Dragon sword

[Mans]

This is a piece of a story I wrote briefly and didn't expand the description of its scenes and characters. In fact, I wanted to show the story's theme, which is legendary. Of course, I created the story with my pen, and it is not related to a Chinese tale.

I hope I can benefit your advice.

Thank you


The old Chinese man with a worn bag on his back stopped in front of Peterson's antique shop. He was wearing Chinese peasant clothing and a hat. As Peterson was cleaning a glass vase with a white kerchief, he glanced at the Chinese man out of the shop inattentively. The man was watching the antique items in the showcase. He stared at a bare sword and investigated all its details carefully. After a while, he entered the shop and asked Peterson, with a non-native English accent, "Hello sir. Can I ask about that sword in the showcase?"

This time, Peterson looked at him curiously, stopped cleaning the vase, and replied, "Yes, you can."

The Chinese man put his bag on the floor and asked, "Where did you get that sword?"

Peterson frowned a little and said, "Well, it is my job to buy old stuff and sell them later."

"I did mean, who sold that sword to you?" asked the old man.

Peterson glanced at the sword and said, "He was a Chinese citizen like you. I bought it for $10 three years ago. It is still there and has not been sold yet. Is there any problem?"

The Chinese man said hastily, "Oh no, I have no problem, but if it is the same sword I'm looking for, I want to buy it. But before that, I should know who was the seller. It is a personal issue."

"I didn't know him. I didn't even know his name. He said it was his grandfather's sword and he wanted to sell it," Peterson replied.

The Chinese man asked, "Was he a fat and strong man with a sore on his face from his eyebrow to his cheek? He also limped a little."
Peterson said, amazed, "Yes, he was a person with those characteristics. I remember him well. After the deal, I would never meet him again. Do you know him?"

"Yes, sir. I know, but the story is long. Let me ignore telling it because it would not be understandable for you. Can I visit and touch that sword? I want to be sure it is the same sword I am seeking."

"No problem," said Peterson. He went, took the sword from the showcase, and brought it to the Chinese man and gave it to him. When the man took the sword in his hands, he first looked at it carefully and read the engraved letters near its handle. Then he closed his eyes, ran his hand across its blade. Suddenly, his face turned red and he began speaking in Chinese, “ 还是那把亲爱的剑。它告訴我，那是龍劍。我聽到它的話。” Then he opened his eyes looked at the sword eagerly and continued,“ 我終於找到你了，救世主！有你在，龍就不會再活了！”

 

[tinkerdan]

As usual there are some interesting notions and mostly precise writing. Having noted in previous work of yours the admission to having run your work through an AI I hesitate to go into depth of critique for personal reasons of having no desire to critique an AI's work.

I will say that there is a detached feeling to a lot of the work that might be in part contributed by the AI. It might work better to ditch the AI and or at least let us know which ones have definitely been run through the Ai and which ones haven't.

The old Chinese man with a worn bag on his back stopped in front of Peterson's antique shop. He was wearing Chinese peasant clothing and a hat. As Peterson was cleaning a glass vase with a white kerchief, he glanced at the Chinese man out of the shop inattentively. The man was watching the antique items in the showcase. He stared at a bare sword and investigated all its details carefully. After a while, he entered the shop and asked Peterson, with a non-native English accent, "Hello sir. Can I ask about that sword in the showcase?"

This paragraph is fraught with writing that is sometimes difficult to read.

The first and second sentences, for instance, read like the second is an afterthought--thrown in.
It might read better like this:

The old Chinese man, wearing peasant clothing and hat, with a worn bag on his shoulder, stopped in front of Peterson's antique shop.

The next sentence is a bit tongue twisting or maybe brain twisting.
I am assuming that you mean that Peterson's glance was inattentive.(Which often glances tend to be.)

As Peterson concentrated on cleaning a glass vase with a white kerchief, his inattentive glance caught the form of the Chinese man outside of the shop.

now this one:
The man was watching the antique items in the showcase. He stared at a bare sword and investigated all its details carefully.

