Hee: The Melody of Peace.

Ian Fortytwo

A Poet, Writer and eclectic Reader.
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Hee: The Melody of Peace.

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far beyond the reach of human telescopes, there lived an alien named Hee. Hee hailed from the vibrant planet of Lumeria, a place where colours danced in the skies and music flowed like a gentle river. Hee was no ordinary being; endowed with extraordinary abilities, this gentle soul was both bulletproof and capable of reading minds. Perhaps most remarkable of all was Hee's power to manipulate time itself—a gift that would prove invaluable in the quest for peace.

Hee had a soft, luminescent skin that shimmered like starlight, and large, expressive eyes that reflected the emotions of those around them. Though Hee could understand any language, the music produced from the violin they conjured out of thin air transcended words. It resonated with the heartstrings of all beings, evoking feelings of love, hope, and understanding.

One fateful day, Hee received a transmission from a distant planet known as Earth. The message was one of despair; two nations were on the brink of war, their armies poised for battle, driven by misunderstandings and deep-seated grievances. Hee felt a pull in their heart—a calling to intervene and prevent the senseless loss of life.

With a flick of their wrist, Hee manipulated time, arriving on Earth just moments before the battle was set to commence. The air crackled with tension, and the sound of marching feet echoed through the valleys. As Hee appeared in a flash of light, both armies halted, their eyes wide with astonishment.

Hee floated above the ground, their figure glowing with otherworldly radiance. The soldiers gaped, unsure of what to make of this luminous being. In that moment of silence, Hee began to play the violin. The notes cascaded through the air, weaving a spell of tranquility that enveloped the battlefield. The music was unlike anything the soldiers had ever heard—each note a balm for their troubled hearts.

As the melody flowed, Hee reached out with their mind-reading ability, sensing the fears and worries of the soldiers on both sides. They felt the anger, the pain, and the yearning for peace hidden beneath the surface. With every stroke of the bow across the strings, Hee shared their vision of a world where understanding triumphed over conflict.

The music transformed the atmosphere; it softened hardened hearts and opened minds. Soldiers began to put down their weapons, tears streaming down their cheeks as they recognized the futility of their struggle. Hee had not come to conquer but to heal, and through the power of music, they began to see one another not as enemies, but as fellow beings yearning for connection.

As the final notes of the symphony echoed into silence, Hee wove a tapestry of time. In a flash, they rewound the moments leading to the conflict, allowing the leaders of both nations to meet in a neutral space, free from the weight of their past grievances. Hee was there, unseen but ever-present, guiding the conversation with whispers of hope and understanding.

Days turned into weeks, and the leaders, touched by the experience, forged a new alliance based on trust and collaboration. As the news of peace spread, Hee watched from a distance, their heart swelling with joy. They knew that their work was done, but the echoes of their music would resonate in the hearts of many for generations to come.

With the mission complete, Hee returned to Lumeria, where the skies shimmered with the colours of celebration. They had proven that even in the darkest of times, love and understanding could shine through, lighting the path to peace. As Hee played their violin under the twinkling stars, the universe danced along, forever grateful for the alien who had the power to stop wars without a single act of violence.
 
For me, Ian, this is much like the other piece you put up for Critique -- it isn't truly a story, it's a gussied-up synopsis of a story. You're telling everything, rather than showing what happens, complete with dialogue and description.

It also feels completely false to me -- Hee is very much a Mary Sue character, immensely powerful but immensely good, and the people involved are all ciphers. Nothing here rings true, certainly not how warring armies would react to an alien, nor how their leaders would be brought to peace, and frankly I can't believe in an alien who would act in this way. (And I really don't believe Hee would have a somewhat prosaic violin as a musical instrument.)

You've clearly spent a lot of time agonising about word choice and trying to make the piece sound beautiful, which is a good thing, but it should be in service of the characters and the plot, not at their expense.

What I'd suggest is you choose a single scene from this idea, put a character in that scene, and write from his/her perspective eg a soldier advancing to meet the enemy who suddenly sees this strange creature and hears ethereal music. What happens then? What does he say/do? What are others around him saying/doing? Think about the location, and what he's wearing or carrying. Make him real, with fears and dislikes, hopes and desires. Watch the whole thing in your mind's eye, as if it's a film, then write it out.

Good luck with it.
 

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