Also, even though it’s very short, you have to define the characters. What is the relation between Crystal and Lance? Why does Lance care so much? And, even more important, why should the reader care whether they die or not? We don’t know anything about these two people, so if they die, we couldn’t care less. My suggestion is expand this piece (even if it’s a prologue) and really define the characters. Make us care.[/quote]
Exactly. You've gotta read the whole book to find out the relationship between all of them. Here's the real prolouge.
Tongues of flame and tendrils of smoke reached to the sky. Burning buildings crashed to the ground. The putrid smell of death hung in the air like perfume. Bodies of men, women and children filled the streets. Eire, Crows, and other carrion fowl feasted on the mountains of flesh. Joraziim stood alone, watching the scene with a grim smile of amusement.
He motioned forward with his claw, and legions of Wendigos, Ghouls, and Necromancers moved back into the city. The Wendigo and Ghouls began to feast on the bodies, while the Necromancers raised the bones of the dead as skeletal warriors. This was his favorite time after a battle, when the bodies of those who opposed him where devoured and then raised as his mindless skeleton warriors.
The city of Uzi had been a stronghold of men in the lands of the north, but now it was a pile of burning rubble. His army was steadily growing. After each battle, countless numbers of werewolves, shades, sorcerers, golems, ghouls, vampires, black wolves, and many more different creatures joined his army. Once he reached the Eire Mountains, the giants, rock golems, and earthanim would aid him, and together they would destroy the elves and dwarves in the north, and then no one would be able to stop him.
Birethos stood alone on the wall. He wrapped his wool cloak tighter around his slim frame. The insignia of the Guard of Lord Athos was emblazoned on his cloak. The elf looked up at the Great Dome again. Lord Athos wife had finally had a child. The white dragon flight had come to the celebration, but suspicious activity from the giants and golems had put the city on high alert, so he and the guard had been put on wall patrol. There was a slight thud behind him.
He was no ordinary elf. He had never been. Instead of black or blonde hair, like the other elves, his was dirty blonde. His pointed ears were not as prominent as the others, and he was at least six inches shorter then your average elf.
"The Captain of the Guard should not be at the wall." It was his old friend, the captain of the White Dragon Guard, Eud.
Eud was not white, but silver, and his massive, muscular body was only slightly scarred from his many battles over his four thousand years of life.
"Yes. But I chose to come."
The white dragon settled down next to him. "How are the Ones?"
"Good. Jensen is truly an elf, but Lance is becoming more and more aware of his humanity."
"It must be very hard to have two children from two different races. Especially considering the fact they were both born of the same mother, and that eventually they will be looked up to by all. You have told them about their destiny, haven’t you?"
"There not ready. Lance is only six, and Jensen is nine."
"You will have to tell them soon."
"I know."
Joraziim looked up at the great elf city of Firso. Three circular walls had been built on the peak of three large spurs of rock. One huge bridge connected one spur to the next, forming a triangle shape from above. Behind the walls were the homes of the unsuspecting elves, and on the furthest spur, was the Great Dome. There lives the elf Lord Dagon, soon to be lord of the elf dead. He thought to himself. The ground rumbled beside him as the giant Gurdon came to a stop.
"My people are ready." He said.
"Good. We attack in a half hour."
Birethos and Eud were still standing on the wall when the moon reached its zenith. Frost was forming on the walls and houses. A scout ran down the wall, stopping to tell the latest report. It appeared that an attack was being planned on the city, despite the dragons presence.
He turned towards Eud. "Promise me, old friend, that if anything happens to me and my wife, you will take care of Lance and Jensen."
"Of course my friend. The Ones will not fall into the hands of evil."
With that off his chest, Birethos looked out at the plains. Above him the stars wheeled through the jet black heavens. A full moon shone in the vast expanse, but not even its light could penetrate the fog outside the cities walls, or the clouds that were slowly covering the skies.
Then it began. All of the lights in the heavens were covered by a thick mantle of clouds. Horns, drums and gongs sounded in the plains. Birethos blew his horn, summoning the troops to the walls. They formed in a line four deep. One row of elves equipped with polearms, another with swords, and two with bows. There amber and auburn armor no longer glistened in the moonlight.
