Hello dear community,
I've managed to build some courage to share a maniscript after a while, mostly due to that (don't know how common) insecurity derived from a seemingly endless editing process, and overly re-reading my work to see if I notice anything odd.
I wanted to share the first 1.4k words of the first chapter of my WIP; medieval fantasy novel. The whole chapter is more than 5k words long (is that too much?).
My main issues are: 1) Is the opening engaging at all? 2) I'm struggling with the incorporation of tags for thoughts, juggling between clarity or redundance and 3) I fear my story may be relying too much on dialogue.
Thanks in advance.
The thunderous beat of her armored boots echoed through the cold, stone corridors of the ancient Royal Palace. The Commander of the Royal Guard raced forward, her chest heaving with exertion as her rapid breathing mingled with the frantic steps of the guards flanking her. Flickering candles cast fleeting rays of light on her sweat-drenched face, revealing the fierce resolve in her silver eyes. Time felt like an elusive specter slipping through her grasp, and fate loomed like a cruel witness, eager to write the next chapter in the history of the Kingdom of Clysse.
Her bushy brown wolf tail remained stiff as she pushed onward, the urgency of her task driving her forward. She took a sharp right turn, her retinue following closely, their boots leaving a trail on the dusty tiles. Suddenly, she halted, her brown wolf ears twitching as she raised her nose to sniff the air, then turned her gaze to the left, toward the main gate.
He’s coming. He’s really coming.
The dim flames of the chandeliers flickered weakly, casting eerie shadows across the grand hall. Candles burned low, their wicks nearly consumed, and wax dripped down ancient bronze fixtures marked with rust and tarnish. A guard stepped forward and unlocked a small door that creaked upon opening, allowing the Commander to enter the Hall Royale.
As she crossed the threshold, she gulped nervously.
This is all there is…
The Queen and the King stood, looking at each other with more doubts than certainty. More guards arrived to hold their positions.
“Long live the Valdenne dynasty!” they shouted.
The small retinue of guards looked focused, their steel armor gleaming over the distinctive dark green clothes of the Guard. Their shields were up, though their weapons remained sheathed.
“Commander Navallet! The gate is locked!” A young man shouted with determination.
“Very good! Keep the hall secured!” she commanded, joining the formation around the Queen.
The Commander of the Royal Guard stood ready. Her normally stoic face flinched, betraying unease, but she quickly hardened her expression and sniffed the air again.
The dim stench of blood from outside. We’re just a step away from civil war.
Across the room, the hint of death was palpable.
This is it, Sophie. Until the end.
She approached the short, chubby King who paced back and forth, head down and red-faced, hands clasped behind him. His feet drew anxious circles on the dusty tiles.
“Albert, stop pacing! We’ll deal with him here! Guards are securing the area,” the Queen yelled, her grayish hair tousling slightly.
The commander’s breathing was slow and deep, her eyes fixed on the massive gate at the end of the hall.
He’s not coming to talk anymore.
She walked forward, her voice steady. “My king, my queen! It’s time to go!”
The King mumbled, his chin trembling, “Thanks, Sophie. Don’t worry, Irene. I’ll... I’ll greet Daniel myself. This is absurd.”
“Are you out of your mind, Albert? Let’s deal with him together! After all our councils and meetings, he has never had the audacity to come here without advance notice!” the Queen yelled.
Sophie gulped.
That’s right, and that’s why we shouldn’t be here in the first place.
The King’s face turned even redder. “I just cannot accept more tantrums from this General!”
The Commander’s wolf ears twitched as she heard steps and closing doors. She turned and saw a woman entering the throne room from another hallway.
Why is the princess alone? Where’s Natalie?
The woman entered the hall. “It’s not a tantrum if he has the whole army behind him! Where is the rest of the Royal Guard?!”
Her fine armored boots echoed around the hall as she stepped in, walking slowly and firmly. The King and Queen’s faces turned white as they saw the orange waves of their daughter’s hair drawing closer. The princess’ blue eyes shone with determination.
“Diane! What are you doing here? It’s too dangerous!” the Queen yelled, but the princess didn’t share her mother’s fear.
