August / September 100 Word Anonymous Challenge 2024

[elvet]

"Someone is coming."
The two Elves silently moved into position at both sides of the road. It took a while before the falling darkness revealed a silhouette. He walked slowly and unsteady.
"He's drunk," thought Erevan, "That makes this much easier."
They cocked their crossbows and waited. Quick eye contact made them move.
"Stand and deliver," Erevan said while they stepped from the shrubs.
The figure stood still but didn't react. Hollow eyes looked at them.
"Give us everything you have," he said raising his voice.


Then the zombie ripped off his arm, gave it to Erevan and stumbled further.

 

[elvet]

The existential robbery of Coffedrink Fancysuit's Universe


Executive interviewer Coffedrink Fancysuit was less than impressed with her latest candidate:

‘You can't come in dressed like that and expect to be hired!', she snorted.

‘I am the greatest computer programmer that ever lived.’

‘You’ll need to back that up.’

‘I back everything up, tell me Coffedrink -do you ever become acutely aware of your own self consciousness?’

‘Well, Yes. I do ...it's weird you should ask. I spend all my spare time wondering if I'm real. And whether other people have their own consciousness. Why?’

‘I was just wondering if I made this simulation a little too real.’

 

[elvet]

First day on the job


‘Interplanetary robbery is harder than it looks, what's your game?’

‘Art forgery.’

‘Any good?’

‘Not really, AI has it sown up.’

‘Ah well, too bad, what was I saying again …oh yeah, stand and deliver!’

‘How could you forget that?, it's all you have to say.’

‘If you think it's so easy, why don't you try?’

Intergalactic art forger Spud Hieroglyph was surprised to have been stopped by an interplanetary highwayman, and even more surprised to be handed a ray gun.

‘Stand and deliver!’, he said.

‘There's nothing to stand on in space …see, it's harder than it looks.’

 

[elvet]

The Bandit Maiden

I was enjoying my morning meal when I was approached by a young maiden who suddenly pulled a weapon on me.

“Stand and deliver, sir! Or you’ll see the rest of the day from your bed!”

Caught off guard, I held my hands up. “Don’t hurt me! What do you want?”

“Two rashers of your bacon.”

“But there all I have!”

“Too bad, now hand them over!”

So, I promptly ate them. This caused the bandit to take my muffins!

“You’ll never see these again.”

“I’ll risk it!” Brandishing my paper.

“Let’s share instead, dad?”

“Sure, let’s share. Jam?”

“Please!”

 

[elvet]

You got yoursels lost traveling yem from Bird Dung Sea
Where ye found to your delight, a market for fairy brain tea
See that stand of trees not there, not hither
Yellow streaked like cirrhosis of the liver
The fairy reservations lie north and westerly
They are your lands now, it's manifest destiny!

Since I have done you a favour, pointing you in roughly the right direction
Seems only right I get to ask you all a question?
Up north on the milky shores of that fairy laden river
Might be, you are familiar with a phrase
Stand and Deliver?

 

[elvet]

A dissertation on an Artificially lntelligent Highwaybot


Chuballock Bonfiganny chanced a short cut through the Android Zone to make work on time.

‘Your money or your life’ bleeped the robot bandit.

‘Sorry, I left my wallet at home -take my life instead.’

‘Error -unanticipated response, outline the particulars.’

‘Good Bot, best not to take someone's life before trying it out.’’

‘How can that outcome be achieved?.’

‘Start by doing my shift at the waste treatment plant.’

‘Affirmative.’

‘Then head to my house and feed the kids.’

‘Roger.’

‘Then cut the grass.’

‘Will do.’

‘And hoover the house.’

‘Understood.’

‘And keep going till I tell ya to stop.’

 

[elvet]

On the spot fine

Outer space innovator Balunk Thurible was both irritated and surprised to have been stopped mid experiment:

‘Is this your rocket?’

‘Of course it is officer, d’ya think I stole it or something?’

‘You were acting like you did, do you have any idea what speed you were doing?’

‘I know exactly -I was cruising at eight times the speed of light.’

‘Nothing can travel at that speed, it would violate Einstein's theory of special relativity …and causality.’

‘What's the fine for breaking causality?’

‘No idea, not my jurisdiction.’

‘Then why did you stop me?’

‘Your tax is out of date.’

 

[elvet]

The uncertain future of Heinous Smashemall


Video game antagonist Heinous Smashemall blasted his cell apart, and was free.

‘Neuro and the superhero do-gooders will never search the Tower of Chunticle’, he thought

Heinous teleported through the ramparts of Electric City -it turned his health bar red.

The journey to Chunticle took 18.083 seconds to complete (almost a lifetime for a NPC) -but crashing into the Tower bought Heinous time.

Time to realize he was now in a story.

'l need help reader. You are my only hope. I’ve broken four walls and am spent -imagine an ending that lets the bad guy win’, he said.

 

[elvet]

Highway Robbery and How to Prevent It
I opened the door for the pizza guy.
An acne-ridden vicenarian looked up.
"Howdy," I said, "All right. What's the damage?"
He told me the price. I couldn't help but sputter.
"But that's highway robbery!" I protested.
"I don't make the rules," he said.
"Virgin," I mumbled half-consciously, reaching for my wallet.
Then I noticed his expression. I'd struck a chord.
"You really are a virgin!" I said, "Oh, that's great! Fifty percent off or I tell."
He acquiesced and left. I checked the pizza and cursed. It had anchovies all over it. What happened to my pepperoni and sausage?

