Dark streets Prologue

[Wolfeborn]

Hi first post Have just started to dig through my notes and begin production on my first proper, Full length story. Here is the prologue, any critique you can offer would be much appreciated as I am a bit rusty on the grammar etc and also want to hear what you think of the story itself etc. thanks

Prologue




​

Boom! The shot resounds of the enclosed space of the rear parking lot of the rundown apartment building. Smoke slowly swirls up from the barrel of the gun; before pursed lips blow it into oblivion like the soul of the man who has just been shot.

“Darn…cops” A tall blond with curly hair says. Holstering her gun she gives the body one last kick

“That’s for Messing with me”



Sirens blare, seeming loader as they echo down the enclosed streets and alleyways; the woman heads off at a swift trot aiming for the low wall that spans between two buildings. The red and blue lights shimmer of the enclosing walls of the entrance to the car lot, tires screech as the cars come to a halt, the two police officers leap from the vehicle and give chase to the woman, one of them stops to examine the recently deceased form as the other sprints off in pursuit.



The woman speeds up as she comes to the wall planting one foot onto the rough bricks she easily leaps into the air, placing both her hands firmly on top of the wall she deftly spins in the air with grace and agility strangely feline in its makeup. The cop shouts freeze as she falls to the other side, landing easily on her feet and dropping to a crouch.



She looks up to see a dark shadowy figure emerge from further down the alley and slowly advance, at first she thinks it is another cop and curses herself for not moving more quickly, then she realises he is wearing a suit and tie a long duffle coat hangs from his broad shoulders.

“What’s a suit doing here at this time of night? Gees what’s he doing here at all?” she whispers to herself.



The figure advances slowly and time seems to stand still, she goes to reach for her gun but a voice in her head urges her to wait,

“There’s no need for that my dear, please let me help you up”

Just as she is about to tell him to get lost she sees his eyes; so large and intimidating but with a softness to them, she feels herself falling, getting lost in those ivory pools, she longs to stay there for eternity.

“come to me” he says, gently taking her by the shoulders he reaches forward in an embrace, she tilts her head to the side to accommodate him, he opens his mouth and lunges forward sharp fangs puncture her flesh delicately, she panics and struggles but only for a moment as the insidious numbing poison from his fangs work their way through her, she falls limp, and he drinks from her deeply, quickly cutting his palm with one sharp nail, he thrusts his hand into her mouth forcing her to drink before she slips away into nothingness.



The cop finally negotiates the wall his bulk hindering him along with the fact that he is no longer eighteen, as he struggles for purchase he sees a dark figure disappearing into the shadows,

“Freeze, police”

He steadies himself and blasts off several rounds in quick succession, grinning in satisfaction, sure that he’s made his mark and yet the figure continues on unabated before vanishing into the early morning mist and smog that surrounds this area of the city.



“Darn” the cop says as he looks down and sees the slumped figure of the woman they were chasing,

“Donny let the ambulance know we got another casualty” he shouts before whispering “who the heck was that guy?”

For centuries mankind has preyed on the weak

All the while a dark species has been waiting in the shadows

Waiting for their time to emerge and take our place at the top of the food chain

Once we were the predator

Now we are the Prey

On the

DARK STREETS
​

 

[dustinzgirl]

It is descent, but there is kind of the hokey dark figure cliche that I do not like. In short, if I saw this prologue at waldenbooks, I probably would not buy it. There needs to be more feeling and emotion, I see a lot of activity and some communication, but the passage does not let me feel what they feel, which is what I look for in my authors.

 

[ADangerousIdea]

It's probably not a good idea to start with an onomonapeia (not even going to try to spell that right). It's good to start with action, but writing out sound effects like that sounds cheesy. Ever see the old batman movies where they would write "POW" and "SMACK" on the screen? That's sort of the tone created when you use onomonapeia.

Also, the dialogue. Some times it's better not to write out everyhting that the characters say and focus instead on what's important. Instead of "Freeze, police" (a bit of a cliched line anyway) it might be better to say

"The police are shouting to him to freeze."

Well, maybe something better than what I can think of on the fly. But I tihnk you get the idea.

 

[Wolfeborn]

ok have revised the prologue so far, sorry still has the hokey dark figure but thats kind of what I was going for in the prologue. I realised that I actually added in the Bang! for some bizare reason and yes agree it sounded terrible hehe, anyways I have taken out a lot of the dialogue as is not really needed in the scene, and added a lot more description. please comment, if you dont like the story as a whole fair does, but what do you think of the writting style? does it suck, seen it before, or different original?

