Beautiful eyes and a nervous smile

[Lacedaemonian]

beautiful eyes and a nervous smile


I kill our love in its hearts nest
Tear its beautiful voice from the ears
Cool its warmth and with it depress
The heart of any chance of happiness.

And sleep offers the only relief
Of this illness that grows, quickens
Steals the moments, a dogged thief
Steals the sparkle and leaves the grief.

This golden moment is but a token
A jaded shadow of what might have been
A series of loving words unspoken
The greatest love in life laid unwoken.

The next life offers the only chance
To break down the walls, set the spirit free
Soar through the ether and our hearts dance
In expectation of life’s lost great romance.
In hope of life’s lost great romance. ​

 

[terryweide]

This one I think, is the weakest of the three. It reads like the outline or the rough draft of what you wanted to say in the other two. I would also change the opening line, especially "nest,"

I kill our love in its hearts nest

because it seems to be there only so you have a word that rhymes with "derpress."

Again, I think the other two poems, by contrast, are much stronger than this one. That's just my opinion, for whatever it's worth. Best wishes, Terry

 

[Lacedaemonian]

I think I wrote this first of the three I posted. I can't be certain but I wrote this at 6.30 am whilst at work.