Lines of Green and Black

[dreamwalker]

I've taken alot of time out in writing this. Some of it has been reading other peoples work, critically analysing there messages and ideas.

But most of the time out has been in trying to figure out what i want from my story, what I want the reader to get from reading it and what overall message I want to put out there. Although it's given me great clearity, it's forced me to re-write.

This is from the begining

Chapter I

Bright Eyed, Wide Day

​

‘One’
She grunted, as she pressed the floor away with her hands. Her body was aligned vertically and her back faced the wall, this caused her clothes sag and hair dangle.
‘Three… four.’ Blood was flowing down her body and into her head causing her face to ripen. The press ups continued. ‘Six, Seven, Eight, Nine…’

‘Ten mi’

‘Gimble lock achieved. Guns! Guns!’

​

The opaque echoes of a remote memory shattered the clarity of her thoughts and began to upset her ability to focus on the task at hand.
‘Twelve… Thir...”

‘…teen, check your six, and return to point…’

‘evade’

‘…Rat has firing solution, repeat Rat has...’
‘Tell my wife that I lo…'
​

The noises in her head were louder this time and the images more vivid. These where not normal memories as her vision extended simultaneously in all directions. Her mind saw, tracked and felt everything around her consciousness. She could sense the white pincushion, permanently affixed to the black backdrop wherein the foreground semi-permanent pecks surrounded her, darting, weaving and exploding. Some of the objects where tracked by green chevrons. Many more of them, however, where highlighted by red. Above all of this was the noise of angry, desperate voices drenched with hopelessness and death.

She paused at the top of the cycle of press ups. She had lost count but it didn’t matter as she prepared to continue in defiance. A controlled gasp followed bottling all her inner noise. The cycle of press ups continued.
The room she was in, for three walls was white concrete and featureless apart from the skylight which was placed up high, adjacent to the ceiling. The forth wall wasn’t the same as the others. It was a translucent material, frosted up to head level with a clear strip spanning the length of the wall. That separated the room from the empty white and grey corridor. The room was big enough, finger tip to toe length each way with room to spare. On the skylight side was an untidy bed and a latrine. Daylight struck her face and torso. She had dark hair that was almost black, with greasy waves that where short and glistened Indigo, Violet and Ashe when it caught the sunshine. The dress drooping from her skinny body was oversized and utilitarian in nature. Upside down, her hair exposed her face which was now turning cherry from its natural pale. She was grimacing and grunting. Even though she was young, it was a look that her profile had grown to be well accustomed to.

‘Four…teen… fifth...’
This time her memory forcefully breached her conscious mind as she recalled a sudden spin and violent flickers and flashes with her unidirectional vision eschewed and distorted.
She collapsed uncontrollably, rolling to the ground and ending up laying flat on her back with arms spread out. She spent a few moments in that position trying to regain composure. Her breathing gradually shallowed, her expression subtly changed as she recognised her circumstance and the futility of avoiding it.
‘This is stupid; I don’t need to be doing this.’
​

Any and all comments will be very much welcomed, especially on how this passage works as a begining and what exactly you've gathered from it so far (story wise or emotionally).
And I'll be happy to return crits!

 

[WizardofOwls]

Please do not take what I am about to say personally. I am only an amateur writer, like yourself, so my opinion means next to nothing. What I can understand of your story is pretty good. Obvioulsy your character is trying to work out as a way of avoiding thinking about something traumatic that has happened to her, but in places your wording is very difficult for me to understand. I have given a few suggestions below for you, and have highlighted some of the sentences which were particularly difficult for me to understand. I hope this is helpful for you.​

Don't misunderstand me - you've got a good start going here, you just need to work on your wording in a few spots. Keep in mind that these are only suggestions. Feel free to do with them what you will!

this caused her clothes sag and hair dangle.
Shouldn't this be her clothes to sag and her hair to dangle?

