Herew's Story

[Herew]

This part of the story will be connected to Kaysi further on, but not yet. You may not see the connection right away.

Herew

The cool ocean breeze was refreshing as it blew gently on the face of fifteen-year-old Herew Danwit. Herew was helping to pull in the last net of fish aboard the Adiatha. They had brought in more fish that day than the past two days combined. With any luck, he would be getting paid today.

After the crew finished securing the fish in the ship's hold, the Adiathastarted to make its way into Port Roial. Herew was the second mate of the ship and was well on his way to becoming a first mate, then later on, a captain. His one passion was sailing and he hoped to make a career out of it.

"Quick eyes and a sharp mind," his father had told him, "that's what makes a good sailor." Herew knew that his father posessed little knowledge of sailing, yet these words still encouraged him.

A few hours later, Herew was strolling out of the ship owner's office with a smile on his face and a pocket full of coins. He walked down the street, carefully calculating how to use his money. Herew was only vaguely aware of the activities of the people swarming around him. Dust was swiftly approaching. The sun's golden orb was slipping below the horizon, throwing its light into a montage of reds, pinks, oranges, and yellows.

In Port Roial, this was the time of day when the youth would be out in greatest strength. It also just so happened (and not by accident) to be the time of day when Herew would make his daily visit to the port town's bookstore.

Herew did not have any friends his own age, as they made him feel uncomfortable, like there was no way to escape. Herew always wanted an escape route, just in case, but around the youth of the town, there was non to be found. Once you were in their clutches, it seemed like you could never get out. That was why he seemed to best identify with the adults, whom he worked alongside.

While weaving his way through the crowd of people in the street lost in thought, something caught Herew's attention. It was a bright golden spot that was darting in and out of the crowd.

There's Griwen, thought Herew.

Griwen was his younger sister, a twin to Herew's younger brother Grinew. Griwen had dirty blonde hair that reached her waist when let down, which was a rare sight. Griwen's pure, emerald green eyes were piercing and glowed with an otherworldly brightness, especially when excited or agitated. With sandals and a summer dress that left her slim shoulders bare and hung down to her sun-browned knees, Griwen possesed all the girly finess an ten-year-old could have while being able to beat every boy in town in a wrestling match, Herew excluded. Yet she was still able to maintain a beauty that women twice her age envied.

Griwen noticed Herew a split second after he spotted her. Griwen bobbed-and-weaved her way around people as she moved toward her older brother.

"Hey, Herew," Griwen beamed as she looked up to her brother. She only came up to his elbow and had to look almost straight up to see his face.

"Hi Gri-" Herew was cut short as his boot caught on a slightly raised stone. He stumbled a bit but managed to regain his lost balance. Although quite confident on a ship, Herew was inexorably clumsy on land.

Griwen let slip a giggle that she quickly stifled. She grabbed hold of Herew's hand as much for his stabolity as for her own security in the pressing crowd.

Where are you going Brother?"

Herew senced that the girl had another agenda waitin gto burst into life behind the innocent question. He decided not to bring it up. "I'm going to visit Barthomas in the book store."

"Oh. Well I guess I ment: What are you doing tonight?"

"Eating dinner and going to bed. I have and early morning as usual." Not able to hold himself back he asked, "Why are you asking questions that you already know the answers to?"

Griwen stopped and looked up at her brother. Herew also stopped and turned to his sister, "What?"

"Herew! Tonight is th eNew summer's Eve Festival and so you don't have to work tomorrow. Herew, please tell me that you're coming to the Festival. You can't spend another Festival alone at home."

"I think it best I stay at home. you know I don't have any friends my own age-"

"You would if you'd try! You know Grinew and I were walking about today and we overheard Stacy Hellum say that she-. I mean... the choice is yours of course."

Stacy Hellum was the prettiest fifteen-year-old in Port Roial. If not for Griwen, Stacy would have no rival.

Herew felt that he had reached the heart of his sister's agenda in bringing up the Festival. He still needed to learn more so he probed a little deeper as they continued their walk, "What did Stacy say?"

Griwen stared at the ground and kept moving. Herew thought he saw the tips of her ears turn pink. This could not be happening, his little sister was never embarrassed about anything! When Griwen spoke again, he voice was barely above a whisper. "She said that she would dance with you tonight if you came." Griwen looked up into Herew's eyes, "It happened again."

"What happened again?"

"Your eyes. They were deep green but noe they're bright blue. It's happening more often now."


I know this is long but I hope you have the drive to read it all and write back on it.

 

[chrispenycate]

I was just thinking "how carefully this has been prepared and corrected when suddenly…

[/QUOTE]

This part of the story will be connected to Kaysi further on, but not yet. You may not see the connection right away.

Herew

1) The cool ocean breeze was refreshing as it blew gently on the face of fifteen-year-old Herew Danwit. Herew was helping to pull in the last net of fish aboard the Adiatha. They had brought in more fish that day than the past two days combined. With any luck, he would be getting paid today.

2) After the crew finished securing the fish in the ship's hold, the Adiatha[/I

space (difficult that, with the italics)

]started to make its way into Port Roial. Herew was the second mate of the ship and was well on his way to becoming a first mate, then later on, a captain. His one passion was sailing and he hoped to make a career out of it.

3) "Quick eyes and a sharp mind," his father had told him, "that's what makes a good sailor." Herew knew that his father posessed little knowledge of sailing, yet these words still encouraged him.

4) A few hours later, Herew was strolling out of the ship owner's office with a smile on his face and a pocket full of coins. He walked down the street, carefully calculating how to use his money. Herew was only vaguely aware of the activities of the people swarming around him. Dust was swiftly approaching. The sun's golden orb was slipping below the horizon, throwing its light into a montage of reds, pinks, oranges, and yellows.