Prologue




​

Night the time most cities sleep, in New Torvelle night is when the city awakens, Gangs roam the streets, the main predators skulking in the shadows and hunting in packs, waiting for the unsuspecting to wander by for them to pounce upon. The police don’t rule this city; they barely even manage to keep it on the brink of destruction. Smoke and fog fill the air after years of industrial factories pumping filth into the night sky.



The Glistening towers of office blocks loom ominously over the squalid buildings of the less fortunate in the city. Behind one run down building an abandoned parking lot sits, burnt out cars and debris fill the gaps between burning oil cans and the least fortunate of this society, who make their dwellings in whatever cardboard or metal they can find. Almost every night these unfortunates bear witness to the less than savoury activities of the local gangs and tonight is no different from the others.



Smoke swirls slowly up from the barrel of the gun; before pursed lips blow it into oblivion like the soul of the man who has just been killed. A tall blonde with badly permed peroxide hair, stands over the limp body of her rival gang member, her face twisting from the pleasure caused by the adrenaline of the hunt and the ecstasy of the kill, to the contempt at the reason for her latest actions.



Holstering the gun she gives the body one last kick, the body shifts slightly one arm flailing out weirdly and coming to rest in an unnatural position, as her anger dissipates she realises its time to go, the echoes of a not too distant siren come to her heightened senses, and she turns to flee a slight sense of wonder coming to her as she realises there must still be people who care about what goes on in this city at night.



Sirens blare, seeming loader as they echo down the enclosed streets and alleyways; the woman heads off at a swift trot aiming for the low wall that spans between two buildings. The red and blue lights shimmer off the enclosing walls of the entrance to the car lot, tires screech as the cars come to a halt, the two police officers leap from the vehicle and give chase to the woman, one of them stops to examine the recently deceased form as the other sprints off in pursuit.



Speeding up as she comes to the wall and planting one foot onto the rough bricks she leaps easily into the air, placing both her hands firmly on top of the wall deftly spinning through the air with a strange feline grace and agility, as she falls to the other side she hears the cop shout freeze landing easily on her feet and dropping to a crouch.



She looks up to see a dark shadowy figure emerge from further down the alley and slowly advance, at first she thinks it is another cop and curses herself for not moving more quickly, before noticing he is wearing a suit and tie his long duffle coat hanging from broad shoulders.

“What’s a suit doing here at this time of night, geez what’s he doing here at all?”



The figure advances slowly and time seems to stand still, she goes to reach for her gun but a voice in her head urges her to wait, her hand slowly inches towards the handle of her Glock, she strains with the effort as though some great invisible hand is holding her back, as he advances closer he speaks

“There’s no need for that my dear, here let me help you up, perhaps we could talk a while?”

Just as she is about to tell him to get lost she looks into his eyes, so large and intimidating but with an odd softness to them, she feels herself falling into them, getting lost in those ivory pools, she longs to stay there for eternity.



Gently taking her by the shoulders he reaches forward and takes her into his embrace, a strange sense of irony grips her as this is just such an act that got her previous victim killed, however the trust and bond she feels with this man knows no bounds, he is her greatest love, her best companion and she will do anything he wants. She tilts her head to the side to accommodate his caresses, reaching forward he gently kisses her cheek, moving his kisses down her neck gently nibbling at first before opening his mouth and lunging forward, his sharp fangs puncture her flesh delicately, drawing a small line of blood that trickles down her neck, she panics her breath coming in short sharp gasps. The pain is strangely familiar, a feeling she hasn’t felt in years which sends shivers of pleasure and revulsion up her spine in a myriad of emotions that threaten to engulf her. She begins to struggle but only for a moment as the insidious numbing poison from his fangs work their way through her and falls limp, he drinks from her deeply gently caressing the nape of her neck holding her upright before she slips away into nothingness.



The cop finally negotiates the wall his bulk hindering him along with the fact that he is no longer eighteen, as he struggles for purchase he sees a dark figure disappearing into the shadows, shouting for him to stop the cop fumbles for his gun, beads of sweat form on his upper lip as he balances precariously on the wall. He steadies himself and blasts off several rounds in quick succession, he grins in satisfaction sure that he’s made his mark; yet the figure continues on unabated before vanishing into the early morning mist and smog that surrounds this area of the city.



looking down he sees the slumped figure of the woman they were chasing, only a faint tinge of red on her collar betrays the fact that she isn’t sleeping, as the cop drops to the floor with a crunch he quickly checks for a pulse, although he has seen many dead bodies before shiver runs up his spine; there’s something different about this one. “Donny let the meat wagon know we got another casualty” he shouts before whispering “who in the hell was that guy?”