‘Ten mi’
Not sure what this means

These where not normal memories as her vision extended simultaneously in all directions.
where > were

She could sense the white pincushion, permanently affixed to the black backdrop wherein the foreground semi-permanent pecks surrounded her, darting, weaving and exploding.
This sentence really confused me. I'm not really sure what your intent was. If I am reading this correctly, shouldn't pecks be specks?
Should there be a comma after backdrop?

Some of the objects where tracked by green chevrons. Many more of them, however, where highlighted by red.
In both cases highlighted above, where > were.

A controlled gasp followed bottling all her inner noise.
I think there should be a comma between followed and bottling.

The room she was in, for three walls was white concrete and featureless apart from the skylight which was placed up high, adjacent to the ceiling.
If I am reading this correctly, there should be a comma after walls.
I would seriously consider rewording this sentence. I found the beginning of it - especially with the absence of the comma I mentioned - to be very confusing. I would say somthing like Three of the room's walls were white concrete and featureless, apart...

The forth wall wasn’t the same as the others.
forth > fourth

The room was big enough, finger tip to toe length each way with room to spare.
Another confusing sentence. I'm not really sure what you are trying to say here. Perhpas if you re-word it a little?

She had dark hair that was almost black, with greasy waves that where short and glistened Indigo, Violet and Ashe when it caught the sunshine.
A couple of things here...
where > were
Also, the names of the colors do not need to be capitalized.

‘Four…teen… fifth...’
If she is counting here, then it should be Four... teen... fif...(teen)
(There is no 'th' in fifteen)

This time her memory forcefully breached her conscious mind as she recalled a sudden spin and violent flickers and flashes with her unidirectional vision eschewed and distorted.
Another confusing sentence. If I am reading it correctly, I think there needs to be a comma after flashes.

 

[dreamwalker]

Many thanks for the grammar check!
Could you tell me what the rule is concerning the use of where and were?

I added the comma's and slightly changed the order of some sentances so they are more coherent but theres a kind of rhythm I want to use and keep for this opening passage, was it appearent? or did it just get in the way?
Thanks again

 

[cornelius]

Many thanks for the grammar check!
Could you tell me what the rule is concerning the use of where and were?

I added the comma's and slightly changed the order of some sentances so they are more coherent but theres a kind of rhythm I want to use and keep for this opening passage, was it appearent? or did it just get in the way?
Thanks again

were= past of "are"
where= place of act
is English your mothertongue? Your profile says "London" but that doesn't make English your mothertongue. I just want to help, in case you think there's a problem. If your mothertongue is not english, what is it then? Maybe we could translate this bit, gramatics is hard especially english grammar.

this is an intreguing extract, I want to red more before I fully comment. I only comment contence, and I personally think it is a nice kick off point. Needs a little work though, gramatically too, but I guess that's obvious.

please, continue.

 

[dreamwalker]

Ok,

my corrections

The noises in her head were louder this time and the images more vivid. These were not normal memories, as her vision extended simultaneously in all directions. Her mind saw, tracked and felt everything around her consciousness. She could see the white pincushion, permanently affixed to the black backdrop. Where, in the foreground, semi-permanent specks surrounded her, flying in rings around her. Darting, weaving and exploding. Some of the objects were tracked by green chevrons. Many more of them, however, were highlighted by red. Above all of this was the noise of angry, desperate voices drenched with hopelessness and death.
She paused, suspended at the top of the cycle. She had lost count but it didn’t matter as in defiance she prepared to start again. A controlled gasp followed as if sucking in and bottling all her inner noise. The cycle of press ups began again.
The room around her, for three walls, was white concrete, featureless and with a skylight placed up high, adjacent to the ceiling. The forth wall wasn’t the same. It was a translucent, frosted up to head level with a clear, fully transparent strip spanning the length of the wall. That separated the room from the empty grey corridor beyond it. The room was big enough, finger tip to toe length each way with space to spare. On the skylight side was an untidy sleeping area and a latrine. Daylight struck her face and torso. She had hair that was almost black, with greasy waves which where short and glistened indigo, violet and ash in the sunshine. The dress drooping from her skinny body was oversized and utilitarian in nature. Upside down, her hair exposed her face which was now turning cherry from its natural pale. She was grimacing and grunting. Even though she was young, it was a look that her profile had grown to be well accustomed to.




