Crossing the death passage

[Mans]

Hello

This is another fantasy story I wrote recently, though this part is not a representation of such the genre, but it is the beginning.

However, I appreciate your fruitful critiques.


He had left behind the dangerous part of the river. It was a long narrow passage with big rocks and a strong water flow. The turbulent water and rocky river bed could smash his wooden boat into pieces. He used all his effort to hold the boat straight in the intense flows between the rocks. The boat clashed with some rocks frequently, and he expected it to be broken or drowned in the deep whirlpools at any moment. After the breathtaking minutes, he finally could cross safely from the crushing route and reach a wide place with shallow and smooth water.

That place was like a large pond with clear water. Salmons were swimming in the shallow water, as he supposed he could catch some of them with his hand. As the boat moved forward slowly with a gentle flow of water, he began emptying water from the boat with his hat. When the boat ran out of water, he checked his luggage among his sword, bow, and quiver to have not been lost.

In the last turn of the river, he reached a place divided into two branches by a ground resembling an island in the middle. The ground was meters higher than the river which was cover with palm and other trees. He could see a large wooden cottage within trees, surrounded by small gardens. The cottage roof was covered with thin timbers and sealed with plants like rice stalks. A path with dirt steps appeared to be the only way to reach the top of the ground, and a small boat was tied with a rope to a short tree trunk near the steps.

When he reached the place, he took his sword from the luggage and dismounted from the boat. He fixed his boat to the same trunk and climbed up the path. When he reached the top, he looked around to see if someone was there, but there was nobody. He clenched the sword in his hand and moved cautiously toward the cottage.

When he reached the front garden, he suddenly saw a big tiger jump out from behind the trees furiously and roaring. He involuntarily unsheathed his sword quickly and prepared for a definite confrontation with the tiger. At that moment, he noticed that the tiger was tied to a tree with a thick chain, and it could not attack him.

At that time, a graybeard man emerged from the cottage and shouted at the tiger, "Keep calm and return to your place!" When the tiger heard the senior man's voice, he turned his head towards him, calmed down, and went back to the tree, where there was a clay container of water. Then, he shouted at the newcomer, "Sheath your sword and come closer. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with you. It is an obedient cat."

He hesitated for seconds but eventually trusted the tiger owner and sheathed his sword. He approached cautiously, mindful of the tiger lying close to the entrance door. When he reached the senior, he said, "You have a terrifying pet, sir."

He laughed shortly and replied, "Yes, it is a frightening guard, but unlike its nature and appearance, it is a good friend to me. Well, tell me, what do you want here? Nobody has almost stepped in here up to now? I am surprised to see you alive. How could you cross from the death passage with that frangible boat?"

 

[Karapace]

I see from previous threads that english is perhaps not your first language, which I surmise explains some of the weird use of tenses. For example "A big tiger jump out from behind the trees furiously and roaring" should perhaps read "A big tiger jumped out from the trees, roaring furiously" you don't really need "behind". This is all stuff that takes a bit of practice.

Otherwise I would start the story at "The turbulent water etc."by telling us he has passed through this you take away all the drama. Starting with the rapids makes a great dramatic begining

 

[Mans]

Hello, Karapace

It was a mistake that I used present tense instead of past.

You are right. "behind" was an unnecessary and redundant word.

Did I make a lot of mistakes in the rest of my writing?

 

[Karapace]

A few "nobody has almost stepped in here up to now." sounds a little weird.
Also I might be tempted to use a different fish to salmon. You only tend to get salmon going up stream to spawn, after which they either die or return to the sea

 

[PadreTX]

I had to push myself to read through story. Words like had and was made it seem like character did step one, then character did step two instead of a story with flow that makes it easier and more enjoyable to read.

When the character gets off the boat, he takes his sword but not his bow and quiver. I don't get the rationale for that.

Sorry to say this but it needs to be redone.

 

[Mans]

A few "nobody has almost stepped in here up to now." sounds a little weird.
Also I might be tempted to use a different fish to salmon. You only tend to get salmon going up stream to spawn, after which they either die or return to the sea

He uses this expression because some close familiar persons came to the area to meet him.