“Mother! I must confirm the rumors about the Scarlet Order marching towards the palace myself!” Diane said.
More guards arrived and joined the formation, but one voice stood out among them. “My princess, there you are! Stop acting so rashly! We must leave at once!” she yelled.
The Queen’s eyes widened and she frowned. Her face turned redder, watching the princess’ personal guard stride clumsily into the hall.
The commander’s wolf ears stiffened, and her tail fluffed up. “Natalie, there you are! How could you leave the princess alone at a time like this?”
A burst echoed from outside. Men and women screamed on the other side of the gates, their grunts merging with the sound of metal clashing against metal. Sophie’s ears twitched.
That must be him.
Diane stepped forward. “Mother, Father, don’t be afraid! We have faced more dire circumstances.”
No, princess. We haven’t.
Sophie gritted her teeth. “Natalie, take the heirs out of the palace! I thought you had that already clear!”
Natalie frowned uneasily, her pink eyes darting around as she stood before the commander. “Ye... Yes, commander! But Diane...” She glanced at the princess, who stood resolutely next to the King.
“Enough, commander. The guard is already assembled. I don’t think the General will do anything stupid,” the Queen said.
“Stupid like what?” Diane asked.
Like taking over the kingdom.
Sophie sighed, “We must get out of here!”
Making the princess follow orders is easier said than done.
“Diane, this is the worst moment to get stubborn, come on!” Natalie’s brow furrowed with frustration.
Her words dissolved into a thunderous noise that gradually filled the air. Hundreds of synchronized steps grew louder by the second until they became almost deafening. The sound halted dead just outside the main gates at the end of the hall. Steel clanged against steel, and grunts and screams resonated beyond the tall, carved doors.
It’s mayhem outside.
Then, silence.
A droplet of sweat fell from Sophie’s tanned face, echoing as it hit the tiles. The King was gasping for air, his breathing echoing in the sordid silence of the hall. He turned his face and stared at the Queen with glassy eyes.
“Irene…” he whispered.
**Screeeeeeech!**
A loud slash cut through the gates from ceiling to floor, shattering the inner bars locking the entrance. Light from outside burst in abruptly, forcing everyone to shield their eyes—everyone except Sophie, as a polished blade reflected the rays of the sun into the darkened hall.
“That curved and thin blade can only belong to one man…” she muttered.
Daniel Heart-Eguisse.
His black and burgundy coat waved with the wind that entered the hall as he walked inside with his army behind him. His short auburn hair seemed more reddish than usual, and his icy pale blue eyes were fixed on the throne. The scent of blood from the chaos outside the gates filled the air inside the Hall Royale, casting twisted shadows on the dusty chandeliers.
My fallen comrades...
“Your majesty, I must apologize. The Scarlet Order will cover this unfortunate wreckage, but I shall be your guest for a while, for urgent matters,” his voice was warmer than his gaze.
You don’t fool me, Daniel.
Diane’s face reddened with tension as she frowned. “What is the meaning of this, General?! Sword in hand, forcing your way into the palace!” She stepped forward to face Daniel alone.
Sophie unsheathed her sword and rushed to stand before the princess. The myriad guards followed her lead, weapons drawn.
What is this girl doing?!
King Albert suddenly walked forward, his embroidered shirt heavy and drenched in sweat.
“Diane, step back! I’ll take care of this!” The King’s steps didn’t match the firmness of his words.
Queen Irene, Natalie, Sophie, and the guards moved swiftly to follow him. Sophie’s heart pounded fast.
Has the King gone mad?!
Daniel sighed as he walked, his shoulders relaxed. “I’m afraid my presence before you wouldn’t be necessary if you had honored our agreement, Your Majesty.”
Maybe, maybe not.
Queen Irene quickened her pace. “You are exceeding your authority by a large margin, General! This is absolutely barbaric and unnecessary!”
Daniel is not the barbaric one. Where is Arck Meier?
Sophie scanned her surroundings, but didn’t find the man she was looking for. She tightened her grip on her sword and moved forward next to the Queen. She glanced down and noticed the King’s trembling hands.
We shouldn’t be here.
