hid the treasure.

Problem is, now I'm old, I can't remember which planet.

 

[farntfar]

Still haven't found what I'm looking for...


International podcast host Joseph Logan was empathising…

‘Yeah man, I lost myself once too…’

‘Oh, right, anyway Joe, I rode a bicycle to Kashmir to find myself.’

‘I was coming down from a six day Ayahuasca trip and said to the wife, “I can’t find myself, I better grab a bicycle and cycle up the Himalayas for a look”.’

‘Erm, aaanyway, Kashmir was where I first tried transcendental meditation.’

‘The wife said to me “Joe, you’ll go pure daft if ya don’t pack in the hallucinogens”.’

‘I’ve been practicing ever since.’

‘I know what ya mean, I’m tripping right now.’

 

[farntfar]

AK 47 Blues
Where does a wise man hide a Kalashnikov? Not under his raincoat, obviously.
A government armoury is probably a relatively wise solution, where so much death and agony already distorts perception.
I had wanted to end hunger; no-one should suffer, not even Overlords. No baby should awake crying in the night, no mother cry for him.
But nobody can succeed a revolution alone, and my fellow travellers want revenge, violence, blood.
So they gave me a Kalashnikov - crude, brute-force rebellion. "Humanity needs stimulus to act. Mothers must mourn, babies wail to balance generations of injustices."
I say NO!

 

[farntfar]

Crome Dome

I sat enjoying my coffee, reading the paper and people watching when the emergency sirens sounded the attack on the city. Finishing my coffee, I walked away as a low flying scout craft of the invading aliens went by , oblivious to my presents as they hunted down my fleeing fellow humans.

I heard a call for help and saw a family hidden behind a trash ben. Giving them a spear roll, I helped cover them and we all walked away safe and unseen. Who knew that the old tin foil cap on the head trick would work?

 

[farntfar]

The Sprits on the Moor

Staying in the back of the room, I enjoyed conversation until the wake was over. Now alone, I glared at the fireplace stonework. Removing the Dirk placed inside the Stag’s head above the mantal piece, I inserted it into the keyhole opening a hidden hideaway. A bottle of whisky was revealed; it tasted smokey sweet, almost alluring it was.

“I know the truth, Mother and Father.” The whisky turned to Gall as I removed the ancient Dirk, sealing them away.

As I left the castle I glanced at the graves of my siblings and swore to tell their story.

 

[farntfar]

My Refrigerator Story at McGinty’s Pub

“I sets up a hidden camera in my fridge to find out what’s been pilfering my food. I check the footage. A little door opens, then I sees this arm reach out and grab my leftovers. So I moved the fridge from the wall. Lo and behold there's a creature with twelve arms standing there in this small room. He looks at me and says, “What?” Terrified, I said, “Would you like a drink with that?”

Everyone laughs at Michael.

“It’s true. I made friends with him. He’s coming here tonight.”

“......”

“There he is. Stop screaming! You’ll upset him.”

 

[farntfar]

I See You, Dad

Lunar runes. Dad, the former family wizard, had left them for me to decipher, his code being written before he passed. The moonlight on the parchment revealed its message to me. It read BE SURE TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH.

It was so random and dumb, but it warmed my heart and gave me a hell of a laugh.

"I see you, Dad," I said to the sky. One of the stars in the ethereal ocean flickered. My dad, once the wizard, now my dad, the star. I playfully gave him the "loser" sign.

P.S. Thanks for the inspiration, Mr. Tolkien.

 

[farntfar]

New York Minute

Never heard gunfire, not in the world.
I dived and held my breath like everyone else.
We all cowered while this guy shouted threats at scurrying staff.
And then my ear buzzed.
Active status?
After all these years?
I tore open the battered ankle holster, pulled the weapon and the one minute badge.
The guy saw me and stalked across, aiming, screaming.
No matter.
First to break cover’s always the diversion.
An ultraviolet pulse singed the air as the pregnant woman's Wi-Taser crowned the guy's head with lightning.
He sprawled at my feet.
Yeah...
So, now I get free dental.

 

[farntfar]

The imperceptible enemy of Prime Minister Improv Redtie


Deputy Flunk was feeling frustrated.

‘We have constructed the invisible moat around Lóntuisteach’, he said.

‘Did you fill it with nothing like I requested?’

‘Yes Prime Minister.’

‘And did you add the invisible crocodiles?’

‘Yes Prime Minister.’

‘Liar, there’s no such thing as an invisible crocodile, now go get regular crocodiles and put them in the invisible moat.’

‘Are you sure that’s necessary Sir?’

‘Absolutely, an invisible enemy will easily swim an invisible moat undetected.’

‘Sir?’

‘What is it?’

‘Shouldn’t we do something about real enemies.’

‘Don’t be silly Flunkey, nobody cares about them -our greatest problem is the unknown.’

 

[farntfar]

Fashion Statement


‘What are you wearing?’ asked the waiter.

‘Oh, this, it’s an Andromedan intergalactic secret service uniform.’

‘Come again?’

‘An intergalactic secret service uniform.’

‘Really, what are those three symbols on the breast?’

‘They’re not symbols, they’re Andromedan script for ever camouflaged, ever disguised, ever incognito’

‘So you’re an extraterrestrial spy.’

‘Yes, my job is to secretly visit planets marked for colonization, and blend in before reporting back on how many natives there are, so we know how many there are to kill. The key is to go undetected’

‘Right so, then what’s with the uniform?'

‘I’m off duty this weekend.’

 

[farntfar]

Do you know the way to Seanleabapheistín?


‘Excuse me’, said the traveller to three men repairing the path, ‘I’m lost, and looking for Seanleabapheistín.’

‘Seanleabapheistín?, never heard of it’, replied one.

‘It sounds familiar’, said another.

‘You two are too young to remember‘, said the third, ‘but I know that name well. Seanleabapheistín was a familiar name back in the days of magic, when everything was shrouded in a mist of bewilderment. It was built on a hilltop. Facing away from this mortal realm into the endless potential of time.’

‘That’s it’, said the stranger, ‘do you know the way?’

‘Sorry, no, I forgot’, replied the man.

 

[farntfar]

The short contemplative security career of Umbarlon Hydroxil


‘I'm not in the tree’, explained the intruder.

‘Are you for real mate?’ yelled Umbarlon.

• The job of guarding the Aldernon Crystal was the most prestigious security detail on Fenossus.
• Lieutenant Umbarlon Hydroxil was rightly proud to have been appointed Guard of the Aldernon Vestibule.
• He found the stranger hiding in a tree just outside the door.

‘No, I told you, I don't exist.’

Umbalon considered the reply. It was an unusual one. Unusual enough to make Umbarlon contemplate his place in the Universe.

Which, ironically, was exactly the same amount of time needed for the theft of a crystal.

 

[farntfar]

The Phanonchaíocht of Valottam


Flub Backstertoittle’s wife was unimpressed:

‘You took a shortcut through the Valottam hills!’

‘Yes.’

‘And yet you’re late, are you sure that shortcut didn’t involve the Happy Tavern?’

‘I wish. It involved eyes as black as coal, thirteen rumbular appeandages, a galottum the size of a wheelie bin, and a scare I’ll never forget.’

‘Liar, the Phananonchaíocht doesn’t have a galottum.’

‘How would you know?, you've never seen it.’

‘The Book of Bongerlon is very clear on what the Phanonchaíocht looks like, and it definitely doesn’t mention a galottum.’

‘Really?, then what the hell did I just run into.’