Elevator Pitch and Log Lines

[ColGray]

Hi all -- I'll be attending a conference in about ten days and have lined up a few agent meetings at the conference and know a few authors who met their agent at this conference. Readying a log line and elevator pitch has been strongly recommended by one of those friends and I was hoping to get some feedback on them.

Please note that I'm following the Janet Reid/Jane Friedman formats for both the log and pitch and that these are meant to be spoken, not read.

Log Line
One sentence summary that follows this format: Protagonist with a need -->Antagonist with a Need --> Stakes --> Interesting Twist --> A Timeline or Deadline (Optional)

Estranged twin sisters unintentionally reunite to shield their neurodiverse physics prodigy daughter from kidnappers, but the teenager, tired of being hunted, reinvents outlawed technology and fractures space-time, awakening a cosmic threat that could unravel the universe.

Elevator Pitch
30-45 second pitch for the book that follows this format: Genre -->Comps -->Themes --> Cool Factor -->Log Line Elements
(Current length is about 42 seconds, spoken at a normal pace)

Bent is adult scifi that blends A Long Way to a Small Angry Planet with Empire of Silence, and explores found versus biological family and moral implications of weaponizing scientific discovery. In a future where humanity travels the galaxy by wormhole, bents are the car accidents of the stars: where healthy ships enter, sometimes grotesque, fractal nightmares of flesh and metal emerge. Estranged twin sisters unintentionally reunite to shield their daughter from kidnappers intent on harnessing the teen's genius for their ends. But the gifted student, unknowingly counseled by the Oppenheimer of wormhole technology, channels her fear into weapons that can bend reality and remake the balance of power in the universe.

 

[msstice]

Estranged twin sisters unintentionally reunite to shield their neurodiverse physics prodigy daughter from kidnappers, but the teenager, tired of being hunted, reinvents outlawed technology and fractures space-time, awakening a cosmic threat that could unravel the universe.

This reads _a bit_ like YA because it seems to focus many words on the YA character.

In a future where humanity travels the galaxy by wormhole, bents are the car accidents of the stars: where healthy ships enter, sometimes grotesque, fractal nightmares of flesh and metal emerge.

This is great, but I can't connect it with the main plot. Are the bents connected to the weapons?

But the gifted student, unknowingly counseled by the Oppenheimer of wormhole technology, channels her fear into weapons that can bend reality and remake the balance of power in the universe.

I feel a merging of this version and the first version would be more powerful.

I suggest

1. Less words on describing daughter and more on connection to bent
2. Merge the two versions of the log lines

 

[ColGray]

The YA bit has been a major challenge, yeah--the book is definitely not YA (not bc it's "adult" <eyebrow waggle>, but because it's just not YA) and trying to convey that when one of the main trio is a 17yr old has moved me back and forth.

That's a great call out on the connection--both to the characters and weapons.

I also did a quick search on how many car accidents there are and realized that may set expected frequency too high, so I'm amending that.

How's this for a Elevator Pitch?

Bent is adult scifi that blends A Long Way to a Small Angry Planet with Empire of Silence, and explores found versus biological family and the morals of weaponizing scientific discovery. In a future where humanity travels the galaxy by wormhole, bents are the airplane crashes of the stars: where healthy ships enter, sometimes folded, fractal nightmares of flesh and metal emerge. After rescuing a healthy infant from a bent ship, a salvager-soldier foists the child on her twin sister and leaves. Decades later, the estranged twins unintentionally reunite to shield their daughter from kidnappers intent on harnessing the young woman’s genius for their ends. But the gifted student, unknowingly counseled by the Oppenheimer of wormhole technology, channels her fear by twisting the science into weapons that fracture space-time, awakening a cosmic threat that could unravel the universe.

 

[msstice]

The YA bit has been a major challenge, yeah--the book is definitely not YA (not bc it's "adult" <eyebrow waggle>, but because it's just not YA) and trying to convey that when one of the main trio is a 17yr old has moved me back and forth.

That's a great call out on the connection--both to the characters and weapons.

I also did a quick search on how many car accidents there are and realized that may set expected frequency too high, so I'm amending that.

How's this for a Elevator Pitch?

Bent is adult scifi that blends A Long Way to a Small Angry Planet with Empire of Silence, and explores found versus biological family and the morals of weaponizing scientific discovery. In a future where humanity travels the galaxy by wormhole, bents are the airplane crashes of the stars: where healthy ships enter, sometimes folded, fractal nightmares of flesh and metal emerge. After rescuing a healthy infant from a bent ship, a salvager-soldier foists the child on her twin sister and leaves. Decades later, the estranged twins unintentionally reunite to shield their daughter from kidnappers intent on harnessing the young woman’s genius for their ends. But the gifted student, unknowingly counseled by the Oppenheimer of wormhole technology, channels her fear by twisting the science into weapons that fracture space-time, awakening a cosmic threat that could unravel the universe.

Yes, this is a lot clearer!

 

[Righmath]

Is this for the San Fransisco writers conference? I did this last year.

I haven't done elevator pitches before and began telling my story. But I the read the blurb which they liked. It was short and punchy.

I like your pitch, but are you able to share your blurb (if you have one)?

 

[ColGray]

Is this for the San Fransisco writers conference? I did this last year.

I haven't done elevator pitches before and began telling my story. But I the read the blurb which they liked. It was short and punchy.

I like your pitch, but are you able to share your blurb (if you have one)?

It's for Muse and the Marketplace, in Boston. The agents have seen and read my query and synopsis and one has my full ms.

Can you be more specific about "blurb?" I've got a log line, an elevator pitch, a query and a synopsis. Do you mean like a back cover blurb? I don't have have something specific to that, but the blurby-bit of the query is below.


Eigyr Bhatia salvages nightmares. It’s lucrative. It’s exhilarating. It’s devouring her sanity.

Bad wormhole trips cause Bents: fractal origami contortions of ships and souls. Eigyr and her crew kill Bents and salvage what remains. When she discovers a healthy infant born to a dying Bent, she does the sensible thing: she ditches the baby with Ronna, her overachieving twin sister.

Seventeen years later, Ronna’s life is in shambles. Divorced, demoted and nearly destitute, she sacrificed it all to protect Maeve, her 17yr old neurodivergent physics prodigy daughter. When kidnappers leave Maeve injured and their home trashed, Ronna jumps at a lucrative boondoggle bound for the safety of deep space in search of mythical aliens. But an unexpected reunion with Eigyr presents distinct dangers. The sister’s mutual guilt and resentment roils, then chills when the kidnappers trap their fleet.

Ronna pushes Maeve to flee. Eigyr vows to protect her. Done with being hunted, and unknowingly mentored by the Oppenheimer of wormholes, Maeve chooses to be feared and twists the science into a new weapon. But with victory in reach, a retreating ship is bent, tearing space and irrevocably proving the aliens are anything but mythical. If they hope to survive, the women must navigate shifting morality and twisting reality as the truth of Maeve’s origin unfolds.