I've managed to build some courage to share a maniscript after a while, mostly due to that (don't know how common) insecurity derived from a seemingly endless editing process, and overly re-reading my work to see if I notice anything odd.
I wanted to share the first 1.4k words of the first chapter of my WIP; medieval fantasy novel. The whole chapter is more than 5k words long (is that too much?).
My main issues are: 1) Is the opening engaging at all? 2) I'm struggling with the incorporation of tags for thoughts, juggling between clarity or redundance and 3) I fear my story may be relying too much on dialogue.
Thanks in advance.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The thunderous beat of her armored boots echoed through the cold, stone corridors of the ancient Royal Palace. The Commander of the Royal Guard raced forward, her chest heaving with exertion as her rapid breathing mingled with the frantic steps of the guards flanking her. Flickering candles cast fleeting rays of light on her sweat-drenched face, revealing the fierce resolve in her silver eyes. Time felt like an elusive specter slipping through her grasp, and fate loomed like a cruel witness, eager to write the next chapter in the history of the Kingdom of Clysse.
Her bushy brown wolf tail remained stiff as she pushed onward, the urgency of her task driving her forward. She took a sharp right turn, her retinue following closely, their boots leaving a trail on the dusty tiles. Suddenly, she halted, her brown wolf ears twitching as she raised her nose to sniff the air, then turned her gaze to the left, toward the main gate.
He’s coming. He’s really coming.
The dim flames of the chandeliers flickered weakly, casting eerie shadows across the grand hall. Candles burned low, their wicks nearly consumed, and wax dripped down ancient bronze fixtures marked with rust and tarnish. A guard stepped forward and unlocked a small door that creaked upon opening, allowing the Commander to enter the Hall Royale.
As she crossed the threshold, she gulped nervously.
This is all there is…
The Queen and the King stood, looking at each other with more doubts than certainty. More guards arrived to hold their positions.
“Long live the Valdenne dynasty!” they shouted.
The small retinue of guards looked focused, their steel armor gleaming over the distinctive dark green clothes of the Guard. Their shields were up, though their weapons remained sheathed.
“Commander Navallet! The gate is locked!” A young man shouted with determination.
“Very good! Keep the hall secured!” she commanded, joining the formation around the Queen.
The Commander of the Royal Guard stood ready. Her normally stoic face flinched, betraying unease, but she quickly hardened her expression and sniffed the air again.
The dim stench of blood from outside. We’re just a step away from civil war.
Across the room, the hint of death was palpable.
This is it, Sophie. Until the end.
She approached the short, chubby King who paced back and forth, head down and red-faced, hands clasped behind him. His feet drew anxious circles on the dusty tiles.
“Albert, stop pacing! We’ll deal with him here! Guards are securing the area,” the Queen yelled, her grayish hair tousling slightly.
The commander’s breathing was slow and deep, her eyes fixed on the massive gate at the end of the hall.
He’s not coming to talk anymore.
She walked forward, her voice steady. “My king, my queen! It’s time to go!”
The King mumbled, his chin trembling, “Thanks, Sophie. Don’t worry, Irene. I’ll... I’ll greet Daniel myself. This is absurd.”
“Are you out of your mind, Albert? Let’s deal with him together! After all our councils and meetings, he has never had the audacity to come here without advance notice!” the Queen yelled.
Sophie gulped.
That’s right, and that’s why we shouldn’t be here in the first place.
The King’s face turned even redder. “I just cannot accept more tantrums from this General!”
The Commander’s wolf ears twitched as she heard steps and closing doors. She turned and saw a woman entering the throne room from another hallway.
Why is the princess alone? Where’s Natalie?
The woman entered the hall. “It’s not a tantrum if he has the whole army behind him! Where is the rest of the Royal Guard?!”
Her fine armored boots echoed around the hall as she stepped in, walking slowly and firmly. The King and Queen’s faces turned white as they saw the orange waves of their daughter’s hair drawing closer. The princess’ blue eyes shone with determination.
“Diane! What are you doing here? It’s too dangerous!” the Queen yelled, but the princess didn’t share her mother’s fear.