Then they saw them. Row after row of earthanim and goblins, giants and golems, black wolves and werewolves, supported by necromancers and dark mages. Trolls and ogres pushed huge siege towers armed with catapults into position. The whole host stopped for a few seconds. A large, horrifying creature stepped to the front. It looked like he had come out of a nightmare. He had the body of a spider, but the face and upper torso of a man. He held his two huge scimitars in the air, pointing them at the city. With a roar, the host leapt forward.
Arrows whistled through the air, hitting their targets with sickening thuds. Trebuchets opened fire from behind the walls, bringing more death from above. The enemy catapults returned fire, sending flaming boulders into the city. The enemy host milled at the base of the wall for just a few moments before the siege towers were in place. The heavy doors opened, and a steady stream of enemies poured onto the wall. Birethos yelled, and threw himself into the fight.
For an hour the elves and dragons held the walls of the first two sections of the city. The huge wooden doors under the bridges had been closed, preventing the enemy from reaching the heart of the city. But then it happened. Shades, vampires and banshees came streaking through the air, assaulting the elves on the bridge. Birethos knew that if they didn’t retreat soon, the bridges would be overrun.
He screamed for the troops to fall back. He ran down the stairs into the streets of the city. Fleeing elves filled the streets. Fires burned everywhere. The sound of fighting rent the night air. He ran into Eud at a small plaza.
"Eud! We must get the Ones to safety!"
"Climb on!"
The two of them soared into the sky. Streaking through the night, they landed right in front of his house. His wife was already outside, holding the two young boys by the hand. Only a few elves were in the streets, gathering belongings as they prepared to flee. He dismounted, and lifted the boys onto Eud’s back.
"Take them to Uzi, or to Durga."
"What about you two?"
"We’ll be alright."
A scream tore through the night. Hundreds of elves poured into the street, goblins and other creatures killing those in the back. Eud took a last look at Birethos, along with Lance and Jensen, before flying off into the night. Eud sped off for Uzi. He didn’t need to stay and watch to know what would happen next. With his minds eye, he watched as the city of Firso was burned to the ground, and almost all of its inhabitants were killed in the streets. The white dragons tried to aid the elves from the air, but the black dragons caught them by surprise. He closed his mind to the horrible scene.
But it was not over.
He reached Uzi, only to find it a pile of smoldering ash. All of the north lands seemed to be burning.
Dawn broke over the lands of the north, revealing the terrible carnage that was Firso. Eud flew over the city slowly, making sure the sleeping boys did not awaken to see the terrible scene. He let a small growl escape his throat, and a single tear ran down his face. Unbeknownst to him, the two boys were only pretending to be asleep, and had seen everything. Silently they cried, mourning the death of their parents and friends, the terrible picture ingrained into there respective memories forever.
Mountain tops and pine forests ran together like a river beneath the rushing wings of the dragon. Jensen was awake, but his younger brother was sound asleep. He thought about everything that had happened, about all that he had seen. Suddenly, he heard a horn. Eud slowed rapidly, and began his descent. They landed in an opening in the pine forest, surrounded by small houses of wood and stone. He smiled when he saw his families friend Bren the dwarf. Eud had brought them to the dwarven outpost of Kumar. Bren ran over to the dragon.
"Eud! Thank goodness your safe. I felt your sadness and pain as if it were my own last night."
"Yes. Much grief has befallen us."
"Birethos is lost to us, isn’t he?"
"I am afraid so."
"The Creators will watch over him, this I know."
"And the Lifebinding will give us strength to avenge him."
"Aye. What of Jensen and Lance?"
"We’re right here mister Bren!" Shouted the two young boys.
"Yes you are! How you been, you two little rascals?"
"Good as always, mister Bren."
He helped them down off Eud’s back. They took off exploring almost as soon as there feet touched earth.
"They’re under my care now, aren’t they?" Questioned Bren.
"They can’t live among dragons."
"No, they can’t. Alright. Well, we were just getting packed up for the journey north."
"Joraziim’s in the mountains now, is he?"
"Aye. We’re fleeing to Gordian. All of those who live in the northern and middle mountain ranges. Are numbers are too few."
"I’ll come as often as I can to help to teach them."
"I know. Good luck, Eud, and may the Creators watch over you and bless you in these dark times."
"May they watch over you and the Ones." With that, Eud began to flap his wings, lifting him into the air, before disappearing in the clouds.
I'm looking forward to seeing more!
