Portal Jumpers

[hellborn]

The stench of decay hung like perfume in the air, as a black robed man picked his way through the rotten bodies. He pulled the hood back from his face, it was the palest white and the skin was so tight over the bone it look almost skeletal, it knelt down and began to converse with one of bodies. It stood back up and with a wave of his hand a swirling deep red portal appeared, he stepped through it and it collapsed behind him.

I woke from the dream, sweat pouring down my face and soaking my hair. I pulled the duvet off my body and got out of bed. I opened my bedroom door and crept downstairs. The kitchen was dark, but the clock was just visible and showed that it was ten past three, and I had a big maths test tomorrow, just my luck. The sound of light footsteps echoed through the silence, the noise came from the sitting room. Cautiously I crept over to the doorway and peered in. A tall, well build, hooded figure in a white robe was stood there as if waiting. He beckoned me forward. I just stood and stared in shock, how could this man break into my house and then expect me to do what he said. What if he’s one of those creepy paedophiles you see the news a voice in my head suggested out of nowhere, the thought terrified me. I was about to turn and run to parents they’d know what to do, but the man made a strange circular gesture and beckoned me again. My body move automatically towards him, no matter how I fought it, I couldn’t stop and panic seized me. Just before I reached him I managed to wrestle control of my body away from him. To late. He grabbed round the neck and made a waving motion with his other hand. He dragged me through the portal.

 

[Adasunshine]

Hope you don't mind...

I thought the premise was really good and just from this little snippet, the story obviously has a lot of potential and I'd like to hear more. My only problem is too many sentences, it can be condensed, only slightly but it might read better if it was. Let me know if you want my opinion as I know how it feels to have someone tinker with your work! Not always welcome but I'd be glad to help.

xx

 

[Marky Lazer]

I woke from the dream, sweat pouring down my face and soaking my hair. I pulled the duvet off my body and got out of bed. I opened my bedroom door and crept downstairs.

It looks like I keep saying it, but that is three sentences starting with 'I'... Do you have a special reason to do this?

 

[cornelius]

nice, potential is high, but your sentences are a bit of a problem

still, it's good, I'd like to read more...

 

[bendoran]

"He pulled the hood back from his face, it was the palest white and the skin was so tight over the bone it look almost skeletal, it knelt down and began to converse with one of bodies."

you shouldnt refer to a man as it, for one thing if you use proper english you are really saying that the hood knelt down to converse with one of the bodies and that it was pale white made of skin, as it is the subject of the sentence. I would suggest breaking this down into three sentences. or ensure that you change the subject of the sentence as you go.

"He pulled the hood back from his face, WHICH was the palest white WITH skin was so tight over the bone it lookED almost skeletal. HE knelt down and began to converse with one of bodies."

Good luck! hope that helps.