​

 

[Paradox 99]

I remember reading this the first time around when I first came to this forum. Back then I thought that it was a fascinating read, a nice original piece and I was disappointed that you didn't post some more. Are you planning to continue this time or are you holding back for submissions?

 

[Elmo]

I like the beginning of this and I think the content is excellent. I like the way you use her working out as a way of combating her distracting (and may I say vividly realised!) memories.

A couple of points in terms of structure:

Firstly you say that the press-ups ' caused her clothes sag and hair dangle.'

Therefore I imagine her as having long hair, and also, by default imagine a colour for her hair- I make it brown. However, further down the piece you tell me she has black hair. This is quite jarring and means I have to modify how I have pictured the woman in my head. You could correct this by either not mentioning the colour of her hair at all (unless its important) or mention her hair colour the first time you mention her hair.

Secondly you say that she loses count of her press-ups but then further on down the piece she seems to continue counting, and this lost me a bit.

Hope to see some more soon!

 

[dreamwalker]

I remember reading this the first time around when I first came to this forum. Back then I thought that it was a fascinating read, a nice original piece and I was disappointed that you didn't post some more. Are you planning to continue this time or are you holding back for submissions?

I'm holding back, i've got some ideas i'm pretty sensitive to releasing!

You could correct this by either not mentioning the colour of her hair at all (unless its important) or mention her hair colour the first time you mention her hair.

The hairs very important, it has racial issuses that become appearnt as the story progresses.
Although I do take on board your point of the charater's image been reframed as the description comes somewhat later in the introduction but I wanted to get straight into what was going on, giving away what I wanted to give away only when I thought it was necessary.

 

[Aeli]

Great start!
For me that is the hardest part and yours seems great so far.

However,
I'm still a bit confused on one passage, even after your corrections.

Her mind saw, tracked and felt everything around her consciousness. She could see the white pincushion, permanently affixed to the black backdrop. Where, in the foreground, semi-permanent specks surrounded her, flying in rings around her. Darting, weaving and exploding. Some of the objects were tracked by green chevrons. Many more of them, however, were highlighted by red. Above all of this was the noise of angry, desperate voices drenched with hopelessness and death.

What confuses me is first, after you imply that the following is an articulation of what she sees in her mind's eye, like a dream or a vision, something abstract,
you then jump to an oddly concrete image of a pincushion on a black back drop. Then after that you cut back into abstract sets of images of “semi-permanent specks” and how they are moving. The solid image of the pincushion seems so out of place that it shocked me out of what you were setting up. It made me wonder if what was happening was a memory or flashback or if it was an active image in her brain that she was seeing in the present. Then, for some odd reason (I seriously don’t know why), I began to wonder if what you were describing wasn’t her mind and if it was computer program or radar instead.

Yet again,
The passage could be written this way to make me ask the very questions that I am asking right now.

I hope that wasn’t terribly confusing, if it was feel free to ask me to clarify, I would be glad to. And I really really hope that you choose to continue this.

 

[dreamwalker]

It made me wonder if what was happening was a memory or flashback or if it was an active image in her brain that she was seeing in the present. Then, for some odd reason (I seriously don’t know why), I began to wonder if what you were describing wasn’t her mind and if it was computer program or radar instead.

Thats great, you've pretty much gathered what I intended you know at this point.

Just wondering, i've been describing her memories and flash backs, but not giving a direct dialogue to what she is thinking exactly. Do you think a good bond has been formed between you and the protagonist by doing this?Do you prefer inner monalogue? Or do you like been slightly detached from her?

I'm continuing the re-write, including the addition and removal of a few more sections, i'll be posting them here soon.

 

[Aeli]

I personally like the way it is structured so far.

I have a feeling that because we don't what she is thinking it makes her all the more mysterious. I guess that because of this, no a good bond hasn't formed between the reader and the protagonist, yet.

There is definately potential, also remember that this is only the first chapter and the reader is hooked enough to give you more time to establish that connection.