How do I change this to sound more like a Western?

Timben

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Suddenly, the forest began to stir. A soft breeze rustled the leaves above them, and a gentle glow emitted from deeper within the woods. The Forest Spirit, a being of ethereal beauty, emerged from the shadows. With flowing hair that seemed to blend with the foliage, it approached the procession. The Yaqui Chief raised his hand, signaling for silence, as the spirit's presence captivated everyone. The air crackled with tension as the spirit floated closer to Sam and Chen, its eyes shimmering with ancient wisdom.

That sounds like fantasy instead of a Western set in 1914 Mexico. How do I change this to sound more like a Western?
 
I'm confused by the term "a Western." My understanding of a Western has a time and place associated with it - Namely Southwest United States at the later half of the 19th Century. Westerns sometime broaden in location - extending north into the midwest or south into Mexico. But I'm not sure a story Mexico in 1914 involving "a Forest Spirit, a being of ethereal beauty," fits the bill.

Perhaps the problem is not with the writing but with the claimed "Genre." In any case, that small sampling of sentences might work in the context of the story. You can't imbue each sentence of a story with "theme." That would become arduous for both writer and reader. Sometime people simply need to "Leave the room" without doing it thematically.

reads great to me. Good Luck.
 
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Suddenly, the forest began to stir. A soft breeze rustled the leaves above them, and a gentle glow emitted from deeper within the woods. The Forest Spirit, a being of ethereal beauty, emerged from the shadows. With flowing hair that seemed to blend with the foliage, it approached the procession. The Yaqui Chief raised his hand, signaling for silence, as the spirit's presence captivated everyone. The air crackled with tension as the spirit floated closer to Sam and Chen, its eyes shimmering with ancient wisdom.

That sounds like fantasy instead of a Western set in 1914 Mexico. How do I change this to sound more like a Western?
I suppose first of all where are we? In amongst the huge Calafornian Redwoods, the mangroves of Louisiana, or the pine-oak forests of the Coconino Arizona. Also I wonder if a Yaqui spirit being would be more animal in nature. Would there be drumming and chanting to bring it forth? As far as I know many Yaqui believe in overlapping but distinct worlds called aniam, sometimes accessed through deer dancing. A bit more research may give an authentic flavour.
 
Suddenly, the forest began to stir. A soft breeze rustled the leaves above them, and a gentle glow emitted from deeper within the woods. The Forest Spirit, a being of ethereal beauty, emerged from the shadows. With flowing hair that seemed to blend with the foliage, it approached the procession. The Yaqui Chief raised his hand, signaling for silence, as the spirit's presence captivated everyone. The air crackled with tension as the spirit floated closer to Sam and Chen, its eyes shimmering with ancient wisdom.

That sounds like fantasy instead of a Western set in 1914 Mexico. How do I change this to sound more like a Western?

Why does it not sound like a Western to you? Start by pinpointing why it isn't working for you.
 
So, doing some research in to the Yaqui tribes, their main religious dance is the Deer Song and Deer Dance (Oficio Achalim) that they use in enchanting their different spiritual worlds and forces in bringing in their traditional belief. In this case, Huya Ania: Wilderness World. (I'll post references for you afterwords). So, after you read and watch the video, I would keep it as simple as you can in keeping some Yaqui traditions while keeping a Western feel to it:

It was early afternoon when the Deer Dancer took center attention as the tribes Chief and the single musician, playing a rudimentary tabor drum and whistle sat off to the side. The lone male Deer Dancer was shirtless with seashell leggings, wearing a simple grass back skirt breachers and a mounted deer stags head upon his own head. And in both of his hands he held a pair of large maracas that he shook to the rhythm of the high pitched and rapid pace of the musicians drumming. The tribe's chief joined in with the musicians low to high lilting whistle playing as the dancer shook the maracas to the fast rhythm of the drum. The Deer Dancer then moved in a way that mimicked a deer in a choreographed fashion to the singing of the tribes Chief.

"Have you seen anything like this?" Chen asked leaning over to Sam.
"Once", answered Sam, "but this is nothing like what I saw from the Lakota tribes up north. This is something different."

The two regained their respect for what was happening before them, despite their own disbeliefs, when the Deer Dancer dropped and took the form of a resting deer as the musician and Chief stopped in unison. The air moved towards them from the nearby forest filling everyone with the forest's spirit of its animal, plant and insect life force. Food, water, medicine, shelter, life and certain death. Music and silence all at once. Sam was caught up in the moment when he felt a dark emptiness coming from the forest.

"Did you feel that?" San asked Chen as he stood drawing his revolver, but the tribe's chief and elders motioned for him to stay calm and sit back down. Sam did so while turning his attention to Chen.

"Chen, did you feel that?"
"Feel it? I was one with it until you interrupted! Oh, now look what you gone and done!" Chen stood and began to gather his saddle and bedding. "Come on, Sam. Best for us to get going."

"What? Into that forest?"
"Of course! Where else are we supposed to go?
"Are you telling me you believe this stuff, Chen?" Sam asked holstering his revolver.
"Why not? If it good enough for them, why should it not be good enough for us?" Chen asked. "This is no difference than what my parents did back home in China.
"Please, sit and listen to the Forest. It has much to tell us." The tribes Chief said while motioning to Sam and Chen.
" I think we should do what the Chief said, Chen. I think we should listen to what the forest has to say. Don't you agree?" Sam motioned for Chen to sit.
"Dang it, Sam! For someone who feels this is a waste of time, you sure aren't taking any chances here. And that's just what my parents would say too."
(Fill in, change or what have you. Just my play on your story Timben.)

