Three Paragraphs - Lacedaemonian

[Lacedaemonian]

I love this extract but it does not seem to flow smoothly. Also I can not fix the grammar. And some of my vocab seems to be off the freaking chart. I swear I am making words up.... Any assistance will be most welcome. Some of the issues I have with this extract also apply to the rest of my story. I am also becoming strangely paranoid about using commas,,,,,,,,,,,,,

The deep green virtually viridian grass wept tear drops of dew from blade to blade. No breeze brushed the air, which hung heavy thick with misty vapours washed the skin cold and damp waking the sleepiest of souls. Danae needed to be awake; he needed to be at his most vigilant. He whispered his thanks to the old gods and as more of an after thought than a consideration he also whispered thanks to the new god, though this with little fervour. The morning mizzle and the chilling air of earliest spring was a welcome tonic for him mere hours past the auroral night. He did not jump at the twack of broken twigs, nor did his head spin to the babble and chatter of the forest beasts – though his heart skipped with each twack and his mind convulsed at each oddity in the forest’s parley.

He hated to admit it but he missed the old man. The constant gibber and gab would have been a distraction now, though perhaps one day a distraction that would cost them both their lives. He laughed at this thought. Surely nothing could kill the old smuggler. The man was so hardy and was blessed with more luck than was right and fair.

This was his predation, the smuggler would not understand. The killing of ones brothers was never easy. The killing of ones sisters was a moral abomination. Would his soul survive this? Aye maybe not but at least the old man’s soul would reach the greater ether. The strange peoples who forested the northern furs of the Reservation named her Halcyon, and it was said that she could walk on water and some said she could even challenge the wind. What other powers did she possess? It matters not, he thought with remembered resolution, he would have her head by Elpsprig night or it would all be in vain.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Parts of this are very evocative, but it does seem a tad overwritten.

"Deep green virtually viridian" seems like a lot of words to describe the color of the grass, particularly when "blue-green" or "deep viridian" would do just as well. "Auroral" means pertaining to the dawn or pertaining to the northern lights so I'm not sure what you're trying to get at with "auroral night." "Misty vapours" is redundant.

"The strange people who forested the northern furs." Are you trying to say that these are the strange people who live among the northern firs, or the woodcutters who harvest the firs, or are they the conservationists who look after the firs?

If you are having trouble with the grammar, perhaps you could simplify some of your sentences, so that you don't lose track of your subjects and verbs.

Commas are a pain. We seem to be going through some sort of transition where they are getting phased out, so it's hard to know the rules. But your second sentence seems to be lacking a couple that ought to be there.

You do a wonderful job with conveying the POV character's thoughts, and slipping them neatly into the narrative.

 

[ADangerousIdea]

Damn commas, they haunt my dreams now.

Well, it doesn't seem like flow is really a problem here. Anxious thoughts seldom run in elegant streams and a little jumpiness in this passage captures that.

You seem to have a problem with redundancy in a few phrases though. "The deep green virtually viridian grass" for example. Viridian is synonymous with deep green so the sentence really is saying "The deep green, virtually deep green grass" which is a contradiction (how can it be green and also almost green?). I would go with one or the other (preferably "viridian" IMHO).

Ditto for the phrase "moral abomination" the word "abomination" implies a moral aspect so the word "moral" is really unnecessary.

Also, in the first sentence of the third paragraph the comma should be a colon or semicolon. When you say something like "This is...." or "Here is...." and then list whatever the thing is (even if it's only one thing) right afterwards a stronger pause than a comma is needed.

There are a few more niggling punctuation errors in there. But I know this is just a draft. Other than those things this bit looks pretty solid.

 

[dwndrgn]

Ditto what they said. Also, you've captured a feeling and a sense - don't lose it by overthinking. Re-do a bit of the language, and leave any miscellaneous things like commas to true editors.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

Excellent advice people!! Thanks. I need to drop the adjective or replace it with another. I knew I'd overcooked the first sentence, I had a 'feeling' of how it would be but when it came to writing it I got quite stuck.