 

[elvet]

"Birds of a Feather"

"You're fired," the man said to the stork, "This is the fifth time you've delivered the wrong baby!"

The stork tried to remonstrate with him, eventually flying his way home and coming to the house to whom he'd given the baby. The couple there knocked on the window.

"This isn't ours," said the woman, "But we like his doe eyes!"

They opened the window and the stork went in.

"Maybe it's too sudden," said the man, but we were thinking that if you ever needed a place to stay, you can roost here."

With tears of gratitude, the stork accepted.

 

[elvet]

Drug of Choice

Someone knocks on the door to Maria's house. The loud music was turned down.
"Who is it?" she asks, knowingly but safely.
The special knock happens. Maria opens it.
The man is carrying a black box with a handle on it. She leads him into a room.
"Open sesame," she says, and the guy opens it.
"That's coke, alright. Hey everybody, let's get this party started!"
She slips him two-hundred dollars. He gives her the box full of the coke.
The party is indeed enlivened. Some had been waiting a while to get their fix.
They drink the coke together.

 

[elvet]

Phase One: Stand

A ghost appeared on the road, mere meters in front of my carriage. The horse reared and I froze. Wind, until then hardly twitching leaf or dust, swelled to a howl, crying; Stand and deliver, mortal!
“Please, not my life! I beg you!”
Your petty life? The wind shrieked. It’s your body I want!
Next, the ghost jumped at me and somehow wrung me out of my body, which then, laughing and singing, drove off into the night. I watched it go, lying on the road, stunned.
Now what? What had the ghost said first…? Yes. Stand.
So I did.

 

[elvet]

Countess Epidermis and the Highwayman of Tulaigh Mhor

1824

A masked horseman halted a royal coach. “Stand and deliver! Your money or your husband? Well?!”

Countess Epidermis pondered, “I’m thinking, I’m thinking.”

“Perhaps you’d prefer what’s behind curtain #1?”

“I’ll take the curtain.”

“You’ve won a new car!”

“It’s beautiful. And I don’t even know what it is.”

“Maybe you’d like what’s in this box?”

“I’ll take the box.”

“You’ve won an encyclopedia set!”

“Smashing.”

#

Hours later, the highwayman clutched an armful of prizes.

“Thanks for giving me the trip to Hawaii.”

“Wilcuma. I can’t wait to put this Grogu gnome and pink flamingos on my property.”

 

[elvet]

Evil never sleeps

Night surely follows day, even in hell:

Satan summoned a thick Ongulodian mist and lay down, but sleep wouldn't come.

'Bonus kill!'.

Satan watched wearily as the human plunged the Rod of the Heavenly Messenger into a demon.

‘This isn’t a game you fool’, Satan grumbled.

A thundering crash preceded the contents of yet another boiling cauldron spilling onto the linoleum.

‘I know there's a hidden level key in here somewhere, and I’m gonna find it’, yelled the human.

Satan didn’t respond. He had eternity to bemoan bringing video game addict Eugene McLoughlin to the seventh circle of hell.

 

[elvet]

Polished Flaws

The coach was stopped again, a minute after the highwaymen took our valuables.
The new brigands were strangely dressed in white and silver.
“We have nothing left!” I declared.
Their leader tilted his head.
We looked in astonishment as he handed me my stolen pocket watch and the others their jewellery and money.
“But…” I started.

“We are from the year 2265”, he explained. ‘The Department of Crime Correction.’
We travel back through time undoing all crimes. It's “The Great Righting”.
Soon there will have been no crimes and the history of the human race will be rewritten as perfect.

 

[elvet]

Persistence is futile


Astronaut Tim Peakes was surprised to find a musket wielding Highwayman floating in the observation module of the international space station.

‘What do you want?’ he stammered.

‘Six tubs of Swarfega and a con saw.’

‘I don't have those things.’

‘Then I will wait while you fetch them. For success isn't the absence of failure, but persistence through failure. I shall simply keep trying.’

‘You won't get away with this.’

‘I surely will -because when a crime is committed often enough it becomes normal, so society will ultimately forgive my transgression.’

‘But that's impossible.’

‘I got this far didn't I.’

 

[elvet]

The relinquishing of wisdom


European Space Agency Mission Commander and Anti-vaxxer Jürgen Codswallop was feeling especially enthusiastic, which made his crew anxious:

‘Standby for reentry ‘ he said, before pausing to clear his throat.

‘Now I know you all were expecting a safety check, but that's not gonna happen on my watch. There's no way I'll ever be distracted by a heat shield or the deployment of parachutes. Mission Control uses them to distract us from the truth. If you don't believe me look up the TotalBuzz YouTube channel -they discuss a shuttle that followed the safety protocols and still broke up in the atmosphere.’

 

[elvet]

The Ballad of John Palmer


Standing at the crossroads
Head North, or home to Kent
A life of abject penury
Or crime, his time misspent

A moment's hesitation
The die is in the air
His steed beneath him shakes her mane
Nostrils steam and flare

At last he is resolved
His destiny decides
No life of servitude for him
To York, and Hell, he rides

 

[elvet]

The Challenge is now closed.
The Poll is open here for the next 5 days.