Opening to Chapter 2

[parkydoc]

Thanks to everyone for their helpful comments on the intro of my first chapter!

I am similarly interested at how the opening to my second chapter works (or doesn't) in introducing the second major character, in this case a war weary veteran that is recalled for the same mission as the character in chapter 1. I think I was more successful with this one but I guess we'll see....




Chapter 2 – Valeria

Eyes closed, she whispered the names, then pictured their faces the best she could. “Willem… Gracia… Ollie… Freckled girl…”

Their faces, once so vivid, had faded into hazy impressions over the years. Willem, with his crooked grin and missing teeth, Gracia’s kind smile despite their shared horrors, Ollie, his wide, scared eyes darting in the dark when they huddled together for warmth. And the freckled girl—what was her name? She could still see her face, freckles dark against pale skin, but hers was one of the first names she had forgotten. She hadn’t lasted very long.

The first rays of the rising sun warmed her face, pulling her thoughts back to the present. Her right hand clenched tightly the crumpled summons. She didn’t need to read it again; its contents were what she had feared. The Legion wanted her back—demanded her back—and there was no refusing.

Why can’t they just leave me be?

She opened her eyes and watched the sun slowly chase the darkness from the sky. The last peaceful morning for a long time, she thought bitterly. Though she’d always known veterans could be recalled at any time, she had dared to hope that her emphatic resignation—or maybe just the sheer number of people I’ve killed—would be enough to settle any debt she had with the Kingdom.

In the distance, the church bells rang, marking dawn. Valeria sat up, brushing the dew from her tunic. A small smile tugged at her lips as she saw the familiar cluster of her students gathering outside her training hall, wooden swords in hand. At least there’s still time for one more lesson. She stood, collected her sheathed blade from the grass, and hurried down the hill.

​

---

"Keep your body small, always face your opponent from the side, and let your sword lead the way," Valeria called out as she paced among her sparring students. "Make them fight on your terms. Anticipate. Counter. And if you can, use their movements against them."

She paused, watching two young boys locked in a heated match. The taller one jabbed impatiently, and the shorter boy, Omar deftly sidestepped and spun his wooden blade in a circle, knocking his opponent's sword from his hands.

"Excellent, Omar!" Valeria smiled, nodding in approval. The boy flushed with pride, standing a little taller as she tussled his hair.

Moments like this brought her peace. The rhythmic clash of wooden practice swords, the laughter and groans of children as they learned to stand their ground—it all gave her a purpose she’d never found on the battlefield. This is how children should learn to fight: to defend themselves, not to become weapons. When she was their age, there was no laughter. The swords were sharp and cut deep.

Slowly, the sounds of sparring faded as her students stopped, their wooden swords lowering. Valeria turned toward them, puzzled, and saw their wide eyes transfixed at the entrance behind her. She turned and made her way to the front.

A line of soldiers, fully armored and carrying spears, filed into the hall. They moved with crisp precision, their armor clanking almost in perfect rhythm, forming a semi-circle as they faced her. Their leader—a tall, broad-shouldered man in spotlessly polished armor and a gaudy plumed helmet—strode forward. Two bodyguards flanked him, adorned in pitch black leather armor. Their faces were hidden behind masked hoods except for their eyes which scanned the hall looking for threats. He stopped before them and removed his helmet, handing it off to one of his bodyguards who took it silently.

Valeria’s jaw tightened when his face was revealed. Of course they would send him! She stepped forward, arms crossed and stood between him and her students.

The leader looked at that crowd of children assembled in front of him with thinly veiled disdain before his gaze settled on Valeria.

"Sergeant Valeria. Step forward." He gestured with his hand as if beckoning a dog.

Valeria stayed where she was, her arms still crossed. "What do you want?"

He grunted as he glared at her. "Has it been so long that you’ve forgotten how to address a superior officer? Stand at attention."

"I left the Legion years ago," she replied coolly. "I’m just a citizen now."

"Not anymore," he snapped. "You’ve been recalled. Did you not receive the summons?"

Valeria reached into her pocket and pulled out the crumpled summons, holding it up briefly before letting it fall to the ground. "I have until tomorrow morning. You’re early."

His frown turned to a contemptuous smile. "Time is short and the circumstances dire. I hoped there was some sense of duty still within you, that you would recognize the urgency of the situation and would know to return as soon as possible. Yet again, I am disappointed. But not surprised.”

He paused and glanced at the astonished students around her, staring back at him. “But vital matters affecting the kingdom can wait until you finish your… child care duties here.” He turned on his heel, taking his helmet from the bodyguard.

“We leave at dawn, do not be late!” he called over his shoulder before striding out the door.

The column of soldiers filed out behind him, their armor and steps again clanking in almost perfect unison.

