Poem: that unknown torrent of feeling i’ve never felt

[SDNess]

that unknown torrent of feeling i’ve never felt

that unknown torrent of feeling i’ve never felt,
bereft of chance, your eyes possess a coy twinkle
of mute and dubious incandescence that traps
and enraptures me, but leaves me in the same void

and beneath that twinkle lurks a silent stillness
that mimes a truth of hopeless love only for me
and the doleful souls attracted to Perfection
in its seemingly mortal manifestation

even your faint grin, Perfection, suffices for
self-absorbed ecstasy and mirth – despite their false
natures – because i am plainly a mortal man
who desires the mystic kiss of a goddess

so i bear hubris and gaze in the same manner
as poor Actaeon and, like him, have been struck by
arrows, but yours are made of an ambivalence
unlike Diana’s, which made him a helpless stag

alas, it is your uncertainty that captures
my heart for i see a frailty living beneath
your keen wit; i want to reach out and grasp you but
i cannot because you have divinely vanished

you, the fleeting seamstress trailing strands of my love
there is nothing else which i feel can supersede
all the beauty together which we could have sewn:
depicting life, death, and eternity by stitch

but beyond ersatz embroidery i do not
know why i have tethered my soul to yours aside
an expos and understanding that yours is as
genuine as a lone star’s ashen gleam at dusk

 

[Lacedaemonian]

Beautiful dude!

 

[Cimmerian]

Very nicely done. Even though there were quite a few words in there I had difficulty understanding their meaning. Very well done.

 

[dwndrgn]

I'm sorry, this one just doesn't flow properly for me, which meant that I was reading each line twice or more, or having to go back because the words didn't match...

I think that I like the feeling behind this one - but I also feel that you tried too hard so that it didn't come accross as heartfelt.

I would propose you not try to use so many large words just so it looks good but to use the words that say exactly what you want your reader to feel when they read the poem, or exactly what you are feeling when recording your feelings.

Of course I could be horribly off the mark here but that is the beauty of opinions, we each have one

 

[SDNess]

Most people have told me that they don't like this poem.

It is meant to be loquacious, but not to the extent that you would have to read lines multiple times...so that is bad.

And there are too many words, hmm.

How was the Diana/Actaeon metaphor?

If I were to take out stanzas I would cut three and give. Agree?

 

[cyborg_cinema]

If I were to take out stanzas...

...it would work as prose also.

 

[SDNess]

Yes, but what use is a paragraph?

If I were to write prose it would be more longwinded. I like poems for their short bursts of emotion.

 

[dwndrgn]

It isn't that there are too many words, for me I think it is just the words you chose...

that unknown torrent of feeling i’ve never felt,
bereft of chance, your eyes possess a coy twinkle
of mute and dubious incandescence that traps
and enraptures me, but leaves me in the same void

coy twinkle seems to not go with dubious incandescence
so you could change one or the other to be smoother like...
coy twinkle with shadowy glow or
naive glimmer with dubious incandescence
you see where I'm going? Some of your word usage is playful and fun (coy twinkle) and some is darkly serious (dubious incandescence) so the poem fluctuates and makes the reader second-guess your meaning.

 

[SDNess]

I see what you're saying. Unfortunately, the juxtaposition was intended. I hope that makes sense...

I'm pondering this: should I capitalize words, add punctuation, and capitalize the "i"? Or is it okay like it is now? I'm not sure if other people will overlook it because of the "lazy" style. I know Cummings was famous for this and, truthfully, a Cummings-esque poem was what I had in mind, but I'm not wily enough to write a poem like his, and am having doubts whether or not this "style" is right.

 

[dwndrgn]

So you were going for the wrinkled forehead look? Gotcha. I can handle that, it is your poem after all. As far as e.e. cummings, he happens to be my favorite poet. Not a bad person to be emulating (IMO).
cummings is much more known for using the shape of the words or the sounds of the words in addition to the actual meanings to invoke movement and a sense of placement. The non-capitalization isn't really part of the poem itself but a refusal to conform to accepted ideas and strict formations for poetry. He wanted his poetry to be 'free' of strictures, which he did very well (no a-b-a-b stuff, and rhymes happend by chance not design) and the non-capitalization was his 'thumbing his nose' at the rules he disdained. That being said, I'd suggest going ahead and running with caps at the start of a new thought, not necessarily each line though.
Now that I've read it through a couple of more times, it is easier to read.