5) In Port Roial, this was the time of day when the youth would be out in greatest strength. It also just so happened (and not by accident) to be the time of day when Herew would make his daily visit to the port town's bookstore.

6) Herew did not have any friends his own age, as they made him feel uncomfortable, like there was no way to escape. Herew always wanted an escape route, just in case, but around the youth of the town, there was non

none

to be found. Once you were in their clutches, it seemed like you could never get out. That was why he seemed to best identify with the adults, whom he worked alongside.

7) While weaving his way through the crowd of people in the street lost in thought, something caught Herew's attention. It was a bright golden spot that was darting in and out of the crowd.

8) There's Griwen, thought Herew.

9) Griwen was his younger sister, a twin to Herew's younger brother Grinew. Griwen had dirty blonde hair that reached her waist when let down, which was a rare sight. Griwen's pure, emerald green eyes were piercing and glowed with an otherworldly brightness, especially when excited or agitated. With sandals and a summer dress that left her slim shoulders bare and hung down to her sun-browned knees, Griwen possesed all the girly finess an ten-year-old could have while being able to beat every boy in town in a wrestling match, Herew excluded. Yet she was still able to maintain a beauty that women twice her age envied.

10) Griwen noticed Herew a split second after he spotted her. Griwen bobbed-and-weaved her way around people as she moved toward her older brother.

11) "Hey, Herew," Griwen beamed as she looked up to her brother. She only came up to his elbow and had to look almost straight up to see his face.

12) "Hi Gri-" Herew was cut short as his boot caught on a slightly raised stone. He stumbled a bit but managed to regain his lost balance. Although quite confident on a ship, Herew was inexorably clumsy on land.

13) Griwen let slip a giggle that she quickly stifled. She grabbed hold of Herew's hand as much for his stabolity

stability

as for her own security in the pressing crowd.

14)

inverted commas

Where are you going Brother?"

15) Herew senced

sensed

that the girl had another agenda waitin g

waiting to

to burst into life behind the innocent question. He decided not to bring it up. "I'm going to visit Barthomas in the book store."

16) "Oh. Well I guess I ment

meant

: What are you doing tonight?"

17) "Eating dinner and going to bed. I have and

an

early morning as usual." Not able to hold himself back he asked, "Why are you asking questions that you already know the answers to?"

18) Griwen stopped and looked up at her brother. Herew also stopped and turned to his sister, "What?"

19) "Herew! Tonight is th e

the New, and probably a capital for "Summer's"

New summer's Eve Festival and so you don't have to work tomorrow. Herew, please tell me that you're coming to the Festival. You can't spend another Festival alone at home."

20) "I think it best I stay at home. you know I don't have any friends my own age-"

21) "You would if you'd try! You know Grinew and I were walking about today and we overheard Stacy Hellum say that she-. I mean... the choice is yours of course."

22) Stacy Hellum was the prettiest fifteen-year-old in Port Roial. If not for Griwen, Stacy would have no rival.

23) Herew felt that he had reached the heart of his sister's agenda in bringing up the Festival. He still needed to learn more so he probed a little deeper as they continued their walk, "What did Stacy say?"

24) Griwen stared at the ground and kept moving. Herew thought he saw the tips of her ears turn pink. This could not be happening, his little sister was never embarrassed about anything! When Griwen spoke again, he voice was barely above a whisper. "She said that she would dance with you tonight if you came." Griwen looked up into Herew's eyes, "It happened again."

25) "What happened again?"

26) "Your eyes. They were deep green but noe

now

they're bright blue. It's happening more often now."


I know this is long but I hope you have the drive to read it all and write back on it.

For me (subjective as always) there are too many repetitions of names, particularly (surprise) Herew. Some of them could be replaced by "he" or "she", improving the flow.
paragraph 5 - I don't know why, but "the youth" for me comes out singular, rather then collective (like the "seemed like you could never get out" in paragraph 6, which I suspect is perfectly acceptable in american, but upsets what I learnt in school)
in paragraph 9 I don't like "girly finess" Girlish possibly, but though "fineness" exists as a word, it's more used to describe the purity of metals than girls.

Overall, we get a clear picture of our two characters- a little stilted at times, but the stogy brother and his affection for his mercurial sister come through nicely. I find the word "inexorably" while a splendid word in it's own right out of place in this somewhat simpler text, but that's not important- it'll be intresting when the characters start doing something, rather than just meeting them.

 

[Cosmo]

yo herew, absolutely awesome i thaught really gripping stuff, i cant be bothered to point out grammatical mistakes as chris has probably done most.
I would like to say that having both grinew and griwen in the same sentence. hard to read.
i thaught the storyline so far is excelent better than all i've seen in kaysi so far. really good

 

[Paradox 99]

Seems like Chris has done all the hard work again (well done Chris ), leaving me with the easy part.

Once again, another enjoyable piece written in an easy-going style. There are lots of writers that will spend a long time writing huge flowery descriptions to set the scene - a trap I so easily fall into - but you aren't caught out by that. Don't get me wrong - I often like writing like that, but I think it has to be really good to hold a reader's interest (as in Jace's recent example in tainted dreams)
In my opinion, you've got the right idea here - get the reader interested by introducing them to the characters actually doing something.

Something else I saw in your work which i think is rather good too - when I compare this piece to the two pieces about Kaysi, somehow the Kaysi section feels feminine in the way its written, and this Herew part feels masculine. Nice touch! Don't know if that was done on purpose or if it just naturally comes from the way you try to immerse yourself in the characters as you write, but well done anyway.

p.s. - you really need to get some sort of automatic spell checker operating whilst you write.