Watching can be one of those filtering words and this one is doing a poor job.
Were the items doing something--like dancing, that might captivate someone, or was he expecting them to move or jump.

Perhaps it would be better to say.

The man's gaze was fixed on the antique items in the showcase. Specifically on the bare sword as if inspecting it's every detail.

This might be construed as being in Peterson's POV and the narration should be from what he sees rather than to have him know exactly that the man is carefully investigating every detail.

Now I will drop down the the strange writting.

I am not an expert on the Chinese language so you might try to get with someone who is if you mean to include this.

When I put these through a translator I get.

还是那把亲爱的剑。它告訴我，那是龍劍。我聽到它的話。


Háishì nà bǎ qīn'ài de jiàn. Tā gàosù wǒ, nà shì lóng jiàn. Wǒ tīngdào tā dehuà.

It’s still that dear sword. It told me that it was a dragon sword. I hear its words.



我終於找到你了，救世主！有你在，龍就不會再活了！


Wǒ zhōngyú zhǎodào nǐle, jiùshìzhǔ! Yǒu nǐ zài, lóng jiù bù huì zài huóle!


I finally found you, savior! As long as you are here, the dragon will never live again!

No comment about the actual English part of this. Just the fact that it took the writing and first translated that to verbal then to the English.

If the narrator were showing us the writing on the sword(Though I don't think what he said was what was written)then the form you used would work.

However when he speaks I think it is better to put this in the verbal form.

Háishì nà bǎ qīn'ài de jiàn. Tā gàosù wǒ, nà shì lóng jiàn. Wǒ tīngdào tā dehuà.


Wǒ zhōngyú zhǎodào nǐle, jiùshìzhǔ! Yǒu nǐ zài, lóng jiù bù huì zài huóle!

Once again I say--not an expert here.

 

[ValStuart]

I'll be polite but direct. Your prose is clear but amateurish. And according to another respondent, perhaps (at least, in part) AI-generated.

Here is why/how your prose needs work:
1. The first paragraph conveys interesting ideas yet in a verbose and clunky style
2. Using "old" as an adjective for people is considered rude by some and "a tell" by others. Let his actions and description show his age
3. Try activation, tightening and removing passive voice techniques
4. When a new character acts or speaks, start a new paragraph (google TiPToP guidelines)
5. Contains redundant words

Let's take another stab at this.

Worn bag upon his back, the gray-haired man hobbled to a halt in front of Peterson's Antiques. He removed his Chinese peasant's hat and peered inside.

As Peterson cleaned the glass vase with a white kerchief, he glanced up, noting the man outside his window.

The gray-haired man's eyes fixated upon a sword lying bare on the showcase shelf. His eyes scrolled across every inch of the blade. He finally entered Peterson's shop and, with a thick accent, asked, "Hello, sir. Can I ask about that sword?"

That was 87 words, and Grammarly (the free non-AI version) scores it 92/100

Your first paragraph scores a 69/100 and is 97 words long.

 

[Mans]

As usual there are some interesting notions and mostly precise writing. Having noted in previous work of yours the admission to having run your work through an AI I hesitate to go into depth of critique for personal reasons of having no desire to critique an AI's work.

I will say that there is a detached feeling to a lot of the work that might be in part contributed by the AI. It might work better to ditch the AI and or at least let us know which ones have definitely been run through the Ai and which ones haven't.


This paragraph is fraught with writing that is sometimes difficult to read.

The first and second sentences, for instance, read like the second is an afterthought--thrown in.
It might read better like this:

The old Chinese man, wearing peasant clothing and hat, with a worn bag on his shoulder, stopped in front of Peterson's antique shop.

The next sentence is a bit tongue twisting or maybe brain twisting.
I am assuming that you mean that Peterson's glance was inattentive.(Which often glances tend to be.)

As Peterson concentrated on cleaning a glass vase with a white kerchief, his inattentive glance caught the form of the Chinese man outside of the shop.

now this one:
The man was watching the antique items in the showcase. He stared at a bare sword and investigated all its details carefully.

