tonic
Well-Known Member
Okay well I thought I would give this excercise a try. I tried to write a story in 500 words or less, with a conflict, character development and some semblance of a plot. I did it, and it is fiction. I want other people to try it too, write 500 words or less and post it here (any genre). We can then critique the story to make it better. Anyways here's mine. Tell me what you think.
“I can’t go on this way, I feel like I’m lying to you, I feel like I’m lying to myself.” He stares into her eyes, bottomless pits of sorrow. The tears caress her cheeks like his hands had, and now there is a gap between them, an un-crossable chasm. The hurt radiates from her in waves, burning him, permeating the air with distress. Her hands bunch into fists as the first of the sobs rock her, such despair in such a small form.
Tears arise with alacrity as her sadness infects him. Staring past her, he tries to cloak his tears behind closed hands, but she sees him. Her eyes peer at his, the spark of confusion evident within. “Why are you crying?” she asks as the beads flow down her smooth cheeks. “You’re breaking up with me.” As she says it, she groans as if it suddenly hits her, a newfound pressure pressing down upon all of her senses. “You’re breaking up with me,” she repeats the words softly, as if tasting them upon her tongue.
His face creases with the effort of denying his tears, the last thing he wanted was to hurt her, and now the pain is clear. “I…” he stumbles upon the words, his mind suddenly going blank, “I…you don’t understand, it’s complicated….it’s…complicated,” his words sound foolish even to himself. He tries again. He cannot hurt her, not this time. “You remember the last time we talked?” He asks quietly, as he stares at her for a sign of recognition. She nods her head faintly. “Nothing has changed, I’ve wanted it too, but it’s all the same….we’re still the same people we were last time, and I wanted us to work…I really did, but it can’t happen, it won’t happen, and I can’t lie to myself anymore, we have to end it.” The thick ooze of regret hampers his every word. He wants to take them back but he cannot, he just hopes someday she will understand.
With surprising gentleness, he brushes a chestnut lock away from her face. She takes a step towards him, and without saying a word, buries her head in the crook of his bare shoulder. She can feel his hot breath upon her own neck, the tender caress of air sending shivers down her spine. “I love you,” she says wholeheartedly, pain and despair coloring her every word.
He can feel her tears as they trickle down his neck, can feel her shaking form like a branch trembling in the wind. The misery of her words sends pain shooting through his heart. With every one of her gasps, he questions his decision, but finally he is certain. He grips onto her tightly, his arms pressing her lithe body to his securely. “I’m sorry,” he says as he finally lets go. The look in her eye is that of a wounded animal, and yet he has no choice. She crumples to the ground, as he steps away. It is over.
“I can’t go on this way, I feel like I’m lying to you, I feel like I’m lying to myself.” He stares into her eyes, bottomless pits of sorrow. The tears caress her cheeks like his hands had, and now there is a gap between them, an un-crossable chasm. The hurt radiates from her in waves, burning him, permeating the air with distress. Her hands bunch into fists as the first of the sobs rock her, such despair in such a small form.
Tears arise with alacrity as her sadness infects him. Staring past her, he tries to cloak his tears behind closed hands, but she sees him. Her eyes peer at his, the spark of confusion evident within. “Why are you crying?” she asks as the beads flow down her smooth cheeks. “You’re breaking up with me.” As she says it, she groans as if it suddenly hits her, a newfound pressure pressing down upon all of her senses. “You’re breaking up with me,” she repeats the words softly, as if tasting them upon her tongue.
His face creases with the effort of denying his tears, the last thing he wanted was to hurt her, and now the pain is clear. “I…” he stumbles upon the words, his mind suddenly going blank, “I…you don’t understand, it’s complicated….it’s…complicated,” his words sound foolish even to himself. He tries again. He cannot hurt her, not this time. “You remember the last time we talked?” He asks quietly, as he stares at her for a sign of recognition. She nods her head faintly. “Nothing has changed, I’ve wanted it too, but it’s all the same….we’re still the same people we were last time, and I wanted us to work…I really did, but it can’t happen, it won’t happen, and I can’t lie to myself anymore, we have to end it.” The thick ooze of regret hampers his every word. He wants to take them back but he cannot, he just hopes someday she will understand.
With surprising gentleness, he brushes a chestnut lock away from her face. She takes a step towards him, and without saying a word, buries her head in the crook of his bare shoulder. She can feel his hot breath upon her own neck, the tender caress of air sending shivers down her spine. “I love you,” she says wholeheartedly, pain and despair coloring her every word.
He can feel her tears as they trickle down his neck, can feel her shaking form like a branch trembling in the wind. The misery of her words sends pain shooting through his heart. With every one of her gasps, he questions his decision, but finally he is certain. He grips onto her tightly, his arms pressing her lithe body to his securely. “I’m sorry,” he says as he finally lets go. The look in her eye is that of a wounded animal, and yet he has no choice. She crumples to the ground, as he steps away. It is over.