Yaqui Myths and Legends: Cultural Setting
Yaqui - Wikipedia
Culture - Pascua Yaqui Tribe
 
But more seiously, the definition of a 'Western' is broad. The Wild Bunch takes place in the 20th Century, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid go to Bolivia. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre is set in 1920s Mexico.

It could even be said that Shane Meadows' 'Once Upon A Time in the Midlands' and 'No Country For Old Men' are Westerns , even though they are set in the 1980s.

It doesn't have to be set in a specific place or at a specfic in order to be a Western, but it does have to have a certain feel to it.
 
I would also say that if your story feels right, don't insert bits just to make it conform to a specific genre. And anyway, this is just one fraction from a much larger story. The reader doesn't need to be reminded in every paragraph what genre they are reading.

And in my opinion, themes are much more important for a writer to consider than genre.
 
But more seiously, the definition of a 'Western' is broad. The Wild Bunch takes place in the 20th Century, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid go to Bolivia. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre is set in 1920s Mexico.

It could even be said that Shane Meadows' 'Once Upon A Time in the Midlands' and 'No Country For Old Men' are Westerns , even though they are set in the 1980s.

It doesn't have to be set in a specific place or at a specfic in order to be a Western, but it does have to have a certain feel to it.
Butch and Sundance brought their hats and sixguns to Bolivia, which visually helped a lot. Not so useful for a written piece.
 
"Whit in tarnation is that in the forest"
"Eat lead, ya claim jumpers!"
I was actually about to suggest the injection of some tarnation and whatnot.

"I'm your huckleberry!" declared Chen as he fanned his sixgun and planted it plumb between the ghost and his steelie eye.
 
Suddenly, the forest began to stir. A soft breeze rustled the leaves above them, and a gentle glow emitted from deeper within the woods. The Forest Spirit, a being of ethereal beauty, emerged from the shadows. With flowing hair that seemed to blend with the foliage, it approached the procession. The Yaqui Chief raised his hand, signaling for silence, as the spirit's presence captivated everyone. The air crackled with tension as the spirit floated closer to Sam and Chen, its eyes shimmering with ancient wisdom.

That sounds like fantasy instead of a Western set in 1914 Mexico. How do I change this to sound more like a Western?
It's difficult to say without knowing your characters and who's viewpoint it is from. On face value it reads a bit refined or well-written, so not how a cowhand might describe it. In contrast, a British, English literature professor traveling with the group might phrase it as you have or even loftier. How would the character say it--describe what they saw to others? E.g., 'Suddenly, the forest began to stir. A soft....' vs. The forest stirred from a phantom breeze that....

BTW, why is it a 'soft breeze' instead of a nonexistent breeze, or for cowboy talk, a phantom breeze? Also, why the gentle glow and then the spirit emerges from shadows? How does the PoV character know it is a 'Forest Spirit?' Anywho, buckaroo, consider how the viewpoint character/narrator might phrase it, and keep in mind their experience or lack thereof to spice it up with similes based on that. E.g. 1, 'a gentle glow emitted,' vs. a distant campfire's glow, perhaps, brightened and drew near (sorry for the embellishment). E.g. 2, 'flowing hair that seemed to blend with the foliage,' vs. hair of flowing vines.

Look up some cowboy slang sites for ideas on how to un-refine it a bit. Good luck!

K2
 
With western you actually have a wide number of ways to present it. You could have the slang of someone illiterate. You could also have someone well versed in language like a writer or lawyer (Billy the Kid was hired to protect a New Mexico ranch owned by British born John Tunstall). Probably a majority of the US soldiers killed at Little Bighorn came from central Europe. Numerous Chinese were in the Sierra Nevada mountain range by the 1850s. The setting could be prairie, forest, mountain, desert, or town. There's a wide variety of Native American lore to build a story upon.

Western stories go from The Prairie in 1827 to Yellowstone this decade.

Goal is to write a good story. Better to be a great read that doesn't seem that Western than a terrible read that seems accurately Western.
 
This is the author as the narrator. You might read some Louis L'Amour to get the hang of how he does his narration but, based on the 1914 time frame, maybe use a "detached narrative voice" - similar to that of the "Maltese Falcon" -- which is, as I recall, sparse on adjectives and adverbs except when needed for the reader to be able to visualize what is going on. I agree with others on filling out the characters a bit to give more of a sense of place and time: The Yaqui chief (name, a Mexican phrase or 2, dress, horse, etc.), Chen (dialect, garb, etc.)
 
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Quigley Down Under shows you can do Western in Australia. But you need to have Western sounding stuff happening.
 
Suddenly, the forest began to stir. A soft breeze rustled the leaves above them, and a gentle glow emitted from deeper within the woods. The Forest Spirit, a being of ethereal beauty, emerged from the shadows. With flowing hair that seemed to blend with the foliage, it approached the procession. The Yaqui Chief raised his hand, signaling for silence, as the spirit's presence captivated everyone. The air crackled with tension as the spirit floated closer to Sam and Chen, its eyes shimmering with ancient wisdom.

That sounds like fantasy instead of a Western set in 1914 Mexico. How do I change this to sound more like a Western?
The air crackled with tension as the spirit floated closer to Sam and Chen, its eyes shimmering with ancient wisdom. It tweaked its thick, black moustache, and said, 'hola meesters. You lika my forest? I showa you round plenty good.'
 

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