The Wrong Bus (Very Short, in Need of Expansion)

[Guttersnipe]

I wrote this story last night, but I've had the general idea for a while. This is my first draft, more of an outline than anything. I'm planning on expanding it a lot and making it into a longer creepypasta. Any ideas as to how I should expand and possibly rephrase the story are welcome.

"The Wrong Bus"

It's 7:45 P.M., and I'm in such a hurry to get home to my dog that I walk onto a bus I've never seen before. I don't even notice the number on it, if there is one. I mechanically pay the fare. Automatically, I sit in the seat closest to the driver, a habit of mine. As soon as I put my cellphone back into my wallet, I take stock of my surroundings.
On a seat kitty-corner to me, there's a seventy-ish man with a white beard reading a newspaper. But that isn't what got me. He was missing an eye, its socket blood-stained. He notices me and looks up. His remaining eye is piercing.
"What the f*** are you looking at?" he says.
I immediately avert my gaze, and I hear him re-shuffle his newspaper. Turning around, I see a handful of people nearer the back. A chill rushes through me.
There is a teenage girl with a wide, bloody hole through her forehead and scars on her arms. A middle-aged man has a knife in his chest with the handle sticking outwards. A man around my age had a sickly black substance trickling from his orifices. I look away.
Now I knew where I am. I decide against glancing at the driver; I half-expect him to be Satan himself.
I ring the cord. For a while, I think it's too late, that the driver will not stop. To my surprise, he does.
No sooner do I exit the bus than it completely vanishes. The night has become pitch-black, barring the street lamps' lights. I notice I'm close to home, and walking there doesn't bother me. I am very cautious, though...because some day, I know the wrong bus will be the right bus.

 

[Dave]

Ah-ha! Is it Halloween already? The idea is sound, though not at all original. Not that it matters really if it works. If it were going to become a short story then you need to keep the big reveal until close to the end, so the girl with the bullet wound and the man with the knife in his chest must come much later. That means a much longer introduction. Where had you been, and why, how long did you wait for the bus. More description of the bus stop and the bus itself is needed. Who is the driver? What did you smell before you turned around? What did you hear from behind you? What did you see through the windows? However, you could also expand on whether or not the bus will stop. And where exactly did you get off? Maybe it only looks like home but isn't home at all?

 

[Guttersnipe]

Ah-ha! Is it Halloween already? The idea is sound, though not at all original. Not that it matters really if it works. If it were going to become a short story then you need to keep the big reveal until close to the end, so the girl with the bullet wound and the man with the knife in his chest must come much later. That means a much longer introduction. Where had you been, and why, how long did you wait for the bus. More description of the bus stop and the bus itself is needed. Who is the driver? What did you smell before you turned around? What did you hear from behind you? What did you see through the windows? However, you could also expand on whether or not the bus will stop. And where exactly did you get off? Maybe it only looks like home but isn't home at all?

I'd prefer not to have the ghostly nature of the passengers as the twist; I'd rather have the main character figure he's on the bus with them earlier, and then build tension. If I leave that part out until the end, it wouldn't be that much of a scary story imho. I know it's not very original, but neither are most ghost stories. However, I do agree I need to add more detail, especially of a sensory nature.

 

[THX1138]

Hay Guttersnipe! So, I read this and have been thinking about a possible story outline.

Your MC is in a hurry to get home to his dog, and he runs across the intersection to get to the bus stop as he sees the bus approaching. Only later to realize that he was almost hit by a taxi without realizing it. (Where he sees the passengers as you as described.)

Later, he unknowingly takes the same bus home, but this time it's with only one passenger. Later to only realize that he could have prevented their early demise. (And still can't see the bus drivers face.)

Time and life go on when he is faced with a catastrophic situation that results in him finding himself on the bus again, then learns that the bus driver is the taxi driver that almost killed him in the first place and is his reason for his(MC) rides on the bus; his is an and is his(MC) murderer. (Fill in with emotional storm of fear, confusion and then yielding to his murderer's dominance and control.) Maybe end with his thoughts of challenging his murderer for control of the bus?