Not sure I even like the word 'viridian'. I agree with what you're are saying about this. However, there really is nothing wrong with writing 'the sea was deep blue almost navy blue' - which in effect is what I wrote. It just sounds poor. Veridian - is a green which is almost blue, so there is a distinction. Regardless of this fact it really needs to go.

Moral abomination needs to lose the 'moral' - thanks sometimes you are blinded by your own work and I could not see this until it was pointed out.

What to write instead of misty vapours?? I'll work on it.

I think that auroral night is fine. Poetic licence and all. It basically describes dawn.

"The strange people who forested the northern furs." Are you trying to say that these are the strange people who live among the northern firs, or the woodcutters who harvest the firs, or are they the conservationists who look after the firs?

I am saying that these people forested - ie hunted animals, gathered berries, mushrooms in the forest. Techniquely they do not live in the Reservation, as it is reserved for the Elven peoples and they are human. Much like the Indian reservations. I guess they cut down some of the trees but I am still undecided on their identity.

Thank you for taking the time to read my extract and posting excellent advice.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

Ditto what they said. Also, you've captured a feeling and a sense - don't lose it by overthinking. Re-do a bit of the language, and leave any miscellaneous things like commas to true editors.

I wrote this whole extract without pause. I find once you have the 'feeling' and know the direction of the story the spontaneous attempt at prose yields the best results. Though not always. The poetic nature of some of my prose is something I wish to retain. I want that to be the style of prose throughout my story. I see the dialogue as being a rest from this prose for the reader. Otherwise the general narrative of my prose should sing as if by a bard.

I have to get to the point of having something worth being published before I even consider sending work to an editor. This story is my vehicle for testing new ground out. I never feel like I am writing a story anymore, more like completeing exercises or tasks. Not sure that is a good thing.

Once more thanks for reading my extract, and thanks for the good advice.

 

[littlemissattitude]

I thought the second and third paragraphs did a much better job than the first one did. Perhaps it was just because I'm not a big fan of a lot of description. I don't know. Also, there was a bit too much alliteration in that first paragraph for my taste: "virtually viridian", "morning mizzle". And then, in the last paragraph, "remembered resolution". Again, maybe just me.

Now, for the second and third paragraphs: I really don't have much of a problem with them. In fact, they make me quite keen to find out what comes next. I think that the first and last sentences in the last paragraph should be two sentences each, though. The beginning of the paragraph seems to flow better this way: "This was his predation. The smuggler would not understand." Likewise, the last sentence might be better cut in two, like this: "It matters not, he thought with remembered resolution. He would have her head by Elpsprig night or it would all be in vain."

Also, a couple of technical things jumped out at me. In the third paragraph, "ones" should actually have an apostrophe, as it is a possessive: "one's brothers", "one's sisters". And, no matter what your spell check says, "afterthought" should be one word (paragraph one).

Commas, I agree, are a pain. I certainly hope they aren't being "phased out" though. I would miss them immensely.

Anyway, Lacey, I hope this helps.

 

[polymorphikos]

This sentence bothers me:

No breeze brushed the air, which hung heavy thick with misty vapours washed the skin cold and damp waking the sleepiest of souls.

But otherwise I have nothing to add to prior criticisms. It's quite good.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

Now, for the second and third paragraphs: I really don't have much of a problem with them. In fact, they make me quite keen to find out what comes next. I think that the first and last sentences in the last paragraph should be two sentences each, though. The beginning of the paragraph seems to flow better this way: "This was his predation. The smuggler would not understand." Likewise, the last sentence might be better cut in two, like this: "It matters not, he thought with remembered resolution. He would have her head by Elpsprig night or it would all be in vain."

I agree with you on this score. It sound smuch better. I worry constantly about commas, who is killing them?

