Retribution

[Mans]

Hello all

I have to practice nonstop to progress in story writing, so I have to write and write.

This is a part of story I wrote from yesterday until now. I tried to edit it slightly, but what I need to find my errors are your critiques.




Three male leopards injured him. He had a few wounds on his body, with the worst being on his shoulder. One of the leopards bit him deeply on the shoulder and tore his muscle. Blood flowed from his shoulder to his claws, and now he was getting away from the fight place after he managed to flee and get rid of the strong young leopards. He was not able to battle the three leopards at one time. Although, he could hit the leopards with his claws a few times and injure them somewhat, but if he continued that unequal fight he was certainly killed. He had to leave the place rapidly before they wounded him more, close to death. After he escaped, they pursued him for a while, but they finally left him and went back to their territory. Now, he was walking limping with the pain of the injuries towards an uncertain destination. Nevertheless, he was careful not to encounter other leopards in the area in that critical condition.

The weather was hot, and he was thirsty, especially since bleeding increased his thirst. He stopped and began sniffing to find his way towards a pond or pool, and then he continued walking in the direction where he supposed he could find water.

At that time, he saw a few elephants moving in a different direction in the distance. He understood from their manner of walking, bulging belly, and bodies covered with mud that they were coming back from a place where there was water. He lay on the ground behind a bush to hide himself from the sight of the elephants. If they could sense his presence there, they would be excited to attack him with his weak and injured body, and he would not be able to flee quickly. When the elephants got away, he stood up, moved to the route they crossed, and followed their footsteps toward the location they were coming back from. After the long way he walked with difficulty, he eventually reached a muddy pool.

A group of baboons and a few antelopes were around the pool. When they saw him didn’t scare and escape as always, because they understood he was wounded and weak and could not to hunt. They only stared at him in silence carefully. He began drinking water greedily.

The strong leader of the baboons shouted sarcastically from the other side of the pool, "Oh champion of the forest, what did your companions do to you? They nearly killed you! We baboons don't harm one another like that." The crowd of baboons burst into laughter. He continued with his sarcastic remarks, "Pray that other leopards don't come across you in this state, or else the hunter will become the hunted!" The baboons laughed even louder.

When he was watered, he looked at the baboon unsatisfied and said with a low sound, "Ugly baboon! That is why you are a monkey. Despite my wounds, I am still a leopard."

"Yes, you are a leopard, but almost a dead one!" said the baboon spitefully. Again, the loud laugh of the baboon group raised.

He didn't say anything in response to the baboon's words and moved limping toward the shade of the trees in the distance, while the baboon continued his annoying sarcasms, "Look! The crippled champion is leaving us..."

He left the pool, went under the shade of a tree, and lay down powerlessly. Now, he was far enough from the pool and didn't hear the clamor of the baboons. He put his head on his hand and stared into the distance, thinking, "They don't know me. They don't know about my adventure. No one of them knows I was cursed to be a leopard and tolerate these hardships and manner of living until my death. There is no way, and I have to live with these wilds until then… This is my destiny. Now I have to fight for my life with lions and other leopards, day and night...” Then he looked at the baboon malevolently from a distance and thought, "If I survive, I will revenge that cocky monkey. He did not witness the blood that always dripped down from my sword. He doesn't know that I am worse than a leopard at shedding blood. I will remember and revenge him..."

At that time, he noticed two yellow and wide eyes watching him from beyond the bushes. He also sensed the smell of a leopard.

 

[beccabear67]

Hi. I edited a small circulation (though paying) magazine briefly quite awhile back now. I would be most careful with the tenses in any sort of an action scene and repeating some words more often than necessary unless that is intended for some sort of effect. My only interest in editing was to find whatever was the clearest way for the writer to get across what they were writing and would not want to change any actual content. So here is what I would suggest from the first few lines, a lot of small modifications to tighten and keep a flow. This is hardly the only way to write this, and I impose my choices only because it seems the best way I might get across what I think Strunk & White's Elements Of Style would guide us toward.

Fighting three male leopards had injured him. He'd received a few wounds on his body, with the worst being on his shoulder. One of the leopards bit deeply on the shoulder and tore his muscle. Blood flowed from shoulder to claws, but now he was getting away from the site of the fight, managing to flee and be rid of the strong young leopards. He was not able to battle three leopards at one time. Although he could hit the leopards with his claws a few times, and injure them somewhat, if he continued that unequal fight he'd certainly be killed.

I hope this doesn't offend. Personally I have to keep reminding myself in any of my writing to eliminate qualifiers such as 'think', 'guess', or 'like' and I don't think (oops) you have that weakness of mine. I mostly write non-fiction though.

This may or may not give you an idea of how to continue with your own choices.

 

[Mans]

I really appreciate it

It is the same writing technique that I could not write, according to the native English reader's choice.

As you pointed out, I used extra words in addition to my fault for not writing fluently. What you wrote is nice and expressive. I really wish to write like that. I must make an effort to follow that manner of writing. I will try.

Thank you so much for your time