“Mother! I must confirm the rumors about the Scarlet Order marching towards the palace myself!” Diane said.
More guards arrived and joined the formation, but one voice stood out among them. “My princess, there you are! Stop acting so rashly! We must leave at once!” she yelled.
The Queen’s eyes widened and she frowned. Her face turned redder, watching the princess’ personal guard stride clumsily into the hall.
The commander’s wolf ears stiffened, and her tail fluffed up. “Natalie, there you are! How could you leave the princess alone at a time like this?”
A burst echoed from outside. Men and women screamed on the other side of the gates, their grunts merging with the sound of metal clashing against metal. Sophie’s ears twitched.
That must be him.
Diane stepped forward. “Mother, Father, don’t be afraid! We have faced more dire circumstances.”
No, princess. We haven’t.
Sophie gritted her teeth. “Natalie, take the heirs out of the palace! I thought you had that already clear!”
Natalie frowned uneasily, her pink eyes darting around as she stood before the commander. “Ye... Yes, commander! But Diane...” She glanced at the princess, who stood resolutely next to the King.
“Enough, commander. The guard is already assembled. I don’t think the General will do anything stupid,” the Queen said.
“Stupid like what?” Diane asked.
Like taking over the kingdom.
Sophie sighed, “We must get out of here!”
Making the princess follow orders is easier said than done.
“Diane, this is the worst moment to get stubborn, come on!” Natalie’s brow furrowed with frustration.
Her words dissolved into a thunderous noise that gradually filled the air. Hundreds of synchronized steps grew louder by the second until they became almost deafening. The sound halted dead just outside the main gates at the end of the hall. Steel clanged against steel, and grunts and screams resonated beyond the tall, carved doors.
It’s mayhem outside.
Then, silence.
A droplet of sweat fell from Sophie’s tanned face, echoing as it hit the tiles. The King was gasping for air, his breathing echoing in the sordid silence of the hall. He turned his face and stared at the Queen with glassy eyes.
“Irene…” he whispered.
**Screeeeeeech!**
A loud slash cut through the gates from ceiling to floor, shattering the inner bars locking the entrance. Light from outside burst in abruptly, forcing everyone to shield their eyes—everyone except Sophie, as a polished blade reflected the rays of the sun into the darkened hall.
“That curved and thin blade can only belong to one man…” she muttered.
Daniel Heart-Eguisse.
His black and burgundy coat waved with the wind that entered the hall as he walked inside with his army behind him. His short auburn hair seemed more reddish than usual, and his icy pale blue eyes were fixed on the throne. The scent of blood from the chaos outside the gates filled the air inside the Hall Royale, casting twisted shadows on the dusty chandeliers.
My fallen comrades...
“Your majesty, I must apologize. The Scarlet Order will cover this unfortunate wreckage, but I shall be your guest for a while, for urgent matters,” his voice was warmer than his gaze.
You don’t fool me, Daniel.
Diane’s face reddened with tension as she frowned. “What is the meaning of this, General?! Sword in hand, forcing your way into the palace!” She stepped forward to face Daniel alone.
Sophie unsheathed her sword and rushed to stand before the princess. The myriad guards followed her lead, weapons drawn.
What is this girl doing?!
King Albert suddenly walked forward, his embroidered shirt heavy and drenched in sweat.
“Diane, step back! I’ll take care of this!” The King’s steps didn’t match the firmness of his words.
Queen Irene, Natalie, Sophie, and the guards moved swiftly to follow him. Sophie’s heart pounded fast.
Has the King gone mad?!
Daniel sighed as he walked, his shoulders relaxed. “I’m afraid my presence before you wouldn’t be necessary if you had honored our agreement, Your Majesty.”
Maybe, maybe not.
Queen Irene quickened her pace. “You are exceeding your authority by a large margin, General! This is absolutely barbaric and unnecessary!”
Daniel is not the barbaric one. Where is Arck Meier?
Sophie scanned her surroundings, but didn’t find the man she was looking for. She tightened her grip on her sword and moved forward next to the Queen. She glanced down and noticed the King’s trembling hands.
We shouldn’t be here.
