The Chronicles Of Ainjul - Section from first chapter

[The Tennessee Kid]

Okay..... i've started writing the first chapter for my first book in my new chronicles. I want your opinion on the pace of this extract, its believability and anything else you wish to add.

‘’Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do…’’

Luke 23:34

The sky was grey that morning. An enormous patch of black cloud stretched far across the sky. The soapy dull waters drew back their attack on the shore wiping clean the remnants of the previous night’s activities. The torches still burned a soft orange as their flames flickered in the breeze. Amali, a young woman from the nearby village, gathered together the white cloth that draped from the palm trees along the beach. The cloth fluttered in the breeze, the wind had been kind throughout the Festa, and the cloth was still all evening. Amali dragged her feet in the sand as she kicked tin plates; her memory of the Festa was limited, having been forced to serve The Village Master all evening. Scattered on the floor was a plethora of chopped up paper, food and clothing, most probably from every woman who caught the preying eye of The Master.
Having not slept took its toll on Amali; she lugged her body along the shore and dragged with her the cloth she was told to gather. Her eyes were heavy and her head felt sore. Her long black hair fluttered like the cloth in the breeze, brushing her face as it did so. The sun broke through the clouds from time to time as Amali ran her errands, highlighting every dirty piece of food left from the Festa. Time itself seemed to drag like the cloth along the sand, having no one to talk to certainly made it seem so for Amali. The rain began to pour as she headed back towards the village, the wind gained momentum as it blew hard against the sea. A shear gust of wind forced several of the cloths out of Amali’s hands. Having been told to collect all the cloth, she thought it wise to gather them, so she removed her shoes, and placed them on top of the cloth she had collected, along with several rocks from around the shore.
The waves now lapped against the rocks, the misty breeze beat Amalis face as she tried to recover the cloth. She scratched her leg as she climbed down the rocks. Clasping her knee with one hand, she reached for the cloth with the other. As her fingertips graced the cloths frayed seam it blew into the sea. Unhappy with herself, Amali slumped onto the rock in anger. She sat on the rocks sobbing for a short while, her hands and legs scratched from climbing down to recover a piece of cloth. Her eyes were fixated on the sea as it slapped the grey rocks. In the distance she thought she heard a voice. And her thoughts were right.
‘Amali! How could you leave these alone on the beach, you know father will be displeased if you do not collect them all.’’
‘Yes sister’ Replied Amali sullenly. Her sister turned on her heels and headed briskly towards the village, carrying the cloths with her as she did so.
‘Be sure to cover that wound before you return Amali, you know father likes his girls in prime condition. I shall bring you some bandages, for I will not allow it to be me who shares his bed this evening again.’
‘Yes sister’ Amali continued sobbing after her sister left. She waited so that she did not reveal to her sister that she was troubled by her remarks. Amali was now drenched in water from the rain, she thought it wise that she should return to the village. As she stood, she saw something floating in the water. She peered over the edge slightly and saw the body of a man slumped on the rock below. She thought her eyes to be playing tricks on her; she clambered down a few more rocks to see she was not imagining things. The waves were lashing his naked flesh. She reached the man who lay unconscious across the rock, fear spread across her face as she saw that he was not breathing. ‘Sister, Sister! Please help!’ Screamed Amali, hoping her sister would come to her aid. She slapped the man across the face, he did not stir. She tried desperately to hoist him up, his long black hair made Amali slip with his body onto a rock. Amali was trapped under the mans body, his frame closely pressed against hers. She slapped him again to waken him, her hands harshly whipping his face. As she did so, her sister emerged on the rocks above. What lay before Amali’s sister was not the rescue mission attempted by Amali, but the rape of her ‘beloved’ sister. Help was quickly retrieved when the word rape was heard around the village, Amali quivered on the beach for a while afterwards, protesting the mans innocence seemed merely to stir more trouble for him. He still lay unconscious on the shore, surrounded by several of the village swordsman. As Amali glanced over, she saw his hair cascading over a large area of the beach. The rain trickled across his pasty white skin....

Thats all i have gotten up to for now.... i want your oppinion on it firstly please before i write anymore.. because i might be going in totally the wrong direction. .... the guy that washes up on the shore is the main character and Amali will not feature in the book as a main character. I have several ways to start this book as I have it vividly mapped out on both paper and in my head. I just want peoples oppinion. Its got a lot of biblical references and such in it, i just want your criticism.

Thanks. Josh

 

[dwndrgn]

To begin with, I like the fact that you started with a minor character, I think that the story will benefit from that perspective.

However, there were a couple of minor issues I had while reading that seemed to interrupt the flow. The first one occurs in the first two sentences. You say that the sky is grey, and then you say it is covered by a large black cloud. I understand what you are trying to say, but you sort of contradict yourself. Perhaps you should say something to the effect of "the sky was threatening rain. It was covered by an enormous black cloud, stretching to the horizon...' that sort of thing.

Then you say that the waves are erasing the leftovers from the party of the previous evening - but Amali is out there trying to pick up a portion of those remnants and as she's walking along the beach she sees more

The sun broke through the clouds from time to time as Amali ran her errands, highlighting every dirty piece of food left from the Festa.

so you seem to be contradicting yourself again.

Give it a read through out loud. I've heard that this helps with flow and language.

You seem to have a good beginning so I wish you the best of luck with the rest.

 

[The Tennessee Kid]

Thanks, I thought that aswell about the minor character thing. Rather than start the story from the main characters perspective i thought i could build the sympathy vote with the minor character as the reader, viewing the main character in prison etc. Stuff like that. Thanks alot. Everyone elses comments are more than welcome!

Josh

 

[Paradox 99]

Hi TK,
It's an interesting start and I agree that the choice of character is a good one. Prompting sympathy for the main character using this method should also prove effetive, though at this stage, my attention is definitely more so on Amali. But that's only because she's featured most in this piece and I know far more about her - I'm sure that the balance will change as the work progresses. What's important is that you've set the scene for your principle character.

Like dwndrgn, my biggest concern is with flow and as she says - reading it aloud helps. It felt very rigid as I read through it. The language you use is nice enough, but the structure of your sentences needs some work.

Take the first four sentences for example:

The sky was grey that morning.
An enormous patch of black cloud stretched far across the sky.
The soapy dull waters drew back their attack on the shore wiping clean the remnants of the previous night’s activities.
The torches still burned a soft orange as their flames flickered in the breeze.

It feels more like a set of statements than a flowing story. To reword it, maybe you need to take another look at the elements you're trying to portray. I can see that you're not fond of the "and" word, but this could be your friend if used occasionally.

I'd like to have been more constructive there, but unfortunately I have to rush off out. Have a play with the sentences and see how it goes.

 

[The Tennessee Kid]

This has really helped.. i'll re-write and post it up again in a reply.... thanks alot

Regards, Josh