Hell-Bound: And I Set You Ablaze

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Keely

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And I Shall Set You Ablaze

Prologue
Not even her shallow breathing could serve as a resting point for her hearts rapid beats that looked as if it would soon burst out of her chest. Her auburn hair danced on her shoulders with each of her backwards scurries on the floor, shaking her head sullenly as tears of regret welled in her swollen eyes. It has been months since reality has creep upon her fear of this eruption, and now hell was to pay. Combustions of flames bulged out of his creamy, agitated skin, welts of fire, as one of the elements of the alchemists consumed his flesh, taking a form of a man set ablaze. He roared and quaked the floor with his powerful stomps of fury, glancing at the beautiful young lady in the corner, charging in her direction, giving her a glare alone that could kill a soul. With an unpredictable change of environment, the room temperature dropped tremendously as the fire died, leaving the boy who was indulged with the flames at his normal state or being, and the girl hugging her knees in the corner, weeping, rocking back and forth, giving herself the comfort she longed for.

“Please Jazzy, don’t leave me… I’m fine… please…” The young man struggled to whisper, clutching his stomach falling down dramatically on the wooden floors, and then rising up, approaching Jazz with the stamina of the aftermath of a drunken fool’s nightly parade. “I promised you, I’ve changed… I just can’t… control it…” Brighton whimpered as his sorrowful whine faded into an emotional break down, bawling as he reached out his hand, ceasing his girlfriend to come any closer, with one hand over his face, foolishly trying to hide the monster inside of him.

“Brighton, I…”

“I don’t deserve you!” Brighton stammered, tousling his raven hued hair, breathing heavily, gazing into Jaspers eyes. “I don’t deserve you, but I love you so dam much! Baby I’ll do anything, anything to be with you, please, give me another chance. Jasper, please, just please give me another…”

“Brighton, stop!” she yelled furiously jerking the handle of his apartment door, making an exit. “I just can’t deal with this…” she quietly said, choking up in the middle of her sentence. “It’s hard enough as it is.”

“Do you remember that day we went water skiing down at Lake Milton? I was afraid of water, and you were afraid of the speed of the boat. We joined forces and got through it together. It was just you and me, love. Come with me, I assure you that you will not regret…”

“Shut the hell up Brighton! Is this how you want it? I hate you so much right now; I can’t explain it in words. I… urg, I have not a word, expression, or thought right now….. Just leave me alone.” She cried walking towards the street, surprised that the man she once loved didn’t bother to follow her. Bitterly she staggered her feet in the leaves autumn has brought, already regretting her past actions.

“I loved you,” a voiced roared from behind her as the busy streets suddenly cleared, without a car in sight. “I thought you loved me.”

“Bright? Is that you?” Jasper stuttered sharply pivoting.

“You know I hate being wrong… I thought we were going to go through this together…. Once again I hate being wrong” a once again, a blazed Brighton roared, once again covered with flames.

“Brighton I…”



And ‘Brighton I’ became her last words as her body indulged in flames also. But this time, with the smell of burning flesh, as her burning body when from flame, to nova as she dissolved as she experienced hell for 2 minutes, only to remain in that hell after death.


Please Critique :) It will be greatly appreciated. I love Science Fiction but I just can't ever get my ideas onto my paper.
 
It is very dark, isn't it :)? I wonder if this is the whole story, or if it is an excerpt. If it is the whole piece, I suggest reading AE Van Voigt's "THANG," to get an idea of how to improve back story through every word. As an afterpart, I find it just slighly confusing, with more questions than answers. Perhaps also consider typing it in MSWord or something with a text editor. There were some grammatical errors and word mis-uses that I noticed (but that doesn't take away from the story for me - I'm assuming this is just a later draft). Great start, though!

Also, is this a part of a set of short stories? Keep it up!
 
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