Watching can be one of those filtering words and this one is doing a poor job.
Were the items doing something--like dancing, that might captivate someone, or was he expecting them to move or jump.

Perhaps it would be better to say.

The man's gaze was fixed on the antique items in the showcase. Specifically on the bare sword as if inspecting it's every detail.

This might be construed as being in Peterson's POV and the narration should be from what he sees rather than to have him know exactly that the man is carefully investigating every detail.

Now I will drop down the the strange writting.

I am not an expert on the Chinese language so you might try to get with someone who is if you mean to include this.

When I put these through a translator I get.

还是那把亲爱的剑。它告訴我，那是龍劍。我聽到它的話。


Háishì nà bǎ qīn'ài de jiàn. Tā gàosù wǒ, nà shì lóng jiàn. Wǒ tīngdào tā dehuà.

It’s still that dear sword. It told me that it was a dragon sword. I hear its words.



我終於找到你了，救世主！有你在，龍就不會再活了！


Wǒ zhōngyú zhǎodào nǐle, jiùshìzhǔ! Yǒu nǐ zài, lóng jiù bù huì zài huóle!


I finally found you, savior! As long as you are here, the dragon will never live again!

No comment about the actual English part of this. Just the fact that it took the writing and first translated that to verbal then to the English.

If the narrator were showing us the writing on the sword(Though I don't think what he said was what was written)then the form you used would work.

However when he speaks I think it is better to put this in the verbal form.

Háishì nà bǎ qīn'ài de jiàn. Tā gàosù wǒ, nà shì lóng jiàn. Wǒ tīngdào tā dehuà.


Wǒ zhōngyú zhǎodào nǐle, jiùshìzhǔ! Yǒu nǐ zài, lóng jiù bù huì zài huóle!

Once again I say--not an expert here.

You are right, exactly.

What is better for a rookie writer like me to understand my mistakes through such critiques? When you teachers point out my mistakes and errors, it is very beneficial for me to adapt myself with the instructions.

Yes, after I write a piece of a story, I deliver it to AI to correct my errors, but as I see it, it makes the issue worse! For example, it changed "things" into "items".

But my bigger mistake was that I wrote some dialogues in Chinese (with Google Translator).

Every time you show me the way of writing a story in English, it helps me to advance a few steps. I sometimes read the teachers' critiques a few times to memorize some of their advice.

Thank you so much

 

[Mans]

I'll be polite but direct. Your prose is clear but amateurish. And according to another respondent, perhaps (at least, in part) AI-generated.

Here is why/how your prose needs work:
1. The first paragraph conveys interesting ideas yet in a verbose and clunky style
2. Using "old" as an adjective for people is considered rude by some and "a tell" by others. Let his actions and description show his age
3. Try activation, tightening and removing passive voice techniques
4. When a new character acts or speaks, start a new paragraph (google TiPToP guidelines)
5. Contains redundant words

Let's take another stab at this.


That was 87 words, and Grammarly (the free non-AI version) scores it 92/100

Your first paragraph scores a 69/100 and is 97 words long.

A complete lesson in a few lines!

It actually is fruitful, and I will try to memorize them.

I also enjoyed your manner of writing as a sample, compared with my unfamiliar writing!

Thank you, mentors, a bunch

 

[BAYLOR]

You are right, exactly.

What is better for a rookie writer like me to understand my mistakes through such critiques? When you teachers point out my mistakes and errors, it is very beneficial for me to adapt myself with the instructions.

Yes, after I write a piece of a story, I deliver it to AI to correct my errors, but as I see it, it makes the issue worse! For example, it changed "things" into "items".

But my bigger mistake was that I wrote some dialogues in Chinese (with Google Translator).

Every time you show me the way of writing a story in English, it helps me to advance a few steps. I sometimes read the teachers' critiques a few times to memorize some of their advice.

Thank you so much

Keep writing , keep trying. The more you wrter the better you get .