My Short Story About Peeping Tom

[Guttersnipe]

This story is from last month's challenge; it didn't place because it was three words over. I have now reduced it to 75 words. I didn't think it belonged in the "Improving Our 75-Word Stories" thread because it didn't make it.

The story is told from the point of view of an embarrassed blind Peeping Tom who denies knowingly watching Godiva as she rode through the streets in her birthday suit. I was wondering, does the story communicate this well, or is it confusing? I won't use re-writes, but they are welcome for the purpose of demonstration. Here it is:

Discreet Tom
"Sir, let me tell you my tale. I knew Godiva was going through town. I knew of her condition then. It was the horse that alerted me. The gallop sounded beautiful yet curious, arousing my suspicion. I only then darted my eyes over to her for a moment. Stricken blind! Oh, I hear that same horse approaching. What does she...it...look like? What, now you don't believe me, either? To hell with you, then!"

Finis

 

[THX1138]

Hay Guttersnipe! The way I read this is that the Peeping Tom heard the sound of the horse approaching from an around the bend/corner, then at the moment he turns to look at Godiva goes blind before even seeing her. Almost as if the sight of the horse was the cause of the blindness, thus never seeing Godiva.

And this part,

What, now you don't believe me, either? To hell with you, then!"

through me off a bit. I feel that it might work better if he realizes that the listener has left him. Something like,

Hello? Are you still there? Gone again. Fine, don't believe me then!

Otherwise, a fun story!

 

[Guttersnipe]

Hay Guttersnipe! The way I read this is that the Peeping Tom heard the sound of the horse approaching from an around the bend/corner, then at the moment he turns to look at Godiva goes blind before even seeing her. Almost as if the sight of the horse was the cause of the blindness, thus never seeing Godiva.

And this part,

through me off a bit. I feel that it might work better if he realizes that the listener has left him. Something like,

Hello? Are you still there? Gone again. Fine, don't believe me then!

Otherwise, a fun story!

Thank you. I'll give it another go or two based on your advice. Would it work better if I wrote "darted my eyes over to Godiva" instead?

 

[THX1138]

Yes, that would work better for what you're going for.
Maybe indicate the blindness in a way that reader gets the notion beforehand too?