For centuries mankind has preyed on the weak

All the while a dark species has been waiting in the shadows

Waiting for their time to emerge and take our place at the top of the food chain

Once we were the predator

Now we are the Prey

On the

DARK STREETS



any and all comments appreiciated thanks
​

 

[FelineEyes]

Slow down! That was better, but the sentences were much too long and it gave the feeling that the words were racing and not the story!
It was less cheezy, less cliched, but not enough. It sound like a modern verison of the tall-handsome-stranger-Dracula kind of thing.

Other than that, this was so much better than the first version. I like how you started out this time.

Sorry if that sounded a little brutal, but I have to get off and I'm a hurry.

 

[Foxbat]

I agree with FelineEyes. You really need to sort out the sentence length. Somtimes it's a good idea to read it out loud. Look for the natural pauses (or when you run out of breath).

Here's how I would write it:


Night, the time most cities sleep. In New Torvelle, night is when the city awakens. Gangs roam the streets; the main predators skulking in the shadows and hunting in packs. They wait for the unsuspecting to wander by for them to pounce upon. The police don’t rule this city; they barely even manage to keep it on the brink of destruction. Smoke and fog fill the air after years of industrial factories pumping filth into the night sky.

Hope you're not offended

 

[dustinzgirl]

Slow down! That was better, but the sentences were much too long and it gave the feeling that the words were racing and not the story!
It was less cheezy, less cliched, but not enough. It sound like a modern verison of the tall-handsome-stranger-Dracula kind of thing.

Other than that, this was so much better than the first version. I like how you started out this time.

Sorry if that sounded a little brutal, but I have to get off and I'm a hurry.

What she said. You always beat me to the punch. LOL. The re-write is much better, but try shortening the sentances and using more blunt descriptions:



For instance:
Sirens blare, seeming loader as they echo down the enclosed streets and alleyways; the woman heads off at a swift trot aiming for the low wall that spans between two buildings. The red and blue lights shimmer off the enclosing walls of the entrance to the car lot, tires screech as the cars come to a halt, the two police officers leap from the vehicle and give chase to the woman, one of them stops to examine the recently deceased form as the other sprints off in pursuit.

The sirens blared shrilly. The sound grew and echoed through the enclosed , deadly grid of streets and alleys. The women, her heart in her throat, increases her trot to an almost run towards the low wall between two buildings. Red and blue brightens the darkness with flashes of striking color, and the police vehicles tires burn with white smoke as they come to a sudden, lurching halt. The sirens stop then, and only the flash of blue against red can be seen. Two cops, partners in law inforcement now for almost three years, jump from the vehicle in unison. The elder, his hair graying and his badge sparkling with the almost musical display of flashing lights, stops over the dead. The younger, bald and muscular, nods and points ahead, breaking into a dead run after the woman. The gray cop shakes his head, he is too old to be running through alleys and far too tired. Really, he thinks, feeling for a pulse and knowing he will not find one, he should be behind a desk. The elder knows that there are evils on the streets, things he would prove if he could. He calls for back up, the microphone making the only sound in the dead alley.

PS: I was definetly not trying to change your story, but this is how I would have written it. Sorry if I was too forward with this.

 

[cyborg_cinema]

I like the rewrite

 

[Wolfeborn]

Thanks for the input, as I said before any criticism is good, I agree went a bit crazy with the sentence structure, and more description again is probably a good, idea. will have to have another read, jst trying to keep the quick pace of this but adding a bit more depth to the passage. I have had this on hold for several years now, and have just started to write it up, have lots of notes etc so I know where the story is goiong to go etc.

Hopefully I will sort it all out, am a bit rusty on my grammar as I've said previously, thanks for all the input will be a great help. Now wheres that english usage book gone to hehe. Just bought a whole bunch of books too, seeing as I havent written anything in a while I will read a bunch while doing it and try and get a better feel for description vs action/pace.

To the people who are worried about beeing forward, with rewriting stuff etc, dont worry is all good, I apreciate the input. Thanks again