One of the older boys approached her hesitantly. "Who was that?" he asked quietly.

Valeria stared at the empty doorway for a moment, her jaw clenched even tighter.

"Someone I’d hoped I’d never see again," she said quietly, her voice heavy with exhaustion. She glanced at her students—they looked back in silence with worried eyes.

She managed to force a smile.

“Rest time is over. Get back to work!” she admonished with mock authority, clapping her hands loudly.

Before long, she found herself back in the comfort of wooden swords clashing and children laughing, the rude interruption forgotten for now.

 

[Swank]

Before long, she found herself back in the comfort of wooden swords clashing and children laughing, the rude interruption forgotten for now.

There's too many words in this sentence for what it conveys. "Before long", "found herself", "for now" are kinda fillers and you should not use so many in one sentence.

But the overall piece is decent and a better effort than your previous submission.

Slowly, the sounds of sparring faded as her students stopped, their wooden swords lowering. Valeria turned toward them, puzzled, and saw their wide eyes transfixed at the entrance behind her. She turned and made her way to the front.

I don't know if "puzzled" is necessary. Sometimes it is better for the reader to come to their own conclusions about what the MC might be feeling instead of it being provided.

Why can’t they just leave me be?

I would get rid of this. It is redundant with everything discussed around it.

 

[Pyan]

Why can’t they just leave me be?

I would get rid of this. It is redundant with everything discussed around it.

I wouldn't. It's an insight into her state of mind and adds to the character.

Don't be persuaded to cut out every descriptive word or phrase that people suggest are unnecessary, or you'll end up with a film script. I'm not a fan of the current fad for paring back, removing adjectives and adverbs, and generally taking out "filler" words - often they act as lubrication, and make it more pleasant to read. Sometimes your first instinct is right.

 

[Swank]

I wouldn't. It's an insight into her state of mind and adds to the character.

Don't be persuaded to cut out every descriptive word or phrase that people suggest are unnecessary, or you'll end up with a film script. I'm not a fan of the current fad for paring back, removing adjectives and adverbs, and generally taking out "filler" words - often they act as lubrication, and make it more pleasant to read. Sometimes your first instinct is right.

Critiquing the critiques, eh?

 

[The Judge]

Just to confirm in case any newcomers to critiquing are confused here, we don't critique the critiques.

However, disagreeing with what another member has suggested is fine, since it is putting forward one's own opinion on a specific matter. If it's easier and quicker to quote something and then comment on it, rather than writing it all out, that's not a problem either.



As I wrote several years ago following some regrettable problems here in Critiques:

If you are not the person receiving the critique:​

• If something written is manifestly wrong and can be corrected shortly, feel free to do so eg if someone asserts "was" is always passive, point out this is a fallacy and explain why. However, try to avoid saying "You are wrong". Play the ball, not the man, no matter what you think of him
• If something written is a matter of opinion -- whether or not the critiquer has used the courtesy of expressing it as such -- and you disagree with it, then give your contrary opinion

The last paragraphs deal with correcting things if someone has either got something demonstrably wrong or puts forward opinions with which you disagree. There's no need for argument, you simply say eg "I don't see any problem with the POV issue" or "This isn't head-hopping as far as I'm concerned."​

​

 

[Swank]

I wouldn't. It's an insight into her state of mind and adds to the character.

Don't be persuaded to cut out every descriptive word or phrase that people suggest are unnecessary, or you'll end up with a film script. I'm not a fan of the current fad for paring back, removing adjectives and adverbs, and generally taking out "filler" words - often they act as lubrication, and make it more pleasant to read. Sometimes your first instinct is right.

Rebuttal.

I am not in favor of cutting everything for the sake of brevity.

My specific suggestion was based on what happens at the school. Having the MC think about the past and what is happening sets up a tension for the reader. The MC spelling out the problem bursts that bubble early and removes a little bit of the surprise that could be felt by her commander's language and her reaction to it.

All the insight needed into her character on this matter is spelled out in the school, but is slightly less engrossing since we know exactly what she is already thinking.

Mystery followed by reveal works throughout writing and engages the reader more.

That is the only reason for my suggestion.


Thanks @The Judge for clarifying because I didn't want to make the OP's critique into a debate.

 

[Brian G Turner]

It's quite well written, but I would personally have liked to see more of the setting in the opening, to give a sense of place we could share with her.

I'm also somewhat confused about her attitude to war - she laments lost comrades, then she's teaching *children* to fight, then she protests about rejoining the legion because she's a citizen? So she's for war, but against armies??

The prose is good, but I'm not sure what her actual inner conflict is. Also, any particular reason you've written this character as a woman? I'm simply curious.

 

[parkydoc]

There's too many words in this sentence for what it conveys. "Before long", "found herself", "for now" are kinda fillers and you should not use so many in one sentence.