Thanks for reading my extract E.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

This sentence bothers me:

No breeze brushed the air, which hung heavy thick with misty vapours washed the skin cold and damp waking the sleepiest of souls.

But otherwise I have nothing to add to prior criticisms. It's quite good.

Do you think that it is worth getting shot of the whole sentence? I wanted to throw the imagery straight in there. The reader already knows the landscape so I basically just have to 'dress it up' at this point in the story.

Thanks for reading my extract T - boy. (Are you still writing dude?)

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

The problem with that sentence is that it's a lot of unconnected parts. Put in the connections, and it might work.

No breeze brushed air that hung heavy thick with vapours, washing the skin cold and damp, and waking the sleepiest of souls.

Or you could divide it up a bit and not try to do so much in one sentence.

No breeze brushed the air. Heavy vapors washed his skin with cold and damp; they could have waked the sleepiest of souls.

Although when I think about it, I'm not sure what those sleepy souls are doing there. They aren't relevant to Danae or his situation, and seem a bit like authorial intrusion.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

The second edit sounds excellent Kelpie. Not sure what my feelings are with regards the authorial intrusion. I am obviously trying to suggest that the morning is so fresh that it would wake anybody from there slumber. Does authorial intrusion work negatively in a story? I have never considered it before.

Once again thanks for taking the time to help me out mate.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Well, I like to read (and write) stories where the narrator is a bit of a presence. But there is a place in a story for that kind of commentary and a place where it doesn't belong. It's useful when it allows you to tell the reader important or interesting things they wouldn't otherwise know -- sort of like the big panoramic shot at the beginning of a scene before the camera zooms in on what the main characters are actually doing. But in this scene it doesn't seem to serve any purpose. What "anybody" would feel under the circumstances is irrelevant to what Danae feels. It doesn't really provide any context and it introduces a sort of vagueness that detracts from the process of beginning to sharpen your focus on Danae himself. So it's the author stepping in at the exact moment when he ought to be stepping back.

If you are interested, I could provide you with a list of books/authors who successfully use the sort of style you are trying to develop here. They might give you an idea of what works, how it works, and why it works.

 

[Brys]

As someone's already said, "deep green virtually viridian" isn't necessary, and could be condensed equally well into "deep viridian" or even "viridian".

"which hung heavy thick with misty vapours" - you don't need both heavy and thick. It only makes sense properly with one of those.

"Danae needed to be awake; he needed to be at his most vigilant." - perhaps simplify the second sentence to "Danae needed to be awake, at his most viligant" rather than repeating "needed to be".

"constant gibber and gab" - again, you only need one of those words.

"moral abomination" = "abomination"

"The strange peoples who forested the northern furs of the Reservation named her Halcyon, and it was said that she could walk on water and some said she could even challenge the wind" - who is her? This person isn't mentioned in the slightest before now, and suddenly your telling us about what other people think about it. A simple introductory sentence, not necessarily revealing much, would be helpful here. Is it one of his sisters? It isn't particularly clear from this.

Overall the main problems are that your using long sentences when short sentences are better. Using lots of adjectives can be good - but you have to make sure the sentence flows as well. So saying there is viridian grass is fine, but don't say there is green viridian grass because the two mean the same thing.

Where does this extract come? Is it at the beginning, the middle, the end? It seems pretty introspective, and there seems to be reference to things happening earlier.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

Thanks for the advice Brys.

"The strange peoples who forested the northern furs of the Reservation named her Halcyon, and it was said that she could walk on water and some said she could even challenge the wind" - who is her? This person isn't mentioned in the slightest before now, and suddenly your telling us about what other people think about it. A simple introductory sentence, not necessarily revealing much, would be helpful here. Is it one of his sisters? It isn't particularly clear from this.

I never reveal much on content and don't feel the need to. It always cheapens the story or extract when I try to summarise. She is known as the Halcyon and is a witch of sorts though with mythical reverence.