Just a brainstorm idea.

 

[Karapace]

I like the ending. Some day the wrong bus will be the right bus. The story itself is not hugely original, I've seen many verisions of "ghost bus" but it wouldn't take much to add a twist. I think the ghosts could be more subtle at first, small things are noticed and gradually racked up. I would probable leave out the actual murder weapons

 

[Yozh]

I like this piece, the whole Charon vibe. As far as expansion, maybe main character could see someone they know on the bus? Maybe some kind of interaction with the driver? As others said maybe start with some more subtle ghosts, and not solely bloody murder victims?

 

[paranoid marvin]

I'd have the passengers be friendly towards him. Much more creepy.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Also I wouldn't mention the time, and say that he is rushing to catch the last bus of the night, and he would be rushing to get on and not motice anything. At first.

Perhaps have the smell of putrefaction draw his notice; maybbe have a maggot drop onto his head, or crawl out of the old fella's eye socket.

Perhaps have each of the paasengers having understandable injuries - a 'hole in the head' isn't rwally plausible.

Of course, you could have the story end with the protagonist suddenly realising he is dead himself. Perhaps he had a heart attack running for the bus, or it had knocked him down?

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Sorry for the long delay in replying, read when you first posted. I liked it. It might be good to have a micro intro prefacing the bit -so a sort of ...(xyz, blah fate blah...story...one day this will be my bus). Perfect timing for Halloween

 

[msstice]

I feel it is missing tension and buildup. There is also some incongruous mildness in the language ("I half-expect him to be Satan himself", "that the driver will not stop. To my surprise, he does.")

I'm assuming it's not comedy-horror, so it's just horror. Written gore is less effective (I think) than visual gore, so I think one can't rely on gore in writing. It has to be atmosphere and anticipation and, in common with movies, things left out, that the reader fills in for himself.

 

[farntfar]

I like it, and especially the ending "Some day, I know the wrong bus will be the right bus".
But it has certainly been done before.

The best example I can think of is "Confidence trick"", a short story by John Wyndham which takes the twist at the end a little bit further and had some amusing ways the minor devils made a few bob on the side.

 

[Mans]

Aside from the writing techniques which I cannot speak about, I only point to the story flow.

The descriptions change rapidly without giving the reader a clear sense of the odd characters and environment.

You also wrote, "to get home to my dog" and it is not clear what role the dog plays in this story.

 

[farntfar]

I often have a similar need to get home on time for my cat, although I would be hard pressed to tell you what part she plays in my own story, other than simply being there.

 

[Swank]

cellphone back into my wallet,

Enormous wallet or tiny cellphone? Is this SF?

take stock of my surroundings.

avert my gaze

These two hackneyed phrases would be great with the humorous intent of a Guy Ritchie script or the songs of The Streets. Are you going for something like that?

Now I knew where I am.

Know where I am. The rest of it is present tense, 'knew' is past.

knife in his chest with the handle sticking outwards.

Where else could the handle be pointing?

I ring the cord.

Pull the cord. Ring the bell.

The night has become pitch-black, barring the street lamps' lights.

That sounds actually very well lit in most cities. Not so pitch black.



I guess I found the language distracting.

 

[Guttersnipe]

Enormous wallet or tiny cellphone? Is this SF?


These two hackneyed phrases would be great with the humorous intent of a Guy Ritchie script or the songs of The Streets. Are you going for something like that?

Know where I am. The rest of it is present tense, 'knew' is past.

Where else could the handle be pointing?

Pull the cord. Ring the bell.

That sounds actually very well lit in most cities. Not so pitch black.



I guess I found the language distracting.

Whoops! You're right; there are a lot of errors. I'll try to be more careful next time. This is just a draft, really.