But the overall piece is decent and a better effort than your previous submission.

I don't know if "puzzled" is necessary. Sometimes it is better for the reader to come to their own conclusions about what the MC might be feeling instead of it being provided.


I would get rid of this. It is redundant with everything discussed around it.

I also have been advised by others to "trust the reader" and not necessarily explicitly state every emotion or thought process, so thanks again for reinforcing this and also pointing out my tendency to use fillers. Though, as @Pyan brought up, I sometimes feel it necessary to affirm a particularly important emotion with an internal monologue I guess it's a matter to finding the proper balance in my style.

 

[parkydoc]

It's quite well written, but I would personally have liked to see more of the setting in the opening, to give a sense of place we could share with her.

I'm also somewhat confused about her attitude to war - she laments lost comrades, then she's teaching *children* to fight, then she protests about rejoining the legion because she's a citizen? So she's for war, but against armies??

The prose is good, but I'm not sure what her actual inner conflict is. Also, any particular reason you've written this character as a woman? I'm simply curious.

The implication which unfolds over the story is that the Legion at one point recruited child orphans for brutal military training (inspired by the historical Spartans) to create an elite force for particularly dangerous and almost suicidal missions. The names in the beginning represent her fellow orphans in training and which very few survived (like the freckled girl who didn't last very long, hence why she didn't remember her name") but she tries to remember them since no else will (the implication that she may be the last survivor of this group). Disillusioned by how her superiors viewed them as expendable, she left (the line, "I'm just a citizen now" is a sarcastic dig at why she did not salute her former superior officer as she technically is not yet back in the Legion). She teaches children to defend themselves (perhaps the emphasis of defense wasn't clear) since she cynically knows that war spares no one and since war is all she knows, feels teaching the next generation is the best she can do to atone.

As to why a woman? I thought having a strong female character lead was a requirement nowadays? I kid. It just seemed more natural to me an also hints at the egalitarism in the Galenian society (both men and women are conscripted in the Legion).

 

[Bowler1]

This reads much better than the last submission so you're working hard to improve, so well done and keep at it.

I still felt this a a bit distant from the character, with no real feelings. Writing brings you behind the characters eye balls and into their world, which you are attempting to do, but you didn't pull me all the way in this time.

For me, you could have started here and all the words prior to this didn't add value in my view.
The first rays of the rising sun warmed her face, pulling her thoughts back to the present. Her right hand clenched tightly the crumpled summons. She didn’t need to read it again; its contents were what she had feared. The Legion wanted her back—demanded her back—and there was no refusing.
That killer opening for any chapter, always hard to nail down.

Next section - Could be shorter - ask yourself, does every word bring value or is there padding that needs trimming here.
She opened her eyes and watched the sun slowly chase the darkness from the sky. The last peaceful morning for a long time, she thought bitterly and so much for her resignation.
I felt the next paragraph was a repeat of this one, and not adding value.

Editing will be your friend and tormentor both going forward. I always found a little bit of distance between drafts very helpful. As in, I write, return a day or so later and re-read and find that I am a goon, and delete, edit, re-write. Return and do it all again, and wonder why you're doing this... but then, you finally have something you like and move on. Anyway, edit and ask, does this bring value and only you can answer this. What's style, what's background, what's flare and what's padding, what needs to stay and what needs to go. While watching for pace, as in moving your story forward and realism, is this believable, am I living in this characters world here and feeling it?

I appreciate that you were trying to introduce/present your character here, but does the fencing school scene add value?
Your dialogue felt forced - would people really speak like this in real life? Don't worry there were good bits, but overall I felt that the dialogue was wooden and stifled, not real.
A lot of telling - thinly veiled disdain - His frown turned to a contemptuous smile (is this you the author, or your character thinking this, I thought author here) - her voice heavy with exhaustion (why? or have a feeling from the character here) - admonished with mock authority (She clapped her hands loudly, to break the dark mood and reimpose her authority - maybe showing her taking charge with a nod to emotions in the room).

Anyway too much telling and not much showing for me. Telling has it's place to move things along quickly, but at the cost of emotion and feelings from your characters. The inner conflict as Brian says, missing because you're telling and showing and not living the character. What they see and feel, who they are and why they are important to your storyline? The bits that Pyan liked worked for me as well, as these were little bits of you on the page and expressed the characters thoughts too.

As ever, a balance of writing tools and what keeps one person happy and entertained may not work for the next. So there is no right or wrong, just what we like. What I felt was missing most here was you, the writer. In your head there is a new world waiting to get out, sights, sounds and characters larger than life, but not quite presented well yet. Writing is not a movie script, it's much more, don't be afraid to chuck it out there and see what happens....