Pome: Vicinities of Two

[SDNess]

Vicinities of Two



I’ve parked the car up the street.

Away from the others, it remains free.



The dichotomy of the air,

the warmness and coolness,

foreshadows Summer’s imminent remission

into the juxtaposed realms of Fall.



It is not blistering hot

no droplets of sweat drip.

It is not chillingly cold

no shivers run down my spine.

It is a perfect cusp between seasons.



The street is lined with cars,

there are many I do not recognize.

Already, I feel the isolation that Fall brings.

Many changes will occur in the coming days…

I will live in a new home, far from my own

with new friends and acquaintances.



There is racket ahead.

Voices distinguishable for their slurs

in speed and in obtuse thoughts.

They are voices drunk from alcohol

and the freedom of adolescence.



I see a mass of figures

hovering under tall, elegant maples.

Each person speaks, whispers, hollers.

The mass is shaded by night

since the lights have been turned off.

(The cop squad is on its way.)

I peer into the shade and see familiar faces,

but many others I don’t know, or vaguely recognize.

The familiar ones greet me, buzzed,

with succinct, carefree salutations,

and then quickly leave me for others.



Sober, I am left in darkness

on the fringe of intoxication’s shade.

I see it. But, I do not feel it.

Yet, in this loneliness, I am content.



Michael A. O’Brien

Thursday, August 18, 2005

 

[Jayaprakash Satyamurthy]

I like the descriptive elements here. I don't like the way the second verse uses all those annyoing lit-crit words: juxtapose, dichotomy, foreshadow... it seems a little pretentious, unless there was some satirical intent. These aren't really musical, poetical words in my opinion, but that's only my opinion.


As usual, the poem itself thematically comes from something you really feel, or seem to, and that's what I liked best.

 

[SDNess]

Yeah, I see what you mean about those words. I'll have to find words to replace them, but that might be hard. Hmm. I know there are others that are similar, but I like their unique definitions. Any suggestions?

Also, when you read this poem, I like how you say the "feeling" is evident, but is the speaker convincingly "poetic" enough? When I initially write something, I'm always thinking, "Wow. This is awesome." Then, when I look at it later, I'm not as enthusiastic. I feel like I don't transition well.

For example, from the first to the second stanza, is the change to sudden?

 

[kyektulu]

SDNess your poem is good dont worry so much.
I get the same thoughts too about my poems and my book. Where one time you feel elated at your work the next you dont know wether it is good enough...
I always feel the best thing is to let others decide.

 

[Rosemary]

So, did you actually feel 'alone' when you wrote it?

I thought it was very well done, apart from those particular words that knivesout mentioned. Although I wouldn't have picked them out myself.

 

[SDNess]

Hah, well, all my poems are written from personal experience and I wrote this one directly after this "event" so I was feeling a little "lonely," especially after driving a car full of drunk kids each to their respective homes.