Salmons are swimming against the flow, and they have not reached their final destination to spawn.

 

[Mans]

I had to push myself to read through story. Words like had and was made it seem like character did step one, then character did step two instead of a story with flow that makes it easier and more enjoyable to read.

When the character gets off the boat, he takes his sword but not his bow and quiver. I don't get the rationale for that.

Sorry to say this but it needs to be redone.

Thank you for reading the story

In the beginning I used "had" to show past perfect (behind) compared to the time I used past simple when he reaches the place where the river flows smoothly.

I speak as a writer, not as a swordsman. Using a sword is easier and faster than shooting some arrows with a bow that has a long delay. He is an expert swordsman, and his main weapon for close combat is a sword, although he is also skilled in using a bow. He probably uses a bow and arrow for hunting or fighting from a distance, but in that situation, a sword is a better defensive tool.

 

[Swank]

He had left behind the dangerous part of the river. It was a long narrow passage with big rocks and a strong water flow. The turbulent water and rocky river bed could smash his wooden boat into pieces. He used all his effort to hold the boat straight in the intense flows between the rocks. The boat clashed with some rocks frequently, and he expected it to be broken or drowned in the deep whirlpools at any moment. After the breathtaking minutes, he finally could cross safely from the crushing route and reach a wide place with shallow and smooth water.

This is passive sounding, over explained, too long and the vocabulary is off:

The dangerous part of the river was behind him; narrow, rocky passages with rushing currents that could have smashed the fragile boat to pieces. It had taken all his efforts to steer through it, with every scrape and bang what could send him into the depth of the whirlpools.

 

[Karapace]

He uses this expression because some close familiar persons came to the area to meet him.

Salmons are swimming against the flow, and they have not reached their final destination to spawn.

"nobody has almost stepped in here up to now." Still sounds off, it make me think did people come here or didn't they? Almost is the word that doesn't work. "Few come here" would read better.

 

[Mans]

"nobody has almost stepped in here up to now." Still sounds off, it make me think did people come here or didn't they? Almost is the word that doesn't work. "Few come here" would read better.

That's right

The sentence with "almost" seems confusing, and It would have been better if I had used clearer dialogue

 

[Mans]

This is passive sounding, over explained, too long and the vocabulary is off:

The dangerous part of the river was behind him; narrow, rocky passages with rushing currents that could have smashed the fragile boat to pieces. It had taken all his efforts to steer through it, with every scrape and bang what could send him into the depth of the whirlpools.

Hello, padreTX

Yes, that is shorter, with more appropriate words that make better sense for readers, though it eliminates a part of the descriptions.

 

[Swank]

Hello, padreTX

Yes, that is shorter, with more appropriate words that make better sense for readers, though it eliminates a part of the descriptions.

It eliminates describing the same things multiple times: He went through the dangerous river. The river was dangerous. The dangerous river could have killed him. He's past the dangerous river.

 

[Mans]

It eliminates describing the same things multiple times: He went through the dangerous river. The river was dangerous. The dangerous river could have killed him. He's past the dangerous river.

Well, I agree that you are much better than me in English, and most likely you are a native English writer and fluent, so what you say is undeniable.

You pointed out that "the vocabulary is off".

Could you please show me which words I used in that piece were not correct? (It is important for me to realize my mistakes)

 

[Swank]

Well, I agree that you are much better than me in English, and most likely you are a native English writer and fluent, so what you say is undeniable.

You pointed out that "the vocabulary is off".

Could you please show me which words I used in that piece were not correct? (It is important for me to realize my mistakes)

"strong water flow" is "current". "salmons" is "salmon". "Luggage" makes it sound like tourism. "Greybeard" is "grey bearded". "tied with a chain" is "chained". Etc.

I'm sorry, if you are not fluent in English, I will bow out.

 

[Mans]

No, no! I'm delighted to hear your voice. It was a fruitful lesson for me.

Your last comment particularly woke me up to use proper words carefully.

Thank you so much